This is a (more-or-less) complete list of quotes from the film. Send a quote, or just send “💀💩L” for a random starter. Change pronouns as necessary. NSFW; includes strong language, sexual references, mentions of cancer, animal abuse, ableist/transphobic language, etc.
“I’m getting kinda lonesome back here.”
“Love is a beautiful thing.”
“It’s Christmas, and I’m after someone on my naughty list.”
“How about a crisp high five?”
“Have you seen this man?”
“I’ve never said this, but don’t swallow!”
“Shit…did I leave the stove on?”
“I only brought 12 bullets, so you’re gonna have to share.”
“Someone’s not counting.”
“I’m touching myself tonight.”
“Now…if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named _______, where would I hide?”
“Really? Rolling up the sleeves?”
“That guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabob!”
“I may be super, but I am no hero.”
“I didn’t order the pizza.”
“Then who placed the call?”
“I will shoot your fucking cat!”
“You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They’re jeans, not a chandelier.”
“Words hurt, but not as much as serrated steel.”
“That came out wrong…or did it?”
“Should’ve brought my rollerblades.”
“And that’s why we do it. Mostly the money, though.”
“Think you could fuck up my stepdad?”
“If I give some guy a pavement facial, it’s because he’s earned it.”
“I’d like a blowjob- the drink, moose-knuckle.”
“I ain’t taking no babysitting money.”
“You know, for a merc, you’re pretty warm-blooded.”
“Ah, he’s not such a bad kid.”
“Just a little light stalking.”
“I was way worse at his age.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen your Instagram.”
“What were special forces doing in _________, anyway?”
“They have an amazing TGI Fridays.”
“Alright…Kalua, Bailey’s, and whipped cream. I give you: a blowjob.”
“Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!”
“Domestic, nothing imported!”
“I’m living until I’m 102, and then dying, like the city of Detroit.”
“Hands off the merchandise.”
“You’d better apologize before- yeah. That.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t have a filter between my mouth and my-”
“Hey, hey! Hakuna his tatas!”
“So…you bump fuzzies for money?”
“Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?”
“Who would do such a thing?”
“I get it. You love skee-ball. Apparently, more than you love vagina!”
“Prepare to lose tragically.”
“Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.”
“FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot!”
“What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?”
“How long can we keep this up?”
“Happy Chinese New Year.”
“Happy International Women’s Day.”
“If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?”
“Oh, that sweater is awful! Looks good on you, though.”
“I’ve been thinking. About why we’re so good together.”
“Your crazy matches my crazy, big-time.”
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you- but only because you haven’t gotten around to asking me.”
“Will you stick it in my…?”
“Where were you hiding that?”
“Oh, I feel just like a little girl!”
“Jesus Christ, it’s like I made you in a computer!”
“Here’s the thing: life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This has been the ultimate commercial break, which means it’s time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.”
“You’re clowning…you’re not clowning.”
“You look like you need a blowjob and a shower.”
“Can I help you with something?” ( optional: “Besides luring children into a panel van?” )
“Forty-one confirmed kills. That’s one every seven weeks, same rate most folks get a haircut.”
“I tried the hero business once, and it left a mark. But if I ever hit fuck it, I’ll give you a call.”
“This is my most prized possession.”
“I want you to remember me, not the ghost of Christmas me.”
“It’s a real shit-show- like the Yakov Smirnoff opening for the spin doctors at the Iowa State Fair- and under no circumstances will I take you to that show.”
“I swear to God, I’m gonna find you in the next life and I’m going to boombox Careless Whisper outside your window.”
“Nobody is boomboxing anything!”
“I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamed I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it.”
“They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.”
“The worst part about cancer isn’t what it does to you- it’s about what it does to the people you love.”
“You finally hit fuck-it.”
“Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else’s.”
“Just promise you’ll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else.”
“Please don’t make the super-suit green. Or animated!”
“This place looks sanitary.”
