Thalassophobia

I haven't really done anything this summer except sit in my room and read Homestuck. HOMESTUCK. In the year 2026, for the very first time, as a high school graduate. I mean, come on. This is kind of pathetic. I'm supposed to be getting my life together and I'm reading about middle schoolers love lives and actually enjoying it. I throughly read the recaps and everything.

No hate to Homestuck, I really like it, it's just like...I'm a little late to the party, right? This should have been my shit in quarantine just like every other eighteen year old gay loser. Like jesus girl maybe close the computer and go on a walk. Or get a job. Or fucking learn how to drive. Anything else.

I messed up. I was wrong. I hate myself for what I did, and I regret it every single day. They deserve to know this. They deserve to know that not a day has gone by where I haven't missed them. I was wrong to ever pretend my life could be better, or that I would find happiness elsewhere, because the truth is I didn't know how good I had it until it was gone. Making friends is so hard, and I had the best friends in the whole wide world before I fucked it up. I am sorry. I am so deeply and completely sorry for hurting you and then ignoring you. I am always going to love you, and I mean that more than I could ever possibly put into words.

And that is what makes this all so hard. I don't know how I can possibly put all of these thoughts and feelings and regrets into words. How do I address any of this? I am so scared. I'll face it, though, because we all have to be brave sometimes in our lives.

If you're reading this and you have good friends who make you happy and comfortable then please, for the love of God herself, DO NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. You will end up depressed and missing what you once had. True friends will leave more of an impact on your heart than any romantic relationship ever fucking could. Tell them you love them. Don't let anyone convince you they aren't good people. Stay true to yourself and what you know. It's scary how quickly the right person can tear you away from everything and everyone you once knew. I miss my best friends.