It's been a beat since I've blogged but I've obviously just been HOLDING SPACE FOR "FINDING GRAVITY" and now the world is *FINALLY* on my level. The world is also sort of a post apocalyptic shambles but THERE'S ALSO A PAUL TAZEWELL COLLECTION AT TARGET because the only economy is the Wicked economy so why not go down this three hour yellow brick road of nonsense together (before we have to wait a whole other lifetime for the goddamned second act, y'all). There are just so many wigs to discuss in this one. Note: spoilers if you somehow have avoided this 20 year old musical but also care enough to read a wig review of the first act cinema adaptation? I'm not here to judge your life choices; just wigs.

We begin in the vast technicolor poppy fields of Muchkinland where the diminutive inhabitants live in a small circle of huts, presumably in constant opium-hazed slumbers so that they might forget that 90% of them are wearing the same crinkled off-brand Annie Warbucks wig. Actual question: did someone decide for budgetary purposes to save money on this multi-million dollar film ONLY by purchasing every community theater production of Annie's wigs for the munchkins?!?! THIS IS THE ONLY VIABLE EXPLANATION.

Anyway, the munchkins are all celebrating - not because they have been released from the shackles of their sad, ginger-headed, drug-fueled lives - but because the THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!! CUE THE WICKED WITCH WICKER MAN BURNING PARTY!!! You might be feeling like Mariah Carey about the Wicked Witch right now because "I don't know her!" and all we've seen so far in this movie are 10000000 orphan Annie wigs but don't worry: you have at least 8 more hours of this movie to get so closely ensconced in wicked witchery that you might have your own Target line by the end of it.

But no time for questions now: ONLY BUBBLES! Hey, this one has Ariana Grande in it! Dressed in what can only be described as the Coming to America wedding dress if it were on a very white Barbie, Ariana's Glinda greets the munchkins, who react as if they have been, well, on a ton of opium. Her wig is another matter entirely: a dusty affair thankfully rolled up under a Ms. Universe crown. In comparison to the munchkins' sad wigs, it is adequately "fine" but there's so much more time to explore Glinda's wig horrors. One bold munchkin asks Glinda if she was friends with the evil, dead, witch and the rest his history (and also the other 9 hours of this movie).

We flashback to Shiz University, a place that exists not in time, space, reality, but rather....on the Greek-adjacent leftover sets of Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again? The rules of Shiz are as non-existent as Mamma Mia math: students of LITERALLY ANY AGE can attend, everyone has to wear blue and grey (EXCEPT THOSE WITH SINGING ROLES), and (most of?) the munchkins have to wear orange-swirly sweater vests (to match their orange wigs?!?!) oh, and also NO GREEN PEOPLE ALLOWED, EVER.

Glinda glides in on a gondola of pink luggage, wearing her own pink Shiz uniform (ONLY GLINDAS OR GUUUULINDAS ALLOWED), and a wig that was clearly hexed by the same wigmaster that has been cursing Nicole Kidman for centuries. As with AMC's favorite specter, this wig is a color that does not exist in the living world. It is the ghost of platinum, coated in dust. The texture is brittle and dry, the part at the scalp looks like a magazine flipped open to an ad for Chico's (every day at Shiz IS A CHICO'S KIND OF DAY). The Ms. Haversham of wigs, this is what Halloween cobweb decorations would look like as a wig. THIS WIG IS VERY VERY BAD. Which is a shame because Ariana, like Glinda herself, is very very good.

And then there's Elphaba. This movie gives Cynthia Erivo the reveal she deserves - you may not have known her before but now you and you and you - you're gonna love her. Her wig does not reach the level of divadom that its star requires, but in comparison with Ariana's haunted leftover Rachel McAdams as Regina George wig, it is almost a thing of beauty. The mini braids serve the character well, as does the larger braid; this is definitely the best Elphaba's look gets despite Guuuulinda's later attempts at a makeover.

In this version of Wicked, Elphaba is only at Shiz to assist her younger sister, NessaRose, whose name is the most insufferable part of her character. This wig, like the character is squeaky clean and without fault. This is honestly the most realistic looking wig in the film. Meanwhile: who is this dude playing their dad and why is he (rudely!) not played by Norbert Leo Butz?!?! Anyway, Elphaba uses her ragemagic to combat Shiz's abelism which somehow gets her registered as a student herself?? Y'all the rules of Shiz are as confounding as a Pinot Grigio soaked caftan in Mamma Mia.

Anyway, Elphaba ends up having to share a room with Guuuuulinda and there are many (many!) scenes about them hating each other, only leading to me hating Guuuuuulinda's wig more. Even an ensemble of not so great wigs couldn't breathe life into it. This wig is truly night of the living dead. Side note: I don't know when we're getting another season of Wednesday but this whole section of the movie is another season of Wednesday.

ANYWAY! Jonathan Bailey! GIRL. No longer held back by the constrains of heteronormative Bridgerton storylines, girlfriend is just living her best life and dancing DICK FIRST through this movie. Also: basically all choreography in this movie is dick first?!?! The whole of Oz leads with their pelvis. I'M NOT MAD ABOUT IT. I'm also just not mad about Olivier Award Winning Jonathan Bailey and how much damn fun he is having in this movie. HIS WIG IS EVEN FUN!! He clearly made a deal with the wigmaster to dusty up Ariana's cobwig and give all the extra volumnizer and bounce to his own. GET IT GURL. Male wigs, as we know, suffer from rear taper but there is none of that here because, as I said, Jonathan is not concerned with the rear but DICKFIRSTDICKFIRSTDICKFIRST.

Bowen Yang's face says it all: ARIANA'S THIRSTY WIG IS ONLY BRINGING JOHNNY DOWN! THANKUNEXT. (Also Bowen's wig is fine, who cares, his glasses do all the talking). Also I assume that both Bowen and Cynthia's glasses will be arriving at a Moscot near you imminently.

NessaRose's wig somehow gets curlier (whenever a character's hair gets curlier and/or blonder we know she is about to crack but we'll have to wait for the second movie for that). Also: SPONGEBOB'S wig is ok!!!

AND THEN! Ariana's haunted wig attempts to makeover Cynthia's and the results are as horrifying as you would assume. THIS WIG WAS NOT MEANT TO BE UNBRAIDED. Also: Ariana's constant hair flips only showcase how awful her wig is. NO!

Anyway, Ariana eats allll the scenery in Popular (girl understood the assignment, she is good!) and then gives Cynthia one fossilized flower - makeover complete! HUH. Please get Cynthia to the Wonder Woman island of fishtail braidology stat - this wig was not meant to be unbraided!

I just realized that I neglected to discuss Michelle Yeoh's wig. I may be in the minority here but I kind of think she is miscast - she can't sing!!! AND I LOVE MICHELLE YEOH!! They didn't even give her any cool fight choreography to balance out her lack of musical ability - missed (Shizzed?) opportunity!! Anyway, her wig is probably the most whimsical of anyone's in the film and I LIKE THAT!! Also Jeff Goldblum's is essentially the same wig, but tapered not stirred. I'm also not sure Jeff Goldblum was made aware that he was even filming a movie. I assume this is how he just leads his life?

In the end (of part 1), I definitely cried at the 4 hour rendition of DEFYING GRAVITY but I also weeped endlessly over this haunted ass wig!!! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT ARIANA DID TO A WIGMASTER TO BE GIVEN THIS!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Welcome to our weekly roundup of cherished news bits! This week’s batch: 

☠ Ray Harryhausen, the grandfather of special effects and stop-motion animation, is honored with an Oklahoma museum exhibition.

