#badmanwigs

Bring on the brunch cocktails: Quentin Tarantino’s second to last (?) movie is here! How will we resurrect the careers of ‘90s hasbeens or know what ‘60s deep cuts to listen to after that?! If your answer is the Duffer Brothers, no thank you please. Anyway, let’s focus on this one, which does for the Manson murders what Inglorious Basterds did for the holocaust. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.

As you can see from these stills in which Brad Pitt basically has morphed into prime Robert Redford, this film is mainly wigless and better for it. It’s 1969 in Hollyweird, and Pitt plays Leonardo DiCaprio’s stunt double and most of the film is them being very handsome brunch buddies who I would love to sit around with eating pizza and watching old episodes of FBI. Pitt’s character’s main offense is being a dude who wears moccasins which is an indefensible crime no matter what the decade is. 

There are occasional wigs - which are wigs within the narrative - as seen here as Pitt wears a wig to double DiCaprio’s character. For the most part, these wigs are fine and since we know they are wigs, are pretty good!

But here we get into some murky wig gaslighting! As in other films where there are wigs which we understand to be wigs within the narrative of the film, as with this wig DiCaprio wears in the pilot of a western, BUT these wigs are just as good as wigs being passed off as actual hair! WHAT.

Again, here is a wig that we know to be a circa 1969 wig DiCaprio’s character wears in a western TV pilot. 

And here is a wig that DiCaprio’s character tries to pass off as ACTUAL HAIR THAT HE GREW OUT IN ITALY at the end of the film (apologies for photo quality - there aren’t many images of this wig). Regardless, this wig is not as good! The quality is terrible and as with all bad man wigs, it juts out at the back. WIG GASLIGHTING STRIKES AGAIN! 

Here’s another look at this damn thing. The wig DiCaprio wears in that damn western TV show is superior!! FOR SHAME.

Elsewhere, there are other bad man wigs lurking in every corner. We only get a few glimpses of this dude who plays Roman Polanski but none of them are great.

And beyond the bad wig, I’m pretty sure this costume came directly from the set of Austin Powers. Thanks, Mike Myers?

And just look at this frizzed out mess passing itself off as Steve McQueen. THE HORROR.

Many have found the portrayal of Bruce Lee to be troubling, but not enough has been said about how bad this wig is also! WHY CAN NO ONE MAKE THE BACK TAPER OF A MAN WIG WURQ?! WHY!

AND THEN THERE’S CHARLIE. I regret to inform you that this actor has played Charles Manson in like 2 other things and truly: WHAT A CAREER? I hope the other projects have superior wigs at least because WOOF.

Still this movie is pretty fun if you like: alternate realities, famous people playing other famous people, the children of famous people playing hippies, highly trained dogs, this one part that you think is gonna be like Psycho but then you remember Bruce Dern is in this, Emile Hirsch looking svelte, different hippies with dirty feet, the need to wikipedia some facts, ‘60s songs you forgot existed, and honestly a lot of flamethrowers. It also has made me realize my new life goal to be: Leonardo DiCaprio floating around a pool at midnight listening to a reel-to-reel in shortie pajamas drinking frozen margaritas directly out of the blender. So worth it?

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ (BUT YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THIS GIF)

Oh girl - this movie! I was very scared going into this experience - fearing that it would be a repeat of the piece of garbage from hell that is Bohemian Rhapsody. It ended up being much more like a slightly less homosexual version of Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again? Honestly, I have not enjoyed a gay trash fire like this since The Cher Show and hope the producers of that bring this to the Broadway stage immediately. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.

We begin in...the 80s? Unclear. Time and timelines do not matter in this movie and that is fine. Regardless, we begin with this phoenix lewk as Sir Elton barges in on....rehab and starts to relay his story. SURE? 

