Hello

Its been quite a while since I wrote anything that is not related to my youtube channel videos. Honestly, I don’t know what to write. Im not sure if its writers block or what.

 Also I kind of have gotten out of the sanders side fandom. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the boys but I haven’t been into it like I use to. Until writing this I didn’t even know that there had been a sanders sides video released around the winter holidays. I haven’t been reading stories like I use to. Before I would spend hours upon hours between tumblr and various fiction sites reading a variety of ships.

Now I just watch videos or record and edit my own videos. I did make that account on AO3 I had talked about before, the user name is Tera-91 on there also, but I have never posted on it. Which will hopefully change this year. I just for some reason don’t want to do hardly anything.

I will come home from my job, take care of my plants and animals but then go straight to bed. If I didn’t live with anyone or any animals I feel like I would spend my days off just literally laying in bed and binge watch tv shows or youtube videos.

I feel as if I can only write in one specific spot in my house. If I try in another room I just don’t get hardly anything done which is really weird and I don’t get why.

I know we are already at/past Easter so this isn’t really like a “new years resolution” but I want to start doing more of what I want to do, writing being one of them.

Maybe Ill post more, maybe not. I haven’t decided if I wanted to post anything and everything. Or if I just want to limit it to stories. Short ones, long ones. Just anything that I write from any kind of series or original work. To filter or not filter, maybe just put warnings up if there is any profanity or I should just completely sensor the words like I have before. Which warning there will be profanity in this post shortly. I feel like I wrote just a ton of sanders sides and not much else so I don’t know if anyone who follows would be interested in stories that are not sanders sides.

Oh well. Sorry to kind of word salad my way through this post. Im hoping this will kick-start my brain into writing again. Being more active in the things that I use to like and enjoy, I still do enjoy them I just dont fell like I have the time to do them or if I have the time I just dont have the motivation. Its like I will only get the motivation when my hands are figuratively tied and I cant get to my computer or use my phone, or at least long enough to work on a draft. I am determined to do something productive with my time instead of just laying in my bed and watching youtube videos or streaming platforms.

I recently went to a Fall Out Boy concert with my sibling and Pete said something that hit me hard. I wish I recorded the whole thing so that I could play it on a loop. Im probably paraphrasing it at this point but the thing that Pete said, it rings in my ears now even weeks later, was it’s the shit you make that’s important.

I am back with yet another rant. I don’t know how to get away from these but it seems even with therapy this is just a way to clear my brain and get clarity. Or at least a semblance of it. I know I just get this way when I get overwhelmed and I have been that way for a bit as there is just so much to do.

I had a good system and I just got out of habit. Just a visual way for me to keep up with everything that is going on. I only have about 4 to 6 weeks before classes start up an my summer just has not gone according to plan. Then again there is a reason my favorite quote is from Wentworth Miller’s Captain Cold and his approach to plans. Make it, plan goes of the rails, throw the plan away and make a new plan. Of course I’m just simplifying it but yea sounds about right.

I guess all I can do is to take a step back and make a plan. Or at least make an initial plan and once it goes off the rails, Ill throw it away and come up with a new one.

So I came up with a plan. Ive started to execute the plan.

I’m just a nervous wreck. Without getting into too specific detail. I worked multiple days in a row which is not typical. It use to be but then things got all out of whack. THAT manager just got out of hand talking to my co-workers and I. I just had enough. I called in the big manager on a day THAT manager wasn’t there because I feel the only way the big manager will do anything is if we don’t come in singularly. That it’s a departmental concern. I couldn’t say how that went. The manager that is on level with THAT manager said they felt the big manager was in between a rock and a hard place that the big manager isn’t sure what could be done to address the issue. I made sure to use key words too so that way it couldn’t be swept under the rug. Yet the next day we had an inspector come, completely unrelated to the talk, to make sure we are incompliance with guidelines. We were, the best in the district in fact. I feel like that just made our conversation the day before nothing in the mind of the big manager. We did good on our inspection, I’m sure it went to the head of THAT manager too.

Ive tried to call and follow up with a job interview I had, I didn’t get a call back yet but it has only been a day or so. I applied for a few more jobs but I havnt heard back for an interview but this place takes a while. Sometimes ive had them contact me a month or so later for an interview.

Then there are the medical problems. I had a family member in the hospital, were still trying to recover from that. One pet got a new vaccine and it was AWFUL. The whole next day they couldn’t use that leg (holding it up) and was very un-characteristically growling and barely ate or moved. I had to all but force feed them. I would put the food in their mouth and they would chew and swallow it but didn’t reach for the bowl on their own. They did use the bathroom which was a relief. One other one, the one with the heart condition, is on a new medication. I just gave the first dose as I’m writing this which is why I’m writing. To burn off some concern while I’m able to watch them in my peripheral vision. I hate starting animals on new meds. I put this off for longer than I should’ve (not too long about a month but still the vet said the situation is not where they would like it so that’s why the new med). I took the third one to the vet. Found out they are immunocompromised. Nothing too serious according to the vet but just need to keep an eye on any cuts they may get to ensure they don’t get infected and just keep an eye out for any breathing situations because that’s fairly common with the condition. My other one is afraid of storms and we just had the holidays so that meant fireworks. So we have to medicate them now when we know a big storm is coming through (it’s a super low dose and it’s a med they had before so that’s comforting). With it being summer we almost have daily, if not weekly storms.

So in the last couple of weeks that all has been happening so I fell behind. Working so many days, yet not getting enough hours. Just about every shift I come home tired and unmotivated to work on things. I haven’t written any in my book. I’d have to look back to see when things were done but I had one script finished/recorded just don’t have the video edited. I have a good chunk of another script written. Just before adding on to this I finished a different script. Luckily, I had a few videos I could move around so that way so far I have not missed any dates on the schedule I made for myself. Although it doesn’t seem like posting more frequently has been working. At first it was doing well, shorts in the multiple hundreds with videos in the 30s-50s but now even the shorts are barely getting anything. Maybe because of the holiday or summer, people are less online. Which if so, good for them. Being online too much is not good for you. I try to spend a good 3-5 hours of my day offline if I’m not working. Balance. Because I know if im online too much Ill just look at the numbers way too much and wonder what am I doing wrong.

I’m not looking to be the next Mr.Beast, Jacksepticeye or any other massive youtuber. Writing videos for me is fun, I love doing the research or playing the game. This just would be one of the only ways that I could hopefully make money while I’m in school. Short of making a patreon, ko-fi or any other thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to quit my job as much as I want to unless I am literally pushed to that point and even then ill try to get another job that works with my schedule. I don’t want to rely on anyone but myself but I know I might have to. The way the individuals already in the program were talking. One has a job and they were talking about it and another one was so surprised and asked if the one with a job wanted to cry. That doesn’t sound ominous at all … Especially since I applied for a full time job. If I get that im hoping they would let me go down to part time but if not ill see how long I could last with that. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about insurance or anything.

Well time to get back to the plan. I’m off for at least 3 days somehow. So my plan is to get SO MUCH STUFF done. I must stick to the plan, I can do that for 3 days. A few weeks might be pushing it but 3 days should be doable. One script down. As many as I can type to go.

Its been almost 2 weeks and I just feel defeated.

So many things just seem to not be going my way, or at least ideally. I am overwhelmed. I have some days off due to a planned trip but honestly I don’t want to go period. I already sold and cancelled stuff, I still have the opportunity to go for a short time instead of the whole thing but I don’t even want to do that. Which sucks cuz this is the last event my sibling and I can go together on for at least a couple of years. Partially because of school and partially because they are leaving right after for probably ever to another state. Which I have mixed feelings about that as well. Mostly for selfish reasons probably.

A close family member is ill. Most likely due to a treatment they got and that doctor is just like ok well we’ll see you in 2 weeks cuz that’s my next available slot. That is even after seeing the report from the ED and hospital stay. My family member isn’t getting much better. I mean we’ve gone to the main clinic multiple times and even reached out to a couple of others but either no reply, they take forever to reply or its just like ok let’s see if the labs get better in a couple of days.

One of the fluffers is on a new medication, its only been a couple of days and I just cant tell if they are acting weird or not. Like is this medication upsetting their stomach or is it the vaccines we got because it was time for the yearly renewal.

My job situation isn’t great. Some how ive been getting by but just barely. I’ve applied to many other jobs and will have to make a decision soon. It seems like either way I’m going to have to work 2 jobs. Which is not ideal at the moment. I’m already having tight muscles. I don’t have the disposable income to do anything about it.

I hate to rely on anyone but myself. I don’t want to have to start like a gofundme or a ko-fi account to rely on others. In this economy? I feel like I would be putting anyone out that would send me anything.

This is where im going to stop this rant for now. I know this will seem like a complete 180 but its been a while. That family member had to go to the ED again and another hospital stay. This time it seems like things are being understood but its unknown when they will be released. There were some tests done that while I am not a doctor, nor did a doctor tell me. It seems that in the future near constant care will be needed.

I would rather be mentally and financially prepared to be a care giver again than be in denial. There will probably be another rant on here. Maybe another handful of rants as there are 5 months left in the year. However, I will try to make that the exception instead of every post. I will make a Ko-fi account and have it linked above at some point.