☠ At least one Star Wars animator took LSD during production.

☠ Evidence of Babylonian destruction of Jerusalem unearthed in City of David.

☠ A ghostly Russian radio station has been broadcasting since 1982. No one knows why.

☠ Incredible underwater photos capture sharks in fish tornado.

☠ How a Wolf bot helps scare wildlife away from farmers’ crops in Japan.

☠ This bourbon maker’s daughter slams the family business for years of homophobia.

☠ A show directed by David Lowery about a rocket scientist cum sex occultist is coming to your TV screen soon.

☠ The WigWurq reviews are in: the wigs wurq’d by the gorgeous ladies of wrestling in the Netflix series GLOW are wurq’ing.

☠ Here’s another gorgeous eighties lady and a video where everything werks. Including the crinkle wrap.

Oscar season is OVER! Now it’s back to trashy TV! The absolute trashiest show I watch (and that’s staying a lot!) is back: BRIDGERTON!!!! This season is all about eldest brother Anthony, some new love interests, definitely NOT THE DUKE, and also and most importantly: FRAN BRIDGERTON! Much like my review of last season, I will be mainly focusing on the most mysterious member of the Bridgerton family, Francesca, who left for about 98% of last season to learn the pianoforte AND I WISHED I WAS WITH HER. Now she’s back (OR IS SHE?) oh and there are also some wigs. Let’s discuss.

EPISODE 1 - Capital R Rake

OMG LOOK IT’S FRAN!!!!! Right up in front! FRAN! YES! The Bridgertons have (mainly) all gathered for something very exciting on the other side of a door. This show is all about eavesdropping and familial togetherhood so this feels fair. Missing, of course, is Colin who is abroad somewhere and THE DUKE who was banished from this season for being too hot but Disney Daphne is there in a wig that can only be described as “Stockholm Syndrome Era Belle.” Also absent is Demi Moore Bridgerton (Eloise!) because that is what they’re all looking at...

DEMI MOORE IS A DEB YOU GUYS! Dressed as a Toulouse-Lautrec painting minus the absinthe, Demi Moore looks about as pleased as anyone would look if their entire family gathered together to see a giant feather on top of her head. Demi is outtttt this season which means the family is gonna try to marry her off but who are we kidding? This is ANTHONY Bridgerton’s season and Demi isn’t getting hitched anytime soon. BUT WHO WILL ANTHONY MARRY?!?!

THIS HORSE GIRL!!! Her name is Kate Sharma, she LOVES HORSES, hates men, has a backstory of questionable lineage, and a wig of ever changing lengths. ANTHONY IS TOTALLY MARRYING THIS BITCH. I’m here for it and honestly this braided wig isn’t bad.

However, Kate’s wig changes lengths constantly whether in a braid, some tendrils, or an updo. Anyway, she just wants to get her wide-eyed (and very Disneyfied) sister married off (hello love triangle!). Edwina Sharma is basically an Indian DD but without the upsetting bangs? She is very sweet and will 100% have her heart broken somehow. They’re staying with my favorite badass, Lady Danbury, and brought their corgi along with them without asking which is a power move made by absolute kweens. 

Lady Danbury, who always has some long grift going, sees that Kate is definitely onto some con and yes - she is! I guess Kate’s long lost aristocratic grandparents (who will definitely show up later and be totally horrible) have said they’d un-disown them if Edwina marries a gentleman (HM WHAT WILL HAPPEN). Kate obvs doesn’t tell her sister this and Lady Danbury correctly thinks that’s a bad idea. Side note: WHERE DO THESE BITCHES KEEP ALL THESE TIARAS?!

Anyway, Anthony claims he’ll marry whoever the queen’s “diamond” is and of course it’s Edwina and then Kate conveniently overhears him telling his disgusting dude friends who I hope I never see again about how he’s just gonna marry whatever rando whatever who cares and Kate is all HOW DARE YOU!! It is so hysterically obvious that this is all based on The Taming of The Shrew even down to the names and you guys, I can’t. These two assholes are for sure falling in love and adopting like 1000 horses duh. 

FRAN WATCH: THE MOST FRAN EVER YOU GUYS!!! Not only is Fran around for Demi’s big feather reveal but she also accompanies the family to the season debut with the queen or whatever it’s called which Demi gets to skip due to Lady Whistledown existing again. Fran then ACTUALLY PLAYS THE PIANOFORTE so that Demi can learn to dance and I love that this show is trying to make it seem like it was worth it for Fran to miss DD’s wedding to learn a musical instrument but like sure?

EPISODE 2 - Off to the Races

I fully didn’t talk about Pen last episode! I love Pen. She is my Derry Girl and she needs to get more respect from everyone around her when not using her, well, PEN to be Lady Whistedown. But more importantly, Derry Girl needs a better wig!! The budget clearly is improved for season 2 but somehow this wig is just worse!!! HOW IS ANYONE EXPECTED TO THINK THIS IS HAIR?!?!?! Everything about it screams off-brand Merida from Brave and truly she deserves better. Oh also, her entire family (the Cinderella Clan) has a new ruler who absolutely sucks - he’s pompous, selfish, and annoying aka he fits in perfectly. Also her sister now gets to get married. Mazel?

Also! Colin is back to the delight of basically no one except Derry Girl and the younger Bridgertons and yes THAT INCLUDES FRAN. Now that all the Bridgertons have reassembled, it’s time to immediately go to the races as if this wasn’t something they had planned on doing forever. Edwina is paired with some rando dude who seems nice enough and sure maybe marry him and not Anthony. Kate is paired with some dude who has heard of India so they talk about how awful English tea is or something. Both Sharma girls’ wigs are definitely the best of the season. Anthony shows up and is a complete asshole who demands lemonade and it’s discovered that Kate’s date was just a ruse for him to get closer to Edwina. RUDE! Kate is mad but also wins at all the horse races because she knows so much about horses. Also this entire scene is basically straight out of that one scene in My Fair Lady and/or Pretty Woman depending.

Also when all the Bridgerton boys get together they......fence? Seems legit. The creative one (Benedict) still claims to NOT be gay but like sure honey. Also Colin is so insufferable talking about his trip abroad like that one friend you had who studied in Paris and refuses to stop wearing berets. He also is still paying games with Derry Girls’ heart by saying his trip made him realize he was in love with....HIMSELF? Yeah that adds up. Derry Girl, you can do better! 

Meanwhile, Derry Girl is almost found out by her best friend Demi who really is being a detectress about the Lady Whistledown type setting and truly: I wish this show was all about fonts? Anyway...Derry Girl goes to some poor people market to get a new type key and throw Demi off her trail and of course is spotted by everyone’s favorite dress maker, Madame Delacroix!!! To be fair, Derry Girl (using an Irish accent! YES!) is wearing the most RIDICULOUSLY CONSPICUOUS BLUE CAPE TO THIS MARKET! She’s legit dressed like OG Cinderella’s fairy godmother and is like: wait how did I get spotted amongst the unwashed in this very fancy baby blue satin cape?!?! CHOICES PEOPLE.

Speaking of important life choices through fashion, Demi wore THIS HAT to the races! CAN YOU EVEN?!?!?! WHAT CENTURY IS IT?? I also really don’t understand what they’re doing with this wig which is just sitting there and would never be allowed but Demi doesn’t know what she’s doing either because she goes to the printing press to try to uncover Lady Whistledown and is super rude to a printing dude there who is also a lowgrade suffragist and wow these two are definitely gonna bone. 

