I cant believe its May already, halfway through May at that. Iâm not sure that I posted my last rant or not.
TLDR. Many of my co-workers and I are not getting along with THAT manager. All this manager cares about is numbers and stats within the department and company. Which is all well and good, but not at the expense of literally everyone âunderâ that manager. Lack of communication, when there is communication itâs just to say we arenât doing well enough usually in a tone as if speaking to children. This manager and their work partner even got into it which I was shocked because this partner is just a little teddy bear. At some point literally all of us have talked to someone above this manager about their behavior but little more than a talking to and a figurative small slap of the wrist has been done. A co-worker and I talked to the big manager, their reaction to what we had to say was disappointing to say the least. I want to give this big manager the benefit of the doubt since another big manager said our department was kind of its own little world but just the reaction we got, its like the big managers hands are tied and they just want to keep the peace.
I really like this job when Im not working with that manager I do. But the stress is pervasive. It permeates its way into my life outside of work. Thoughts run through my head of will this manager flip their lid on little things.
They donât like when we order âextraâ stuff. Sure its extra but its stuff that moves, maybe not every day but it canât go bad. They donât like when we order stock that we use every day. But then we run out and then we need to ask other locations if they have it and then sometimes this manager will get it but sometimes they just donât bother and make one of us go get it. (Trust me if I go get it I make sure to do it on the clock and I get paid for my 45 minutes to an hour of travel just to pick up supplies). That gets old very fast.
Yet we are profitable so its not like ordering this extra small item or a few boxes of stock that we use in a day or two âbankruptsâ us. Hell we have an abundance of overstock of an item (Iâm talking 8+ boxes which is easily $100 if not $200+) of an item we use every day. Its just not standard size (it was all we could get at one point). So this manager, instead of letting us use this stock to get rid of it, just wants us to let it sit in storage while we use standard size. Its taking up room we could use for standard stock. Iâm not sure we can send it back (its not a perishable item so its not like well just throw it out either).
Ugh, anyway I catch myself mentally prepping myself for arguments that rarely actually happen. I think of comebacks to questions that are never asked. Ready myself for interactions that sometimes feel like interrogations, that end up not actually occurring. Its not just when Im on my way to work or on my lunch.
I catch myself after working thinking about what happened that day, did I do the ordering, what will this manager say if they will be there when the order arrives. It doesnât even matter if Im the one that does the ordering or not. This manager asked me about something that was ordered, I had no clue about it. I just said all I knew was it was for a customer because I packed it. I had no clue why so much was ordered, I didnât even know who ordered or when it arrived.
I catch myself thinking about when I walk my dogs. Sometimes when Iâm in the shower.
Iâm planning on what I will say if X is said. What will I do if Y is done.
How long will I have to ENDURE this job to be able to reach a lifeline to be able to drop this lead cape of worry on my shoulders.
Iâm putting stress on myself to make something work thatâs not working. Asking myself, what can I do?
Well, the manager isnât going to magically become better overnight. I wonât get the number of hours I need ⌠I take that back kind of. I was told âif you change your availability, I could give you more hoursâ. Like no. My availability is what it is. Whoo so unavailable. I can work nearly 90% of the time needing to be covered but I cant get more hours.
Other than thinking of what happened, what was said, what might be said, what might happen I worry about what I can do. How I might be able to make what I need to make by the end of the year. Currently I have enough hours. I could always use more, just to have a safety net for when my hours are cut. Thatâs a worry. Its not a matter of if my hours will be cut, itâs a matter of when. If I need to buy something I think about in in how many hours I need to work for it. Will I be scheduled enough hours to do this thing. I need to make a certain amount of money by the end of the year to justify my decisions. Every pay period I check how much left do I need to reach that goal. I got a slight raise which was nice. Yet, it didnât end the need to check. How many hours must I work the rest of the year? 400? 600? 800? How many pay periods are left? What does that average out to? How many pay periods are left before school starts? What would that average out to? If its over a certain number Iâm screwed. How many hours do I need to work per pay period to make what I need to cover monthly expenses? How many hours would I need to be able to be able to save any?