Anything that I get from that will help me fund one of many things. I am going to be publishing a handful of books that I have in the works. It may be to pay for an illustrator, it may be to pay for self-publishing. If not for that I will use it to help pay for school so that way I can get a decent job that will pay me 2-3x what I am now. I will do disability/mobility upgrades so that this family member will be able to be better mobile. If it gets to that point, it will also be used to cover expenses for care givers while I’m at work and unable to take care of them myself.

I am hoping I have several years before any of the care giving is needed but nothing is a guarantee. From my interpretation of the test, they are at a risk of 2 debilitating diseases. One of which could have quick onset should it occur. I will talk to the specialist at the next visit.

So for now I will write. Try not to lose optimism. This week has been better than last. I am tackling my list. Little by little.

Its basically mid-june. Not much has changed from the last rant … well kind of.

I’m still working at that job but I have made up my mind. I’ve been to doctors. I’m waiting on results but one doctor said that one of the things going on with me is stress related. A second thing, which I’m waiting for the results. The first one my doctor said for sure is stress as we’ve done tests to rule bad things out. The second one we’re trying to rule things out, a non-bad thing that could cause it is stress.

So when I found out I had this second thing. I doubled down on my conviction. Especially since I’ve only had these symptoms for roughly as long as when THAT manager starter. I think it started out as I was being overdosed on medication, then working a full time and part time job at the same time before this manager just became unbearable.

I’ve tried everything. I changed doctors and got my medication corrected. I changed from one full time job to another full time job. I quit my part time job because I knew it was too much but I think the drop of adrenaline from losing that second job and the lack of chaos. I think I was, and may still be, addicted to stress. Which I’m going to bring up to my therapist next session.

I felt like I was losing my mind. So I got my part time job back, but simultaneously quit my full time job even when I was offered to keep it as a part time status. I F-ed up bad. I’ve tried to get my previous full time job back, as a part time status as I’m going back to school.

Now, I just have to sit and wait which is not my strong suit. However, I feel like I will be busy enough that a week will pass like nothing. I’m waiting to hear back from an interview I’m sure I didn’t get the position. Once I hear back, if by some miracle I get it, I’m going to accept it no matter the pay. If, like I suspect, I get passed over I’m going to go back again to try to get that other job back.

Depending on what happens in this next week or so determines what I do to an extent as far as my current job. I’m going to be a bit vague cuz at this point I’m super paranoid. I’ll have made my decision before posting this so the timing is accurate as I’m writing this but I’m going to postpone posting this for about a week.

A metaphorical pin is going to get pulled and a restaurant sized can of worms will be opened. Its just a matter of when at this point. I’m not sure when the best time would be. If I should wait to hear a decision about something or just pull the thing. I think I’ll wait to see what happens the next roughly 24-36 hours. I think based on that I’ll do something sooner.

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Something happened. Not sure exactly what it was but the timing of things was very interesting. I cant go into specific details. A couple of co-workers started talking after a couple of really strange things happened. The timing of everything was weird and interesting all at the same time. We pieced together a vague timeline. Of course none of the higher ups are talking.

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It’s the weekend so nothing is going to happen until Monday, maybe even Tuesday. So all I can do now is focus on other stuff. Which I really need to do. I havnt written a single thing for my book. Despite everything, probably a bit pre-maturely, I’m feeling a bit more optimistic. Maybe because I have, at least for the time being, let go of things or at least resigned my hopes things will really change at work. I’m ahead on video work but I can’t let that get away from me so every week I try to make sure I’m two weeks ahead. Instead of writing this I really should be writing scripts or writing my book. Anyway, despite not being monetized yet, just seeing that my videos at least getting some views gives me hope that I can do it. I’m not looking to become the next big name youtuber but just something to help keep me afloat during school because I don’t know if I can physically take staying at my job and there’s no guarantee I will get any other job I have or will apply for. To do that I need to take advantage where I can.

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Well something slightly disheartening happened. I went to a thing and it will take me basically 2 to 2.5 years to reach the end of this schooling should I pursue it. If I do, I will make more than double of what I do now. Yet almost everyone I talked to basically said I should quit my job in a year. The work is so time consuming that I wouldn’t be able to work where I do now. So all I can think of to do is to go extra hard on everything else.

Tuesday is not even over with yet and its already been a day. I’m just down. I havnt heard back from that interview yet, I might not even be able to have a job in a year because this school stuff will be so time consuming. I just got a call from the vet that my dogs condition is not as stable as they would like. My mind is terrified that what happened to 2 of her siblings will happen to her. I’m doing everything I can to make sure she is ok. They will be adding another medication, this one I don’t know how expensive it will be but it is not an everyday type medication so it wont be ~$10. We’ll have to get another re-check in a few weeks to make sure it does what they want it to. On top of that she has a UTI so I havnt heard back from the other vet to see if this antibiotic shes on is doing the trick. On top of that her allergies are flaring up, her skin is so itchy and red and broken out.

I have caught a few cats to get fixed so we don’t have more of a population boom where I am. We are at a full house so I’ve been trying to find someone to adopt one of the cats. One person fell through and I havnt heard back from a rescue so I reached out to yet another person to see if they have any connections that may find this kitty a home.

At this point I am so down. Like I need to find a path to take that allows me to do stuff. If I could work from home that would be the best thing by far. I don’t know how much longer I have with my girl. She is already 5 but 2 of her siblings suddenly passed. With the medications, how long do I have with her. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for the last 2 years if not longer to only have her until shes 6, maybe 8 if I’m lucky. Most people will say shes just a dog. But shes not. Not to me. To my other dog, I think he thinks shes his mom. He already gets down when shes not in the house for just a few hours. I don’t even want to think about how he will be when shes gone. Unfortunately what she has doesn’t make it a if but a when.

Ok. Enough of that. I can’t. Not now.

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This will probably be the last rant. Maybe one more because of a final thing. But once a couple of things are done I don’t think it will be productive for me to keep doing this. I probably will do what I did before. Take whatever emotion I have been feeling and just write it into a story. Work it out through a character instead of just writing the whole thing out like this.

I thought if I wrote things like this then it would let me sort through this knot of emotions and turmoil but instead it just gets me more wound up. More frustrated seeing what I’ve been going through actually written down. It leaves me tired and with no motivation. I’ve probably said too many times to count. I need to write more. I need to finish my book. I need to edit more videos.

Which is all true. I want to get back to writing. I really enjoy it. I feel like if I finally finish my book I could make a career out of it, cuz I enjoy stories and writing. I need to write and edit more videos if I am to be monetized.

If I get those done between youtube monetization. Selling books. Maybe even getting a movie made. Any or all of that I can work from home. I can spend what time I have with my girl. I wont have to worry about how many tests she has done. How many re-checks she needs. What her medication may cost.

I cant believe its May already, halfway through May at that. I’m not sure that I posted my last rant or not.

TLDR. Many of my co-workers and I are not getting along with THAT manager. All this manager cares about is numbers and stats within the department and company. Which is all well and good, but not at the expense of literally everyone “under” that manager. Lack of communication, when there is communication it’s just to say we aren’t doing well enough usually in a tone as if speaking to children. This manager and their work partner even got into it which I was shocked because this partner is just a little teddy bear. At some point literally all of us have talked to someone above this manager about their behavior but little more than a talking to and a figurative small slap of the wrist has been done. A co-worker and I talked to the big manager, their reaction to what we had to say was disappointing to say the least. I want to give this big manager the benefit of the doubt since another big manager said our department was kind of its own little world but just the reaction we got, its like the big managers hands are tied and they just want to keep the peace.

I really like this job when Im not working with that manager I do. But the stress is pervasive. It permeates its way into my life outside of work. Thoughts run through my head of will this manager flip their lid on little things.

They don’t like when we order “extra” stuff. Sure its extra but its stuff that moves, maybe not every day but it can’t go bad. They don’t like when we order stock that we use every day. But then we run out and then we need to ask other locations if they have it and then sometimes this manager will get it but sometimes they just don’t bother and make one of us go get it. (Trust me if I go get it I make sure to do it on the clock and I get paid for my 45 minutes to an hour of travel just to pick up supplies). That gets old very fast.

Yet we are profitable so its not like ordering this extra small item or a few boxes of stock that we use in a day or two “bankrupts” us. Hell we have an abundance of overstock of an item (I’m talking 8+ boxes which is easily $100 if not $200+) of an item we use every day. Its just not standard size (it was all we could get at one point). So this manager, instead of letting us use this stock to get rid of it, just wants us to let it sit in storage while we use standard size. Its taking up room we could use for standard stock. I’m not sure we can send it back (its not a perishable item so its not like well just throw it out either).

Ugh, anyway I catch myself mentally prepping myself for arguments that rarely actually happen. I think of comebacks to questions that are never asked. Ready myself for interactions that sometimes feel like interrogations, that end up not actually occurring. Its not just when Im on my way to work or on my lunch.

I catch myself after working thinking about what happened that day, did I do the ordering, what will this manager say if they will be there when the order arrives. It doesn’t even matter if Im the one that does the ordering or not. This manager asked me about something that was ordered, I had no clue about it. I just said all I knew was it was for a customer because I packed it. I had no clue why so much was ordered, I didn’t even know who ordered or when it arrived.

I catch myself thinking about when I walk my dogs. Sometimes when I’m in the shower.