FRAN WATCH: NEVER ENOUGH FRAN!! Despite being semi excited to see Colin, Fran was not featured enough in this episode. I DEMAND MORE PIANOFORTE! EARN IT GIRL!

EPISODE 3 - A Bee In Your Bonnet

We begin with a decade old flashblack! Anthony is a teenager and has...REDDISH HIGHLIGHTS?!?! I don’t know what games this hair is trying to play with my heart but this flashback is playing with all our hearts because it shows how Viscount Bridgerton died and do you remember crying at My Girl? WELL. Get yourself an epipen and stay away from the bees, y’all! 

Back in present times, DD and HER BABY are back but definitely NOT THE DUKE NEVER THE DUKE. FRAN IS THERE!! She tells Eloise to hold DD’s baby! Eloise does not want to! FRAN LOVES THE BABY! YAY FOR FRAN! Boo for DD’s weird bangs still.

The whole Bridgerton family is off to their country estate and if you’re wondering why they don’t live here ALL THE TIME the answer is definitely: BEE GHOSTS. Anthony is HAUNTED through this episode by his dad’s bee death and sadder still his mom’s depression and near death during childbirth which was somehow left up to him as teenage viscount. Olde Times were ROUGH you guys. Also rough? DEMI’S WIG!! I don’t know why this is a wig (the actress’s hair is similar) or why it’s allowed to be down or why anything but whatever - let’s all play some really intense version of croquet?

This episode spends A LOT of time explaining the rules of Pall Mall which is like croquet but EXTREME and the Bridgertons are totally that family who would play extreme frisbee or whatever if they were around now. Sporty families, man. UGH. DD is there SANS THE DUKE and her wig is as unacceptable as his absence. The Sharma girls remain with the best wigs of the season. Also of course, Kate’s pall mall ball goes into the forest and she and Antony basically take a mud bath which is the second most erotic secret forest mud bath this side of The Power of the Dog. It’s all sexy until they uncover Anthony’s dad’s grave. BEE GHOSTS GET YOU EVERY TIME. 

I really lost track of how many times these assholes almost kissed in this episode but the most insane one was when Kate gets stung by a bee and Anthony has a panic attack about it (MAKES SENSE!) and then she puts his hand on her heaving breast and you guys...THIS SHOW. They still haven’t kissed. And Anthony still hasn’t explained how he got rid of his teenage red highlights.

Meanwhile, the creative one wants to go to art school (SURE HENNY!) and in a series of scenes in which this show attempts to be...”funny” (???) he takes mushroom (?) tea supplied by Colin’s stupid overseas travels and trips his balls off and everyone is just like SHRUG that’s our creative brother for you! AND THIS CHARACTER IS HIGH ON TEA AND YOU’RE TELLING ME HE’S NOT GAY?!?!? He got into art school though so let’s see where this goes.

ANYWAY! Derry Girl and Madame Delacroix, now aware of all the Lady Whistledown secrets, form a super cool business lady club where they help each other and I’ve never been so excited about business lady specials since Romy & Michele you guys. 

FRAN WATCH: STILL NOT ENOUGH FRAN! Sure, she’s excited to be an auntie to a very cute baby and shame Demi for not liking children but WHY COULDN’T SHE PLAY PALL MALL?!?!?! JUSTICE FOR FRAN!

EPISODE 4 - Victory

I really haven’t spoken enough about how awful the Cinderella Clan’s wigs are ALWAYS but honestly all of their red wigs hurt my eyes so I’d rather see and discuss them as little as possible. But their current situation is: POVERTY! And by that I mean: they have but ONE servant. Peasants!! In order to improve their situation, mama Featherington has decided to marry her non-Derry Girl daughter off to THEIR COUSIN WHO LIVES WITH THEM. Complicating matters is of course: CRESSIDA! Cressida who ALWAYS has a stink face. Cressida who always has a wig that looks like a Maury episode of weave wars. Cressida who will ALWAYS be the other woman. Cressida who has the audacity to be named CRESSIDA. MAY SHE NEVER CHANGE.

MEANWHILE, the Bridgertons are now hosting like all of London at their fancy countryside mansion which is definitely still haunted by BEE GHOSTS. All the dudes get to go on a cool hunting expedition and of course, horse girl Kate wants in on the action. The patriarchy says NO but then kind of shrug I guess AS LONG AS YOU BRING YOUR LADYMAID WHO CANNOT WALK THROUGH A FOREST. Obviously, this leads to ample opportunities for Kate and Anthony to almost kiss but more importantly leads to Kate wearing the SHIT OUT OF THIS HAT.

Whilst in the country, Colin decides to pay a visit on his long lost secret ex-fiance that he is still pining after: Marina who is now a fancy aristocrat with a nice husband and TWINS. Mazel! When her husband comes home, he and Colin literally start talking about OLIVE TREES just like two insufferable Euro bros would and this gives Colin the opportunity to tell Marina he’s still not over her. Marina, who you may recall came to this show pregnant, then had to live with the awful Cinderella Clan who almost married her off to the worst dudes in London, then her lover died, then she almost had to marry Colin and then was last minute married to her lover’s brother has honestly DONE PRETTY WELL FOR HERSELF CONSIDERING has ZERO time for Colin’s fee-fees. GOOD FOR YOU, MARINA!! LITERALLY GET OVER YOURSELF COLIN AND GO BACK TO GREECE NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOU HERE!!!!

Well I guess except Derry Girl who is still pining over this loser and still has the worst wig on this show. Truly: get this chick a better wig!!! ALSO WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO DANCE WITH HER?!?! Demi is forced to dance with some rando who she burns immediately but I guess no one is dancing with her because of her terrible family’s plan to marry her sister off with her cousin. Which actually turns into an engagement of nonsense in an ORANGERIE!!! I want all bad marriage proposals to happen near citrus fruit because at least no one will get scurvy. Joke is definitely on the Cinderella Clan because the cousin is actually poor and needed Cressida’s weave war money but oh well: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ORANGERIE DOESN’T STAY IN THE ORANGERIE. D’oops!

Back on the dance floor, these assholes STILL. HAVE. NOT. KISSED. I really don’t know what games they are playing with us but Kate’s wig is definitely getting the tendril treatment and despite being one of the better wigs on this series, still is all over the place with how long it wants us to think her real hair is. After the ball, Anthony confides to Kate about all the BEE GHOSTS and her hair is in this messy braid that is definitely 50% longer than the wig above would lead us to believe. More unbelievable: THEY STILL HAVEN’T KISSED AND SHE’S LIKE JUST MARRY MY SISTER. Disaster!

The episode ends with an actual proposal! Kate’s face says it all: THIS IS SO STUPID!! Also her wig is looking not that great here but I think this wig realizes just how dumb this proposal is.

FRAN WATCH: ZERO FRANS!!!!! Even with the entire Bridgerton clan (INCLUDING DD) on the front steps as this stupid engagement happens. WHERE IS FRAN?!?!! FRAN KNOWS HOW STUPID THIS ALL IS! TAKE ME WITH YOU, FRAN!

EPISODE 5 - An Unthinkable Fate

I realize that I haven’t talked about the queen’s insane wigs at all. This is because we know them to be wigs within the narrative of the show and I am only concerned with wigs trying to pass themselves off as real hair. Still, these wigs are elaborate and fabulous (THERE IS EVEN A BLUE ONE YOU GUYS) and befitting a real queen (drag or otherwise). Clearly the entire wig budget went to her and honestly: spare some $$ for Derry Girl please!

