Tea with My Savior

Right around when I turned 20, I began to lose sight of my faith. It was still intact but not my priority. I was curious about worldly desires, which is a sin that led to more sin; which ultimately led me to a great deal of pain and suffering. Within a short amount of time, I found myself in a very dark place. My identity was lost, I was broken, and my once determined demeanor was stolen from me. I was depressed. As I was closing in on my senior year of college, I would whisper words of encouragement to myself to get through. "Only a few more days and you’ll be home” “You just have to get home and all will be right”. This helped me get through a lot of stress and anxiety because I truly believed that my struggles would be left in New York. I would arrive in California as a freed person. I thought I could make better decisions at home because that was where I felt accepted and had my loving family and Christian friends. All will be well at home, I thought.

Time passed and I made it to Graduation. Barely. I was so excited to be away from the temptation of college and work on getting better. But I quickly found that the darkness had followed me. I was still depressed and had even greater temptation around me. And because I was unable to escape such heartache- even at home - I also developed an inner voice of self-hatred. Shame defined me.

I remember it very vividly because it was a profound day in my faith. It was another day that I was mentally exhausted and spiritually dead. I was walking down the hallway in my parents house when I audibly sighed and said “I just wanna be home!”. I shocked myself. “Why would I say that? I am home?” And in the most clear voice, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me: “I am your home. I will bring you comfort and peace that you so desperately seek. I will deliver you from your temptations. I will fight for your heart. And I will erase your shame. No matter where you go, evil will find you. But I, I am your home.”

And so my journey began. I was born again… and again.. and again. With each failure and each time I fell short in obeying God, His unfailing love reminded me again that I was always welcome home. As I laid more and more of my shame at the doorstep, He unveiled the significance of the word home.

"We are afflicted in every way but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair, persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed."

- 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 

   I live in a nation where I am free to practice my faith; I have rarely felt attacked or personally offended by anyone in my lifetime. Recently though, I have encountered a few exceptions to the norm, as people have disrespected and insulted me for my religious choices. I am hurt and somewhat appalled by these actions but I can't help but think of others across the world that are consistently faced with this issue. They battle for the right to believe everyday and I am inspired by their courage and faithfulness. It has put my problems in perspective and reminds me that there are much bigger battles to be won in the hearts of the discriminators than to prove that they are wrong. We will not be destroyed by such little actions, but move the world on a grander scale of love and forgiveness.