#young aces

i remember hearing someone say that the reason people think gay couples are inappropriate for kids is partly because a lot of gay/sga people don’t realise they are attracted to the same gender until they’re older because they have to use critical thinking to overcome the heteronormativity that has been forced upon them their whole life.

there’s a similar experience here for aces and aros because we’re constantly told that we’ll “understand one day” or “when you get older and fall in love” and we kinda just believe that until one day we realise it’s not gonna happen. it can be really hard to figure out that you’re aspec because it takes a lot of maturity and critical thinking skills to evaluate how your feelings differ from what you’ve been told other people feel, which is why i think it’s hard for skeptics to believe young aspec people really know what they’re talking about, because how could they possibly know when they’re only (insert age here). but really, once you work out you’re aspec there’s usually multiple things you remember from your childhood that suddenly make sense, like “oh yeah, i thought i had a crush on my friend because i was aro and didn’t know the difference”. these things are there it’s just hard to realise what they are because of what society has been feeding us since birth. different people become aware of this at different times and different ages, and if some people can work that out while they’re still young, that’s amazing!

There’s no minimum age for identifying as ace, and I’m so sorry that you’ve been made to believe that adopting a label you think suits you would make you some sort of bad person, under any circumstances.

Depending on how your body is developing and if you are capable of sexual desire, then I would think you are not “too young” for sexual attraction. The only time I believe someone is “too young” to be entirely sure is if they were pre-pubescent or have not developed the ability to feel sexual desire, purely because children don’t tend to focus much on those kinds of things since their bodies aren’t sending out hormones for those urges yet

Sexual attraction often occurs around age 10 (standard deviation of 3 years) 

But let’s say you’re a late bloomer, say you don’t experience attraction until several years down the road or even just a few months, at the moment you might find comfort in a particular identity. I repeat this a lot but... It doesn’t matter what you might feel, be like, in the future, right now this is who you are. Sexuality can be fluid, see that as a positive thing, some people try to use it to invalidate who you are currently but don’t stand for that, it’s more about that if you realise you have changed, or find some different way to identify you know you can change and it doesn’t invalidate who you were previously. 

If you want to look through our blog by searching age, it’s not specific but there quite a few ask and posts about being a young ace/questioning.

I’m not quite sure what kind of advice you’re looking for, but there isn’t an age where you’re “old enough” to realize you’re ace! Ace people just tend to realize their orientations later on than other queer folk because of that same rationalization, that we must be too young or just “late bloomers” into sexual feelings that we’re conditioned to believe everyone experiences.

Hi Sarah!

Orientation can be pretty difficult to know for sure when you’re 16, and it’s something that can absolutely change and evolve as time goes on, too. Don’t feel pressured to take a label, or to stick to it- give yourself some space to let your feelings happen on their own, before you try to parse them out and categorize them.

Lots of people experience sexual attraction at 16 years old, but that doesn’t mean everyone is quite there yet. You might feel it later, or you might never feel it. Both are super okay, and you can use the label now if you feel it’s helpful- but you definitely don’t have to!

If you feel any kind of fear around the idea of sex or sexual attraction, definitely take a step back, and maybe consider why you might be having those feelings. If you feel it’s serious or you need help, maybe consider talking to an adult who might be able to help- a parent/guardian, or maybe a mental health professional. Someone you can trust, who can point you in the right direction if nothing else.

I started using the label “asexual” when I was about 15, because by that point, pretty much all of my peers were experiencing attraction- and I felt very definitively that if I was going to, I would have by that point. I still feel pretty confident that I was right, and still am, and the label did help me. I was able to feel “normal” in those feelings, and know I wasn’t alone- I could accept myself and what I was feeling much sooner than I would have otherwise.

But that’s not true for everyone! It’s okay to take the label if you feel it’s helpful to you, and it’s okay to wait and see how you feel as you get older, and it’s okay if you never feel the label fits- even if you continue feeling that way. It’s even okay if you take it now, but change your mind later! Labels are for your personal comfort and benefit- they aren’t obligatory, and they’re not permanent either.

Sorry that was a little long, and I hope something in there helped! Good luck!