I mean spare some money for any of the Cinderella Clan? No really: they need money and not just for wigs! Due to the orangerie proposal, they are now moving forward with just marrying this sister off to her cousin so they can keep their house but have NO MONEY FOR UGLY DRESSES. It should be noted that the cousin is also a ruby con artist (SURE!) and their plot this week involves deciding to pass off fake rubies to make some coin and nothing has ever been more on brand for these idiots. ALSO! We meet the cake-hungry jeweler who is terrible at overhearing all of Kate and Anthony’s discussion of engagements because FREE CAKE (and truly: priorities). 

Meanwhile, in other money making schemes: the boxer from last season has now retired into...owning a gentleman’s club? That caters specifically to artsy bros aka Colin and Benedict Bridgerton? I mean: get that money, honey but this feels absolutely not sustainable in just decanter fees alone.

As for the creative Bridgerton, he has begun art school and it is SO NOT HOMOSEXUAL ENOUGH. Despite wearing the most insane ascots, he is titillated by, well, tits and begins a really boring romance with the FEMALE nude model for the school who is also a budding art student herself. I realize that he had sex with women last season (Madame Delacroix!) but I am super disappointed in how not gay this storyline is. BOO!

In other boring cisgender romance storylines, Demi might have found herself a boyfriend!! As foretold in the episode where she is guided by typekey fonts, she goes to a suffrage meeting with that printer guy!!! He is very cute and this is 100% the same as the Downton Abbey season where Sybil falls in love with Tom and I really hope this doesn’t end with anyone getting preeclampsia. It does so far end with Demi lying to Derry Girl about her whereabouts but to be fair, Derry Girl has been lying to Demi this entire time about not being Lady Whistledown. SECRETS DON’T MAKE FRIENDS!

AAaaanyway, over at some boat races or whatever, Kate and Anthony get into some quarrel that ends with ANTHONY IN A WET TSHIRT JUST LIKE COLIN FIRTH IN BOTH PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ALSO BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY. EMERGENCY YOU GUYS THIS IS THE ONLY IMPORTANT TRIBUTE THIS SHOW HAS EVER MADE. Excellent work!!

Oh wait there’s actually more of this episode!! Kate’s long grift this entire season has been to get a secret dowry from her horrible grandparents who disinherited her father long ago BUT they said she could only get some coin if Edwina married a gentleman. She obvs didn’t tell her sister any of this despite all of Lady Danbury’s warnings and then they come to dinner and it’s as awful as you might imagine. The grandad is played by the dude who also plays an asshole in Ted Lasso and *chef’s kiss* casting, you guys. Of course, they tell everyone about the whole dowry requirement and Anthony defends Edwina and despite this being a PERFECT OUT of this whole stupid engagement (AND ALSO BECAUSE THEY FINALLY ADMIT THEY ARE HOT FOR EACH OTHER WITHOUT ACTUALLY KISSING), Kate (in her messy long braid wig!) tells Anthony (and some horses) that he must marry Edwina so that she won’t be heartbroken. QUICK GET EDWINA ANOTHER DUDE STAT! DISASTER! 

FRAN WATCH: NO FRANS!!! WHERE IS FRAN?!?!?!

EPISODE 6 - The Choice

Welp...here we are guys! Wedding of the season! The Queen has some new wigs, some new peacocks, and A TON OF COCAINE. What could go wrong?!?!? The Bridgertons and Sharmas are just going along as if this farce of a wedding is actually going to happen and oy vey. The only voice of reason comes in the form of DD (SANS DUKE EVEN AT A FAMILY WEDDING ARE YOU KIDDING ME). DD and her stupid bangs tell Anthony to follow his heart just moments before the wedding. WHAT IS HE GONNG DO? Meanwhile, Kate (in a braid honestly too close to the scalp) offers Edwina (in a pretty nice wig!) some bracelets owned by her mother and Edwina is all: no you keep them! Her fate is now sealed forever because we all know that JEWELRY WILL CURSE YOU FOREVER.

The jewelry curse is in effect basically IMMEDIATELY when Kate drops one of the bracelets, Anthony fetches it for her, and Edwina is FINALLY all: WAIT MY SISTER AND MY FIANCE ARE IN LOVE? ON THE ALTER YOU GUYS! She storms out, the wedding guests are shook, literal fireworks go off, and society and this tv show both simultaneously implode. 

The Queen, who has bought herself MATCHING WIGS WITH HER LADIES IN WAITING is PISSED. Mama Bridgerton, Mama Sharma, And Lady Danbury have no clue what to do and everyone just sort of lets Edwina decide if she should get married which is definitely the ONLY TIME A WOMAN HAS DECIDED HER MARITAL FATE ON THIS SHOW. In what should probably have taken 5 minutes, the rest of this episode descends into madness while Edwina takes HOURS to make this choice. Meanwhile, Anthony stares into the middle distance, likely haunted by BEE GHOSTS and Kate cries IN A PUNCH BOWL CLOSET I’M NOT KIDDING!!! Legit question: did I miss a writers’ strike because it really felt like NO ONE WROTE THIS EPISODE.

The wedding guests at some point decide to leave the church and wander indeterminably around the palace gardens, avoiding peacocks and allowing society to crumble around them. Was there an actual wedding planner besides the queen? Will some bitch with a clipboard ever tell them the wedding is still on or nah? Everyone is just losing their minds: Mama Featherington and the new Lord Featherington are FLIRTING despite him being betrothed to her daughter, being mean to that wrestler dude, and trying to pass fake jewels to rich assholes! Cressida has a new and insane weave! Colin is drinking champagne and being nice to Derry Girl (TOO LATE DUDE!) Anthony’s shitty friends are back! And most insultingly, Demi betrays her own Bechdel Test by ONLY talking about that printing press dude who I will now be referring to as NEWSIE based on my love of the movie Newsies and not his actual profession. Demi wisely leaves with her bangs AND TENDRILS (huh?!) to see if Newsie is in LIKE with her and yes he is because he gave her some dusty old books and these two are as good as married now.

JK JK no one is getting married! Or are they?!?! Time still doesn’t exist and neither do wedding rules: THEY START SERVING WEDDING CAKE DESPITE NO WEDDING! WTF!! I tried to use this as a hint that our favorite cake-hungry jeweler would show up and save the day by suggesting that if Kate and Edwina have the same ring size, they probably have the same dress size so just: SWITCH DRESSES AND LET’S HAVE A WEDDING! (This did not happen). I’d like to point out that in 50% of screwball comedies (see: The Philadelphia Story), messed up weddings are usually fixed by interchangeable brides and grooms because wasting a wedding is stupid. BUT SO IS THIS SHOW! And it is far from a screwball comedy - it is just an endless tragedy and even Mama Bridgerton and Lady Danbury, racked with guilt and updos, don’t know what to do but just laugh LAUGH AND LAUGH (YES REALLY WHAT IS HAPPENING!)

Edwina finally decides not to marry Anthony (DUH) and NO ONE POINTS OUT THAT KATE SHOULD JUST MARRY HIM INSTEAD! THEY ARE SERIOUSLY WASTING A WEDDING! THESE TWO ASSHOLES WILL GET HITCHED ANYWAY! THE WASTE AND THE DECADENCE I CAN’T!! Everyone just sort of shrugs and leaves including Mama Bridgerton and DD and her insufferable bangs!

Inside the church, these two assholes FINALLY KISS while society as we know it crumbles outside. WHATEVER!!!

