SONGS AND STORIES: Song Lyrics That Made Me Think About My Life 👸🏻
Entry No. 1: Perfect by Simple Plan
Think back, and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that I'm alright
My parents are my inspirations to hustle hard. I want to give them a comfortable life. Although it's impossible for me to give back all the sacrifices and love they have showered me, in the simplest and littlest of things, I am doing my best so they will not get disappointed. I try to be as obedient as I can. Every word they utter, I take it by heart.
Life is not about rainbows and butterflies, they say. My relationship with the folks is not an exception to that. Storms have challenged the strength of the love we have for each other.
I already finished my degree but unlucky me, I don't know how to figure out how the next chapters of my life would be. I questioned everything including my past decisions. I cheered myself up. I think I just need timer. Would a total reset be good? Maybe. I don't know.
One June evening of 2018, the rain had just stopped pouring. I found my self comfortably seated on a long bench outside the house. My father then joined me. We were just silently observing the movements on the street in font of us. That is when we saw his friend's daughter coming home from her office job.
My papa then said, "Maayo pa katong anak ni *insert friend's name here*, nakatrabaho na, ikaw? Giusikan ra nimo imong gi eskwelahan"
(Translation: "How lucky *insert friend's name here* is, his daughter already has a job, how about you? You just wasted your degree" )
The silent sound of my heart crashing was the only thing I heard. It drowned all the noise around me. It's hard for me to open up about my plans. It's hard to ask if I could maybe get another degree. I wanted to pursue writing even if I still don't know if that's what I really want. I wanted to say that I want to be brave and make this uncertainty certain. I want to know if this is the happiness that I am longing. Maybe this is my ikigai*. But I wasn't able to say anything. I stayed silent. In my world where raising your point would equate to disobedience and disrespect, I let myself die inside.
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
And nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand..
That was a conversation from years ago but the memory of that random night still haunts me. It would flash in my mind whenever anxiety attacks me. It would keep me awake more than caffeine. I am not a medical professional to diagnose myself of anything but I know that there is a part of me which will always remain sad. That part would never see the light again.
"Are you proud of what I have become even if that's not how you have pictured me to be?"
I always want to ask him that question but I know my heart will never be ready for the answers. I am contented of what I have right now, anyway. Our relationship is good and I know that I am loved.
I hope to see my parents' proud and happy faces again just like what they have whenever I bring home certificates and medals back when I was in elementary and high school. I cannot give that to them now because what I bring now are life lessons. I pray that they will also realize that those intangible things weigh more than those material possessions.
I'm sorry I can't be... perfect..
Until that day comes, I will never lose hope!
* ikigai is a Japanese concept that means your 'reason for being. ' 'Iki' in Japanese means 'life,' and 'gai' describes value or worth. Your ikigai is your life purpose or your bliss. It's what brings you joy and inspires you to get out of bed every day. (https://www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-ikigai)
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