No, You Canât Call Me A 'Fucking Nigger'âAnd Other Tips for Dating Queer, Black Men
Welp, this story originally appeared on Out, but they had to pull it, which, I totally get. If I had the mental and emotional real estate Iâd make it into something a bit more palatable to a wider audience. But while I didnât want to write this, and I hate even talking about it, I just needed to get this out. So here it is:
You knowâI wish I could just simply have sex without always having to write a witty, incisive, lit AF essay. Thatâs time I could spend writing my first novel, or a pilot for some independently Canadian web channel, or at the very least, a pretty funny Instagram post about Living (âHeeeeeeey!â) Single. But here we are.
Itâs 2018 and white folks are out here asking me if it's "cool" to call me a âfucking niggerâ as, what, some prelude to a porno recreation of 12 Years a Slave? 12 Inches a Top*? Lupita Nyong'o did not get an Oscar-filled urn thrown in her face by Sarah Paulson so I can be disrespected like that.
I kid now because Iâve had a little time to stew in my righteous âfuck all white boysâ indignation. That old familiar feeling. Itâs like slipping on an evening jacket made of gorgeous, comfortable, complacent American sin. The fabric, literally, of our lives. But whatâs the real problem here?
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The shining example of gay white male privilege above was into something called ârace play,â which is just what it sounds like: incredibly offensive. He didnât have a profile pic, because I guess a white hood is even more of a turn-off, but Iâve had other, more brazen white men throw the n-word around like dewy kisses. Or, worse, like itâs a joke. âKnock-knock? Whoâs there? Systemic racism! ...Systemic racism who?â
Iâve also had white men actually quote, verbatim, 1950s water fountains with a curt âNo blacksâ as a response to something as, admittedly, forward as âHey there.â And then there are the litany of microaggressions that get in the way of me and some casual sodomy. âMmmm, I love chocolate!â Who doesnâtâitâs fucking delicious, dick.
How about instead you offer something more original, or something that doesnât make me hate and/or dread interacting with white men online? Iâve read all the books, seen all the TV, watched all the movies, and played like three video games to completion. Strike up a convo about that. You can even talk to me about sports. Iâll immediately steer that conversation to the unrelenting hotness of Colin Kaepernick and what your thoughts are on taking a knee. But still, sports, bro.
But I get it. We all have fetishes and things that get us off. I really dig black athletic socks and a basketball short, preferably worn sans underwear because itâs the closest thing to a public service most of you will accomplish, but my âthingâ outside the confines of a hookup app wouldnât land me in a march carrying tiki torches with other âvery fineâ people. Speaking of which, our president is super racist and I think we forget that with all the Russian adult film stars being fired everyday.
Of course, the normalization of all this blatant racism (the physical manifestation of which is Jeff Sessions) plays a part in all this sexually-induced insensitivity, but honestly, white boys were trying to call me nigger under Obama, too. So whatâs a black boy to do when heâs just trying to score some strange? To pose that proverbial question: Can a bitch live?
Iâve tried quitting apps, Iâve tried to write my pain away, I pulled up A Seat at the Table and tried to drink it away, dance it away, change it with my hair, and put several in the air. The thing is, though, some people just suck. Like, hard. Itâs not a reflection of me. Itâs a reflection of our society, for sure, and our society needs to take a long hard look in the mirror, fix its face, and generally pull it the fuck together. Because no one deserves to be made to feel less than just because youâre horny that day.
Dating as a black queer man will never be a pleasant experience for me. Over a decade of attempts have proven that, without question. But my experience shouldnât be anyone elseâs. I didnât get an Oscar-filled urn thrown in my face by Sarah Paulson...anyway, if youâre reading this, and you witness some racist or any other discriminatory bullshitâagainst Asians, against fats, against fems, defending Shangelaâs loss on Drag Raceâcall it out. The world, as well as a disconcertingly large percentage of people, already suck and Iâve got a great novel and/or a decent Instagram post to write. Â
* I didnât actually Google that title but if thereâs already a porno named that I quit. Like, everything.