I’m planning on what I will say if X is said. What will I do if Y is done.

How long will I have to ENDURE this job to be able to reach a lifeline to be able to drop this lead cape of worry on my shoulders.

I’m putting stress on myself to make something work that’s not working. Asking myself, what can I do?

Well, the manager isn’t going to magically become better overnight. I won’t get the number of hours I need … I take that back kind of. I was told “if you change your availability, I could give you more hours”. Like no. My availability is what it is. Whoo so unavailable. I can work nearly 90% of the time needing to be covered but I cant get more hours.

Other than thinking of what happened, what was said, what might be said, what might happen I worry about what I can do. How I might be able to make what I need to make by the end of the year. Currently I have enough hours. I could always use more, just to have a safety net for when my hours are cut. That’s a worry. Its not a matter of if my hours will be cut, it’s a matter of when. If I need to buy something I think about in in how many hours I need to work for it. Will I be scheduled enough hours to do this thing. I need to make a certain amount of money by the end of the year to justify my decisions. Every pay period I check how much left do I need to reach that goal. I got a slight raise which was nice. Yet, it didn’t end the need to check. How many hours must I work the rest of the year? 400? 600? 800? How many pay periods are left? What does that average out to? How many pay periods are left before school starts? What would that average out to? If its over a certain number I’m screwed. How many hours do I need to work per pay period to make what I need to cover monthly expenses? How many hours would I need to be able to be able to save any?

Do I get a second job? A lot of the jobs around me either don’t match what I’m making now or they’re full time positions or weekday only or a combination. Sure I could do full time but not once school starts, who would hire me knowing that? If the job is less per hour then I would need to work more hours and once school starts I wont be able to balance more hours than what I have now. I definitely wouldn’t be able to balance 2 jobs and school. Even if I got a second job right now, I don’t know that I could balance the two. That manager would pitch a fit if I told them I couldn’t work whatever day if I was working for another company. They would bend over backwards to get their way. Even if I went by the book of company policy. Find someway to make the big manager to make me choose or make them render my employment conflict of interest. ….. I need to stop going down that rabbit hole. My brain just spirals on what if.

In addition to looking for a second “traditional/normal” job I try to think of things that would allow me to not have to work under this manager. What if I made items and sold them at farmers markets? I need to finish my book, maybe I can make Youtube work. The summer is practically gone, what about the fall? I’m losing time. Yet it feels like I have no time to make the items to sell. Youtube, isn’t growing fast enough to become monetized. Not in the next couple of months.

All of it is just affecting me both physically and mentally. Other than the spiraling thoughts I have trouble sleeping, sinus issues, shoulder/neck pain, migraines. Ive had at least 2 migraines with aura. I’ve never had those before. It scared the heck out of me the first time it happened at work. The eye clinic scared me even more when I knew the person on the other end of the line was thinking my retina may be detaching. When my shoulder gets really bad and inflamed, it irritates another nerve causing pain to shoot down the right side of my chest or a weird feeling to go down from my right elbow down to my pinky/ring finger on the right hand. My eyes started to do this thing and I asked my eye doctor who told me that it was caused by stress. The first time that happened scared me to the point they told me the pressure in my eye was high and I could’ve been borderline glaucoma (which luckily they said it could’ve been due to the stress and I have since had normal pressures). Everyone has hair that naturally sheds but lately it feels like more is shedding than normal. It could be because of the decrease in frequency I was my hair but I don’t know. Skin issues. Tingling in my hands and arms sometimes when I have to work with that manager. When the thought of conflict over the schedule comes up, my hands go cold and my heart starts to race. Yea it has not been a good time.

I need to leave. I know I have said that before. I know that I have quit before and gone back. I may have been delusional, convincing myself it wasn’t that bad. I had been working full time at my current job to go down to part time to work full time elsewhere. Then I quit that job and worked full time at one clinic while working part time at my current job as well. I think I was just overwhelmed, stressed out. At one point I worked 29 days in a row and the only reason it wasn’t more was because I asked for a day off to take one of my pups to a specialist appointment. Just thinking of all of this I feel tense. My mind working overtime, checking to make sure everything is ok. Unconsciously checking my vision to make sure nothing is going wacky. Am I getting an aura? What is that spot? Is it going away?

I was working 2 jobs, I quit my current job. I was only working the full time job. I felt trapped. The whole system of PTO and what not. It felt like if I needed a day off I couldn’t do it unless I had time saved up. I couldn’t stand that. I also think I was so stressed, so used to constantly go between the two that once I lost the “higher” stress job I just didn’t give myself enough time to re-regulate. I left a really good job opportunity to go back to this hell hole because it felt right. My old boss offered to let me just be part time. I said no. I made stupid decisions because I thought that my current job niche was right for me. It checked all the boxes. Helping people, part time, flexibility, a later start time. It has enough variability to not feel like a rut. Like I’m doing a copy and paste thing day in and day out. But my current job is considered a high stress job and that’s without dealing with that manager.

Just writing this. Admitting what is going on. My hands and forearms feel weak, almost shaky. My breathing went shallow. A sense of dread filled my chest and stomach. Thinking of my options. Thinking of what I lost. The guilt.

I applied for a job elsewhere. I asked my coworkers if they will be references.

What will I do if I get the job? If I don’t?

Sure if I don’t nothing will change in the near future. But what if I do? Do I work the two jobs? At least for a little while?

I don’t want to leave my co-workers in a bind. We have a member out for a while. Yet we are getting a new person in as well. But that person has to be trained. Do I leave them short handed with a newby? Do I stay and help whenever THAT manager deems me worthy of being on the schedule once they find out?

Until I get the job offer and know for certain what the pay rate might be I cant do the math to find out. Without that my brain is telling me it would be beneficial to at least try to hold on a little while. That co-worker that is out should hopefully be well enough to come back. The new person will be semi-up to speed with how things work. I might be able to take larger chunks out of what I need so that way by the time school comes around I can focus on just the probably difficult material.

But I feel like that’s a fool’s hope.

I just want to get to a point that I don’t mentally take work home with me. That I can get rid of all this stress. I feel the stress is causing me to have inflammation. Or maybe I’m allergic to something at my job. I didn’t have these symptoms until I started working the 2 jobs initially. Things have just evolved with every work situation change. By the time I finish writing this it will probably be around 2800 words. That is in less than a few hours spread over a day and a couple of hours. I use to be able to type out stories this long with this amount of ease. I want to be able to day dream again. I don’t care if it ends up being maladaptive. To be able to write just straight up fluff with ease and speed.

To finish the series I have started.

My monsters series. I loved how that was going.

My unnamed Moxiety series. I want to see how Patton recovers his memories. Even I don’t know that yet as I havnt been able to sit and “see” how the story will unfold.

My Roman series. He died right? Or is he really dead? I havnt decided. I haven’t “seen” how it will end. Yet my readers don’t even know that this at least 5 part series really even exists because I havn’t finished a single part yet I have started them all.

To finish my book. Oh my literary baby. I have literally been working on this for damn 15 years. Granted it started out one way and then slowly evolved into a whole different story entirely but then the world stood still and I felt that the premise of the book, despite having come up with it nearly 5 years prior, was too raw. Too close to what was actually making the world burn at the time. So I put it on hold yet again. I was no longer in school but I was afraid of how the story would be perceived with all the loss happening in the world at the time. I want to finish it. If nothing else but to say that I finished it. Even if it is not well taken due to the story line. I could see the scenes of the book in my head. How the characters interacted with each other.

I miss that.

I want it back.

My previous job let me do that. But I just couldn’t let myself see what I had. I was too wrapped up in my anxiety, in my fear of what I thought I was losing. Not what I had. I can see what I lost now. I can see what hell I put myself back into. I was looking at it with rose colored lenses. The “freedom” part time gave me turned out to be chains. I tried to quit a year ago. I just about damn near did it. Then things seemed to turn around and I hadn’t found another job yet by the time the 4 weeks was up before I was finally free. Things got better for about 6 months then they took a turn again. The chains just re-arranged and made themselves noticeable again.

Now I’m applying to every job I can find that I think I can do and give me what I need. I even went back and talked to my previous employer. Hinting that I could come back if they want me back. I think that bridge is burned though. That supervisor said that they still had my information but I am not good at reading people to know if they were considering taking me back. I havnt heard anything and its been 3 weeks.

Bah. I have to mentally tell myself to keep moving forward. Tackle the tasks as they come. I’ll figure it out. I’m just somewhat impatient. Frustrated. Overwhelmed.

I need to take a step back. Find things that help my brain settle. My therapist suggested exercise but theres only so much of that I can do. I cant afford to get a gym membership and I hate being alone. I will just end up sitting down instead of exercising. Well I guess this is enough of a rant. I could go in circles all day long. I have a few tasks I need to do so I think I will take care of those. Or at least what I can of them. Hopefully the next time I post it will either be the last rant or I will have finally gotten back into something. One of my series or maybe even my book.

I thought I had stuff figured out. I thought I was going to have a good work life balance. I’m working more which is nice. Well in theory it sounds nice. I made a plan on how to spend my time off.

That didn’t pan out. I had a disagreement with someone and lost all motivation. I hate when this happens. I literally just want to take a nap.

