#hotbhaer

You guys. I have a lot of feelings about this movie so buckle up - many spoilers (if one can even spoil the plot of Little Women?) ahead! Note: this is one of my favorite childhood books. I had very strong opinions about it when I read it then. When Jo turned down Laurie, I honestly threw the book across the room, I was so upset. I grew up in the wilds of CT and felt a strong connection to Jo always. Our New England roots are so intertwined that my mom (who I saw this with) and I even knew the carriage master who worked on this film! We are so very white! I have seen every movie version (excepting the Lea Thompson modern day version which clearly DOES NOT COUNT). I even watched the Maya Hawke PBS cinema verite version last year! I did not like it! Clearly, the gold standard remains the 1994 Winona Ryder adaptation but what about this one? And what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.

We begin at the end. Because that is what Greta Gerwig has decided! Rather than make a strict adaptation of the novel, she turned the whole story on its side, its inside, and its outside. So the end somehow runs parallel with the earlier events in the story leading to a bizarre non linear narrative which honestly must have been really difficult to follow if you didn’t already know the story. I kept feeling grateful that my husband didn’t see this because he would have been so confused! And as someone who is very familiar with this book, I even was confused sometimes and had to use wigs to help me know where in the narrative I was! THANK YOU, WIGS!

The main hair that helped here was Florence Pugh’s bangs. THANK YOU, BANGS! When Amy is young, she has them and when she is old (aka 20) she does not. And here’s the thing: ALL THESE WIGS WERE GREAT. So great, in fact, that it was sometimes difficult to even determine who was wearing a wig, a fall, or just using their own hair. WHICH IS THE SIGN OF GOOD WIG WURQ!

The main wigs were that of Jo, Beth, and Aunt March with random bits and pieces on the others. I gotta say - I guess Florence Pugh and Emma Watson just have really nice hair?

Saoirse’s wigs were consistently good - even in the part where she sells her hair and has this sort of pixie cut! This could have gone the way of many a man wig where the back taper juts out but it did not! YAY!

And then there’s Beth. Here played by that chick from Sharp Objects and in this very ok red wig, for the first time I wondered: was Beth supposed to be on the spectrum? She was always the “quiet” March sister, who is shy and only likes playing the piano and taking care of poor kids with scarlet fever (warning: that does not end well!) But in this version, she seems to have seriously troubling social skills, plays with dolls well into her mid-teen years, and generally seems a little...slow? Was this a choice? My mom also took issue with the fact that she looked way too healthy, with red ruddy cheeks, to be dying of scarlet fever. ALSO! The non-linear storytelling of it all compresses both bouts of scarlet fever into one sequence, with the March patriarch finally coming home in the middle, which you can’t even celebrate for more than two seconds because then BETH DIES OF SCARLET FEVER YEARS LATER! WHAT.

And the patriarch of the March family SHOULD be celebrated because he is played by BOB ODENKIRK!! Obviously, as a man he plays second fiddle to the little WOMEN in this movie (get it?) but I could always use more Bob Odenkirk, always because he is wonderful.

The matriarch of the March family is played by Laura Dern, whose hair and acting are always flawless. Truly, I think having Laura Dern and Bob Odenkirk as your parents is already WINNING.

But then you get Meryl Streep as your aunt! Which means that Bob Odenkirk and Meryl Streep are siblings and I COULD WATCH AN ENTIRE MOVIE OF JUST THAT PLEASE. Anyway, Meryl Streep is of course perfect as is her old lady wig.

It should be noted that I could definitely watch an entire movie of just Meryl Streep turning down various men who offer to dance with her at Meg’s wedding. Please give me this sequel, I demand it.

Speaking of Meg’s wedding - it was nice! This was definitely THE YEAR of Florence Pugh to be wearing flower crowns but this time it did NOT end it with the death of a bear or boyfriend (#Midsommar). Again, Laura Dern is amazing and I worry for Beth. Not pictured: Meg’s hot husband! 

Speaking of hot husbands! The main issue with Little Women (as I reported at the beginning of this review) was always Jo’s refusal to marry her bff Laurie and instead marry this old German dude named Professor Bhaer. It was always confounding and bizarre, but this time Greta Gerwig explained it perfectly by casting this HOT AS HELL dude to play Bhaer and now all is understood and forgiven except for the fact that he’s French now for some reason and there wasn’t really any romantic buildup for them (mainly due to the weird non linear storytelling) but still: HE’S HOT SO I’LL ALLOW IT.

Also making Jo’s romantic decisions easier: Laurie was played by Timotheeeee Chamalet. I do not like Timotheeee Chamalet except that one time he played a total asshole in Lady Bird. My mom spent most of the movie asking me why Laurie was played by a 12 year old and I still don’t have an answer for that! He also wears these billowy shirts the entire time that a friend of mine compared to the Seinfeld puffy shirt and I can’t unsee that because it’s too accurate. ALSO! After (rightfully! For the first time!) turning Laurie down, this time Jo considers actually marrying him while he is off getting married to Amy in Europe seconds after her sister died and Jo even writes him a letter trying to take him back when she then has to go tear up and throw in a river like she’s the old lady in Titanic and honestly: THIS WHOLE SECTION OF THE MOVIE MADE ME VERY ANGRY! HARRUMPH! SAOIRSE YOU STAY, NOW CHAMALET AWAY!

Oh! Also! Chris Cooper plays Chamalet’s granddad and I cannot argue with this casting or this hair. Also: I totally forgot that Beth made him these truly outrageous slippers once and why did she never consider a career in cobblery? I feel like for her social condition, this would be a good idea? Also this screenplay leans HARD into the plight of 19th century womens’ finances so: this could have been an option were it not for the goddamned scarlet fever.

This movie almost won me over in the end with the lovely way it showed Jo’s school at Aunt March’s old house and how it allowed for all (living) March girls to explore their artistic eccentricities while also presenting Laura Dern with a cake with goddamned leaves on top of it AND WITH HOT BHAER YES. Still: the storytelling here is GARBAGE as is Chamalet as was that whole letter to Chamalet section. STILL: I must admit the wigs were good. 

In conclusion, THE WINONA RYDER LITTLE WOMEN IS THE ONLY LITTLE WOMEN PERIODT. But on the wig front....

VERDICT: WURQS