strong opinions loosely held

ilya constantly gets characterized as messy, lacking discipline, hating routine and so on and so forth which is - a huge misconception about him considering the way he grew up would have been so incredibly rigid and scheduled and even the choice to pursue hockey was probably met with backlash and the immediate standard of "if you are going to waste our time and money in practice you'd better be the best" from his police officer father and brother

and he gets this reputation because of how much he teases shane and also because when we see him in boston it's such a stark contrast from how he is both with his family, and with shane.

with his family he is rigid, put together, not a curl out of place, not so much as a slumped shoulder, his posture never relaxes in russia unless he's away from his family with svetlana - the bathroom scene where he rests against the sink, relaxing a touch. and later on the phone with shane when he fully crouches down and hunches over the body language is so- it shows so much, even in sochi when he can't even look at shane because he knows if he does he'll loosen, he'll melt and he can't afford to have one molecule out of place if he's going to survive

he's constantly on guard in russia and more than that, ilya probably WAS the Boring one in his family. his father is high up in policing but seems to have zero issue with the way Alexei lives his life because he followed in his footsteps to be an officer. but alexei is the one with addictions so strong they legitimately suck up all his income so he has to rely on ilya to feed his family and pay his bills. when they were young, ilya was the one who would check on their mama and make sure she was okay. bitching at alexei for the coke and gambling and gettng brushed off at best, called a slur at worst, worrying about their father and getting told he's ridiculous. ilya is astute and constantly on high alert and he's always sure of his perceptions because they've been denied his entire life and ignored but he's still been right (his mama's depression, his father's dementia symptoms alexei denied)

then when their father gets sick, ilya can't be there and he HAS to rely on alexei to make sure their dad gets his meds on time, paying him and hoping he's keeping up with the doctor's orders instead of blowing the extra money up his nose. when he came back for the season after that summer of taking care of his dad, he probably left pre packed blister packs for alexei and calendars filled with doctor's appointments and meal times with the appropriate meds. he probably sends alexei a monthly calendar digitally with new appointment and dosage information and "make sure he doesn't accidentally take a whole bottle alexei put the pills in the cupboard - nyet the one where mama kept her sewing supplies he never touched it."

with his family, he is the caretaker, the overlooked one at that, the youngest with the most responsibility and the least credit and he fills that role without complaint. and he was probably mocked for it, the fun police, straight laced compared to his brother but lazy compared to his father.

then in boston he has a different, more aggressive role to play. he likes this one a lot more, it's easy, he likes chirping, he likes the way partying and sex quiets his mind, he likes fast cars and freedom.

but he's still captain, he keeps his team in line and makes the chemistry his personal responsibility if he doesn't work the team doesn't work he just seems nonchalant because that's his Role. boston drafted the aggressive playboy from russia and then gave him captaincy, it's a responsibility and rigidness that ilya's used to and it's a hell of a lot more comfortable than the one he's used to and we see that with his silliness with svetlana, his casual affection with his team but none of it equats to an irresponsible character who needs a sex ban to pick up their socks (seriously his apartment was fucking flawless long before he moved in with shane he just doesn't have as many pillows)

and then with shane - the responsibility all seems like it's gone because he just melts with him. he doesn't have a role to play, which makes him panic because how is he supposed to act without rules. and he falls into something he's never had before, which is being in the place where he can let someone else be responsible, he gets to be guided instead of doing the guiding. while still feeling in control particularly via their sex life, but also outside of that, shane gives him choices, not demands.

with shane there's so much rest in everything about him, he teases shane about his strict schedule and tries to coax him to stay in bed a little bit longer but it's not because they have a difference in discipline. he teases shane for being boring to highlight their difference in partying habits and how shane is, So straight laced compared to him and because he Loves that. he gets to be loose, and loved, and safe.

it's because shane's discipline comes from a safe place (for the most part) it wasn't forced on him and he thoroughly enjoys most of it. so ilya gets to be led, and he gets to melt, and his decisions get to be choosing a dinner option. with shane he gets to revel in the fact that he doesn't actually Have to be anything, he doesn't have a role he gets to just exist and tease him for being boring but it's so different from the way ilya himself was probably ridiculed with similar language because ilya loves it

it's also probably part of why his depression gets so bad in tlg because along with change and some isolation, he doesn't have shane all the time, and he also doesn't have his past coping mechanisms and roles that kept him busy and in survival mode, so how much he's melted also makes space for him to become adrift when shane isn't around to ease the weight of his own mind

he just gets to exist but he doesn't Know How to without demands and responsibilities

he loves that shane's schedules come from a place of care, that shane's schedules mean he can rest, he doesn't have to worry about anything but the two of them and anya and hockey

and it's so fucking freeing to be a different kind of boring. to live with someone who doesn't do drugs, to do puzzles with david, to have people asking how they can support him instead of asking for more always

freeing to have people who think his presence is more than enough to keep him around