I want to write the letters. I want to write them because I know the people who recieve themd deserve them, and I want them to have answers. That is important to me. I am just so scared. If I write them and put all of these thoughts down on paper then they're real, they're real and I have to accept that everything that has happened over these last three years has been real. I am so fucking terrified. I know that I am a coward though, and nothing is ever going to get better if I keep pretending like nobody I ever used to talk to thinks about me anymore.
I messed up. I was wrong. I hate myself for what I did, and I regret it every single day. They deserve to know this. They deserve to know that not a day has gone by where I haven't missed them. I was wrong to ever pretend my life could be better, or that I would find happiness elsewhere, because the truth is I didn't know how good I had it until it was gone. Making friends is so hard, and I had the best friends in the whole wide world before I fucked it up. I am sorry. I am so deeply and completely sorry for hurting you and then ignoring you. I am always going to love you, and I mean that more than I could ever possibly put into words.
And that is what makes this all so hard. I don't know how I can possibly put all of these thoughts and feelings and regrets into words. How do I address any of this? I am so scared. I'll face it, though, because we all have to be brave sometimes in our lives.
If you're reading this and you have good friends who make you happy and comfortable then please, for the love of God herself, DO NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. You will end up depressed and missing what you once had. True friends will leave more of an impact on your heart than any romantic relationship ever fucking could. Tell them you love them. Don't let anyone convince you they aren't good people. Stay true to yourself and what you know. It's scary how quickly the right person can tear you away from everything and everyone you once knew. I miss my best friends.
So I will write them the graduation letters. I will pour my heart and soul into those things. I might even deliever them in person. Who knows? I'll make sure they know exactly how sorry I am and why. I need them to know that if I could change anything about my life it would be that and the way I treated them.
