time for the day-before-my-birthday sadness 😮‍💨

i think it's crazy that i started going to the gym regularly and altered my diet SLIGHTLY and ive been losing weight at a sustainable pace. like i still eat out once or twice a week but im eating slightly different foods recommended by my nutritionist during the week that work with my pcos, slightly altering what i eat when i go out (tbh usually just drinking coke zero instead of regular coke) and im weight training several times a week. and honestly the weight training isn't hard but im seeing my gains go up and my muscles are becoming more defined and it's kinda cool!!! wish i had learned how to do this instead of being put on weight watchers as a kid but hey im starting somewhere!!!

coming off a hypomanic bout of confidence right before pride show season is kind of terrible ngl. wdym i have to perform in front of people. i don't want to be perceived!!!!

*clenches fist* losing just under 4 pounds in two weeks is a reasonable pace and a sign your efforts are working and you're on your way to achieving your goal even if it doesn't feel like it especially since you're also gaining muscle

talking about this here to keep weight talks off of main, but i started seeing a nutritionist yesterday to help with PCOS/MS and also to try and lose some weight, and today I weighed myself for the first time in a while so I could have an accurate number to track and I've actually lost 10 pounds from the last time I weighed myself in March🥳

i realize some of this is the pmdd talking but i keep seeing posts and articles about the terrible things happening in my country and abroad and im hurting so much for others. ive been privileged enough to live in a relatively unaffected bubble, but how long until it pops?

made the mistake of looking at the old listing for my grandparents' house. there's a family living there now so i know it's different. but the seller had painted all of our bedrooms and accent walls. painted over all of the wood paneling and built-in cabinets. pulled up my grandfather's gardens. idk. i know there's a family there now and they put a jungle gym out there and im sure the house has life again, but seeing it that way made me tear up. i miss them so much. i miss that house so much.

tired of having a shitty memory. had a hard time remembering where exactly a store was. in the town i grew up in. because i don't go out that way maybe once every other month. i keep forgetting words, when i used to be so much more eloquent. i don't think my memory capabilities have necessarily gotten worse since my diagnosis but i still feel so dumb sometimes.

remember kids, don't forget to take your mood stabilizers on vacation and then inconsistently take them when you get back! otherwise you'll feel terrible!!!

had insomnia wednesday and thursday night, finaly got sleep friday night but it is now 3am saturday but im still awake, even though i didn't take ANY naps today when normally im a nap queen. anyways consistently take your mood stabilizers and ssris kids 🤪

sometimes it's hard to be excited about the good things happening in my life when the entire world is crumbling 🫠

im so tired like all the time. i skipped my lunchtime nap and for years any time i do that im exhausted. and then im tired pretty early later in the day. and it seems like no matter how late i stay up and how active my day is i gotta take a nap or be so worn out. idk if it's the MS or some other health problem but it's like this even with being active, and eating better, and even if im out all day. im such a sleepy bitch and i usually don't mind but sometimes it's annoying

i think i finally found a good balance of meds that's helping keep the mania and depression in check and it's like damn, this is what normal actually feels like? during my euphoric phases i always thought the high levels of happiness meant i was "finally cured" and i was unstoppable but now it's like ah. im experiencing emotions for the first time that aren't intense in one direction or another. THIS is how it's supposed to be?

im trying to not be a downer in my other group chats but there was a shooting at the pride event outside of stonewall this weekend. and im really disappointed and hurt for those people.

fuck ms. I've been in remission for a couple years but the permanent damage will never be fixed. I just gotta deal with this when it crops up and hope it goes away. the only things that help are sleep and weed, but i ran out of the stuff i was taking and im afraid of getting a new cart and it causing too many psychoactive problems. so i can only sleep. but sometimes the pain is too much to sleep. im so over this

good news is I haven't had an MS flare in months. bad news is I only realized that bc I'm now in the middle of a two day long flare and I'm in a lot of pain 🤪