rowan

hi I'm tearful banshee ◔̯◔ I also go by rowan + many other aliases I don't really care about pronouns, call me whatever !!!

I'm 19, irish & a lesbian. I often associate myself with Pomeranians, I experience depersonalization almost every day so it's more comforting for me to be a small little dog. I'm a pessimistic about everything, I never feel happy very more than an hour or two every few weeks.

I am very mentally ill. I have diagnosed asd, ocd, spd, gad and a nightmare disorder. I also have bpd traits, suspecting adhd and some sort of dissociative disorder (I'm in therapy & having assessments to figure this out lolz). I talk a lot about my struggles and my vents can be very emotionally distressing, I'll try my best to put any content warnings in tags if it's particular bad.

I got mad at my therapist the other day. He seemed fed up with me not knowing the answers to how to cope healthier. I stopped journaling when it made more paranoid and felt watched way more. I always have the feeling of being watched but it felt like having cameras in my eyes when I was writing in it.

so idk if maybe there's just just something wrong with me or maybe I'm too stubborn- but I feel like I'm not getting ANYWHERE with therapy. The whole talking about things doesn't fix anything, if anything it makes me more overwhelmed and fustrated because why am I sharing this to someone who is supposed to help me- and they're not helping me??

I want to switch therapist sometimes, number of reasons but because whenever I try explain a problem I have- he keeps trying to say they aren't problems but they are. I can't be in public because if my anxieties and fear and he just keeps calling it all "reasonable" ??? NO IT'S NOT.

anyways I'm looking into seeing a psychologist, something more straight forward without feeling like I'm talking into the void with the only advice being "repeat affirmations"