Tam Thoughts

I think when a lot of people think of positive queer representation, they want to see the character happy or grow into their identity. Which is extremely valid, we all want to see people like us get the good ending. But a character having a "bad" ending (within the universe, not necessarily from a writing pov) can still be good representation, even if its not a happy one.

Jax is a cautionary tale, she's what happens when you don't accept yourself. The most extreme example of self hatred and dysphoria and how those internalised feelings can then affect your treatment of others. Goose (the creator and a trans woman herself) even said that Jax is heavily inspired by the worst parts of her.

Jax being trans doesn't excuse his actions, but the show never tried to say that anyway. Gangle is conflicted in feeling she should mourn him but yet is still allowed to hate him, she's not expected to forgive him just cause he's abstracted. Nor is Zooble, who is perhaps more understanding of what Jax went through as someone who is trans themselves and is shown to clock her discomfort with gender expression. They are still angry. He is not forgiven.

Pomni and Ragatha are the most forgiving because they were the closest thing Jax had to friends at one point or another, and even they do not attempt to excuse her behaviour- not even pomni with what she learns. She is more upset that she couldn't get through to her and help, but doesn't try to argue when Jax says he is a bad person.

With Leeroy still being alive and out there, we see that things do get better and that (s)he? Can improve with the right mindset and friends. Leeroy continued to live, given the chance to accept who she is.

Jax however, stayed stagnant. He trapped himself in the mindset that nothing matters and theres no point in trying. He never got to learn what happened to his mom, if things got better, if the people he knew back then would accept who she really is. Everything remained internalised. And when Ribbit tried to open those wounds, he doubled down. Shoved everything soft and weak down into the back of his mind and tried to put on a new aloof personality.

And whilst the Jax we meet is cruel, its clear that switch wasn't over night. He didn't become mean just cause, but he kept putting up more and more walls. And when Ribbit died, he did as much as possible to push everyone else away.

This sort of self-hating turned projection isn't uncommon in closeted trans people. You feel othered and different, you have to convince everyone around you that you can fit in, that everyone else is the problem.

Jax in particular is a good example of toxic masculinity and internalised misogyny. We see in the way he speaks about his parents that he was once a much more soft, open person. But the pressure to be more of a "man" than his dad, and to not be weak affected his mindset and the expections he placed on himself. Especially given his mom's reaction to him coming out, seeing being feminine as a weakness and failing.

It does not ever excuse his behaviour, but it does show Why he may act this way. And in the end he does admit it did nothing good. He was so scared of what would happen, he retreated into the idea of the digital world as a safety blanket. Nothing was real, no one he hurt was real. His feelings weren't real. It's a very "its not that deep" sort of deflection.

Jax shows what happens when you don't allow yourself to grow, when instead you retreat into yourself and the way it makes you bitter. Self hatred corrupts, it makes you cruel.

Whereas Leeroy is what happens when you do get that chance. Jax was too late and it destroyed him.

Emojis and kaomojis

The Space Marine came to stand over Bannick, reached his hands to his helm and undid clasps there. Small jets of air hissed from uncoupled seals, heavy with a perfume strong enough for Bannick to smell in the rain.

Bannick blinked gritty water from his eyes. The man revealed beneath the helmet was beautiful, more perfect than the most exquisitely carved statue in a cathedral, more finely formed than those artworks purported to show the inherent superiority of the human form over all others in the galaxy.

Stark, purple tattoos marked his face. His lips were full, nose strong, cheekbones perfect in their angle and sharpness, and he held himself with a bearing more refined than the highest Paragonian aristocrat. His skin was flawless, bright, and his blue-white hair was cropped close to his skull. Bannick's breath caught in his throat. For all his perfection, there was an air of ineffable sorrow about the man. He looked down at Bannick with bright eyes that wept quicksilver tears into the rain.

"That was a good thrust. You are a fine swordsman, for a mortal. For the first time in a thousand years, I am wounded," he said. "For the first time in ten thousand, I came close to death." The language he used was almost incomprehensible. It was a form of Gothic, but full of strange stresses and archaic grammarical forms. The Space Marine took a step forwards. He was as solid as a tower, clad in heavy armor covered in soft leather. Bannick shrank back when he made out the outlines of a flattened human face, eyes and mouth stitched shut, wrapped around his greave. "Never in all the years of the long war has a mere man caused me harm. You have destroyed my birth heart. I shall never have another." The Space Marine's eyes closed and he tilted his face into the downpour. "The feeling of loss is...exquisite. I remember times I thought never to recall as I contemplate its destruction. I have memories of a time that was lost brought out by the pain. Such pain. It is a blessing. I thank you." He looked down at Bannick and smiled. The lips were perfect, the teeth behind them perfect, and the malice behind them the most perfectly formed of all. "I should not wish you to miss out on such experience. I shall repay your gift. You are blessed. We shall travel the roads of agony together."

-- from Chapter Twenty-One of Shadowsword by Guy Haley, easily the most beautiful passage in the book. Bonus points for the hilarious and wholesome variant of "be not afraid" that closes the chapter, purely because of who is saying it:

"I'm not going to kill you, I swear. I am Adelard," said the warrior, "sword brother of the Michaelis Crusade of the Black Templars Chapter, Adeptus Astartes, and loyal son of Rogal Dorn. You have nothing to fear. We are brothers, you and I. Warriors in the never-ending war. Come with me, and be safe."

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Ongoing Project

Shortform Content

Happy Trans Day of Visibility 🏳️‍⚧️ I made a comic reflecting on my church upbringing as an eXvangelical trans person. The Jesus conservative Christians claim to represent looked lot more like many of the LGBTQ+ friends I know and love. Just some food for thought 💖

A Familiar Cheer

I live in the United States, and the issue of discrimination is something that continues to persist and is getting worse for queer people as well as other marginalized groups.

It's not something that can be fixed with simple additions or restrictions. The issue itself is systemic and manifests in multiple ways and places.

My hope isn't that this comic can educate people on the scope of the issue, but rather that it opens the door to learning.

I'll also be linking to a queer rights group I've worked with before, Campaign for Southern Equality. They help to fight against the growing amount of anti-queer bills that are being introduced, with a focus on the southern states.

A) There are a ton of fruits that get categorised as vegetables. Like this also applies to pumpkins, squashes and cucumbers.