We are immediately transported back to 1950s suburban England where a cherubic child version of Elton starts singing and everyone on the street starts dancing and I understand 3 things: Elton’s songs are not going to be sequential, this is fully an actual MUSICAL which it wasn’t really billed as, and there is absolutely nothing more gloriously queer than a small child singing “The Bitch is Back” on the streets of ‘50s England.

AND THEN ELTON’S MOM. Played inexplicably by Bryce Dallas Howard in a cast off wig from The Help and a cast off accent from [insert American actor doing an ok English accent movie] , Elton’s (or should I say REGGIE’S!) mom is truly the kitchen sink of 50s English housewife stereotypes. Loud, demanding, philandering, and somehow warm and supportive (j/k not really!), this is the childhood horror Elton must confront (also: his MONSTER of a father, obviously). Oh and his sweet nan is played by Gemma Jones (aka the mom in Bridget Jones and Sense and Sensibility aka CORRECT). 

We are rushed through Elton’s sad childhood with his only escape being a piano phenom at the Royal Academy of Music which he abandons to be a pub piano player in the style of Elvis Presley. AND THEN TARON EGERTON takes over as Elton literally exploding into a choreographed carnival rendition of “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)” and truly WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS MOVIE MAYBE I LOVE IT. Except for the wig, which like all male wigs juts out in the back and is very distracting. Also: they decided to recreate Elton’s famous tooth gap with - I shit you not - blackout paint that kids buy to be a pirate for Halloween. YES REALLY.

It is then suddenly the late 60s and Elton is in a pub band that does back up gigs for American touring R&B bands and Elton tries to get a record contract in this neckerchief which is really quite lovely. He suddenly has a really shaggy tumbleweave of a wig and is paired with lyricist Bernie Taupin as played by Billy Elliot (yes, that is his name forever and always) and they immediately become BROTHERS. They say this a lot which is very in keeping with Bohemian Rhapsody but not as annoying. 

Billy Elliot’s wig is a bit better than Elton’s but it’s still a mess. Anyway, the dudes have no money and have to move back in with Elton’s mom though weirdly Elton has plenty of money for all the different prescription glasses in the world but again: this is not the movie for logic! Anyway, he writes “Your Song” and gets swept up in STARDOM, Y’ALL. 

Elton and Billy Elliot are immediately transported to Los Angeles for Elton to headline the Troubadour. Enter: Tate Donovan doing the best impersonation of that Californians SNL sketch and a new shaggy wig and glasses for Elton. Ok? All of Elton’s wigs at this point are very bent and upsetting and I get what they were going for but they’re still not good. 

At the after party, Billy Elliot abandons Elton to go have sex in a teepee in the backyard of Mama Cass’s house (yes, really?) and Elton is left to wander through the yard singing “Tiny Dancer”. It should be noted that Zaddy Taron has a very nice singing voice and should get any and all accolades bestowed on Rami Malek. It honestly baffles me why this movie was released in the summer and not next fall since it is about 50000 times better than Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyway, then Elton meets RICHARD MADDEN AKA ROBB STARK. Straight up: he is wearing the same wig as Bryce Dallas Howard!! And they are both the villains of Elton’s life/this movie. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. For now, though, Robb Stark is NOT the villain and is just a nice piece for Elton to have gay sex with and GREAT.

Elton’s star rises (as does his glasses budget!) and whilst in the recording studio with DAME KIKI DEE (in a very accurate wig), Robb Stark shows up again. The fact that Elton is literally recording “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” is clearly no coincidence because clearly: THIS DUDE IS GONNA BREAK IT GURL.

I cannot put too fine a point on the fact that this wig is the exact same wig that Bryce Dallas Howard is wearing. 

Was this a conscious thematic decision since they are both villains or just a budgetary device? I DEMAND ANSWERS.

Anyway, Elton and Robb’s lurve is shown through a fabulously homosexual kimono buying montage set to “Honky Cat” and truly: I want this to be on Broadway, please. Also Robb gets a haircut so I guess my wig theories might go out the window at this point (OR WILL THEY?!?!?)