Do I get a second job? A lot of the jobs around me either donât match what Iâm making now or theyâre full time positions or weekday only or a combination. Sure I could do full time but not once school starts, who would hire me knowing that? If the job is less per hour then I would need to work more hours and once school starts I wont be able to balance more hours than what I have now. I definitely wouldnât be able to balance 2 jobs and school. Even if I got a second job right now, I donât know that I could balance the two. That manager would pitch a fit if I told them I couldnât work whatever day if I was working for another company. They would bend over backwards to get their way. Even if I went by the book of company policy. Find someway to make the big manager to make me choose or make them render my employment conflict of interest. âŚ.. I need to stop going down that rabbit hole. My brain just spirals on what if.
In addition to looking for a second âtraditional/normalâ job I try to think of things that would allow me to not have to work under this manager. What if I made items and sold them at farmers markets? I need to finish my book, maybe I can make Youtube work. The summer is practically gone, what about the fall? Iâm losing time. Yet it feels like I have no time to make the items to sell. Youtube, isnât growing fast enough to become monetized. Not in the next couple of months.
All of it is just affecting me both physically and mentally. Other than the spiraling thoughts I have trouble sleeping, sinus issues, shoulder/neck pain, migraines. Ive had at least 2 migraines with aura. Iâve never had those before. It scared the heck out of me the first time it happened at work. The eye clinic scared me even more when I knew the person on the other end of the line was thinking my retina may be detaching. When my shoulder gets really bad and inflamed, it irritates another nerve causing pain to shoot down the right side of my chest or a weird feeling to go down from my right elbow down to my pinky/ring finger on the right hand. My eyes started to do this thing and I asked my eye doctor who told me that it was caused by stress. The first time that happened scared me to the point they told me the pressure in my eye was high and I couldâve been borderline glaucoma (which luckily they said it couldâve been due to the stress and I have since had normal pressures). Everyone has hair that naturally sheds but lately it feels like more is shedding than normal. It could be because of the decrease in frequency I was my hair but I donât know. Skin issues. Tingling in my hands and arms sometimes when I have to work with that manager. When the thought of conflict over the schedule comes up, my hands go cold and my heart starts to race. Yea it has not been a good time.
I need to leave. I know I have said that before. I know that I have quit before and gone back. I may have been delusional, convincing myself it wasnât that bad. I had been working full time at my current job to go down to part time to work full time elsewhere. Then I quit that job and worked full time at one clinic while working part time at my current job as well. I think I was just overwhelmed, stressed out. At one point I worked 29 days in a row and the only reason it wasnât more was because I asked for a day off to take one of my pups to a specialist appointment. Just thinking of all of this I feel tense. My mind working overtime, checking to make sure everything is ok. Unconsciously checking my vision to make sure nothing is going wacky. Am I getting an aura? What is that spot? Is it going away?
I was working 2 jobs, I quit my current job. I was only working the full time job. I felt trapped. The whole system of PTO and what not. It felt like if I needed a day off I couldnât do it unless I had time saved up. I couldnât stand that. I also think I was so stressed, so used to constantly go between the two that once I lost the âhigherâ stress job I just didnât give myself enough time to re-regulate. I left a really good job opportunity to go back to this hell hole because it felt right. My old boss offered to let me just be part time. I said no. I made stupid decisions because I thought that my current job niche was right for me. It checked all the boxes. Helping people, part time, flexibility, a later start time. It has enough variability to not feel like a rut. Like Iâm doing a copy and paste thing day in and day out. But my current job is considered a high stress job and thatâs without dealing with that manager.
Just writing this. Admitting what is going on. My hands and forearms feel weak, almost shaky. My breathing went shallow. A sense of dread filled my chest and stomach. Thinking of my options. Thinking of what I lost. The guilt.
