#ya basic

You may have encountered this fanfic of mine on Facebook. Time to bring it here! This explores what it would have been if Crowley had accepted to follow Aziraphale in Heaven... Probably Metatron's very own version of Hell... right? 😈

[This is meant to be light and funny - well, at least am I attempting to be. I reserve my deep thoughts for my analysis and I'm just as against our favorite Angel's decision as the next person 😅]

That time the Supreme Archangel Aziraphale had a "big announcement" to make, Day 1

Aziraphale: On this day particularly important for me - I mean, for us all, I have the pleasure to introduce *weird Magishun tone* *already amused by his own pun* or, to re-introduce: Archangel Anthony Crowley!

Crowley: *arrives in all-black attire, already owns the place* Helloooo, suckerssss! Ooookayy, Time to change a thing or two: Beige is out, Black is in! *snaps his fingers because Crowley*

Aziraphale: aka... my husband.

Crowley: *stops in the middle of a twist* Wait, what? Since when?

Aziraphale: *with a both cute and firm smile* Since now. I've decided.

Crowley: *blushes behind his glasses* *shrugs his shoulders**tries to sound cool and detached* M'okay. Works for me.

The crowd: *Too stunned to react*

Aziraphale: A round of applause, please, that would be lovely.

The crowd: *weird applause*

Aziraphale: *innocent yet somewhat demonic smile* Thank you 🤭

When the Supreme Archangel Aziraphale asked the Meeting Room to be repainted in wood shades "because it will feel cozier"

Michael: *about to have a heart attack* *cannot deal with the Jealousy* You cannot be serious?

Uriel: Come on, Michael, it must be a joke... Right?

Metatron: *is waiting for Aziraphale to answer "Yes, of course"*

Crowley: *arrives in style* Have you told them about the yellow lights yet or have I arrived too soon?

Two Angels walk into the New Office That Somehow Looks Like an Old Bookshop to report the news on Armageddon 2.0 - which should have happened two centuries ago - and on how Attempt #451 mysteriously failed.

Crowley: *leans in Aziraphale's seat that looks like an old sofa* And why do they keep talking, exactly?

Aziraphale *holds himself back from rolling his eyes for two centuries* *sympathetic smile* I'm sure you've done your very best to make it work. Thank you.

In the middle of a very important War meeting

Crowley: *sighs* I need a drink, Angel *realizes* *does not care* Yeah, nope, cannot stop calling you that. *To Michael, Uriel, Saraqael, and Metatron* Deal with it, losers. *miracles a glass of Talisker and drinks it as if it were 6 expresso shots in one big mug*

Metatron: *Contemplates the end of his own existence as a valid option for the first time in his Eternity* *So done with their bullshirt since day 1*

Three Angels report on how Attempt #523 mysteriously failed.

Crowley: *straight-up laughing* You heard that, Angel? They didn't do what you asked them to do! *theatrical hand movements* How unusual! How revolutionary! *whispers* Can I hang them by their tiny little fee-T?

Aziraphale: *scandalized look* *high-pitched voice* Of course not!

Crowley: *sighs in childish* Ughhh, I need a drink.

When Archangel Michael makes an appearance

Crowley: Isn't it time we introduce quiet firing, Angel? Also, Micky, I need a towel! *winks at his husband*

That first time Supreme Archangel Aziraphale and Archangel Crowley were about to re-enter the Elevator together.

Aziraphale & Crowley: *dressed formally* *Aziraphale loves top hats and convinced Crowley they should both wear one with reversed colors* *arm in arm*

Metatron: *clears his throat* *severe tone because that is the only tone he knows* Where do you think you two are going?

Aziraphale and Crowley: *startle like children caught stealing After Eights way before eight*

Aziraphale: We... hum... We... *looks at Crowley* Weeee thought it would be... hum... good to... hum... go back to Earth to... observe humans and to... hum... to... do... groceries? *innocent smile*

Metatron: *cannot believe his ears* Groceries?

Crowley: You haven't got the faintest idea how many wars and plagues have started in a grocery store, do ya'? *is handsy around Aziraphale's hip for no reason*

Aziraphale: *giggles*

Crowley: Come on, Angel, time to start World War III by pissing off some Karens at the cashier. T'will take what, Supreme Archangel, to kickstart Second Coming, hum? Two days? *puts his arm around Aziraphale's shoulders* *strong grip*

Aziraphale: *looks at Crowley* Oh, hum, maybe a week. *looks at Metatron* Let's not be pretentious.