Well I guess I did the next best thing I binged watched a show for a while. Now I just have to figure out how I’m going to get the 3 things that I want to get done finished before the both literal and figurative due date for them.

Actually I know how it could be solved. The problem is that I don’t have the income to do what needs to be done. Yet I cant seem to get to buckle down and get anything done that would allow me to make the income needed.

I thought things had been worked out but it seems like they havnt. That manager in the 11th hour changed the schedule leaving me with less hours. I’m not getting what I need there. I don’t want to quit because I genuinely like what I do. But this uncertainty of hours and knowing that I’m not on tract o make what I need is seriously stressing me out.

The stress is affecting me physically and mentally. Nothing else that I’m trying is making money yet. And the thought of getting a second job scares me. I’m limited to what I can apply for due to the nature of my job, school and I know from past experience that working more than a certain amount of time between two jobs is unsustainable. Plus Im afraid that if I take a second job and I would have to tell that manager so they don’t overlap my schedules (which Im sure they would just to spite me and make me choose) then they would retaliate by reducing my hours. I mean this person is so spiteful and literally changes the schedule on a whim. Just this past cycle they changed the schedule 2 days before it was supposed to start. THEN they changed the schedule DURING the schedule period. I mean I had one shift and then it was gone. Its like one has to check the calendar daily just to see if they are working the next day.

Well I am not good at keeping up with things it seems.

Quick recap of the year. January seemed to be ok.

February went ok too. I had two interviews that went nowhere. Actually, one scared me so even if they had offered I would’ve said no. I applied for another job but the place is so new they’re still building so nothing will happen for at least another few months but by that time Im not so sure about it.

 March. Ha. March well, we had a person quit. Which is good in a couple of ways, this person was not reliable. Also they made disparaging comments, insinuating we did not do our jobs correctly and such. So as a result we are short handed again. I have more hours. Yay. Part of it is good cuz hopefully I can get back on my feet financially which will probably take another month. It has also sort of tanked my work life balance. I’m finding it a bit difficult to keep up with everything else.

There was a period that I was behind on my school stuff. Not terribly so since I did my best to work about a month ahead of schedule. I think Ive had one late assignment and that was only because it was due during the week and I decided to take the late penalty so that way I could be sure to do a good job at it. Im not sure what I would’ve turned in if I had done it on time cuz im not sure if I would’ve missed any components but I got a 100 minus the late penalty which was nice.

As for my videos go. Well, Im getting back on my feet with that as well. Somehow even with the time off from when I wasn’t getting hardly any hours I wasn’t posting much. Now however, I have probably around 20 videos waiting to be released which I actually have a schedule for. I really need to spend a day to get a handful of edited and uploaded. Theyre short so it shouldn’t take me long so it seems like my channel is roughly 50-50 videos and shorts. Maybe not quite 50-50 but I’m doing my best not to let it become too short heavy.

Wow Im writing less and less it seems as its already April. Time seems to be on fast forward. Or maybe its just too much for my brain to process. Work is work. Im working more which is great but it also feels like im trying to keep my head above water but im not doing well at it. Yet Im still trying to find another job cuz I know that we still have THAT manager and my hours could drop like a stone in the blink of an eye.

Maybe its just my work life balance is off. Also things have gotten a bit upside down. Family drama is drama-ing. It cant decide if it wants to stay an open flame, to spark another fire, or to settle down.

Honestly I feel like I am getting close to my breaking point … again.

The stress of everything is just, I feel like its affecting my health. Both mentally and physically.

The last 2 weeks have been a rollercoaster. One that just pisses me off. So the manager had me at almost full time hours. I didn’t complain. At least not until I was scheduled outside of the availability that I have had for over a year. I told that manager over and over again but they still insisted on scheduling me outside that availability.

It wasn’t my finest hour but during one of the shifts I told them I had to leave because of my availability. I couldn’t stay the whole shift. They told me to leave so I did.

This manager proceeded to make the next schedule. Not only did they schedule me outside of my availability they also scheduled me for just 2 days that the hours equaled just a days work. I spoke to a coworker to try to trade so next thing I know the schedule is changed. This was nice because I was now in my availability but still under what use to be one days hours. I thought if I leave it alone it will get better.

IT DID NOT GET BETTER.

The next schedule came out. This @(&*%&* has me scheduled for half of one singular day for the whole schedule. FOR THE WHOLE BLOODY SCHEDULE. That’s under $100 what am I supposed to do with that until the next paycheck. That’s assuming that I get more hours in the meantime.

Ive already put in probably 50+ applications. Many of those I haven’t heard back from. I haven’t counted but if I had to guess a number Ive probably gotten 10-15 definite “no”. I think Ive gotten a handful of interviews. Before this new schedule came out I was definitely considering giving up applying for other jobs and even considering canceling the interviews or say no if I got an offer. Although even then I would be out of my mind because one of the jobs is basically the same job but with more pay. Now though, nah if I’m offered the job I am definitely taking it. I might not quit this job I have right away but I’m also stubborn. Im not going to let this jerk win by having me rage quit like I did before.

___________________

Ive let a few days pass since the last time I wrote.

Its been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

Like Im still pissed cuz I feel that manager is punishing me, which ive said something to the other managers in hopes for them to say something cuz I really don’t like confrontation, and this manager is one of those people that just turns what you say back to you. Like in the conversation you say one thing and then you go to say something else and they throw the first thing back at you.

Bad Example: “I ate a red M&M for breakfast.” But then later you say “I ate a green M&M” you mean as a snack or lunch something that happened later and they say “But you just said that you ate a red one”

Ive just taken a step back and looked around me. I am comfortable with the reduction of hours. Ive given the manager the benefit of a doubt or how ever that saying is suppose to be written. Its basically finals. Maybe they looked it up and realized this and gave me less hours. If that’s the case then at least let me know or a co-worker know so they could tell me.

________________________

Final week is over thankfully. I passed my classes!

The work situation is still a situation. I cant tell if my assumptions are right thought as the next schedule isn’t out yet. This is just frustrating. Another reason to take a different job. Two of the ones that I interviewed with said they do their schedule a whole month in advance! Its sad that to me that is a plus. As I write this, I only know what my schedule is for the next 3 days. After that I have no clue. Either I don’t work for the next schedule which is like WTF or the manager hasn’t posted it (sadly possible with this manager) which is also like WTF how can anyone plan their holidays with that because the next schedule covers the winter holidays and new year’s.

Now I cant even properly enjoy my time away because I keep looking to see if the next schedule has posted. I need to get my head in the game and get as much stuff as physically possible in however many days. There is just a lot to get done. I have an end of the video boom going on my channel (which I put on myself but Ive lost the momentum it feels like). Plus I need to hurry up and get ahead for next year so that way should I get more hours or a new job with more hours I wont have to worry about videos. I really don’t want to get back to the point where a new video doesn’t go live for 2 or even 3 weeks. I feel like that’s where I lost most of my engagement. I want to grow my channel in both content and size.

I need to finish my book. Ive been working on it off and on for over 10 years. Part of me just wants to get it done. Another part of me feel like it is the key. Like when I get it done that will provide me the ability to do just about everything that I want to.

As odd as it sounds I want to start making candles but currently I don’t have a space for that so I need to figure out how to do that. Well I have a space but I need to make it so that I can make the candles in. I read that the space needs to be well ventilated and right now the only place I can do that is … a bit open to the elements so I need to fix that to make it useable.

I logically know all of that but my brain. Its just fixated on this schedule thing. I think partly because I’m afraid of missing when its updated. Which doesn’t make since because I have to go to work before the next schedule starts so even if I missed it updated I would have something to tell me when I go back.

My thoughts are truly all over the place. I almost had another migraine yesterday. Of course it started happening at work. Its all the stress I know it is, I was trying to see if I could switch out of the late shift that manager put me on. I cant do that shift but no matter what I do at least once a month that manager tries to pull that mess. Hopefully we get another person on the team. Not that should really matter cuz this manager has plenty of people to take care of the closing shifts without putting me on one.

I’m applying to all the jobs that I can. At this point I almost don’t care if I take a pay cut. Just something that has a little more flexibility. Something that doesn’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells. A thing happened last week and it got back to this manager. They acted like they knew everything about it but clearly knew nothing. They threatened to write me up about it. Only 3 people were there that day. I know 1 person didn’t say anything so it was one of the other 2. Now I don’t know who I can talk to and who I cant of those 2. The other 3 people I work with Im sure I can talk to and it would be fine but now I don’t want to say anything around the others.

That and im just trying to keep my head above water. So much is happening at the moment. School is finishing up so I just need to finish maybe 8-10 assignments/tests. A lot of appointments, at least a handful before the end of the year between the various occupants I live with. I have to keep up with it all. Its like a juggling act that requires at least 2 people but you’re all by yourself. Ive been told I need to delegate the things. But when I do, nothing gets done.

Hopefully December will be better.

Until then though I have at least 1 short day and 2 days off in the near future. Im planning to knock at least half of the school work stuff down and get back to my youtube channel. I have a back log of stuff to catch up on. Plus I need to write more shorter content. Ive slacked on that quite a bit. If I can get at least 10 – 20 short videos worth written in the next 4 days that would be great that way I can just batch record a bunch of stuff. I thought about doing some research for that this morning but instead I wanted to write this. Mostly because I feel like I haven’t written one of these in a while even though I know I wrote at least one in the last week maybe 2 now. I didn’t have to do any research. I could just write something.