FRAN WATCH: NO FRIGGIN FRANS!! AT HER BROTHER’S WEDDING! I finally actually googled what is going on with this and apparently the chick who plays Fran actually had another tv gig and is only in the first 3 episodes. This will not stop me from 1) bemoaning her absence and 2) bemoaning the fact that this show had the audacity to not even excuse her absence with some lame pianoforte sabbatical! There legit must have been a writers’ strike I missed, right??!?!

EPISODE 7 - Harmony

Well the world is continuing to spin even though everyone just ruined 1) Edwina’s heart and 2) a perfectly good wedding. There is some really dodgy footage of Kate and Anthony definitely masturbating to the idea of once kissing and yuck!!!

And then! The Bridgertons are all sitting around (SANS FRAN) and decide the only reasonable thing to do is: PROMENADE!!! And the promenade proves that the Sharmas and the Bridgertons are complete social outcasts. Now the Sharmas, Lady Danbury, and the Bridgertons are all just hanging out like: WHAT DO WE DO NOW TO MAINTAIN SOCIETY?? Kate’s wig is like...meh whatever but her dog suddenly is into Anthony! And Edwina is all: WHOA YOU GUYS ARE IN LOVE PLEASE DON’T MAKE OUT LITERALLY IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!

Meanwhile, the gay one who is NOT GAY is I guess just super bougie? AND ALSO HAS A DRUG PROBLEM MAYBE?!?!! Anthony DOES NOT APPROVE and hard same but like the Bridgertons can only handle one scandal at a time? Oh except now Colin might invest in the Cinderella Clan’s fake ruby mines (OF COURSE UGH COLIN) and the Queen essentially told Demi that she’s going to murder her if she doesn’t admit she’s Lady Whistledown oh and also everyone hates the Bridgertons because of the failed wedding. DISASTER!

My two very favorite businessladies meet next to the coziest fireplace this side of Yellowjackets and talk about what they’re gonna do about the whole Queen threatening Demi thing. Madame Delacroix in ringlets too magical to be true suggests that Derry Girl print something bad about Demi that she would never say about herself (excellent idea, awful consequences!) Derry Girls’ wig has smoothed out in a way that is really trying to be The Little Mermaid and bitch knows what she has to do: DESTROY DEMI!!! 

Meanwhile, the Sharmas, Bridgertons and Lady Danbury (who I’m just gonna call Eartha Kitt now - I mean come on) decide the way to fix their societal issues is to: THROW A BALL!!! THE THEME IS LITERALLY HARMONY AND NO I’M NOT KIDDING!! No one shows up because the one thing people like more than wasting a perfectly good wedding is wasting a perfectly good ball. And then Anthony solves everything by just DANCING!!! It has come to my attention that Jonathan Bailey is actually gay (HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS) and clearly took a lesson from the Rupert Everett school: there may not be love, there might not be sex....BUT BY GOD THERE WILL BE DANCING!!!! It is all a total hodown until Lady Whistledown publishes that Demi is a trashy minx who is carrying on UNCHAPERONED! MY PEARLS!!! 

SPEAKING OF UNCHAPERONED!! Kate and Anthony meet undera Wisteria laden, candlelit, throw pillowed sex gazebo....and....THEY. HAVE. SEX. 

IN AN OPEN AIR SEX GAZEBO!

YOU GUYS!! THE FEATHERINGTON BITCH GOT ENGAGED JUST FOR BEING IN AN ORANGERIE SOMEWHAT NEAR HER COUSIN.

THIS SHOW IS BANANAS!!!!!!

AND THEN! Anthony wakes up in the same sex gazebo (HE SLEPT THERE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!) to obviously find NO KATE because, well, she has common sense?!

Take it back - she has common sense UNTIL she decides to punish (?) herself for premarital gazebo sex by riding her horse in the rain and then Anthony chases after her and then HER HORSE THROWS HER! IN THE RAIN! I know this show is trying to be Pride and Prejudice but now it’s trying to be Sense and Sensibility too? 

FRAN WATCH: NO FRIGGIN FRANS!!! This show had the common decency to tell us that DD’s son “had a cough” thus why she and the Duke had to miss the Harmony Ball but WHERE IS FRAN’S EXCUSE?! Hyacinth was forced to play the pianoforte instead! THE HELL, FRAN?!?!?!

EPISODE 8 - The Viscount Who Loved Me

HERE WE ARE! THE LAST EPISODE! We did it! And so did Kate and Anthony and now Kate is in a coma out of sex gazebo horse girl guilt. And truly: EXCUSE HER GLAMOUR. As in: there is absolutely no excuse for the gorgeous glamour of this woman whilst in an actual coma. HOW DARE SHE. Her glorious locks have never looked better. A week goes by, Anthony doesn’t visit her out of moral obligations (?) and finally Edwina just kind of talks her out of the coma and she comes to with absolutely no visible wounds or neurological damage and literally the first thing she asks is: DID ANTHONY VISIT ME. The answer is no so FUCK HIM!!!! He does then visit her with tulips (TULIPS!!!) and asks her to marry her but she says no because she thinks it’s out of obligation and OMG YOU GUYS WE’RE ON THE FINAL EPISODE GET IT TOGETHER.

Ok they get it together kind of immediately because the Cinderella Clan are having a ball to celebrate their fake ruby pyramid scheme and Edwina and Kate make up and dance together because screw society!!! I love how much dancing just sort of fixes everything in this show the last two episodes. The hair on these two is...fine? Anyway, Kate and Anthony then dance and everyone is like SCANDAL but then the Queen says she likes the pairing so everyone falls in line. She also suggests Edwina marry her nephew the prince (remember him?) and I approve of this pairing of two sorta boring but nice people. 

OH AND CRESSIDA is in her most extreme weave war to date. LOOK AT THIS WIG!!!! HOW IS THIS LEGAL?!?! Also not legal: that whole ruby pyramid scheme which Colin points out to everyone thanks to the intel he got from that boxer dude and the whole Cinderella Clan go into crisis mode.

The stupid new Lord Featherington tells Mama Featherington, in a wig that can only be described as Hello, Dolly! meets Marie Antoinette that they should run away to the Americas together and in the first (and I’m sure last) time I will ever respect her, Mama Featherington is like: NOPE BYE I CHOOSE MY DAUGHTERS AND NOT YOU BUT GIVE ME SOME MONEY BYEEEEE. Well played. And goodbye forever, Lord Featherington. We hardly knew ye, and yet that was still too long.

In far more heartbreaking Cinderella Clan news, Derry Girl and Demi have a fight!!!! Derry Girl had warned Demi about seeing Newsie because of the SCANDAL of it all (and also to hide her identity as Lady Whistledown) but then decides to basically clue her in to how much she knows about gossip! Demi is catching on and all I can think about is Derry Girl’s new wig which is somehow in a braided CHINGON as if she’s eating Breakfast at Tiffanys and WHAT THE HELL WHY ARE YOU PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART WITH THIS WIG?!

Many more games are played with our heart with these two and it’s kind of the only breakup I’ve ever cared about in this show. Demi discovers all of Derry Girl’s secret floorboard gossip columns and they hiss at each other and it’s all really sad. So is Demi’s wig!! Unacceptable!

Meanwhile we have 10 minutes left in the show and the pace of loose ends is running at breakneck speed because we wasted so much time on that stupid slow moving wedding episode and now THERE. IS. TOO. MUCH. HAPPENING. Everyone goes outside because Mama Featherington promised them a surprise. Derry Girl is all excited to maybe have Colin FINALLY profess his love to her but of course, Anthony’s smarmy friends reemerge and she overhears him telling them that he could never love her. I HATE YOU, COLIN! YOU CAN DO BETTER, DERRY GIRL! 

