#wurqs

You guys. I have a lot of feelings about this movie so buckle up - many spoilers (if one can even spoil the plot of Little Women?) ahead! Note: this is one of my favorite childhood books. I had very strong opinions about it when I read it then. When Jo turned down Laurie, I honestly threw the book across the room, I was so upset. I grew up in the wilds of CT and felt a strong connection to Jo always. Our New England roots are so intertwined that my mom (who I saw this with) and I even knew the carriage master who worked on this film! We are so very white! I have seen every movie version (excepting the Lea Thompson modern day version which clearly DOES NOT COUNT). I even watched the Maya Hawke PBS cinema verite version last year! I did not like it! Clearly, the gold standard remains the 1994 Winona Ryder adaptation but what about this one? And what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.

We begin at the end. Because that is what Greta Gerwig has decided! Rather than make a strict adaptation of the novel, she turned the whole story on its side, its inside, and its outside. So the end somehow runs parallel with the earlier events in the story leading to a bizarre non linear narrative which honestly must have been really difficult to follow if you didn’t already know the story. I kept feeling grateful that my husband didn’t see this because he would have been so confused! And as someone who is very familiar with this book, I even was confused sometimes and had to use wigs to help me know where in the narrative I was! THANK YOU, WIGS!

The main hair that helped here was Florence Pugh’s bangs. THANK YOU, BANGS! When Amy is young, she has them and when she is old (aka 20) she does not. And here’s the thing: ALL THESE WIGS WERE GREAT. So great, in fact, that it was sometimes difficult to even determine who was wearing a wig, a fall, or just using their own hair. WHICH IS THE SIGN OF GOOD WIG WURQ!

The main wigs were that of Jo, Beth, and Aunt March with random bits and pieces on the others. I gotta say - I guess Florence Pugh and Emma Watson just have really nice hair?

Saoirse’s wigs were consistently good - even in the part where she sells her hair and has this sort of pixie cut! This could have gone the way of many a man wig where the back taper juts out but it did not! YAY!

And then there’s Beth. Here played by that chick from Sharp Objects and in this very ok red wig, for the first time I wondered: was Beth supposed to be on the spectrum? She was always the “quiet” March sister, who is shy and only likes playing the piano and taking care of poor kids with scarlet fever (warning: that does not end well!) But in this version, she seems to have seriously troubling social skills, plays with dolls well into her mid-teen years, and generally seems a little...slow? Was this a choice? My mom also took issue with the fact that she looked way too healthy, with red ruddy cheeks, to be dying of scarlet fever. ALSO! The non-linear storytelling of it all compresses both bouts of scarlet fever into one sequence, with the March patriarch finally coming home in the middle, which you can’t even celebrate for more than two seconds because then BETH DIES OF SCARLET FEVER YEARS LATER! WHAT.

And the patriarch of the March family SHOULD be celebrated because he is played by BOB ODENKIRK!! Obviously, as a man he plays second fiddle to the little WOMEN in this movie (get it?) but I could always use more Bob Odenkirk, always because he is wonderful.

The matriarch of the March family is played by Laura Dern, whose hair and acting are always flawless. Truly, I think having Laura Dern and Bob Odenkirk as your parents is already WINNING.

But then you get Meryl Streep as your aunt! Which means that Bob Odenkirk and Meryl Streep are siblings and I COULD WATCH AN ENTIRE MOVIE OF JUST THAT PLEASE. Anyway, Meryl Streep is of course perfect as is her old lady wig.

It should be noted that I could definitely watch an entire movie of just Meryl Streep turning down various men who offer to dance with her at Meg’s wedding. Please give me this sequel, I demand it.

Speaking of Meg’s wedding - it was nice! This was definitely THE YEAR of Florence Pugh to be wearing flower crowns but this time it did NOT end it with the death of a bear or boyfriend (#Midsommar). Again, Laura Dern is amazing and I worry for Beth. Not pictured: Meg’s hot husband! 

Speaking of hot husbands! The main issue with Little Women (as I reported at the beginning of this review) was always Jo’s refusal to marry her bff Laurie and instead marry this old German dude named Professor Bhaer. It was always confounding and bizarre, but this time Greta Gerwig explained it perfectly by casting this HOT AS HELL dude to play Bhaer and now all is understood and forgiven except for the fact that he’s French now for some reason and there wasn’t really any romantic buildup for them (mainly due to the weird non linear storytelling) but still: HE’S HOT SO I’LL ALLOW IT.