Elton’s wig gets slightly more relaxed and his eyeglass budget truly goes through the friggin’ roof (to say nothing of his champagne and dessert budget). This wig is still a dried up, curling ironed piece of nonsense, fyi.

But then he cuts it off and starts losing his hair! This lewk is...passable at best? I mean, the receding hairline is fine but the quality is still not great. Clearly any money necessary for wigs in this movie was used on kimonos and truly: may we all be blessed with the kimono budget of Rocketman someday. MEANWHILE, Robb Stark is revealed to be a total d-bag but before Elton can deal with that, his mom in Robb’s old wig shows up. Don’t you hate when that happens??

This leads into a bizarre sequence wherein Elton falls into his pool only to be met with the child version of himself dressed as an astronaut and playing a tiny piano and then he gets his stomach pumped and then he plays a stadium show to a sea of computers posing as fans. The latter is the closest this movie gets into Bohemian Rhapsody territory, Billy Elliot brother lines aside THANK GOD.

As Elton has is drinking and drugging his life away, Billy Elliot and his soft wave yacht rock makeover is NOT HERE FOR IT. Also his entire character is basically paraphrased RuPaul taglines. At one point, he says some iteration of “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anybody else?” CAN I GET AN AMEN UP IN HERE?

Then on a random private jet, Billy Elliot finally takes his critically and financially profitable lyrics and goes the hell back to England. 

Which leaves Elton alone in this GODDAMNED HAT to make lesser music and marry a WOMAN (of all people!) and enjoy very expensive meals out with family members he hates. The side burn action in this whole lewk is also very upsetting. 

Aaaaanyway, in the end we return once again to Elton in rehab as he gets his life together and is visited by his BROTHER Billy Elliot in this amazing 80s ponytail leather daddy with a few old age lines lewk and I was very much here for it. I was not here for Elton’s bad man wig (LOOK AT THE BACK OF THIS THING!)

The film ends with a recreation of the “I’m Still Standing” video and truly - what a way to go out. They wisely chose not to recreate the video and instead to superimpose Zaddy Taron into it which means that the MVP of the movie is circa 1980s Bruno Tonioli dancing his friggin heart out (if you haven’t seen this music video, shame on you and click here). This movie is truly bizarre and wonderful and terrible and lovely all at the same time. The wigs are consistently bad, but if you can look past that, please go see it. Also in conclusion, have I mentioned yet that this movie is WAY BETTER THAN BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY WHICH IS GARBAGE.

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

Sometimes, there is a movie that so boldly defies the constructs of logic, time, plot, society, reality or gravity that we have to collectively decide if we can accept it as it is or let our eyeballs roll into the Mediterranean. And then sometimes that movie has a sequel. This is that sequel. This is 2018. Our lives are a garbage fire and this movie is a chardonnay soaked poncho blowing in the fake Greek breeze. I suggest we soak it up because it might be all we have left that might bring us joy. EVEN THE WIGS. Let’s discuss. 

We begin 10 years after the last movie (or maybe just 5? Or maybe sometime in the early aughts for the flashback timeline to work or maybe just who cares?) and we are dealt a terrifying blow that no movie should ever start with: MERYL STREEP IS DEAD. WHAT. NO. WHY THOUGH. Like everything in this movie, it is not explained why or how this happened. It is just something we must sadly accept and move on to learning more about her former self as played by Lily James because just go with it.

Back in England (?) of 1979 (??? again, do NOT do the math), Meryl Streep aka Lily James aka Donna has just graduated from college with her two best gal pals (aka the Dynamos) and has used it as a forum for singing b-side ABBA songs. Most of the a-side ABBA songs were used in the last movie so just take what you can get. 

