Chivalry Is Butch Now

This morning I find myself sitting here with coffee and a joint, listening again, but on the tv with the lyrics up so I can hear it better (Audhd things 😏).

The unexpected part is the stirring inside… the wanting of someone to sit here with me, captivated by the music and lyrics the way I am.

A friend… or a lover…

Sharing our memories triggered by a line or chorus.

Maybe someday. 🩶

Good Morning 🩶

Everything feels so heavy right now for so many of us… Trying to keep our own shit together while also figuring out how to contribute to the cause…

I don’t know how else to describe it but my mental and emotional state seem to be working overtime to balance the want for full disconnect and disassociation from the horrors happening in this country… while also holding absolute rage and menace for these horrors and a deep compulsion to fight.

It seems foolish to still feel so much sadness for personal losses, such as situationship heartbreak and estranged friends… There are so many other things that deserve attention and focus right now. Still… I can’t help but wish I had someone to sit with while moving through these darker moments.

I know we are supposed to be independent and strong and “not need a partner to feel complete,” and I agree… but this drive towards emotional independence has started to turn us away from being there for each other. Even if people are capable of handling everything alone, we shouldn’t really have to.

I remember during the 2020 lockdown people were starving for human connection… suddenly those Sunday brunches and happy hours were things we had taken for granted. The absence of holidays and hugs made such an impact, you would think the world would have come together in the end to celebrate our connections.

on the other hand, if we had, it might actually be impossible to let go of what we had…

I haven’t even come close yet…

Just a photo of your smile still stops my heart for a moment…

I still look for you at that bus stop on my way to work even though I only saw you there once.

Maybe someday I’ll talk myself into taking a new route but that makes me think of you, too. I did try a while ago and somehow passed the place we “watched” Nimona together for the first time. I tried to explain to you that I felt like her and needed one person to believe I wasn’t a monster…

Good Morning 🙏🏼

The recent months have done more damage in some ways… and in others, have brought light to measures of progress and personal growth that have been difficult to recognize and give myself credit for.

I do feel embarrassed that I show my hand (/heart) too soon but I also feel grateful that people not capable of holding me have shown theirs in return.

It’s not easy to be alone and dealing with life’s constant onslaught of shit… but it’s better than being around people that add to the stress instead of help cope with it.

I still miss my femme… I’m newly trying to make peace with that and hold their energy closer to my heart instead of constantly trying to force them away. I think of them everyday and I don’t know how or when that might stop but I’m too exhausted of trying to pretend the ache isn’t still there.

As for the end of the year, and all the expectations we start to place into the “new” year, I don’t actually give a fuck… the only goal I’m working towards this year is giving my dogs and cats a better life and a better parent. Because all we have is me.

get the fuck out…

Good Morning 🩶

I’ve been spending almost all of my free time right here in this spot. It feels like my nervous system has been on overdrive and my body is urging me to slow down and remove myself from the excessive stimuli.

I go to work… I make sure my house is clean… I take care of 4 beautiful creatures… I cook meals… I do laundry (so many dog blankets 🥴)…

Otherwise, I’m here… usually with music or a sound bath on the tv. It feels like an unintentional shift away from movies and shows but for the right reasons. Working towards more still meditations…