I applied for a job elsewhere. I asked my coworkers if they will be references.
What will I do if I get the job? If I donât?
Sure if I donât nothing will change in the near future. But what if I do? Do I work the two jobs? At least for a little while?
I donât want to leave my co-workers in a bind. We have a member out for a while. Yet we are getting a new person in as well. But that person has to be trained. Do I leave them short handed with a newby? Do I stay and help whenever THAT manager deems me worthy of being on the schedule once they find out?
Until I get the job offer and know for certain what the pay rate might be I cant do the math to find out. Without that my brain is telling me it would be beneficial to at least try to hold on a little while. That co-worker that is out should hopefully be well enough to come back. The new person will be semi-up to speed with how things work. I might be able to take larger chunks out of what I need so that way by the time school comes around I can focus on just the probably difficult material.
But I feel like thatâs a foolâs hope.
I just want to get to a point that I donât mentally take work home with me. That I can get rid of all this stress. I feel the stress is causing me to have inflammation. Or maybe Iâm allergic to something at my job. I didnât have these symptoms until I started working the 2 jobs initially. Things have just evolved with every work situation change. By the time I finish writing this it will probably be around 2800 words. That is in less than a few hours spread over a day and a couple of hours. I use to be able to type out stories this long with this amount of ease. I want to be able to day dream again. I donât care if it ends up being maladaptive. To be able to write just straight up fluff with ease and speed.
To finish the series I have started.
My monsters series. I loved how that was going.
My unnamed Moxiety series. I want to see how Patton recovers his memories. Even I donât know that yet as I havnt been able to sit and âseeâ how the story will unfold.
My Roman series. He died right? Or is he really dead? I havnt decided. I havenât âseenâ how it will end. Yet my readers donât even know that this at least 5 part series really even exists because I havnât finished a single part yet I have started them all.
To finish my book. Oh my literary baby. I have literally been working on this for damn 15 years. Granted it started out one way and then slowly evolved into a whole different story entirely but then the world stood still and I felt that the premise of the book, despite having come up with it nearly 5 years prior, was too raw. Too close to what was actually making the world burn at the time. So I put it on hold yet again. I was no longer in school but I was afraid of how the story would be perceived with all the loss happening in the world at the time. I want to finish it. If nothing else but to say that I finished it. Even if it is not well taken due to the story line. I could see the scenes of the book in my head. How the characters interacted with each other.
My previous job let me do that. But I just couldnât let myself see what I had. I was too wrapped up in my anxiety, in my fear of what I thought I was losing. Not what I had. I can see what I lost now. I can see what hell I put myself back into. I was looking at it with rose colored lenses. The âfreedomâ part time gave me turned out to be chains. I tried to quit a year ago. I just about damn near did it. Then things seemed to turn around and I hadnât found another job yet by the time the 4 weeks was up before I was finally free. Things got better for about 6 months then they took a turn again. The chains just re-arranged and made themselves noticeable again.
Now Iâm applying to every job I can find that I think I can do and give me what I need. I even went back and talked to my previous employer. Hinting that I could come back if they want me back. I think that bridge is burned though. That supervisor said that they still had my information but I am not good at reading people to know if they were considering taking me back. I havnt heard anything and its been 3 weeks.
Bah. I have to mentally tell myself to keep moving forward. Tackle the tasks as they come. Iâll figure it out. Iâm just somewhat impatient. Frustrated. Overwhelmed.
I need to take a step back. Find things that help my brain settle. My therapist suggested exercise but theres only so much of that I can do. I cant afford to get a gym membership and I hate being alone. I will just end up sitting down instead of exercising. Well I guess this is enough of a rant. I could go in circles all day long. I have a few tasks I need to do so I think I will take care of those. Or at least what I can of them. Hopefully the next time I post it will either be the last rant or I will have finally gotten back into something. One of my series or maybe even my book.