#atomicblondewig

this is the cutest goddamn ask (amendment, half an hour later: i wrote this first sentence BEFORE I WROTE FIFTEEN FUCKING LINES OF PURE NONSENSE)

When you were watching the John Wick movies, did you wish that Keanu Reeves was instead a hot lady in a blonde wig with a questionable English accent? When you were watching Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, did you wish that they replaced 98% of the men with a hot lady in a blonde wig who could kick Gary Oldman’s ass? Have you been yearning for a Cold War spy thriller that is basically a J’adore Dior perfume ad with bummer remixes of Falco songs and really well choreographed fight sequences? 

If you answered yes to these questions, Atomic Blonde is the venn diagram of all of these things and more! But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss (VAGUE SPOILERS AHEAD): 

We begin at the end, where a heavily bruised and battered Charlize Theron must recount the events (and wigs) of the previous 10 days to Toby Jones and John Goodman. At first glance, this wig is a platinum mess of dried out waves. But...but...isn’t that what the 80s are all about? The film is set in 1989 and this wig is serving me Debbie Harry realness. The texture is about right for an 80s dye job and the seams and inconsistency are great. 

As we flash back, we see a slicked down bob that is decidedly more  Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface. And I say amen! 

Over to Berlin, Charlize gets sultry in some de-frizzed finger curls and I mean...fine?

This movie loves showing Charlize when she’s just taken a shower and is sitting around her Tron hotel room in a Flashdance shirt listening to reel-to-reel tapes. I mean, whatever, FINE, but I can appreciate any wig that looks like wet hair when it’s wet (and not a scary wet wig!) 

At one point, Charlize crosses over to East Berlin in Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping cosplay (complete with custom brown contacts! Thorough!) She successfully crosses to the East and conveniently runs into a movie theater where she (SPOILER!) unceremoniously ditches this wig on the ground. Sacrilege! Not since that old lady threw priceless jewelry overboard in Titanic have I been so mad about the pointless abandonment of worthwhile accessories. Sure, this wig is about as ugly as that necklace BUT STILL. We also never get the explanation as to how Charlize was able to cross BACK to the West without this wig disguise and is plot hole #1 (of about 1000). 

Aaaaanyway, as we speed through action scene after action scene, I have to hand it to this wig for rolling with the punches and looking perfectly tousled and worn down.

And even bloody! No, this is not a scene from The Walking Dead!

In the end, Charlize dons some highly questionable Marion Cottilard cosplay to double (or triple?) agent her way into destroying a perfectly nice hotel room. Sure, this wig (much like the Sandra Bullock wig before it) sucks but we know it’s a wig so no matter. 

This movie doesn’t really add up to much other than proving that Charlize Theron is an ass-kicking machine, and your time should probably be spent watching John Wick again, but the wigs (that are being passed off as real hair)...well they’re pretty atomic. 

VERDICT: WURQS