I cant believe I went all spooky season without posting.

Well I wrote something and left my computer for a few hours and I don’t know what happened but all that I wrote that morning was just gone.

No, like a silly person I did not save before I left but there was another word doc I had open too that I hadn’t saved but that one was recovered …

Anyway it wasn’t too informative other than I was nervous about what might happened when my manager came back from leave. Honestly it was almost too accurate…

I walked in and my hands almost immediately started to shake with barely a good morning. It took less than an hour for this manager to get grumpy about something that was going on I don’t remember what it was. I could tell the schedule was going to be an issue since this manager kept checking out the next schedule the other manager put out throughout the day. To my *not* shock this manager asked why I wasn’t scheduled outside my availability as far as working in the evening. Not that this manager cared that I was scheduled EVERY day I usually have off or that I had two days off that I typically work due to a thing my sibling and I are going to. Oh no that was not a concern but the fact that I was not scheduled to work the late shift.

The whole time this manager has been gone Ive been putting in job applications either to get a second job or to just have a back up plan if I reach my breaking point again.

Part of me has considered to just quit … again. Once I get into the program I want to at school if the last years schedule is going to be similar to this new year coming up I would be in class the majority of the day 3 days a week. I already work, typically 4 days a week.

The way the schedule currently is, I’m not completely sure how to write it out. So I would have class on at least 2 days I’m typically off of work. I usually work on a day I would have to have class and there’s no switching that class day around so the only way for me to keep the number of hours is for me to work on the third day I typically have off or for me to work a few hours on probably at least 2 of the days that I have class without going beyond the time of day I can work.

Basically I just wouldn’t have a day off between the two at all or if I worked on a day or two I would have class I might have one day a week free. That’s like 50 hours a week just in work and class not including any kind of homework. I think its recommended you spend 2 or 3 hours per credit hour between homework and studying. That’s another like 18 to 30 hours. So that inflates my week to nearly 70 or 80 hours. I know some people do that routinely but still.

I have a difficult enough time just making sure I get assignments in on time and making time to study since I work the day before exams as it is.

I know that is a while away so I don’t think too much about it other than I need to find something else before that happens. Hell with the way the manager made me feel on day 1 of us working together after their return Im like I need to put a heavy foot on the grind to get my side projects done. Just need to get something to the point that I would feel comfortable to not work. The second day wasn’t much better. Getting all huffy and puffy because I am not an octopus and cant do 3 things at the same time. Without going into too much detail I was working on an immediate two part issue that would take less than 2 minutes to resolve since at the time I was already half way done when this manager said no that I was to do something else now. This thing *couldn’t* wait even though there was not an immediate issue with it other than I guess this manager was afraid they were going to inadvertently throw it out since they were going around the place throwing stuff out. I swear this individual asks questions with little to no context but doesn’t give me enough time to even register what they are referring to. That or they want something done and I just got to the point of absolutely not. I mean I think I was asked to do two or three things last shift that the manager ended up asking my coworker to do since I still doing what was previously asked on me. I’m not slow at my job but also when we have so many interruptions and tasks randomly asked of us not immediate to what we are doing. I almost said to just write me a list of the items you want me to complete in the next idk how long was left in the shift but I would get them all done.

Anyway, due to this manager’s task allocations (which in my opinion they give themselves too much busy work or whatever that makes things harder for them that they give out tasks they could more aptly complete) the next shift is more than likely going to start “behind the ball.” Which means I’m going to have to clean it up on my next shift.

This manager is back and with less than a handful of shifts working with this individual I’m back to being a jittery mess. I don’t want to go to work knowing they will be there. I’m practically holding my breath every time they speak. Watching every word I say, I try to joke to make light of the stressful environment, but it just gets thrown back at me. Or waiting to see if im going to be on the end of a conversation that feels like an interrogation. Wondering if they will go off about something. Say something that makes me feel dumb (I’m a bit dyslexic especially with numbers and I haven’t been diagnosed officially but my sibling says I have adhd so I do know I make little mistakes here and there but not anything that someone else doesn’t sometimes do as well). FFS Im up at 4am writing this because I cant sleep and ive been up for over an hour, maybe 2 at this point already. It’s fine since I have the day off as im writing this but still. How many more nights will I sleep maybe 4 or 5 hours before waking up unable to fall back asleep.

I am a ball of nerves.

Im terrified of having another migraine, just the amount of stress im currently under.

The manager decided to be whatever the correct word is and scheduled me outside of my availability.

More than once.

I refuse to do it.

Additionally, this manager scheduled me on days that I specifically asked off. Normally I would probably shake it off. Rearrange whatever, as that is what I have been doing. This time I can’t do that.

It is not mine to rearrange.

It has already been rearranged once. Plus its medical and that is difficult to rearrange especially when it is less than a month away.

No matter what happens today or tomorrow it has to get fixed. Either by this manager or I am going to the manager above this one. The schedule is basically what I “quit” over before. Like I understand the staffing issue. Ive said to this manager before if I am needed outside of my availability, ask so that I can make arrangements.

“I don’t have time to ask everyone can they work this day or that day”

Im not asking to be asked about every shift. All I asked was for outside my availability. I have worked outside of it before. That has generally been because something came up and I couldn’t work what I had been scheduled so I could only switch shifts with someone that had a scheduled shift outside of my availability but I did it instead of calling out and leaving them a person down.

I don’t know why I do it because other people don’t.

Ive already started to apply for other jobs. I like my job I really do. Just not the manager. If I could get my old manager back that would be great.

School is ok. Im WAY ahead in one class because the instructor has the class open that way and its online. The other one im struggling a little bit. Mostly because I don’t have really good time management skills. One assignment I completely forgot to do. Mostly because I had my days mixed up. I knew the assignment was due on the day it was due but I thought I was in a different day. So I went to bed thinking I could do it in the morning since I didn’t have work.

I was wrong.

Then I was too terrified to bring it up to the instructor that I thought I was living a Tuesday when in reality I was living a Wednesday. I think its ok though. I know the lowest grade gets dropped and right now I think my current grade is including the zero for that assignment and Im still passing the course.

But still im stressed about missing something else. We have the mid-term coming up and I need to start studying for that. And try not to forget about the homework.

Then there is my youtube channel. Its like I killed my channel. I know I slowed down posting because I didn’t have my videos edited so I spaced out what I had done so that I could finish up what I had to edit which was taking me a little longer than usual.

I introduced shorts and that seemed to go ok. Like the first 3 or 4 went fine. I made sure to not just only release shorts and to kind of alternate my longer videos with the shorts. But then like 3 weeks ago or so I went from a good number of views (nothing crazy like in the hundreds which was great) to just nothing. I thought maybe I didn’t put tags or something, which one short I accidently didn’t put tags on, but everything had tags.

I released at least one of both, a short and a longer video, so its not like youtube just wasn’t showing one and promoting the other. I don’t know what happened.

But now that I actually had more than a day off in a row I was able to edit more videos. Not a ton but a decent amount. Enough that I don’t particularly have to worry about not having anything to post until after my mid-term. So I have the mental relief of knowing I can use my time to focus on it.

I know that sounds weird. Prioritizing my youtube video “bank” over a mid-term. The material is stuff I have gone over a lot of times whether it be through work or school already that I have a decent understanding that I don’t feel like my “academic life” depends on studying day in and day out for it. But also, I was doing so well that I was really hoping that I could build up my channel enough to get monetized. Not like to do youtube full time or anything, I don’t think I could make a “living” off of it but I was hoping for just enough that I could at least quit my job without any immediate worries. These classes will hopefully lead to a decent paying job but that is still a minimum of 2 years away. And that’s assuming I get into the program.

I don’t know that I could handle this manager for another 2 years.

Also I would like to get my ability to write back. I mean stories, I get that Im writing right now. Its just that I get an idea in the middle of working and I cant write it and then when I can I either don’t remember or I don’t have that spark to write. Like right now its kind of like therapy just to spill my frustrations all over the keyboard.

I want to read and write stories so bad but I almost don’t feel like I have time for them. Or at least I cant find the stories that I want to ready very easily.

Its like no one posts to fanfiction.net anymore, I really like how the site has its search system. Like if you’re searching for a specific pairing. I cant really easily find what I want to read on Ao3. Most of the specific thing I want to read I’ve found on Tumblr but you cant really find it, its just a endless scroll.

I was once told, Im paraphrasing, like to give creativity you have to refill your creative well. So for me that is binging movies and tv shows and reading. Which takes up time. Ive found myself staying up to the early morning hours, where I get maybe 6 hours of sleep just trying to find something good and fluffy with the characters of my current fixation.

In the short term so far I’m fine but I know in the long run that could not be great. Im sure especially for stress and anxiety.

While I know some of it isn’t something that I need to stress over, I just do. A lot of it comes from future looking like making sure there are no conflicts coming up between the schedules in the home. Hopefully I can sort that out in therapy.

That’s part of why Im trying so hard to get my youtube monetized or at least figure out something that I can do that is a little more flexible or on my own time. Because if I didn’t have to keep struggling with the manager scheduling me out of my availability or on days that I ask off. I know that sounds bad but I only ask for days off for a reason. Mostly for when there are appointments, either my own or that I have to handle in some capacity. There have been a few times where I ask off because of a mentally beneficial event happening that I would like to attend but I don’t just ask off because I think oh this would be a lovely day to have off.

