Iāve been doing a lot of reading on gender roles in (straight) relationships, and the infamous Mental Load, especially in terms of childcare and housework.
Iāve thought about all the marriages I know ofā¦ family members, families I nanny forā¦ as well as read anecdotes from people on Medium and Reddit. And while most of the people who came to mind would describe themselves as happily married, all of their marriages would be hell on earth for me.
And as much as Iād love to be a stay at home wife and mother (at least for some time) Iām beginning to doubt that I can find a man who will truly respect me and not fall back into stereotypical gender roles/patriarchy/male privilege.
I donāt want to marry a guy, and, once Iām tied down to him with kids, realize that he isnāt the kind of guy to take as much initiative as a parent as I do. I donāt want to be one of those moms who brags to her friends that āhe babysits the kids sometimes so I can go grocery shopping!ā I donāt want to be responsible for booking all the doctors appointments or the one who is expected to go the parent teacher conferences and has to delegate household and childcare tasks to my husband. Of course Iām happy to do those things (minus the delegating) but I want to do them as much as he does, not MORE. And I sure donāt want him to EXPECT it - āoh I would have gotten the kids their flu shot, you just didnāt tell me I needed toā type shit.
I donāt want a guy who needs a fucking man-cave, I donāt want a guy who expects me to take his last name, I donāt want a guy who expects me to get up with the kids every single morning while he sleeps in until 11am, which is exactly what my dad did. I donāt want a guy who argues that a āmotherās bondā is stronger than a fatherās and that as a woman I am just inherently more nurturing, motherly, and better with the kids. I donāt want a guy who jokes that at 35 Iām ātoo old for himā when heās fucking 15 years older than me.
I donāt want a guy who exhibits ālearned helplessnessā (look in my tags, i reblogged a thread on it a while back) to the point where I just get so frustrated about him intentionally being an incompetent piece of shit that I just do his chores for him. I donāt want a fucking man child.
These are all things Iāve witnessed or heard of in one way or another. And it scares me so fucking much.
I would honestly just want to divorce him at that point, and shame on me for even marrying a man like that. Which is why Iām thinking I donāt even want to get ~legally~ married, and I just donāt know about having kidsā¦ because I desperately want them, but not if my SO is gonna drop the ball and leave me with 80% of the labor, only to expect a gold medal every time he changes a goddamn diaper.
I get that there are men out there that would surely listen and learn if I explained all this to them, and maybe they could be suitable partners. But I donāt want to have to educate them. If my partner canāt be truly feminist from the start then Iād rather not even bother with him. Itās too much work to have to teach a man the ins and outs of feminist theory just so that you can live a half decent life.
I want a man who is every bit as capable and responsible as I am. I donāt expect a flawless man in all areas - everyone has areas they need to work on, but I do expect a 100% flawless man in terms of taking responsibility for his shit and not leaving me with the mental load for both of us. Basically, Iām not going to excuse everyday misogyny and microagressions because āheās still learningā or āhe at least helps out somewhatā. Iām sorry, but fucking learn your shit before you date me. Its not my job to teach you how to treat me like a human being. Itās so much work to educate people and I donāt want to have to educate my HUSBAND.
Ugh. It really sucks because Iād love to settle down and have a family some day but I feel like Iām never going to find a man who fits my standards.
jbbartram-illu
izzy806
stormborns
origamiaround
titsay
