Belonging
Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Like, anywhere you go you can't help but feel odd and weird. Like that line from Bad Omen's song: in every place I'm on my toes and still I feel like I impose. That' exactly how I felt my entire life. Never belonging anywhere, never feeling like I should belong. It was just like someone dropped me somewhere where I can't seem to catch my breath.
It roots all the way to a sense of belonging to the geographical area I was born into, it never resonated with me. I do admit that I love so many things about the place I was born into and I hold great love toward my Motherland, I appreciate it, I cherish it and I admire it. And that's the country I grew up in; but I was born a few kilometres from there and it is a different country, a country I live in now. And for years I have been trying to find out what is keeping me here, trying to find something I will stick to, something that won't make me feel so alienated. And I made friends, I made great memories, I learned so many different things, gained so much experience and growth, so many nice things happened, I progressed so much in every way but still I can't find the thread that holds me. I have great love for the city I live in; I love it during summer nights, it has so much to offer, it always loved me and yet, I have struggled here the most. But our biggest progress and breakthrough come exactly through hardship and struggle.
My pain that stems down from knowing better, from experiencing better, for longing for better and lighter has caused me so much pain because I keep on falling into my own trap. I try to convince myself to love it here, to enjoy my life here to the max, I try to convince myself that this is all there is, and that causes me so much pain too. Knowing I'm born for bigger, better things will never let me settle. And maybe I'm not meant to settle and accept things, but to learn to swim through hardship and experience the darker side of me. All I know is, this chapter required extreme growth through hardship. And this entire year already feels like saying goodbye to this place. Layer by layer, by layer. And I keep on reminding myself that one day I might look back and regret for not being more open and extroverted while being here, but I guess I am not meant to because I physically can't pull myself out of isolation, which I feel is very much needed due to amount of self-work that I'm doing.
Going through life I felt like I belong only in few instances, but even then, I didn't feel complete until I went to my first heavy music festival alone. The sense of belonging, the sense of sharing the exact same energy and frequency is something I thought I will never ever experience. I just came back from the second festival I went to alone and I'm speechless. The environment, the people, music, bands, everything was perfect. I am stunned. I have been dreaming of the day when I will see The Offspring, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, Bad Omens live. And let me tell you that some dreams really take their sweet time. They come to you exactly when they were supposed to. And they deliver more than a live gig. They deliver revelations, undeniable sense of belonging and the most beautiful energy ever. Also, lots of growth because you dared to leave your comfort zone, because you chose to be slightly uncomfortable.
Which leads me to say that sometimes belonging does not mean you belong to a country or a city, sometimes it's the energy you gravitate towards that will in turn take you to a place where you truly belong, among the people of your species. Sometimes, I take a step back and just observe my life and how things unfold. It's very necessary, because otherwise you miss out on those golden moments when things start making sense again.
This is my encouragement to anyone out there who feels alone, isolated and out of place. Find your group of people or better yet, wish for it. Sometimes you belong to more than one group. Sometimes you will find them in different areas of your life, and they will make you feel accepted and seen no matter what. I will use this opportunity to send a shoutout to my astrology & tarot group of wonderful beings who welcome me as one of their own, who support me and see me for who I am. Appreciating people should be done on a regular basis, not just sometimes.
Source: Belonging
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately feeling a lot of the same as this. I've had adventures exploring different programs that have had me experiencing different parts of my country and even outside of it to another. Only to then come back to my home state and then covid hits and changes the world. But with life you need money and to get money you need to work. I've been working in an arts and crafts store which has been fine but not quite the right fit. I've tried and searched for anything else that might work for me where I'm currently living and after many many many attempts I've come up with nothing. Anything else seems so mundane and office job like and I could never in a million years be satisfied with that. I need creativity and movement and adventure. I've come to the point of feeling the need to move out of my state for a fresh start and new opportunities. A terrifying thought but also not like its something I haven't done before. Just not without a program to help me.
I know people move out of state all the time. Its entirely possible and I have the ability to adapt to new environments. Only this time I would be more on my own but not entirely. If anything I'm more working up the courage to do serious research on the logistics of it all. Which is daunting in and of itself being such a huge concept to wrap my head around. But I will do my best. This is my life and I am the only one to live it. I'd like to live it to the fullest even though I'm scared. There is no one else to make this decision but me.