Though now I probably should.

Just go in the system and ask for a bunch of random days off. Like oh this date sounds like a wonderful day to have nothing to do.

See how many days in a row I can get away with asking off.

I have a lot to do in the next 3 months.

I should make a list. It might be a scroll but I should just make a long list of everything that needs to get done. Number them and pull up a random number generator and roll it a time or two and just do it.

Maybe if I did that anyway it would unlock something in my brain.

Take away some of the stressors that I have.

It probably wouldn’t stop me from writing these rants but maybe it would help me get back to writing stories.

I miss writing fluffy things.

I miss losing myself in the writing and just breezing through 1000 words, I did a quick check of my master list and of the ones that I posted the word count next to my longest story is nearly 4000 words long! That story just flowed, it played out in my head as I wrote it. I didn’t stop the whole time I wrote it.

I want that back.

I tried to stick to writing and posting. It didnt really work well ... I felt like all I was doing was complaining. So this is basically me going on a rambling complaint rant over the past 3 weeks to a month.

Well classes have started. I ended up changing my class day due to issues with work. Part of me cant believe I did that just to make it easier for the manager that is really getting on my nerves.

Then again I just took the easy way out. It really isn’t worth the headache. I’m having some issues so I want to get rid of any stressors that I possibly can. I’m trying to be good and getting any course work I can done early. That way I don’t end up for whatever reason working the close shift and come home to freak out that I have an assignment due in very few hours with not enough energy or will power to do it. This is hard for me to do as I am an extreme procrastinator. Barely a week into classes and I almost missed a due date because I nearly over looked it in my planner. Then while I was doing it I kept stopping to work on something else that was bugging me.

Ive come to the conclusion that I need to get better at time management. Not sure how im going to do that though.

Well it didn’t take long for me to fall behind. I think part of it is because I don’t like the way the course is laid out. Its silly how things are locked until something else is done. Oh well, I have a few days off in a row coming up so I will just get back on track then.

I just have soo much to do. The things that I absolutely need to do are such a slog to get through. There are some things that I need to do but I know that I need to tackle other things more urgently, these are a breeze to get through. I almost want to just hurry up and knock them out so that way those don’t become a slog at a later time.

I know its just September but Im half freaking out about October. I have quite a bit of things that I want to have done for October to post and I have literally none of it done. Its like im a walking contradiction, there are days where I feel like I get so much stuff done. I literally get so much stuff done, like I write it down because I feel like if I can see what I actually get done it helps me feel/see I really do get stuff done and its not like I just sit and do nothing all day.

But then I sit down and think about all the stuff that I want to get done. I write a list of all the things I want to get done and it legit looks like a scroll from a cartoon where they open it and it rolls out of the room. Its hard to feel like I get anything done with a list like that, which just keeps growing as I get ideas nearly every day or I see something that needs to be done.

I made a list of all the stuff that I know needs to be done. I don’t know if that really helped. Or just made things more overwhelming.

My sibling said something to the affect of make a comparison and do the thing that is quicker and/or is the most rewarding. So I kind of started doing that. When I don’t have to immediately do something I pick two things. Then I write down 3 things about it, like the amount of time that I think ( which Im a very bad judge of time so its mostly me writing down which one will take the most/least amount of time.), which one will be the most rewarding, and which one would take the most steps to do.

Additionally, I try to write down 6 or less items that I absolutely have to do that day. Anything else that I get done would be great.

This is going to sound weird and I don’t know if it will make any sense. I feel like im a ball of yarn but several different strings are being pulled to try to unravel it.

I need a job but when I work with specific people I get pissed off.

I don’t want to be there.

One stays at one station all day long. It happens to be where I want to be. I don’t really have to deal with people there. Not just that I cant trust that something will get done as quickly as it needs to be done and then I have to deal with people that more than likely wont be happy that it’s not done.

Then the other person I don’t want to work with tells those people a lie. Mostly undermining me when I tell them the truth about how much time it will take.

Yesterday at work I felt like I was being interrogated. Kept asking me specific questions about something not work related. Like they were trying to catch me in something. Not necessarily a lie, but like fishing to see if I would say the wrong answer to get my in trouble somehow.

I also took up extra shifts and I didn’t think it was this persons business so I didn’t say anything. But someone said something. So they knew. Asked be about it later.

I feel like this is what happened with the interrogating questions. I said something to I know 2 others I work with. Someone must have said something. It makes me not want to talk at work. But I also feel awkward when there’s no conversation.

Its affecting me and I know it. It affects the way I speak to people while I’m there. But part of me doesn’t exactly care as bad as that sounds. And sometimes it affects me at home too.

I get frustrated that I cant get what I WANT done. I know there are things that NEED to get done. But sometimes I disagree with the order these things are to be done. Sometimes too if it’s a large project I just want to do some of this and some of that.

I also am behind on A LOT of things. September snuck up on me. Now September is almost over. October will be here like nothing.

I don’t have any videos ready to post. I don’t have any of my stories ready to post. I havnt spent any time on my book that I want ready in just over 6 months. I havnt gotten any of the home projects done, or even started for that matter.

All I have is a BUNCH of audio I have to scrub. Once ive scrubbed it then I have to match it to the recording. I have to scrub that to make sure the audio is in sync with the video. Then im able to upload it. I have HOURS probably at least 20 hours of audio to scrub. And that is just the original videos not including the smaller videos I make out of all that. I have probably a good 40 videos that can be made. Not to mention the amount that I have left to record. One set I think I may have 5 hours left to record. I could be wrong it could be more. Then the other set I have a good 8 to 10 hours minimum left to record. But I cant get all of that done until I get a SSD or something to transfer what ive completed so far to make room.

That is just 2 projects I have going. I want to do something else too but that takes time to research, write, edit, record, edit more, etc.

I know I haven’t written much in a while. A lot of things are going on.

Against my better judgment, and Im not even sure how it happened I still have my job. I put my two weeks in and didn’t work in my department for like 5 weeks but some how got back in.

The “full house” the manager said was there was shockingly a lie. Or at least not in the way it was stated to be for me not to be able to return. As you can probably tell, it wasn’t really a shock at all. I don’t believe 99% of what is said.

I am having schedule problems again. I should’ve seen it coming. I asked for time off, didn’t get it but I have tickets to be out of town so if I have to call out that is what Ill have to do. Its been in the system for nearly 2 months. Its not like it was a last minute ask. I know time off is not a guarantee when its put in but idk who would wait to buy tickets. I mean even today its still “pending” in the system while the schedule for those dates has been made.

Then to better myself Im going back to school. It looks like I will have to pay for it myself unless I can get a scholarship next year. But for now its all on me. So having a job is good right now. The first semester is like $600. So far for the first 2 weeks that class will be in session I am scheduled to work the one solitary day of the week that I have class, during the time frame Im in class.

I plan to bring it up to the manager. I was going to bring it up the last time we worked together. I didn’t get a chance to because all the stress triggered a medical thing in a way that I had NEVER experienced before. It sent me into a panic attack. I ended up leaving work and had to be driven to the doctors office by a family member.

The manager checked on me the next day but Im not sure as it was in a text if it was genuine or if the manager was just fishing to see if I was going to be calling out for my next shift.

Since it occurred on a Friday the specialist doctor was already closed so I have no clue when I will be able to see them. My friends have been amazing. All of them have experienced what happened before and without going into too much detail said it sounded exactly like what the doctor said it was. That its usually caused by stress.

So I took some time to reflect on it. I think I found my stress points. Unfortunately, they’re points I’ve known about for a while.

I took the next day to mostly relax. Started to catch up on a tv series with a family member. I recorded some stuff for my youtube channel.

That’s a definite stressor for me. I had a good chunk of stuff saved up but I used almost all of it. I didn’t have the opportunity to record more to keep the amount of videos saved up the same. I was on a good release pace. Having a video out every 2 to 5 days. I have probably a good 5 to 7 hours of stuff recorded but I haven’t sat down to edit any of it.

Logically in my brain I know I should probably do that today. To get a good bank of videos. I could easily get, if my memory of what I recorded is right, 10 to 15 videos and around 5 more shorts. I just don’t know if I have the mental capacity to edit today.

More than likely I will record another 2 hours at least maybe up to 5 more hours of video before I would have to stop for the day.

For now, I am taking the time to type. My book is another stressor for me.

One bit of advice I got, probably a year or 2 ago now was that I needed to step away from it. To bury my book, to focus on other things before coming back to it. To write a million words between putting it down and reviving it from the great beyond.

Two weeks ago, however, I got to talk to two authors. One had worked on their book for over 10 years before it was ready to be published. How we are kind of similar in that jobs took up the bulk of the time. So I want to dive back into my book. Their advice was momentum. Start something and see where the momentum takes you. Then go back and fix things. A book doesn’t have to be written as it is read. Its ok to write chapter 10 before chapter 2. Write what you’re inspiration is for at the time. You might have to slog the in-between sections but don’t slog and weaken or extinguish the inspiration before you get to where the inspiration is for.

