———————-

Meanwhile, my husband has been lying to my face and gaslighting me.

No wonder I’m so sad and feel so alone.

The only person I feel I have to talk to in this new season of life and he’s built a wall to protect himself that also created the greatest divide and distance between us and he’s left me to feel like it’s all my fault.

I am so unwell. It’s deeply triggering to not be able to trust my reality as an adult. How did I choose this life for myself, still?

And worse, are we going to ruin our child? I don’t believe the trust can be repaired, truly. I feel shattered. I feel like accepting roommate stage for life but I know that teaches sweet p to accept less than she deserves and I’m terrified of that. She deserves so much more.

We promised each other we’d never be like those couples who don’t really like each other. But here we are.

I said to my family at dinner a few weeks ago: I think I’m finally crawling out of this depression hole.

I even said I felt a little happy.

And then…. An explosion. Words I can’t type. Pain visible by the marks left.

I’m tired but can’t sleep. I’m lonely but can’t connect.

I’m still unwell. I’m still a shattered shell of who I was.

This is who I am now? This is how I live?

Hope is lost. Survival is trying.