Meanwhile, Benedict is wearing the most insane ascot/neckerchief and still claiming to not be gay (SURE!) and is pissed at Anthony for paying his way into art school and is gonna quit which is the biggest waste of money since that wasted ball and that wasted wedding both in this season. DECADENCE! The decadence keeps coming in the form of FIREWORKS mere seconds after Kate and Anthony FINALLY ADMIT THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER AND BECOME BETROTHED. PHEW!

Also Colin vaguely redeems himself by bringing all the smarmy bros to the boxer dude’s gentlemen’s club which is a great solid since he did save everyone from financial ruby ruin but now he has to serve drinks to total assholes. I guess it’s a living! 

In the end, these two assholes have sex and we see some lady parts and they’re married and LATE to a family game of PALL MALL (THIS STUPID GAME!) and Kate has a really intense french braid which isn’t as intense as the PDA they display in front of BOTH OF THEIR FAMILIES! OK? HAPPILY EVER AFTER JUST WATCH OUT FOR THE BEE GHOSTS.

FRAN WATCH: NO FRANS. ZERO FRANS. ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO FRANS!!!!! The Duke is also not there, though his kid is walking and DD is around to play pall mall. BUT WHO WILL PLAY THE PIANOFORTE FOR ANYONE!! I DEMAND MORE FRANS NEXT SEASON! HARRUMPH!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

YOU GUYS.

I have officially stumbled through all of this rollercoaster of a TV show. I have a lot of feelings about it! This show really has everything: competitive teen girls, THE 90S!!!, post plane-crash survivalist nightmares, rabbits, midlife crises, AFFAIRS, lesbians, murders, SOCCER, paganism AND satanism (maybe?), fake book clubs, NJ politics, cults, GLITTER, car crashes, blackmail, journaling, creepy kids, creepy adults, creepy teens, creepy cabins, creepy dreams, creepy visions, creepy planes, actual creeps and also CANNIBALISM (MAYBE!) SPOILERS AHEAD!

THIS SHOW NEVER SHOWS ACTUAL CANNIBALISM - IT IS ONLY EDITED THAT WAY! I was promised waaaay more cannibalism and way less middle-aged ennui but what this show lacks in actually eating human flesh it more than makes up for in very HONGARY wigs. There are only 3 MAIN wigs in the show - that of teenage Natalie, teenage Misty, and grownup Misty. So I will be judging those on an episode by episode basis based on CANNIBAL WIG ratings. Let’s discuss!

Episode 1

CANNIBAL WIGS: 6/10

The beginning of this pilot is the closest we get to actual cannibalism on the entire season of this show. Based solely on the first 10 minutes of the pilot, I really thought we were gonna get more cannibalism but ALAS. NOTE: it probably feels like I’m really into cannibalism but my point is: I was EXPECTING more cannibalism. The entire point of this show felt like it was cannibalism? I do not endorse eating people!

ANYWAY! We begin with a mystery girl being murdered in the snow followed by horned/masked girls eating meat (IT IS NEVER EXPLICITLY SHOWN THAT THEY ATE THE GIRL - SHE MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN A SACRIFICE!) In any case, the identity of the would-be cannibals is cloaked in mystery and also antlers and DIY face masks that you definitely can buy on Etsy.

Flashing back to New Jersey in the mid-90s, everything is JUST. SO. MID. 90S. But not in that really specific way that Pen15 does the early aughts. More like when a millennial dresses up like a Clueless character for Halloween. In any case, we meet the Yellowjackets - an elite high school girls soccer team who are about to fly to nationals. I wonder what will happen! 

We also meet the younger version of Juliette Lewis. SIDE NOTE: I love Juliette Lewis but she is like 7-10 years older than all the actresses who are supposed to be her same age which is WILD but like I guess whatever? Anyway back to the younger Natalie - she looks nothing like Lewis and has a blonde dye job. This is real hair and it’s fine for a 90s bleach job! Therefore Natalie is giving us 0/0 cannibal wigs. The true horrors are YET TO COME all around!!

The real cannibal wigs come in the form of MISTY, the team’s equipment manager (?) and grade-A lurker. We are definitely supposed to hate this chick from the start and excellent job of making her wig as awful as her personality? This dusty, thirsty wig is terrible BEFORE the crash!

And flashing forward to present day, Misty (now in the form of Christina friggin’ Ricci!) got herself a haircut but this looks like the same mousy, dried wig as in the 90s. HOW AND WHY!!!! I don’t understand why movies and tv shows insist on telling us that women keep the same hair for 30 years (yes I know it’s for consistency in identification purposes...) since most women I know change their hair a little bit more than just a cut over the course of their lifetimes. Still: not a lot has changed in the character of Misty in 25 years...she’s still very much a lurker! It must be said that wearing this wig apparently made people treat Christina Ricci differently so this is a very POWERFUL CANNIBAL WIG. 

By episode’s end it is discovered that Misty is the one offering fresh meat (of human or animal origins?) at the beginning of the episode. OK?!?! This wig has definitely flattened itself out and SEEN SOME THINGS between crash and cannibalism (again: MAYBE????). THIS IS THE REVENANT BUT WITH LESS HAIR MOISTURE. OH THE HUMANITY.

Episode 2:

CANNIBAL WIGS: 9/10

BANG! CRASH! We’re flashing back to the early 90s y’all! Misty gets honestly the best wig of any timeline here. Full of body and strawberry blonde color, this is really the best version of Misty. WHERE CAN I GET THAT SWEATSHIRT TO SAY NOTHING OF THE LIP PHONE?! Also tweens are cruel and shouldn’t be prank calling Misty because YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BULLYING IS GOING TO TURN MISTY INTO OH GOD.

BANG. CRASH. Flashing forward to that whole chartered plane to nowhere situation....Misty is suddenly THE. MOST. VALUABLE. YELLOWJACKET. She took Red Cross babysitting class! Twice! She springs into action, bandaging people, chopping off broken legs, and generally being kind of badass? In a scary way. Her wig looks, well, like it survived a plane crash. Which is to say that it only looks slightly worse than when it was back in New Jersey? THIS IS A HUNGRY WIG THAT WILL DEFINITELY EAT HUMANS IF MISTY DOESN’T FIRST. 

BANG....CRASH. Present day Misty is.....oof. Clearly they shot the pilot and then shot the rest of the episodes much later because this is NOT the same wig that Christina Ricci had in the first episode! It is much blonder and much thirstier. This wig is halfway to a Cruella DeVille and honestly SO IS MISTY. Never prank call anyone because they will definitely smash an airplane black box and maybe try to kill your grandma in a nursing home later!

BANGCRASH oh no young Natalie got a reshoot wig! This is not the real hair that the actress had in the pilot. THIS IS A CANNIBAL WIG!!!! Totally different texture, fullness, and lack of darker roots. DID THEY THINK WE WOULDN’T NOTICE?!

THIS EPISODE SERVED SERIOUS CANNIBAL WIGS!!!!! 

Episode 3

CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10

WELP. It’s starting to set in that these girls are gonna be in the wilderness for a while but luckily they found a water source!! BEACH PARTY! Sadly, Natalie’s wig has somehow gotten more platinum and dried out. THIS WIG IS HUNGRY AND THIRSTY!

OH GOD FORGET I SAID THIRSTY. PLEASE DRY THIS WIG OFF. OH GOD. 