“My first request is warmer hands. Jesus, and a warmer bed!”
“Aren’t you a little strong for a lady?” ( optional: “I’m calling wang!” )
“I’m just excited for my first day of superhero camp!”
“We have another talker.”
“Is ____ your real name? Because it sounds suspiciously made-up.” ( optional: “What is it really? Mitch? Kevin? Bruce? The Rickster? Is it Basil Fawlty?” )
“My opening speech used to be full of euphemisms, like “This may hurt a little” and “You may experience some discomfort”…”
“You’ve heard the whole “make an omlette, break some eggs” bit, yeah?
“I no longer feel pain. In fact, I no longer feel anything.”
“You have something in your teeth.”
“One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.”
“What- you’re just going to leave me with angrier Rosie O’Donnell, here?”
“In order for this to work, we have to cause you intense pain.”
“Anything on my bucket list would have to involve public nudity.”
“Hey, don’t take any shit from him. After all, how tough can he be with a name like _______?”
“You are so relentlessly annoying.”
“Why don’t you do us all a favour and shut the fuck up before I sew that pretty mouth shut?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“Fucking hell! Looks like someone just lost his shot at homecoming king!”
“I’ve seen side-effects like this before.”
“You sadistic fuck! What have you done to me?!”
“You’re immortal. I’m actually quite jealous.”
“This ain’t a life worth living, is it?”
“I’m gonna do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the 90′s!”
“Benefits of being a superhero? They pull down a gaggle of ass. Dry-cleaning, coffee shops, lucrative movie deals, including spin-offs as well as larger ensemble movies…”
“They’re all lame-ass teacher’s pets!”
“You know I can hear you?”
“I don’t have time for your X-Men bullshit, ________!”
“Who’s this? Your sidekick?”
“_________? What the shit? That’s the coolest name ever!”
“Look at me! I’m a teenage girl! I’d rather be anywhere than here! I’m all about long sullen silences, punctuated by mean comments, followed by more sullen silences! So, what’s it gonna be? Long sullen silence, or mean comment?”
“You got me in a box here, dude.”
“You’re really gonna fuck this up for me?”
“It’s not like I’m hurting anyone!”
“That guy was already up there when I got here!”
“All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex.”
“You ever hear about the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?”
“Do you have an off-switch?”
“Yeah, it’s right next to the prostate. Or is that the on-switch?”
“Dead or alive, you’re coming with me!”
“You ever seen 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.”
“Are you there, God? It’s me, ________!”
“You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.”
“You look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.”
“You look like a testicle with teeth.”
“Captain _______…no. Just ________. Definitely just ________.”
“________. That sounds like a fucking franchise.”
“Tell me where your fucking boss is, or you’re gonna die!” ( optional: “…in five minutes!” )
“Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist not to hit you? This is so confusing!”
“I’ll take a footlong. Fully loaded.”
“You’re looking very alive.”
“You might wanna look away for this.”
“This little piggy went to…”
“Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Or wear red.”
“I got blood in your garbage.”
“A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That’s like, sixteen walls.”
“She’s like the Robin to my Batman.”
“Smells like old lady pants in here!”
“Yes, I’m old. Yes, I wear pants.”
“Ah, but you’re no lady.”
“How’s the Kullen coming along? Ikea doesn’t assemble itself, you know.”
“Please. Anything’s an improvement over the Hurdal. I’d have taken a Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal.”
“Just kidding, I know it’s been decades.”
“Why such a douche this morning?”
“Whoops. You weren’t meant to see that.”
“Looks aren’t everything.”
“Looks ARE everything! You ever hear David Beckham speak? It’s like he mouth-sexed a can of helium!”
“It’s about the size of a KFC spork.”
“I’ll bet it feels huge in this hand.”
“Found out who our friend in the red suit is.”
“We’ll put him out of our misery.”
“Can I get you anything? Maybe some clothes that aren’t monochromatic?”
“I’m looking for a friend of mine. Was wondering if you could help.”