Lily James is fine and doesn’t wear a wig and is perpetually tan and being called brave and has a nice singing voice and falls in water a lot. She is certainly no Meryl Streep but we must all count our lucky stars that Young Donna was not played by Anne Hathaway or (SHUDDER) Taylor Swift. THINK ABOUT THAT. Her two gal pals (aka young Tanya aka Christine Baranski and young Rosie aka Julie Walters) do have wigs and they are actually ok! The pixie cut on Rosie is a little upsetting but it’ll do in a pinch and this Tanya bob is 1000x better than anything Evangelline Lilly wore in Ant-Man.

The most troubling part of these flashbacks with Tanya and Rosie is that we are led to believe that their fabulous girl band, DONNA AND THE DYNAMOS are not actually as fabulous or world-renowned as the first movie (or stage play) would have had us believe. I guess they just performed maybe in college and had some great bellbottom costumes and ultimately just performed once for a few Greek people at some rando restaurant? Huh? Still, great bellbottoms.

We also meet the young versions of all of Amanda Seyfried’s would-be dads! First up is Young Sam (aka Colin Firth) in this busted ass wig. Man wigs are always bad and this one is...not great. This is the best wig of the trio and he’s the best singer of the dads, though, and gets the one non-b-side: WATERLOO! As performed by a French waitstaff in Napoleon costumes because OF COURSE.

Back to that hair: please someone make better man wigs.

We then meet Young Bill (aka Stellan Skarsgard). He is absolutely the most handsome of the dads but is wig is: WOOF.

Even covered up in a sailor hat: I see you, wig.

We then meet Young Sam (aka Pierce Brosnan) - Donna’s ain’ true love who she ends up with before dying for some reason. Sadly, Young Sam is the least attractive and has the worst wig of all the dads.

LOOK AT THIS SCRAGGLY ASS THING. When he ultimately breaks Donna’s heart I wasn’t even sad (also because we know they get back together) because GOODBYE BAD WIG.

Back in present day (????) all the dads are looking good and wigless and having the goddamned time of their lives dancing on boats and wearing whatever the hell quilted shirts because WHO EVEN CARES YOU DO YOU. There are many many more b-side ABBA songs to be sung!

A friend of mine described the musical sequences as feeling like karaoke videos which vaguely have a plot but really make no sense. This is exactly right and the whole movie basically is a long strung together collection of karaoke videos which as a whole add up to less than nothing plot-wise but truly everything fun-wise.

Speaking of fun: Christine Baranski and Julie Walters.These two ladies are having the wine-soaked Mediterranean girls trip of our goddamned dreams. Julie is wig-less and Christine’s wig is as perfect as her high kicks. The quality of this wig - the texture and perfect imperfections - rival perhaps only Julianna Margulies as far as wigs you could wear every day to work and fool all of America’s moms in the process. And for that, this movie clearly has the correct priorities. May we all be blessed with Christine Baranski’s wig budget someday in our lives. 

WAIT I TAKE IT BACK. MAY WE ALL BE BLESSED WITH CHER’S WIG BUDGET. So yes - EFFING CHER is in the movie. Yes, she is 3 years older than her “daughter,” Meryl Streep but as I said: DO NOT DO MATH IN RELATION TO THIS MOVIE. 

So here’s the thing: if we view this as hair that Cher is passing off as real hair, then....this wig is a no for me. But who are we kidding? Cher hasn’t showed up without a wig in almost as long as our Lady of Perpetual Wigs, Dolly Parton so of COURSE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THIS IS A WIG IN THE CONTEXT OF THE MOVIE. So on that level, this wig is basically RuPaul quality which is to say: PERFECT.

Also Cher wears 2 WIGS (and this second one is truly blessed by Mama Ru) so: yes, we should definitely believe these are just great wigs. And like everything in this movie: JUST GO WITH IT HAVE FUN. This movie is a fever dream of nonsense but OH MY GOD do I want to just live in it.

I truly believe that the only antidote for the garbage fire of 2018 is Cher walking down some stairs in a silver tinsel bolero singing “Fernando” to Andy Garcia wearing a neckerchief while fireworks go off in the background and 200 gay men applaud (I saw this in Chelsea). If this scene cannot cure what ails you, then we are all just doomed. 