Crowley: *glasses slightly down revealing his eyes only to his hubby* You mean like Michael?

Aziraphale: *giggles again before tapping Crowley's hand away from his shoulder in order to concentrate* *pretends to be shocked* Don't say that!

Metatron: *trembling voice* But... You cannot go back to Earth!

Crowley: *has NOT removed his hand from Aziraphale's shoulders* Watch us. *walks like Rihanna because Crowley, straight to the elevator*

Later, after the elevator's doors are closed.

Aziraphale and Crowley: *sigh in unison*

Aziraphale: I thought he would erase our names in the Book of Life for a second.

Crowley: Yeahhh, well... The night is still young, Angel. But, for now, time to recharge at the Ritz.

Aziraphale: Remember your promise, right?

Crowley: *pretends to not remember* Hum? Wot?

Aziraphale: You promised you wouldn't drink too much alcohol so that we can go to the Opera after. I need us to see Madam Butterfly sober!

Crowley: And I still strongly disagree with that statement. If I find Laudanum, I'll take a hundred bottles: one for tonight, the other 99 to bear the sight of Killjoy in Chief* for yet another day.

[Oh, I think we all know who Killjoy in Chief is. Obviosleh.]

Crowley: If we ever go back Up.

Aziraphale: *scandalized in type A personality* Of course, we will come back! We have responsibilities!

Crowley: Says the Supreme Archangel *of course he always mentions his hubby's new title ironically* who ASKED for a week on Earth.

Aziraphale: Yes, well... There is no such thing as the concept of vacation in Heaven at the moment, but I will certainly introduce it in a century or two. This is important!

Crowley: Sure.

Aziraphale: *talks in Life Mission* It helps stay productive. And happy!

Crowley: Riiight.

Aziraphale: You know it's true! Stop mocking me!

Crowley: I'm not, I... *freezes*

Aziraphale: What is it? Are you okay? *handsy around Crowley's shoulder*

Crowley: My Bentley is going to be so pissed at me. My baby must be so depressed... *puppy-snake-like eyes*

Aziraphale: I know where this is going... And the answer is no, Crowley. *tries to muster some authority in his tone* *fails*

Crowley: Rahhhh! Come on, Angel! You plan on taking your diaries, your favorite books, and snacks! All I want is a dozen Talisker barrels, my plants, and my car back!

Aziraphale: These things will take too much space, Crowley! What will Metatron say?

Crowley: Tss. Says the Supreme Archangel who dreams of reproducing to perfection his very Earthy Bookshop in Heaven. And has started to do exactly that! You're no fun and you're a hypocrite! An Angel, for short. And a basic* one at that.

[Insert The Good Place Michael who says "It's a human insult. You're devastated right now" gif here - Hey, we're on Tumblr, actually, I can!]

Aziraphale: *crosses his arms like a 5 yo while being 6000+* You too are an Angel, Crowley. You tend to forget about that.

Crowley: I'm not an Angel-Angel, Angel. Do you know why? Because I don't have a whole range of brooms stuck inside my bottom.

Aziraphale: *hurt* *also annoyed* *but mostly hurt* And here I was, thinking we would just spend an amazing week together. *trembling voice* You're the no-fun one, Crowley. *almost about to cry* *avoids eye contact*

Crowley: *notices* *pretends not to care* *holds himself back from thinking how cute Aziraphale's pouty face is* *fails miserably* *growls in defeat* How unfair is that?!

Aziraphale: *pretends not to hear for a second* *turns back to him* *keeps his pouty face steady* What? What is unfair?

Crowley: Nevermind, Angel. *sigh* Alright... I will limit my alcohol consumption to four, maybe five glasses.

Aziraphale: *cutest smile emerges* Thank you 🥰 *happy as in a Mariah Carey Christmas clip* *giggles*

Crowley: *blushes behind his glasses* *takes Aziraphales' arm back*

*Pretty long silence*

Crowley: Seriously, though, Sexy is gonna be so pissed at me.

Aziraphale: *high-pitched voice* OH MY LORD, for Heaven's sake, Crowley, the answer is no! Not another word!