Anyway, in addition to finding water, the girls (and 3 dudes..) also find a cabin! Don’t worry: it is VERY CREEPY. (Not as creepy as these wigs, though).

All that can be said about present day Misty’s wig is just above. PLEASE LEAVE, WIG. WE HAVE NOTHING FOR YOU HERE.

ALSO: Apparently Misty has a bird. OF COURSE MISTY HAS A BIRD.

Episode 4

CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10

So they found a cabin, and the cabin has a gun! ALSO A LOT OF AMMUNITION! So it’s time for all the teens to try to shoot shit to see who is best at hunting and not worry about wasting bullets. EVERYONE SUCKS AT SHOOTING! 

Even Misty, who is starting to rethink the whole smashing of blackbox thing - everyone is finding her insufferable again though her wig has rebounded to pre-crash heights. Also legit: WHERE CAN I BUY HER ENTIRE CAT SWEATSHIRT COLLECTION?

Present day Misty is still blonder than the pilot, still definitely insane. I don’t even know what to call this hair color. Off-beige?! This wig is so very distracting I just can’t you guys.

Also Misty takes an old lady out for cocktails in order to spy on Juliette Lewis and ORDERS A CHOCOLATE MARTINI. EMERGENCY, YOU GUYS. THIS WOMAN IS NOT OK AND NEITHER AM I NOW.

I realize that I’m leaving out like 70% of storylines on this show for lack of wigs. HOWEVER, in this episode, the character of Tai who is running for NJ state senate or something (who cares!) and THIS WOMAN shows up at some fundraiser!! #1 - THE ONLY THING PEOPLE EVER ASK THE YELLOWJACKET WOMEN ABOUT IS BEING A YELLOWJACKET. THE. ONLY. THING. It’s wild. #2 Is this supposed to be a wig within the context of the show? Let us all hope so because this wig is very obvious, very shiny and NEEDS TO WATCH ITS TONE. 

Back at gun school, Travis (the one teenage dude) is REALLY trying to prove his manliness. I HATE TRAVIS THERE I SAID IT. Not as much as I hate Natalie’s wig of course, but duh.

In a flashback (within a flashback!) we see pre-crash (and pre-blonde!) Natalie living in some kind of trailerpark Lifetime movie and it is ROUGH you guys. The wig is somewhat more rough, but still not as rough as the blonde one post-crash.

THIS WAS MY FACE DURING THIS ENTIRE FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. WOOF! Anyway, I’m glad Natalie’s dad died and yay for her being able to use a gun? BOO ON THIS WIG FOREVER.

BUT BOO ON THIS BLONDE WIG FOREVER AND EVER AMEN. #90s (Also Natalie shot a deer so they can eat but it’s not cannibalism BOO)

Episode 5 

CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10

Now Christina Ricci’s wig is darker? This wig is seriously gaslighting me, you guys. But Misty is gaslighting everyone else so I guess: FAIR.

OF COURSE Misty is a Citizen Detective (officially?) and uses her nerdy connections to help Juliette Lewis uncover wtf happened to Travis. This wig looks no better under bar lighting, FYI.

Back at the crash, Coach Ben has HAD IT with Misty and, you know, how she keeps trying to help him via poisoning him. Still: her wig is lethal and should come with a chemical warning.

Meanwhile, all the girls’ periods have synced up (UGH WHY IS THIS ALWAYS A STORYLINE WITH GROUPS OF GIRLS) which conveniently leads to us discovering that young Shauna is pregnant. However, I do appreciate that this show tackles survivalist maxi pads which I don’t believe Lost ever even attempted. 

Also: that cabin is still creepy! Creepy enough that Jackie suggests a friggin SEANCE CAN YOU BELIEVE. Misty’s wig sadly doesn’t catch on fire, but Lottie gets possessed! I was here for it!

The possession is broken by that one token religious girl throwing a bible (not bc it was a bible I don’t think - books are just heavy?) Also: Natalie’s wig when pulled back into a ponytail NEEDS AN EXORCISM.

Episode 6

CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10

This episode was kind of boring! Natalie and Travis (who are definitely gonna have sex - yuck) shot a deer full of maggots! Double yuck also still not cannibalism. BORING!

However: MISTY’S HAIR IS SO BLONDE NOW WTF. This wigmaster keeps changing wigs on us like we’re not going to notice. UNLESS MISTY SOMEHOW HAD SUN-IN WITH HER ON THIS TRIP WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY #90s AND VERY MISTY.

Natalie’s wig is also blonder!! YOU GUYS! WHAT! IF THIS IS NOT A SUN-IN PRODUCT PLACEMENT THEN THIS IS INEXCUSABLE! 

Back in present day, Misty is still bonkers and her hair is still...off-beige? She is now holding a reporter hostage which is very Misery and I think Kathy Bates would honestly be proud.

Episode 7

CANNIBAL WIGS: 9/10

Ok so I realize that I really have been ignoring Tai but it’s only because I find her to be one of the more boring characters? Also: wigless. HOWEVER, that all changes this episode because THIS BITCH SLEEPWALKS AND EATS DIRT. Sadly, this means her creepy kid isn’t actually having creepy visions of a mystery woman - it’s just his dirt eating mom. BORING!

Young Tai is getting less boring, too, because she is SICK of cabin life and decides to break free by leading an expedition to...over the mountain maybe? I don’t know but the important part is that SHE GIVES HERSELF A HAIRCUT. WELCOME TO CANNIBAL WIG LEVEL, TAI!

This wig is not great but as wigs on this show go...it is actually maybe the best one? Probably just because it is very very short. It is fine! Also Tai’s (secret) girlfriend Van likes the new lewk and comes along on the expedition which IS A TERRIBLE IDEA BECAUSE VAN’S FACE IS HALF EATEN OFF BY WOLVES. YES YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY. And whilst Tai sleepwalked into a goddamned tree! WHAT. Anyway, Van’s face is a MESS and they almost burn her body but then SHE COMES BACK TO LIFE AND VAN IS INDESTRUCTIBLE VAN4EVER.

Misty also goes on the mountain expedition and puts this wig in a half pony! NOOOOOO. This wig just keeps getting worse and sadly is yet to be eaten by wolves. 

UGH NATALIE AND TRAVIS. These two are insufferable. But nothing is worse than this platinum blonde wig back in a ponytail!!!

Anyway, this hookup from hell is cut short either because they tried to have sex in an open window or I don’t know whatever - who cares? Natalie’s wig is SO SAD about it but at least Travis tried to use protection (seriously why did coach Ben have so many condoms?!) Safety first, you guys! 

Back in contemporary times, Christina Ricci has gone full Annie Wilkes and I love it. SHE LOVES IT! Bitch is having so much fun! Her wig remains a mess but nothing new on that front. Also the boring blackmailing subplot that I wasn’t really paying attention to comes to a head and results in a blackmailer covered in GLITTER but not in the fun Mariah Carey way. 

Episode 8

CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10

Trouble in non the opposite of paradise! NATALIE AND TRAVIS KIND OF BROKE UP BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T HAVE SEX?! Ugh whatever DON’T CARE. Travis is literally the only dude on earth and even though he is mopey and boring and sucks at hunting, all the girls suddenly want him and HE SUCKS! SO DOES NATALIE’S WIG! Oh also Jackie really sucks for telling Travis about Natalie sleeping with his sworn enemy and telling everyone that Shauna is pregnant. UGH JACKIE. However: VAN IS ALIVE! VAN4EVER!

