I tried hard to want to be in this body. I really did.
When I was a kid and other people were getting their periods, I actually looked forward to it happening for me. I did research. I learned your first period is called "menarche." It was part of the process of reaching physical maturity, so I figured it was like cooking a meal. It's not ready to eat until it's done cooking. I'm not done cooking, so when I am, surely then I'll feel at home in this body. I mean, you can't judge a meal's quality and adequacy in terms of sustenance or enjoyability before it's done cooking. That's not fair.
So I actually looked forward to getting my first period. Then it happened and the changes associated with female puberty started happening in earnest. They'd been creeping in, in terms of me developing tits and hips, but I was also fat, so that was also a problem to deal with. It was the late 90s and early 00s; body positivity wasn't a thing at all yet. I talked about hating my body, but it was treated as normal, because I was a "girl," and so on. But it wasn't just about hating my body in terms of the way it looked and the things it did.
I knew something was really, really wrong. But even then, I tried to live with it. I was figuring out I probably wasn't really a girl, but the fact is, I didn't want to deal with what that meant. I didn't want to have to admit to myself and others that I was even more unacceptable than previously anticipated. So I had to try to force myself to make it work.
It never did. Then there came a point where my eating disorders were about to straight-up kill me, and I realized the one thing I had never tried in terms of dealing with my body was admitting that maybe this body wasn't right for me.
In other words, I literally only transitioned because not doing so became completely, utterly unbearable.
So when people say shit like, "Why would you WANT to be a man?" I don't really know how to respond. I didn't want to. I wanted to be normal, because normal to me seemed safer. It seemed like, if I could just hide in plain sight, people would overlook me. They'd leave me alone and stop hurting me. If I couldn't be myself, I would settle for being invisible. So I thought.
I didn't want to be a man. It took a very long time for me to even consider loving myself as a man, and I struggle with it even now and probably will for the rest of my life. But it is who I am. And not just because I hate having a period or having tits. Those things are going to be a problem for the foreseeable future, but if that was all it was, I could live with it.
It goes so much deeper than that. And the fact that so many people seem ready to believe we transition because we think it'll grant us privilege or in any way make life easier... I mean, I can't for sure say no trans man has ever thought that, but most of us know better. Which is why I find it so weird that people respond to us talking about our experiences sometimes by saying, "lol sorry patriarchy isn't working out to benefit you the way you thought it would." Like please be serious.
I didn't want to be a man, but I do know that I am one, and I know that it doesn't make me any more or less deserving of respect and compassion and basic decency than anybody else. And I know I'm not doing anything wrong by trying to love and respect myself and support my brothers just the same as my sisters and other trans siblings. I really resent the way we're treated and the fact that most people, even a disturbing number of other trans people, hate our guts simply for daring to exist. I think a certain amount of anger about that is natural.
I do think it's unfair and wrong to act like trans women in general are against us, because most of them aren't. My point is simply that it sucks in general, but it's that much more fucked up, in my mind, when it comes from other trans people.
What's right for you may be hell on earth for me, and vice versa. Testosterone may be awful for you, but for a lot of us, it's literally life-saving. It doesn't make anyone evil. If someone on testosterone or with a testosterone-dominant reproductive system is an awful person, that's a different kind of problem.
This should not be a difficult concept to grasp. But I digress.
Somewhere there's a trans guy trying really hard to be anything other than an "evil, disgusting man" and tearing himself up inside in the process. And I care about him, and I think others should, too. "Why would you want to be a man??" Bold of you to assume you know the inner life of another person, especially when you probably won't actually listen to us talk about our experiences with transitioning and coming to terms with ourselves as trans men in the first place.
It isn't even a genuine question. "Why would you want to be a man?" is phrased as a question, but behind it is typically a lot of negativity about men and masculinity in general. What they're really saying is often something like, "I would never want to be a man, so I assume you'd have to be literally insane to want that for yourself. Or you think it'll let you exploit and oppress others, because that's all masculinity is to me."
Anyway, I want people to get a lot more normal about trans men. And the only way that happens is if we become a lot more visible and if we aren't afraid to get loud about who we are and make sure our history is documented and taught in one way or another, along with building community together and supporting each other. We have to do this, because no one else is gonna do it for us.
"Why would you want to be a man?" I didn't. But since I am, I figure it's on me to be the best man I can be, and that means finding ways to step up and help others when and how I can. It means supporting and defending others when and how I can. It means not being ashamed of my gender, anatomy, or hormones, and trying to love and respect myself the same way I love and respect others.
And despite being an "evil, disgusting man," I deserve the right to live and be happy and safe and loved just as much as anyone else, no more, no less. And we deserve to want to be men, too. We deserve to tell our stories, make our art, and live as full, complete human beings, just the same as everyone else does. No more, no less.
This should not need saying. But since it does, I'm gonna say it and keep saying it, and to hell with the consequences. Trans men are not "ontologically evil," and if you think that, you need to fix yourself. Failing that, stay the fuck away from me and my brothers. I'm done tolerating it.