Also making Jo’s romantic decisions easier: Laurie was played by Timotheeeee Chamalet. I do not like Timotheeee Chamalet except that one time he played a total asshole in Lady Bird. My mom spent most of the movie asking me why Laurie was played by a 12 year old and I still don’t have an answer for that! He also wears these billowy shirts the entire time that a friend of mine compared to the Seinfeld puffy shirt and I can’t unsee that because it’s too accurate. ALSO! After (rightfully! For the first time!) turning Laurie down, this time Jo considers actually marrying him while he is off getting married to Amy in Europe seconds after her sister died and Jo even writes him a letter trying to take him back when she then has to go tear up and throw in a river like she’s the old lady in Titanic and honestly: THIS WHOLE SECTION OF THE MOVIE MADE ME VERY ANGRY! HARRUMPH! SAOIRSE YOU STAY, NOW CHAMALET AWAY!

Oh! Also! Chris Cooper plays Chamalet’s granddad and I cannot argue with this casting or this hair. Also: I totally forgot that Beth made him these truly outrageous slippers once and why did she never consider a career in cobblery? I feel like for her social condition, this would be a good idea? Also this screenplay leans HARD into the plight of 19th century womens’ finances so: this could have been an option were it not for the goddamned scarlet fever.

This movie almost won me over in the end with the lovely way it showed Jo’s school at Aunt March’s old house and how it allowed for all (living) March girls to explore their artistic eccentricities while also presenting Laura Dern with a cake with goddamned leaves on top of it AND WITH HOT BHAER YES. Still: the storytelling here is GARBAGE as is Chamalet as was that whole letter to Chamalet section. STILL: I must admit the wigs were good. 

In conclusion, THE WINONA RYDER LITTLE WOMEN IS THE ONLY LITTLE WOMEN PERIODT. But on the wig front....

VERDICT: WURQS

So I finally saw I, Tonya you guys! I had previously tweeted that there were many wig horrors to be had in this film but after a full viewing, I was surprised to find some wig wonders! And casting horrors. Let’s discuss:

First off: Margot Robbie was miscast in this role. This remains the elephant in the room for basically the entire film and it was something that I found almost impossible to get past. This is not to say that Robbie is bad - she is quite good and clearly tried to deglam herself in a Charlize Theron in Monster-type Oscar bid. And good for her for trying? However, where Theron lost herself in a role and made herself look like Aileen Wuornos, Robbie never stops looking like a thin actress in a frizzy wig. Her lithe body and chiseled cheekbones are in dire contrast to how Tonya Harding herself looked. She never stops being Margot Robbie trying desperately to be Tonya Harding. 

As a reminder, this is Tonya Harding. You are also reminded of how the actual Tonya Harding looked during the credit sequence which really drives home my point. I’m not saying actors in biopics have to look EXACTLY like the people they are portraying but gurlfriend is about 50 pounds lighter and a foot talker than Tonya. Here are some people who could have played this role better: AMY SCHUMER (OH GOD IT WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT), Amy Adams, Kristen Bell, literally 100 other actresses who are not Margot Robbie. Still, we’re not here to talk about casting (since I should just be left in charge of every casting and wig decision, duh) so let’s discuss wigs.

We first see Robbie playing Tonya at the age of 15 (another bizarre choice but?) in this short 80s ‘do. Yes, this is in theory a bad wig but let’s remember teased and dry 80s hair for a minute...this is actually pretty accurate. ‘80s wigs can easily become parodies of themselves (see: Stranger Things, basically anything set in the ‘80s) but this feels legit. 

I like that the consistency is random and the seamwork is good. It’s also not TOO fried to make it completely dried out. Along for the ride is Sebastian Stan (aka THE WINTER SOLDIER and let’s call him nothing different) as Jeff Gilloly and dude looks exactly like him. No wig necessary. Bravo!

The early scenes with these two are marked by highwater jeans and white sneakers and belts and vaguely feathered hair and you can almost see why these two idiots got together. Love, amiright?

Then come the early ‘90s. Oof. First off, here are the actual Jeff and Tonya. Sweater game on POINT. Anyway, the wigs soon try to catch up with these lewks.

Tonya is mainly seen with her hair in a ponytail skating to ZZ Top (who else?) and these lewks feel pretty spot-on hair-wise to the actual early ‘90s Tonya years.