“Uh, sweetheart, you might want to look behind you.”
“Probably not the best place to do that.”
“That’s alright, we’ve got everything we need.”
“Enjoy your midnight screening of Blade II.”
“We got a serious fucking problem, and by we I mean you.”
“Is there a word that means afraid and angry at the same time?”
“Have you decided what you’re gonna say to her?”
“Uh, maybe not start with that.”
“You can’t buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes.”
“Every time I see her, it’s like the first time. Especially from this angle.”
“Some guy was asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend.”
“You have ____ to thank for this.”
“Motherfucker! Cock-juggling jiminy-fuck!”
“That’s the shit emoji. You know, the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long…”
“That’s all the pieces in the apartment.”
“Careful, Ronnie Milsap! We’re downrange!”
“I have to admit, this is holding my interest.”
“I’d go with you, but…I don’t want to.”
“If I never see you again, I just want you to know that I love you, very much.”
“Ha-ha! Fake laugh, to hide the pain!”
“That bad guy you let get away stole my girl, and you’re going to help me get her back!”
“Yeah, it’s me, ________, and I’m here to make you an offer you can’t refuse!”
“I’ll just wait out here.”
“It’s a big house. It’s weird that I only ever see two of you.”
“…And that is why, in my opinion, the movie Cocoon is pure pornography.”
“Hey- where’s your duffel bag?”
“We’re just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, and maximum effort.”
“You’ve got the wrong girl.”
“See, I thought that too. But he just keeps coming back. Like a cockroach.”
“I may not feel, but he does.”
“Let’s see how he fights with your head on the block.”
“Oh, I’ma fuckin’ spell it out for ya.”
“That’s why I brought him!”
“I prefer not to hit a woman.”
“I mean…that’s why I brought her?”
“Oh no, please. Finish your tweet. Go on. Hashtag it.”
“Finish fucking her the fuck up!”
“Look away, child! LOOK AWAY!”
“I’m gonna give ya’ll a chance to lay down your firearms in exchange for preferential, gentle, possibly even lover-like treatment.”
“Does he write you notes too?”
“You were right, red really is my color.”
“I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve, ‘cause I’mma go looking!”
“You grow back body parts? When I’m finished, parts will have to grow back you.”
“Don’t worry, I’m gonna get you out of that shitbox!”
“Let’s dance, and by dance I mean let’s try to kill each other!”
“I’ve played a lot of roles. Damsel in distress ain’t one of them.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got this under control!”
“I got a plan. You’re not gonna like it.”
“You really thought there was a cure for that?”
“It sounds even stupider when you say it.”
“As stupid as admitting you can’t do the one thing I’m keeping you alive for?”
“Four or five moments. That’s all it takes to become a hero. Everyone thinks it’s a full-time job- wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero- not true.”
“Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you’re offered a choice to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend…spare an enemy.”
“You were droning on and on!”
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just a boy who’s about to stand in front of a girl, and tell her…what the fuck am I going to tell her?!”
“I deserved that- and that- ah, maybe not the nethers-!”
“I live in a crack house with 12 other people. Every night we spoon for warmth…everyone fights for Noelle, she’s the fattest. There’s nothing we don’t share. Floor space, dental floss…even condoms.”
“So you live in a house?”
“Hey after a period of adjustment and a shitload of drinks, it’s a face I’d be happy to sit on.”
“I should’ve come and found you sooner.”
“The guy under this mask, he ain’t the same one that you remember.”
“I’m not the same under this suit, either. Super-penis.”
“Go be a really, really big brother to someone!”
“Tell _____ to quit shitting on my lawn!”
“And you, Sinead O’Connor- Nothing Compares 2 U!”
“And now for the moment I’ve all been waiting for.”
“You’re still here? It’s over. Go home!”
“What were you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number?”
“We don’t have that kind of money.”
“Don’t leave your garbage all lying around. It’s a total dick move.”
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