the reactionist

in the recent years when i please myselfi rarely imagine body parts to stimulate my system to produce the pleasure chemicals for an orgasmic experience; i realize i often use images of natural things - for example redwoods, or wildcats’ fur; these things feel more soothing and welcoming to me. i have ill experience with sexual trauma, sexual manipulation but most terrible of all - sort of rape with an object; i hate the fact i haven't grown up feeling another person’s warm, pulsating tense hard on when i come, but a plastic thing that bruised me and made me feel inexpressable shame about sexuality and myself;

i had actual sex for the first time this year and what i need now is to come out of the dreams with smooth fur and soft leaves i’ve been having, and have more actual human sex; this bonds people to their humanity. i have  strong ascetic and spiritual past - i have had vision of being among the central american high priests that performed heart-offering ceremonies, and later a very powerful association with spiritual life in tibet, amongst tibetan lamas. so i am much more animal and nature attuned to, than humans; but we are a society, so this makes up difficulties for me,

Pelicans in the Moonlight 

i would really like to have Teal speak more about athletics because I thinkthis makes her much more resillient and confident, in the end - she obviouslly has that in her mind, but also she managed to achieve things in the phyical sense as well. i lck that. i am not even helthy because of that; it comes from  sense of unworthiness but nevertheless I JUST HAVE A PROBLEM with accepting i deserve to have good health and to thrive, so I DON'T! i wish i could listen to some formulas about athletic achievement - i am not a badly jealous person, i could handle that type of inspiration - another person's previous experience. i want to hear teal talk about her times of superachievement in th ephysical - when she was just confident. i have my neighbour talk about that to me - he's a professional athlete - ice hocjkey national team player in our country, but here we have a very slow economy and thereis not the same freedom and coolness to be excellent and great. people ahve hated him, and have hated me when i was extraordinary in athletics before, in music, and in art, writing and pulic speaking. i still get denied access to jobs because i shame the HRs with my ability to trust and love myself, the innate trust, even though i dont seem super confident. tehy cut me off ebcause they feel they have the power to use to cut everybody that isn't PERFECT. i am not. i think the process of perfection is infinite - it is not just th epeak of your sports career,it is having your son and being perfect to have enough money to afford his higher education and healthy lifestyle. like christian heria does with his little kid >>  <<

F R E E W E E K E N D

i loved the root chakra video. it helps so much with getting into the rap music and rhythms and the neergy of black people, who truly are awesome in their confidence and groundedness; i have problems with my sexual chakra, ad some with the root chakra as well, and my solar plexus is depleted (i suffer from diabetes because of dat), and i started deliberately listening to rap much more to train myself get accustomed to my root chakra and whole tree of energy centers upwards being positive, firm and in a good state; it’s easier said than implemented wholesomely, especially with nobody to practice sex with and with lack of motivatio and the energy to excercise too much, but it’s slowly happenning.

this video/song is especially soothing my hormonal needs, i love the tyga part and it’s sweet to me how he sings about fucking that girl up until the pointof “caliente, muy caliente”; i have begun dreaming /meditating on having sex with rappers because i had a similar experience with my neighbour who’s a national hockey team player from around here and his level of self-confidence and adoration for his bod is quite similar; the sex was good with him; no wonder i went seeking him yesterday at my old home :3 lol that’s half-joke, but half-truth at the same time; i need that senseof stability. and when we started engaging sexually i explained tat to him: that girls can be very disorganized while men are like pillars of firmness and direction that can serve as something firm to wrap a woman’s scattered mind around and ground her, helping her move into alignment with her priorities,and actually do something, instead of stay and wait or wonder all of the time. wondering is good in its own way, but soemtimes it’s key to know how to act, still.] -

the cool thig i see while working on this chakra that way (after teal swan video on the topic) is i feel much more aligned with my heart center while getting into my sensations of stability, safety, glory and pride - i am experiencing it from the viewpoint of openess - as equal to everybody else who is a sexual, sentient creature; wooh! it’s exciting; but very humbling experience as well. i am buddhist very much still; peace!

I feel that I am so insecure. People seem to be much more comfortable than I am. I speak, but I am nervous. I talk, but I am very serious when I talk. I have problems taking space and just talk without feeling into people and how they react, and when I do that I feel insecure too, because I don't know what they will think. I try to cope every day. Today I feel anxiety and fear because I lack self confidence and self trust. I don't trust myself to have control. I just want someone else to take over the control. No pressure. It is so comfortable just to follow, until it is not. My daughter is also affected by her parents and she dreams dreams that are about separation, and so I feel guilty, because she does not want to see anything else but what her father says, that we, as a couple, are soo soo close to a treasure. I know her dream is a reflection of her thoughts, her inner thoughts, but it feels uncomfortable to stand on my own side. She feels that it is dark for me to leave and that her father, my husband, provides food and warmth, and she can't understand how I prefer to live by myself, in an ugly and dangerous appartement, where she feels fear, and she want me to go back to her father... Guilttripping me with her dreams. And I always forget what it is like to talk with my husband, until I do, then I remember easily.