But also take care of yourself. To refill your creativity need. Its ok if you spend hours, days, even weeks doing something mindless, something “unproductive” that need needs to be fulfilled before you have any creativity to give.

For me oddly enough is shows. So Ive spent several nights up until 11 or 12 watching at least 3 episodes of a show. I watched probably 10 episodes of another show yesterday alone. The first show Im not sure how many episodes I have left of that but the second one I have about 8 remaining in the season im in and then another 8 in the next season.

But momentum is my objective. If it wasn’t very obvious I am doing very little editing for this. It is basically a stream of consciousness write. Im going to finish this up, post it and then I will either finish the episode of the show im watching or I will go record some more. It depends on what the family member wants to do that I am watching it with. They have errands to attend to so if they opt to do that today and not push it off we will probably finish this episode, maybe watch one more before I go to record.

I might get to editing today. I need to kick things up some. Im not close to being monetized on my youtube channel. Im climbing but not quite there yet. One needs 2 out of 3 things to get monetized. Im at ~5% on one ~1.5% on another and the last one well im not even at 1% probably not even at 0.1% .

If I can get up the nerve I will text the manager today too. Try to get the schedule taken care of.

I would like to stay at my job despite its dysfunctionality. I need money to take care of some of my stressors.

I don’t know when the last time I posted was. I do know that I had started writing another one of these. Yet that is irrelevant now.

I just need to start writing again.

I had such a good time on holiday with my sibling but we both get overwhelmed so easily in different ways.

My thing comes from future thinking. I know that is unavoidable. One cant live without some future thinking. The near future for me is just so packed. I need to just get through it. Let it wash over me like a wave.

I also need to find myself an anchor. Something to ground me. I have so many thoughts and ideas of what I want to do. So much that I want to accomplish.

Part of me feels like I know how to achieve it. But another part of me is like I never stick to anything so how is it even a possibility.

I’m hoping to use this as my momentum.

My writing doesn’t have to be long. 100, 200 words. It’s a start.

It might not be every day. Might not be every other day. As long as I start and keep up the momentum.

Vision was an interesting thing.

Colors changed depending on the amount of light available.

One could make a wall many shades with different types of lighting.

There was just enough light for his honey brown eyes to be able to tell the room was painted blue. Virgil smirked into the pillow. He hadn’t paid that much attention when they entered the room last night. The color blue suited Patton well.

Light trickled in from between the curtains. Virgil’s gaze shifted from left to right. He was sure each color would have its own name but the gradient intrigued him. On the far edges the room was still rather dark but getting lighter towards the middle.

Virgil took a deep breath of the vanilla scented pillow before he rolled onto his back. With a stretch he ran his right hand up his face and into his hair.

How long had he been asleep? He wondered as he stared at the ceiling. A string of fairy lights softly illuminating it.

It must have been a while for it to already be daylight. Or at the very least more than the few hours at time he was accustomed to.

Not wanting to give it much more thought, Virgil’s eyes mindlessly inspected the lights. They had been set up with much care. The cord was attached to the ceiling every so often to allow the butterflies adorning the lights to drape down. It almost looked like there was a kaleidoscope painting the ceiling. It was very soothing.

Suddenly, a hand appeared and grabbed Virgil’s shirt.

He flinched hard as he used all of his will power not to scream, not to jump out of the bed and run.

Virgil’s heart, which felt ready to run out his chest, gradually slowed down as warmth seeped into his side.

A shiver ran down his back. Had he really been cold and hadn’t realized it until now?

Wavy hair tickled the underside of his chin. He was certain if Patton wasn’t asleep, the shorter one would be red from head to toe.

A satisfied smile made its way across Virgil’s face as he lowered his left hand and pulled Patton closer to him.

Im not sure when Ill post this.

July 2nd is when 2024 will be half way over. Even though as I start to write this post it is only June 1st. It feels like Ive spent half of the year already. Like Ive wasted half of the year.

Or rather I cant shake off the last half. When 2024 began I felt like it was Spring oddly enough. Like a new beginning. The first quarter went by and I kept doing the same thing over and over again. Then April hit and I decided to turn my world as I knew it upside down.

Wow that sounds dramatic.

Not really.

Just that I needed to make a change.

My first thought was to go back to school. To do something that I could make what I was in a week in a day. In reality it would probably take me a couple of days. Which wouldn’t be bad. I would more than double my income. The only problem would be that it will take me about 3 and a half years to get there.

That is quite a while to stay at a job that, deep down, I wasn’t happy. I get that it cant be great all the time. But everyday. I would go into work, either pissed off that I was there. That I felt like I was wasting my time. And if I wasn’t mad, or frustrated. I certainly was watching the clock and ready to walk out of the door.

The manager that was directly my boss I guess, was a inconsiderate jackass. But the other one I feel so much respect for. This manager wants to see if things can be talked out with the other manager. But even if that’s the case I feel like that one is such a vindictive tyrant. I don’t want to work for them. I just don’t know how to tell the other manager. Theres nothing else I can do. Nothing else I want to do.

I feel like I need to make a change.

But I have no one to talk it out with.

My friends say that I should take a break. My family is just wishy washy. I should do what I want. I wish I could talk to my dad. I feel like he could understand my brain better. The only other person that gets it is my sibling. Although we got different versions of neuro-spiciness. My sibling has quite a different choice of words for that manager though… I would rather not repeat.

Im not sure how many times Ill tell myself that I need to take a break. To make a change before I actually believe it. Or rather before I actually do something about it.

_____

Im not sure how many days its been since I wrote any of the previous stuff. Ive been doing a bunch of little things.

I feel like Im less stressed, I looked in the mirror the other day and realized, my shoulders were more relaxed.

Ive gotten a few things done. I got at least 3 videos made. I edited audio on another to come out hopefully soon. Ive written a little more.

Im exploring more.

Once I finish writing this Im going to tackle some things again. Try to get more done in my Roman story series. I hadn’t planned on making it a series but I ended up starting 4 stories with Roman for some reason, I don’t feel like I connect a whole lot with his character in comparison to Virgil. Then one day I was out with my pups and a thread appeared in my head. Connecting these 4 stories but I will have to make an additional one to make a 5 story series.

If youre interested in that, hopefully I wont make you wait too long for it. Im just struggling slightly as when I started the first one it was going to end differently so Ive been trying to add and shift things as I go.

I think I have a little bit of a block going, not necessarily in coming up with the story but to actually sit and write it. My brain is struggling to figure out which to tackle first.

Do I write? I have a bunch of different things that I need to write.

Do I record? I’m having a bit of an issue with my voice at the moment but I can at least prepare things to record.

Then there is the issue of income. I know logically at the moment I am lucky enough to have the option to step away from my source of income due to issues. But it is going to be a problem, I just don’t know how soon now. I have a medical thing going on that I will need to spend a not so small amount of money on which was not an issue prior to when I decided to take this path.

So I do think of that. Once that is hopefully taken care of in the real short future I will be able to tackle two things that I have a potential to get income in. Do I set up a patreon? It would be something to potentially help right now. I have applied for several jobs and have had at least 1 interview so far.

Part of me feels silly for thinking this. I mean I did decide to do a thing and this is the consequence of taking that action. But at the same time, I don’t regret making that decision.

Ill try to write the Roman stories but if that doesn’t seem to work I think I will try to get a little editing done.

_____

Right so a few days later and I’m still in job limbo apparently. Certain things happened in recent days. Didn’t get any of the Roman stories done yet.

Going to work on that and everything else that I need to work on.

I just need to do stuff as I have time. It doesn’t matter if I know I only have 5 minutes or if I jump on it and only get to spend that amount of time on it.

The last while has been … interesting.

I haven’t heard anything from the manager so I am still in the dark if I still have a job. I feel like people are second guessing my choice to quit my job. Even if they think it was the “right” choice I keep getting asked questions. Like do you have anything lined up? Do you have another job? What are you going to do? And a bunch of other similar questions.

I cant tell if these questions are infuriating or just plain exhausting. Quiet honestly, I haven’t even applied to another job. Ive looked but haven’t applied. Its not because I think I might still have one, I think Im just decompressing.

Like I was burnt out.

Or maybe I was just overwhelmed.

I feel like I’m getting more motivated. Getting more inspiration.

I may not have finished them all but in the last almost month since I informed those that needed to know that I did not want to work there any longer I have started at least 8 stories. Im not sure that I started 8 stories in the last 6 months, maybe year.

What you just read was from several days ago. At this point I don’t even know how many days ago.

Most of the days seem to pass without getting much done as far as “physical” things so it is a little difficult to keep track.

I heard from that manager.

Jackass.

Spent easily 4 to 5 times longer on the phone than needed just to be told there are better options than me. Basically due to my physical limitations (I am not legally disabled) and my personal obligations I said before day one I couldn’t work past a certain time during certain days of the week.

So I told the higher up manager what this one said. Mostly because I have work with this manager for a long time, so I was just giving a curtesy heads up. This manager really has no say as far as that managers people so I wasn’t really expecting anything, not wanting anything. Plus at this point I had applied to a handful of jobs and put this manager as a point of reference.

No way will I ever use that manager as a reference. He is just enough of a vindictive individual that I don’t trust giving that information to perspective hiring people to speak to.

