how do yall just… drink soda every day??? how do you do that?? like… that doesnt hurt?

My blood has been completely replaced by cherry coke don’t even try me

Light a candle directly in front of your automatic Glade spray air freshener that way every 9 minutes a fireball shoots across your living room table, intimidating your house guests, asserting your dominance in your domain

me @ the stars: help me

you know that part in emperor’s new groove when devil kronk is like “that’s nothing. look what I can do” and does a one-handed handstand and then angel kronk is like “he’s got a point”? that’s two brain cells representation babey

Today I’m wearing a nice dark shade of exhaustion under my eyes.

*organizes life at 3am*

carrie fisher may not be on this earth anymore but she still has the biggest dick energy of them all and that’s a Fact

IAN MCKELLEN IS A TREASURE AND WE MUST PROTECT HIM WITH OUR EVERYTHING

I’m glad to know that John Mulaney was an English major because it means when he says “college is just ‘I think Emily Dickinson is a lesbian!’ and they’re like ‘partial credit!’” he says it with authority.