emotional creature

the gentleman demon | ALEX 

little thieves by margaret owen (@what-eats-owls)

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.

I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”

- “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”

- “I used to do a lot of drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who would be really mad if she heard me say that.”

- “I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna stick pins in all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners so it doesn’t fall down.”