Well this manager said for me to come in. Maybe I could do something under a different manager. While not as many hours. It would just be something to keep me from fully being out. At least until this manager thinks things can be patched with that manager.

I am not hopeful.

Honestly, I don’t want to patch anything up.

I worked one shift already and know that I cant stick around.

At least not doing that.

If this manager ends up talking to that manager and that manager calls me saying things can get sorted. I honestly don’t know if I would.

The clock has been reset.

I will have some income from that shift anyway.

I have a little time before the next shift to keep me in the system.

I know what I want to do but not how to do it. I feel like I would be letting this manager down. Feel like I will be breaking a bridge. Not completely severing it. Just leaving it broken. Not quite safe to travel back across.

Im sure if that manager ended up leaving and this manager was still around, although rumor is they wont for much longer, this manager would bring me back. Little to no questions asked.

My friends have told me to do what feels right. Taking a break would be ok.

I believe them. I just havnt been able to push myself over that hurdle.

I don’t know what is stopping me.

Maybe a fear of rejection from another job opportunity I have in mind. Maybe a fear of failure when it comes to my book.

I still haven’t touched it.

I seem to be stuck in a loop.

Get up, take care of my furballs. Try to get some stuff done around the house or run errands but end up just binge watching shows that I need to catch up on. Then I feel this urge to be productive. When I feel like it would be safe to tackle things. By then though its late afternoon which is usually when I feel drained.

Then I wonder why did I not try to be productive earlier. When I didn’t feel as drained. Even though I know at that time I was lacking motivation. With one pup still recovering from surgery I didn’t feel safe leaving the room. Later afternoon is when they are also drained and sleeping.

Frustratingly.

Even when I do get the urge to do something and have the mental and physical capacity to do something. I procrastinate.

Before I sat down to write this I spent the better part of 30 minutes cleaning up a small area in my room. Then I checked to see if there were any more jobs to apply to and got a snack.

Really, I shouldn’t be writing this. But I haven’t done an update in I’m not sure how long.

Other than feeling like I could go take a nap my brain is telling me that I should be doing one of a handful of other things.

One thing I know cant take me long. Maybe 20 minutes. But no longer than 30.

Part of me feels like it is too loud. Or Im just too tired.

The next day is kind of better.

As of writing this I havnt done that thing yet but I probably will here soon.

Im still kind of tired but I feel like I cant start it until I give the pups their meds.

Finally heard back from the vet.

Not a lot of conclusive results for my big pup. Not sure why the heart did what it did but its responding to the meds. Just needs to have more frequent visits to make sure it stays that way and needs to lose some weight.

Which we have been trying and for the most part were successful. 2 pounds in 9 weeks. But then my little pup needed surgery and is not allowed to do a lot of stuff. So instead of walking several miles a week we might get just one in. I have a buggy that luckily the little one won’t jump out of and just sits as we stroll around. Its so hot that we can only go first thing which is not always an option.

It seems like I get the urge to write things down about every 3 days or so. I guess that’s about as long as I can go without feeling frustration about things. Therapy might be good but I doubt I would be able to talk things out that frequently.

I just feel unfocused.

So many things that I need to do. Or that I want to do. Sometimes it feels like it’s the same thing.

I need to do some editing. I have a few videos ready but I have a monster of one that I need to edit before those can go live. Sometimes it sucks to have a series going because you cant really post them out of order. I have a whole list of ones that I have the footage to edit together.

I would like to be able to write more of my book. I fear that I have been out of it for too long. I wont know where the story was going to go. I went with my sibling to a concert and I got a vision while we were there of a scene I would like to put in it though.

My other writing is … spotty to say the least. I have at least 3, upwards of 6 stories in progress. I get maybe 2-300 words. Im not sure if its writers block or what. I have to pause for whatever reason and I don’t seem to get back to them.  

Or rather. I say to myself I can get to them later in the day.

My days have been roughly the same. Because of an issue I have once it gets around mid-afternoon it gets rough. I just lose the momentum.

I don’t quite get tired enough to take a nap but it takes me a few hours to kind of get a second burst. Ill do a little bit more cleaning done while im in the slump but not much.

I tell myself that once the pups go to sleep Ill write, edit or whatever else I need to do. I end up just watching shows. I’m trying to catch up to where one of the weekly shows are. I didn’t realize how far behind I was. Then again it doesn’t help that I can only watch maybe 2 or 3 before I’m falling asleep.

But I also want to work hard to figure out what I really want to do. Do I really want to go back to school? It will take me at least 3 years to finish and get the job. Well 2 plus a whole year wait to get into the program. Then who knows how long to actually get a job once I finish the course work and get the certification. If I can made it in writing or video work do I really want to go through 2 years for something I might not be able to do? I mean the technical component I think I would be fine. But the amount of time for the shifts? If I have a difficult time after 4 or 5 hours doing what I have been doing. If I couldn’t do monotonous work, the same thing over and over again. I honestly don’t know exactly what the job is like. Would it be monotonous working the same machine over and over again? Running the same sequence over and over again. Or would it be like what I have been doing? Working the same handful of machines over and over again but an uncountable combination of results so its not borning. Just some of the people suck.

I just feel like I don’t have any direction.

I find it difficult to decide.

What should I do as I’m weighing the options? What to do first. I feel like I cant ask for help in deciding because I know no one I live with shares my priorities. My low priority is their high priority or somewhere in the middle. One person is all about yard work while I’m all about the stuff that needs to be done inside. There is just so much to do. I think getting rid of dust, pup fur and clutter is more important than flowers. One of my pups is allergic to mold and dust mites. That same pup sheds like nothing I have seen before. I can brush everyday and get half to a full pup pile of fur every day. So to me inside work is a little bit more important.

On the positive side of it though. I don’t miss worrying about when I have to leave the house. I don’t have to worry about if I havnt done laundry.

Ive gotten a good chunk of stuff done. Sometimes I feel like it isn’t enough. Which I know is ridiculous. I do what I can when I can.

I got a script done. I got some editing done. I got a story done. I got soooo much laundry done. I got quite a bit of cleaning done.

So I wrote up that last rant over several days. Most of which is still right.

Pupper 1 is healing from surgery and is not being a very good patient. Taking the medication has become better once we figured out how to hide them in food. But also said pup is definitely feeling better and is trying to do things which should be done at a later stage in healing. We still need to just walk and take things slow, but this little tazmanian wants to just run and play.

The other needs a recheck. Im hoping that we having gained much weight back. Because of pup 1 I havnt been able to take pup 2 on as many walks that we probably should be going on. We had been doing so well with losing or at least maintaining weight and not gaining. But now that I have typed this, when I take the pupper in for a weight check it will be higher …

The part from the last rant that is kind of wrong has more so to do with my job. I listened to other people both family and co-workers, I tried to speak to the manager to see if we could come to a better understanding as it one put it there is mis-communication on both sides. I am in a position I absolutely hate. This manager seems to just focus on insignificant parts and talks in circles. So I might still have a job and I might not. It was clear as mud in the conversation. I wont know until the next schedule comes out and even then it sounded like it wouldn’t be back to “normal” amount of hours, just something to keep me on payroll as the manager said they have to speak to another manager.

I guess if I keep my job and we come to a little bit of a better understanding cool but if not I feel like that conversation sort of justified my leaving in the first place.

I guess on the bright side. While I hurry up and wait anyway. It will give me a little bit of distance and I can try to accomplish other things. Which would be great as I just found out it is unlikely for me to qualify for aid as I go to school to try for a better job. Im going to start the process to appeal it to get someone to give it a second look but the first year wont really be a problem for me as I don’t need many classes so the cost wont be crazy. At least I hope. I have some saved up. But when I get into the actual program, if I understand it correctly is like 10k. I’m not sure if that is total or per semester. Which if its total I may be able to do a semester or two but otherwise without somekind of financial help I wont be able to do.  So I either need this job or figure something out in the next handful of months if the appeal doesn’t pan out.

I wont be twiddling my thumbs the whole time as I wait to find out. Or at least I say that. I have lists upon lists of things that I need to do or ideas I can pursue. I need to just not procrastinate and do them.

The problem sometimes though is I don’t know if I’m actually procrastinating or if I’m just burnt out. Like sure I have a list of all the videos I can make of the current recordings I have. I also have a list of chores that need to be done around the house to keep it clean and upkeep. I have a third list of items I need to buy at the store. I could probably make a list of video ideas that I would have to write scripts for. I could also probably write a list of stories with basic info of how it should go. Plus I need to finish my book. I made a promise to someone that I would have that thing finished and published in just over a year from now.

But honestly.

Right now my brain wants to do all those things to a point of I don’t know where I want to start. To edit I need time. Which I need to wait for the pupper to be taking a nap. To write I need other projects to not be bugging my mind. To clean/upkeep I need to figure out a place to start. I am bad at time management I never know how much time something will take me. Usually how it goes is if I feel like something will take me a long time, it doesn’t. If I feel like something will take me a short time, it doesn’t. But If I think something will take a short time so I decide it will take a long time, it doesn’t, I was right the first time it doesn’t take that long.

So then I just get to a point where all I want to do is to binge watch TV shows or Youtube videos.

Well anyway. Today is a new day. I have already written almost a thousand words.

I only have one more shift before I am in limbo. At least it’s a short one so I have the rest of the day to work on things.