A Void To Shout In

how the hell am i supposed to survive june 30th this year? seriously, i’m asking the void because i don’t know.

to make matters a million times worse, i actually have to work that day at summer camp. i'm going to be surrounded by screaming kids, having to put on a fake smile, play camp games, and act like everything is totally fine when inside i'm just completely mourning technoblade. trying to hide that level of sadness in front of literal children for hours is going to be absolute hell.

techno meant so much to me and his memory still does. it hurts so bad and i just want to be under my blankets with my plushies, not forced to be high-energy counselor of the year.

if anyone else out there is dreading this day, just know i'm screaming into the void right there with you. technoblade never dies, but man, some days are just so heavy.

(Edit)

to make matters a million times worse, i actually have to work that day at summer camp. i'm going to be surrounded by screaming kids, having to put on a fake smile, play camp games, and act like everything is totally fine when inside i'm just completely mourning technoblade. trying to hide that level of sadness in front of literal children for hours is going to be absolute hell.

I’m sitting here, laying in bed, desperately trying to distract myself from my sickness with YouTube, but I’m having a really shitty day. Yesterday I had to go home early because I vomited at work and I felt so guilty because I love that job and I love my coworkers and my friends. And now I’m sitting up because I don’t want the reflux to return and I feel like I failed my parents and my coworkers and everyone who ever cared about me because it feels like my only job as a daughter is to make people happy and if I can’t do that, then I’m basically just worthless and a waste of space.

Ever since the last time I got sick when my mom got mad at me, the guilt I feel about getting sick is eating me alive. I never wanna let down my coworkers or the people I care about and yet, it feels like I’m always doing that anytime I get sick. I just find it so hypocritical that when they’re a kid and you’re sick, your parents take care of you but as soon as you get to a teenager or a young adult, they just stop and if they get mad at you when it’s not even your fault and it’s not your fault that you don’t feel good.

When my mom gets angry, she gets passive aggressive, and her words basically turn into venom and my biggest fear in this life is disappointing her but I guess maybe that’s all I was ever meant to do. It’s just disappoint everybody who ever cared about and then one day they’ll stop caring about me because maybe I never deserved their kindness in the first place.

also me: scene: it’s 2 AM. i am fast asleep, but then i jolt out of bed. grab my AGRO hoodie and grab one of my bed pillows and shove the bed pillow aggressively into the hoodie like a second pillowcase and shaking it the way you put on a pillowcase before slipping the now pillow-ified hoodie into my blanket so that i can straddle it and hug it with my full body at 2 AM because i miss Technoblade so fucking much and my family doesn’t understand

So, after I got home, I collapsed on my bed, stomach absolutely KILLING me, and me feeling so guilty for being sick. Like the guilt was eating me alive and honestly, it still is. And I’m trying to distract myself with Minecraft if I’m being perfectly honest with you, I don’t know if I can play for that long tonight. I mean, I think I know why I feel this guilty whenever I get sick and it’s because of something that happened with my mom a couple months ago… so one day, I woke up feeling not good. I forget exactly what I had but it doesn’t matter and I was in my bed. Feeling absolutely disgusting and sad because I already felt like I was letting my people down and letting my coworkers down and letting my family down, but instead of being there for me and holding me through the sickness, when I had to be sent home I mean when I had to skip work mom looked at me and acted like my being sick was a moral failing and so not only was I physically miserable but now I was emotionally miserable and the guilt was tearing me up inside because I don’t ever wanna disappoint my family or my coworkers or my boss. But on that day, I don’t know how somehow my boss was way more understanding than my own mother. It’s like she almost it’s like she looked at my job and looked at my spreadsheet, metaphorically and only saw the data instead of actually seeing the human being. And I felt like she was being a massive hypocrite because you know when you’re a kid and you get sick your mom is there to take care of you. Your mom is there to make you chicken noodle soup and put on your favorite show and help you clean up when you puke on yourself but as soon as you’re a teenager or a young adult still living at home and you get sick and you have to skip work, all of that kindness just fades and it’s that reason why I feel so incredibly guilty whenever I get sick because it doesn’t happen that often and I never give myself grace because because of how she acts when I’m sick can you imagine being in my shoes imagine being essentially be driven and hearing your mom, talk bad about you to dad behind your back while you’re already sick and you’re already feeling like shit. Well that’s what happened to me that night and that’s why I hear always feel horrible about myself because before I get sick I’m terrified that I’m gonna let her down again and I miss the way things used to be when my mom saw the human being instead of a spreadsheet instead of just the employee.

Thanks for letting me rant to you guys about this. That’s what this blog is for. It’s for the random sad things you think about 2 AM that you can’t really tell anybody. But I’m glad I could tell somebody. I’m glad I could tell you.

Good luck out there.

Hi there. I thought today was gonna be good. I thought it was actually gonna be a rare surprise: an actually nice Monday. But boy, was I wrong.

I went to work and played with the kids, but then I ate some shit and drank a coke that my friend gave me, and I seriously regret it because soda does not agree with me. But unfortunately, I drank it and I spent the past half hour on the bathroom floor and my job puking into a toilet before I had the guts to text my dad to take me home. 

And I’m extremely loyal to my job, especially during the summer, so I feel immense guilt leaving it, but I was miserable. I still am absolutely miserable, and I really wanna play bedwars, but I should probably just rest and watch some old Technoblade VODs. I even puked in the staff bathroom and was begging for my phone to watch techno, but my job is Internet is not good and I probably couldn’t even get YouTube open so I’m just sitting here with a stomach feeling absolutely miserable and guilty hoping for this pain to go away.