Oh and Meryl DOES show up in the end to sing us all into a sobfest and why did they have to kill her off again? SOBBING.

In the end, my verdict was a tough call because all 3 young dad wigs are so godawful but both young and old Christine Baranski wigs are wonderful and: EFFING CHER. Since there is no math in this movie, and just because, I’ve gotta go with Cher.

VERDICT: WURQS

2018 is a giant garbage fire (which has been building daily since, say, November 8, 2016). This summer, two movies have offered us solutions: 1) Run screaming from it into a wine soaked caftan (Mamma Mia Here We Go Again) or 2) Meet it face to face while examining how we got here. BlacKkKlansman offers the latter, and it is brilliant. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.

John David Washington (yes, Denzel’s son) plays Ron Stallworth in the true story of how the black undercover detective infiltrated the KKK in Colorado Springs circa 1979. 

Stallworth himself has commented that his actual afro was about an inch or more shorter, but Spike Lee knows that the bigger the hair, the closer to god and this wig is GOOD. Like Key & Peele level good (which is the best level, of course). There are no visible seams, the texture and uniformity is right on. Jordan Peele was a producer on this film so clearly he held the wigs to his own high standard.

There was an excellent profile last week in the NY Post (of all places) about the lady wigmaster who brought these lewks to the screen. In it, she discusses wanting to get natural hair aesthetic from the 70s right (as it differs from today) while also varying the different styles of afros. Here, we see Ron’s very tight and circular coiffe compared to Patrice (his Black Student Union love interest’s) more uneven and freeflowing lewk. 

The subtle yet telling differences in all the different afros in the film are truly next level art and all these wigs WURQ. 

And then there’s David Duke. In wigs as it is in life (especially in this film), white dudes really have to ruin everything. (To be fair, there is also a super racist white lady in this movie but she doesn’t wear a wig). Anyway, I think we can all agree that the #1 racist in this movie (and probably still very high in the running in real life?) is KKK Grand Wizard, David Duke. And much like him, his wig is terrible!

Granted, David Duke in the 70s looks pretty much like Topher Grace in a bad wig (yes, Topher - this is what dating Ivanka gets you). But look at how fluffy and blown out this is! Saturday Night Fever era John Travolta would be so proud (of the hair at least). 

Nothing like the greased down, bent and bothered nonsense you see before you. And the part. AND THE PART. If big hair does make you closer to god, I will say that this matted down mess only does its job in that David Duke is incredibly godless (Editor’s note: my use of this quote twice in one review is meant to show my affinity for Steel Magnolias, as Dolly Parton is my god). 

I guess I should mention that there are some ok (wigless) white dudes in this movie, including Adam Driver as the dude who has to pose as Ron in person. I usually find Adam Driver to be the person equivalent of Bushwick but this movie made me actually tolerate him. Progress!

Back to Topher, as with most male wigs (which are all usually terrible), the most tellingly bad part is the back. Like most bad male wigs, this thing juts out at the back - the taper is all off! NO THANK YOU. Just look at the meeting of these two wigs. In every single way, good vs. evil.

AND ANOTHER THING: LOOK AT THAT PART AGAIN! NOOOOO. Also why do racists have to ruin everything including capes? GODDAMIT. 

In the end, my wig judgment comes down to this: can a film full of fabulous afrotastic lewks trump one very bad man wig on a racist? 

The film ends looking back at our recent past - to the terrible Charlottesville Unite the Right rally and its counterprotests; I’m sure it was no coincidence that this film was released almost exactly a year later. This is a very depressing end to an ultimately depressing movie. And yet, this year, the Unite the Right rally had an incredibly low turnout with thousands attending the counterprotests. I cannot help but take that as a small sliver of hope in this continuing garbage fire that is America. And in the same vein, I choose to believe that a film teaming with masterfully executed black wigs DOES trump one sloppy white dude wig.

VERDICT: WURQS