i’ve been thinking A LOT about Teal’s self-hate/doubt destructive programming; i had that too when i was in a sexual sect/religious cult here in Bulgaria;

in essence the programming goes against everything you now is natural in you - self love, self care, self confidence etc.

i used to need to get out of that so i figured out i could train my emotions and clear my messed-up head a bit by doing this: i would grab something i knew is positive, and try to convince myself or another person it is bad - so my heart space knows innately this is good, and i will try to fuck with my mind to see how the damage is being done, not involving any true hatred in the excercise, just seeing where my mind would lead me:

so i know veganism is good, but i would grab the vegetable ‘carrot’ and will try and convince someone carrots are not good for them and how they are not good for them; or either i will try to speak to myself about what benefits not eating carrots may have. this is exhausting but it brings a lil’ peace to mind because when you have a suicidal, self-destructive pattern imprinted deep within you, it is super hard to even take a rest, so you become too tense to be around. in my case i was put into psychiatric institutions and heavily medicated and had electric shocks performed on me, because of that. that restlessness is what “priests” would call “demonic”; it’s the kundalini energy unleashed. but anyways, let’s focus on the practical things one can do to rid themselves of negative programming;

i would put myself in the shoes of the abuser and at one point begin disbelieving the programming i have had because my focus is on something i see as completely beneficial for me or for anybody - a carrot, a kitty, etc.

i would argue in my mind with myself pointing out any detail i might wish to present as negative (there’s hair all over the house when you have a cat, smell of poo, etc) about the thing, and then give time to my emotions to settle and see when my head is cleared what my heart decides for the overall beneficil or non-beneficial aspects of the object or thing - for example, a carrot.

it’s liek breakign a spell.it takes a lot of work that looks ridiculous from  distance but this is the only way to master your mind back to your personal benefit, and put down te chains another hasforced onto you; in teal’s cse it is super intense and terrifying so the more time it would take, i believe, sinceshe was super young when it all started;

a more powerful exampel even would e i will take a mountain and i will be like hating the obviouslly beautiful place i am in - it is difficult getting there, tehre may be bears around, blah-blah; and when mymind is settled and i get tired of complaining, i will be at peace and find the beauty round me, forgetting abotu any ill though i’d had previously, because of disbelief in my self and my inner strengths;

idk what happens when you begin negtign soemthing that is obviouslly positive without reson - like lying to yourself actually; my mother has that, the person who tortured teal obviouslly hs that too in some form, but i think this leads to insanity, or else - deep mindfuck; possibly teal’s problem is that she is sensitive and experiences stuff not so much like ordinary people - with a distanced perspective of the moody, sleepy 3d body, but her whole world is made up of vibration and is constantly spinning nd whirling, flowing or else in motion; and i suppose the scary things she has heard and been made to contemplate, are a hundred times more debilitating because it i like having a virtual reality headset and nto being able to escape from the feeling of the bad things you are told maerializing before you in your physical space;

idk if that is actually helpful, but at least i have compassion for your pastexperiences, teal; i hope you will rid yourself of any traces of that damageing programming real soon <3

i would do this as a game: look at soemthign really amazing and start making up bad stuff abotu it; then iwould analyze what has come outof my subconscious, instead of feeling scared by myself becaus ei obviouslly am being a terrible person; aggression is nromal and whence we get to terms with it and the thought patterns behind that emotion, it is much easier to overcome and swallow.

self-help is taking full rwponsibility for one’s self; especially the bad patterns and programming within; but releasing them to realize it wasn’t you whothinks that the whole time, it is soemthign deeply embedded; and even if you hve soem grudges really abotu stuff inthis world and hate them,etc, you can coemto peace with why you experiene negtuive emotions towards them,a nd in time, if you wish, you can even overcoem that; btu the truth is boundaries are formed because of real triggers i the external reality, not because we just , for example, out of nowhere dcise we hate people touching us on the bus and we start crrying a knife with us; it is likely taht we have been sexually abused in order to become so senitive about that,a nd our reaction has actual grounds; so don’t beat yourselves up for any negative reaction to living youmight have currently;some of them re truly healthy.

i didnt read the articel yet but: your subconiousness knows where the cards are when you shuffel them, so it sure can predict the future because the future is shaped by our habbits and past expiriences. The problem is, that your ego can interfier and thous turn the reading into whishfull thinking, which can also come true if you beliefe in it and change your behaviour for it to come true. Whishfull thinking is not and will never be enough, its the actions that count in the end.