Hi:)

Let’s say you have a badass job. A great job. You make $100 AN HOUR. You work 10 hours a day ($1000 A DAY), 5 days a week ($5000 a week!!!), every week ($20,000 A MONTH), thats $240,000 Every Year.

You want to make one billion in a human lifetime? If you made $10,000 an HOUR, 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, every week, all year, it would take you 41 years to hit a billion.

(And that’s not counting, ya know, money you spend to stay alive on food or rent or anything. )

1 million seconds is approximately 11 days. 

as Amphibian Man in The Shape of Water

as the Pale Man in Pan’s Labyrinth

as Faun in Pan’s Labyrinth

as the Angel of Death in Hellboy II: The Golden Army 

as Billy Butcherson in Hocus Pocus

as one of the Gentlemen in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

as Edith’s Mother, Lady Sharpe in Crimson Peak

as Silver Surfer in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

as Saru in Star Trek: Discovery

…in Budapest, with my daughter Maddy, long long ago in 2007. From http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2007/07/circus-drums-in-distance.html?m=1

Doug isn’t just a human special effect because he acts well under latex. He inhabits each of his roles, at a level of discomfort and with a lack of sleep that I would find murderous. (Think how early he needs to be in in the morning to have that latex glued on. Think how late filming can go. Doug has rights he sometimes elects not to use, in order to keep a production moving. I’ve seen him asleep propped up in order to keep a movie on schedule.)

Level 0-2: Beginner

Level ⓪

·        Took Meds □

·        Ate Something □

·        Drank Something □

Level ①

·        Changed my clothes- even just from dressing gown to new pyjamas □

·        Left the bed for >30mins during the day – even just to the sofa □

·        Opened the curtains when I was awake and there was daylight □

Level ②

·        Washed body- shower/bath □

·        Cleansed face □

·        Brushed teeth □

·        Had an actual meal □

·        Wore day time clothes □

·        Left the bed for >3hours during the day □

Level 3-5: Intermediate

Level ③

·        Completed Beginner □

·        Woke up before 12pm □

·        Slept before 3am □

·        Made tea □

·        Washed Hair □

·        Messaged a friend/family member □

·        Did not engage in obsessive/unhealthy behaviours □

·        Had at least two actual meals at normal times □

·        Left the bed for afternoon and early evening □

Level ④

·        Woke up before 10.45am □

·        Slept before 1.45am □

·        Did hair/make-up/some sort of personal grooming □

·        Left the house (briefly) □

·        Had three meals including breakfast □

·        Spoke to a friend family member on the phone or in person □

·        Out of bed for the majority of the day □

Level ⑤

·        Managed normal sleep/waking cycle □

·        Performed usual morning routine □

·        Socialised with friends/family □

·        Checked Emails/messages □

·        Washed my mugs □

Level 6: Advanced

Level ⑥

·        Completed Intermediate □

·        Tidied the room □

·        Did my Laundry □

·        Made sure I had Groceries □

·        Re-engaged in some study □

·        Restarted an interest I normally abandon when sick (sport/music/art?) □

The more people you have for this game, the better. It has to happen at night. The people get into a straight line, and begin to walk in that line all around the area. They cannot turn around and look at each other, and cannot speak; with the exception of the person at the front of the line.

That persons job is to begin the role call. They simply say, “Role Call!” And their name, then each person down the line says their name in turn.

Here’s the kicker: there’s one person not included in the line. The Taker. They have the job of stealing away the person at the end of the line as silently as possible. The game’s sole purpose is to instill a sense of fear and paranoia in whoever is in front, because as more people get taken, there are less and less people to say their names during the Role Call.

The front person decides when they want to start the Role Call. Obviously, the more often it’s said, the less scary it is. But as more and more people disappear, they become Takers and can then do more damage than just the one.

Some Takers can replace the person they stole, making the person directly in front of them either incredibly paranoid or safe. At least until the Role Call. Takers cannot say anything during it, so it usually ends up more terrifying to know that the person behind you is silent. Again, everyone in the line cannot make a sound except responding to the Role Call.