The wigs are just the right amount of dried, frizzed, hairsprayed madness. 

And the seamwork holds up even through faces like this.

Tonya’s coach has a conservative bob which is fine and totally reminded me of about half my elementary school teachers.

Though most of my teachers did NOT own fabulous fur coats like this. I like the subtle bang spray that screams 1991. Accurate.

When the “incident” as they refer to it as the movie finally occurs, Tonya tries to get serious with this no-bang ‘do and this is the worst the wig looks since the seamwork isn’t masked by the bangs and the lacefront is more visible. Luckily, this is only for a short time and the bangs come back full throttle. Thank the lordt.

It should be noted that just as WINTER SOLDIER was perfectly cast as Jeff, this rando was perfectly cast as Shawn Eckhardt. Apparently his name (I googled it!) is Paul Walter Hauser and he damn near steals the entire movie with no wig assists.

Of course, no one is about to be outdone by Allison Janney EVER IN ANYTHING and she is absolutely on fire as Tonya’s horrible mom, LaVona. Also if there aren’t already like a dozen drag queens named LaVona Golden, I hope there are now. Back to Janney’s wig, this bowl cut of evil is pretty damn good. Solid texture, continuity and seamwork.

And it even ages with her and can withstand a horrible small bird!

Tonya also gets an older age wig (as does WINTER SOLDIER along with some facial prosthetics that make him look like a pudgy Matt Damon). This wig is probably the worst of the lot, but actually pretty on point with how Tonya looks now (please watch the 30 by 30 ESPN documentary on all of this if you haven’t already). 

This movie is definitely not perfect (and I won’t mention the bad casting again...oh wait I just did), but the wigs do stand up to triple axels, domestic battery, and the test of time. Therefore:

VERDICT: WURQS

When you were watching the John Wick movies, did you wish that Keanu Reeves was instead a hot lady in a blonde wig with a questionable English accent? When you were watching Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, did you wish that they replaced 98% of the men with a hot lady in a blonde wig who could kick Gary Oldman’s ass? Have you been yearning for a Cold War spy thriller that is basically a J’adore Dior perfume ad with bummer remixes of Falco songs and really well choreographed fight sequences? 

If you answered yes to these questions, Atomic Blonde is the venn diagram of all of these things and more! But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss (VAGUE SPOILERS AHEAD): 

We begin at the end, where a heavily bruised and battered Charlize Theron must recount the events (and wigs) of the previous 10 days to Toby Jones and John Goodman. At first glance, this wig is a platinum mess of dried out waves. But...but...isn’t that what the 80s are all about? The film is set in 1989 and this wig is serving me Debbie Harry realness. The texture is about right for an 80s dye job and the seams and inconsistency are great. 

As we flash back, we see a slicked down bob that is decidedly more  Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface. And I say amen! 

Over to Berlin, Charlize gets sultry in some de-frizzed finger curls and I mean...fine?

This movie loves showing Charlize when she’s just taken a shower and is sitting around her Tron hotel room in a Flashdance shirt listening to reel-to-reel tapes. I mean, whatever, FINE, but I can appreciate any wig that looks like wet hair when it’s wet (and not a scary wet wig!) 

At one point, Charlize crosses over to East Berlin in Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping cosplay (complete with custom brown contacts! Thorough!) She successfully crosses to the East and conveniently runs into a movie theater where she (SPOILER!) unceremoniously ditches this wig on the ground. Sacrilege! Not since that old lady threw priceless jewelry overboard in Titanic have I been so mad about the pointless abandonment of worthwhile accessories. Sure, this wig is about as ugly as that necklace BUT STILL. We also never get the explanation as to how Charlize was able to cross BACK to the West without this wig disguise and is plot hole #1 (of about 1000). 

Aaaaanyway, as we speed through action scene after action scene, I have to hand it to this wig for rolling with the punches and looking perfectly tousled and worn down.

And even bloody! No, this is not a scene from The Walking Dead!

In the end, Charlize dons some highly questionable Marion Cottilard cosplay to double (or triple?) agent her way into destroying a perfectly nice hotel room. Sure, this wig (much like the Sandra Bullock wig before it) sucks but we know it’s a wig so no matter. 

This movie doesn’t really add up to much other than proving that Charlize Theron is an ass-kicking machine, and your time should probably be spent watching John Wick again, but the wigs (that are being passed off as real hair)...well they’re pretty atomic. 

VERDICT: WURQS