Crowley: She might not want to take us to places, you don't understand how serious that is, Angel! What if she never forgives me? What if... *parent's biggest fear* What if she has been car-napped? Or worse? Ran away on her own? She could be anywhere by now!

Aziraphale: *tries to be reassuring* Well, if she isn't here when we arrive, we can miracle her back, it will be fine, Cro-

Crowley: And hurt her even more, treating her like... like... well, a car? I cannot talk to you when you are delusional like that! You're really pissing me off, *makes childish faces* SuPrEmE ArChAnGeL. *crosses his arms* *looks away*

*New silence*

Aziraphale: What if I allow you to drink as much as you like?

Crowley: *mumbles* Not enough.

Aziraphale: Come on, I need you to meet me halfway!

Crowley: *gritted teeth* Not. Enough.

Aziraphale: *sighs in angry mom* What do you want?!

Crowley: I told you what I wanted. You just don't listen.

Aziraphale: We cannot bring the Bentley to Heaven, Crowley! This is not happening!

Crowley: Then I'm not coming back either. Simple. *shrugs in blackmail*

Aziraphale: *shocked*

Crowley: For the record: when humans get married, Angel, they usually do not reject their spouses' child. You... You're behaving like a nasty mother-in-law right now and I'm not having it.

Aziraphale: Did you just Lady Tremaine-labelled me? For real?!

Crowley: Yep. You're that mean. I cannot believe how quickly your new job had gone to that top hat-ed head of yours.

Aziraphale: ...

Crowley: How career changes people, isn't it just baffling.

Aziraphale & Crowley: *cross their arms and look away at the same time*

*ANOTHER silence*

Aziraphale: *defeated sigh* *literally cannot be mad at his hubby for more than 3 minutes* One Talisker barrel, only the plants that stayed in the Bentley and... the Bentley. IF, and ONLY IF she consents to be... huh... reduced in size a little.

Crowley: *yells in bad faith* Here, have some fatphobia, now! I've seen it all! *points a reproachful finger at his spouse* You're a disappointment, Angel.

Aziraphale: *starting to lose patience* Crowley...

Crowley: Two barrels.

Aziraphale: Do not push your luck, I swear...

Crowley: Have you not noticed I'm winning the argument by now, SuPrEmE aRcHaNgEl?

Aziraphale: This is. Not. About. Winning, Crowley! And it is so unfair you keep our Soirée hostage until you get what you want!

Crowley: I'm a demon, Angel. Demons tend to do that.

Aziraphale: Technically, you aren't anymore!

Crowley: We both know you never technically sent the form to make my re-Angelisation official, so I am technically AND in truth: *marks a pause* Still. A demon.

Aziraphale: Exactly! A nasty mother-in-law would never do such a thing!

Crowley: So?

Aziraphale: A raging bureaucrat either!

Crowley: So?

Aziraphale: And certainly NOT a basic Angel!

Crowley: *annoyed* SO?

Aziraphale: I need you to take that back! That was unfair and BEYOND mean, Crowley! *shaking lips*

Crowley: *growls* *rolls his eyes* FINE. *removes his glasses* Sorry, Angel. It was the worried parent speaking.

Aziraphale: *little smirk Crowley has never seen before* *so ready for his petty revenge* Not. Enough.

Crowley: *finds it super hot* *likes being imitated* *cannot concentrate anymore* You... hum... Okay, what do you want? *is wondering how he went from winning the argument to being a fair loser in a matter of a single no-so-angelic smirk*

Aziraphale: *ready to push his luck* How about... a little dance?

Crowley: Out of the question.

Aziraphale: Crowley...

Crowley: NO.

Aziraphale: Crowley...

Crowley: *feels his determination melt like ice at the heart of Hell* *gritted teeth* Fi-

Elevator: Earth. *neutral ding* *doors opens*

Aziraphale: *takes Crowley's hand in his* *looks at him with soft eyes*

Crowley: *cannot believe a SuPrEMe ArChAnGeL could ever make him swoon**longest sigh* Ughhhh. Let's get this over with.

Aziraphale: *recoils to enjoy the view better*

Crowley:

You were right,

You were right,

I was wrong,

You were righ-T. *sighs* Satisfactory enough, SuPrEmE aRcHaNgEl?

Aziraphale: Thank you, Cinderella. *leaves first in victory*