The game is over when the person in front is taken. There is no winning, only waiting. Waiting for your turn to go. Imagine the fear that person in front has, when they softly announce “Role Call” only to find that everyone behind them is gone.

scared scared scared scared scared SCARED SCARED SCARED SCARED SCARED–

HAVE TO RUN AWAY WE HAVE TO RUN WE’RE NOT SAFE HERE WE HAVE TO RUN–

i literally could not care less

they’ll find us again, they’ll find us again, they’ll hunt us, they’ll hurt us, we can’t hide forever–

incredible feeling of doom and dread with no explanation

**makes a mistake** time to cut off all communication with everyone ever because i am only capable of hurting people

i feel fantastic! wait – nope, it’s gone

NIGHTMARES

**something completely irrelevant takes place** *TRIGGERED*

there is literally nothing wrong, why do i feel so terrified

You Did Something. You Fucking Did Something To Me. I Can’t Remember But I Know You Did. How Dare You Set Foot In Here

“you’re your own worst enemy” except it’s fucking true

can the children please stop screaming now it’s 3 AM. no i meant the children inside my head

did you hear that?? DID YOU HEAR THAT

please don’t raise your voice god please i’ms os orry i’m s rory p ease don t hur tm e i did nt me anit l ltike th a t

T a i n t e d 

**someone asks a question** **everyone has to fucking answer**

“wow you’re such a strong person” no. i’m not. i’m fucking weak. i literally crumbled mentally from what happened to me. go fuck yourself.

wanting to touch and be touched but at the same time being touched is terrifying and makes you vomit in your mouth

“hey you wanna cuddle?” “actually nevermind i feel gross don’t touch me” “HEY YOU WANNA C–”

can’t sleep my head is too loud

Who am i? WHO AM I!? WHAT AM I WHO AM I WHO 

one completely random sound = Flashback Hell

wait you mean you don’t have 15 voices in your head constantly disagreeing with you??

is that pain? i can’t tell

it’s not working my coping methods aren’t working it’s not working IT’S NOT WORKING

“your experiences make up who you are” thanks, looks like i’m made up of the trauma and hell my abusers put me through.

am i hungry, anxious or need to pee, or all three

i showered yesterday. wait it was 4 days ago??

you kicked me from front for 3 days what the FUCK did you do

that’s not my name that’s not my name that’s not my name that’s not my name that’s not

i did that?? are you sure??? did i really do that??? did i really say that???

WHY CAN’T I FUCKING REMEMBER ANYTHING I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I DID TEN MINUTES AGO I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I WAS DOING RIGHT NOW HOW THE HELL DID I SURVIVE AT ALL THIS LONG

i’m alive? you mean i’m not dead? why do i feel like i’m decaying?

who is that

do you remember what you did? do you remember at all? do you even care? you don’t care. you just act like it never happened. 

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.

why do i feel like it’s 2007 and i’m 12 years old

i literally was capable of doing this yesterday who the fuck forgot

am i fronting? am i co-fronting? am i real? is any of this real? are my alters even real? 

why do i feel like i’m f  a  d  i  n  g

i wish i knew what i was like if i didn’t have all this shit that fucked me up.

- who am I?

- who are you?

- Happy Halloween! It’s Christmas? Since when???

- I’m bisexual. No, pansexual. No, asexual. No, bisexual.

- AHHHHH

- Headaches™

- who’s controlling the body???

- Okay guys, I got this

- I DON’T GOT THIS

- Look at me, I’m definitely the host. Totally normal. I’m obviously one person. Clearly.

- *Littles throwing tantrums in the distance*

- *walks past a mirror* WHO THE HELL IS THAT???

- Dissociate™

- Idk sometimes the people in my head have good advice

When I was little, I thought that the saying that ‘Cats have 9 lives’ meant that each cat had 9 different cats inside them, and that they took turns with the body.

Growing up with a lot of cats (a lot!), I began to try and map out the ‘personalities’ of my cats. A normally agressive cat wanted pets? Must have switched to the lovey cat. An older cat started playing like a kitten? A young cat personality must have come out.

I didn’t have names for them, but I thought of them as things like ‘the loud one’, ‘the scared one’, ‘the gentle one’, ‘the mean one’, ‘the happy one’, ect.

I thought, that must be why cats sleep so much, so they can change between the personalities. Short cat naps to ease the transition.

I worried that not every personality got to hear from me that I loved them, so I’d make sure to say it often, so everyone inside the cat would know.

This was normal to me. I didn’t tell anyone because I thought that everyone else knew it too.

Looking back it seems so obvious, but when I was little, I didn’t know about DID or alters or systems or mental illness. I just knew that it made perfect sense for each cat to have more than one cat inside of them.