But really: in what world are we supposed to believe this is not a wig? It is such a bad wig that Natalie is starting to look like wigmaster’s enemy Anya Taylor-Joy so WOOF. Anyway, a big part of this episode was devoted to the jesus-y girl LAURA LEE who is such a southern bible-belt character shoehorned into this NJ soccer narrative that I refuse to give her any attention (plus she’s wigless). Anyway, she attended Mary Magdalene Summer camp (I knew religious people liked hookers!) and hit her head in a pool or something and now she knows how to fly a plane and y’all THIS IS WILD. Everyone is just like: ok we will CUT DOWN TREES so you can fly an old propeller plane for us to freedom?! THEY’RE LOGGERS NOW?!?!?!?! Obviously, the plane, Laura Lee, AND HER TEDDY BEAR immediately combust. Sayonara!

Coach Ben knew the plane was a bad idea but no one is listening to Coach Ben anymore (plus dude actually logged some trees to support the plane idea UGH). HOWEVER this was a big episode because it was revealed that Coach Ben is gay! SHANTAY YOU STAY!! But why are you confiding in the chick with the worst hair?!?!! FOR SHAME!

Back in 2021, Misty’s wig has gotten dusty as HELL. It’s probably from going down in the basement so much to deal with her kidnap victim but still: this wig is not aging well. Oh also! That rando Shauna is having an affair with is maybe someone bad! DUH!

Also! Tai and her fabulous coif have a sleepover party at Shauna’s and I DEMAND ANSWERS about this Prince Harry themed “You Can Still Marry Harry” poster which is definitely circa 2011 when Prince William got married AKA A DECADE AGO - WHY WOULD SHAUNA’S TEENAGE DAUGHTER HAVE THIS AND ALSO DOES SHAUNA’S DAUGHTER JUST LIVE AT ALANA’S HOUSE NOW WTF?!

Episode 9 

CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10

THIS EPISODE. You guys. I can’t. The crash survivors have concluded that they are definitely all gonna starve to death with impending winter so LET’S THROW A HOMECOMING DANCE. The idea that girls just wanna have a dance is eyeroll-inducing but not as much as the fact that they call it DOOMSCOMING and also somehow manage to all have formalwear AND make Etsy-level woodland decorations for the affair. TRULY: NO. Not since A Quiet Place served bespoke farmhouse wedding vibes has anything seemed so extra and insane in a post-apocalyptic world. 

Honestly, if they put 1/10th the amount of effort they clearly put into making these MATCHING FORMAL EYEPATCHES maybe they wouldn’t need an end of the world event? It must have taken 1000x the amount of time to make Lottie’s antler queen headdress alone as it seems to take them to find worms to eat! NO!

Anyway, Van and Tai’s lesbian smooch ALMOST inspires Coach Ben to out himself to the group at large but not quite! Why he would lead Misty along when he could simply tell her he doesn’t even like her gender is mystifying but so is this entire affair.

Misty really dolls herself up and her hair basically looks the way it did pre-crash? I would LOVE to know how these girls are maintaining their hair by only having access to a lake AND how Coach Ben is keeping his whites so white but NO TIME FOR THAT - MISTY HAS A TRAPPER KEEPER FULL OF POISON MUSHROOMS! OF COURSE SHE DOES! In an attempt to poison Coach Ben (AGAIN!) she shrooms the entire group via mushroom stew. Only Jackie manages to waste the VERY VIABLE FOOD so that she can go have sex with Travis. 

NATALIE IS SAD ABOUT IT! Coach Ben comforts her about it and although he clearly has access to hair products, does not offer her ANY when clearly this wig is the most thirsty it has EVER BEEN! C’MON BEN! They also figure out about the shrooms!

It is very too late to tell the group who have COMPLETELY LOST THEIR MIND ON SHROOMS and proceed to lead a savage revenge party on the sex cabin and try to rape/murder Travis. I don’t like Travis but as the token teen boy, it really sucks to be him right now? Unless this is his thing which it might be - ugh, Travis. Also I keep forgetting he has a little brother who is collateral shroom damage in all this and is told to run away and is DEFINITELY gonna die.

UNLESS! He is the grown up dude Shauna was having an affair with and for sure just murdered so oh well I guess we’ll never know? JULIETTE LEWIS IS PISSED ABOUT IT! So pissed that she goes back to Misty who is trying out lipstick with her hostage victim which is honestly very Stockholm syndrome on the level of Ruthless People. Misty OF COURSE will help them dispose of this body (whoever he is!) as long as they can all be galpals. 

Oh and her wig is INCREDIBLY DEFLATED in this episode as is the will to live by this reporter/hostage who definitely will die no matter what. 

Episode 10

CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10

WE MADE IT TO THE LAST EPISODE!! Are you still reading this? Am I still writing this? What is real and what is a shroom hallucination?!?! WHO KNOWS! It’s the day after DOOMSCOMING and everyone had a NIGHT. LOOK AT NATALIE’S WIG!! Even though it saved stupid Travis from death (THIS TIME!) this wig is never gonna be the same. YIKES. Jackie and Shauna for SURE are never gonna be the same since Jackie reveals that she 100% read Shauna’s journal (writing a journal has a 1000% guarantee someone else will read it! Paper trail, people!) After QUOTING BEACHES (I’m not kidding), Shauna banishes Jackie from the suddenly cozy ass creepy cabin which now has Quiet Place farmhouse vibes UGH. 

Meanwhile: HOW IS VAN’S FACE HEALED SO WELL! HALF OF IT WAS GONE RECENTLY FROM A WOLF ATTACK! As someone who has recently undergone oral surgery and several rounds of antibiotics, I can confirm that Van is a marvel of (lack of) modern medicine. Also now she has an asymmetrical wig? YOU DO YOU VAN! Also: Tai’s wig is still fine. Misty’s wig is awful but so is Misty and no one is letting her near them because she shroomed them all. FAIR!  Not fair? JACKIE DIED OF HYPOTHERMIA ! WHAT?! I mean sure: she had no viable survivalist skills other than bullying, manipulation and journal reading but wouldn’t she have begged to come inside if she was freezing to death?? THIS BITCH DIED OF PRIDE! Shauna falls to her knees and screams which this show seems to think is something people do a lot (Jackie herself did it when the jesus plane exploded!) Anyway: aren’t Natalie and Travis also outside being cold? WHERE IS JAVI?!?!?!

THESE ARE ALL GONNA HAVE TO BE CLIFFHANGERS TIL SEASON 2 HARRUMPH. MOVING ON: THIS BITCH! I guess I must have missed something with all the shrooming and death but I have no clue who this person is however SHE THREW THE CLASS OF 1996 25th REUNION. She is also the only character in this entire show where people grew up in New Jersey who actually has a New Jersey accent. ONLY IMPORTANT PLOTHOLE. Her hair is so beachy housewife and I’m here for this bitch and how awkward she makes everyone feel.

(MISTY STILL MAKES EVERYONE FEEL MORE AWKWARD). This wig is still VERY DEFLATED but Misty is living her best life! She helped her frenemies dispose of a body, recouped some rubbermaids, murdered a hostage via poisoned cigarette and WORE THIS TUXEDO JACKET. More on fashion later but so much happened in this episode! Tai won her stupid political whatever by maybe making a satanic dog sacrifice (unless her kid did?), Shauna’s husband actually isn’t a cheater but is a blackmailer, Shauna burned some popcorn, and JULIETTE LEWIS BREAKS A SNACK MACHINE THEN TRIES TO KILL HERSELF ONLY TO BE STOLEN AWAY BY CULT MEMBERS. THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS FOR SEASON 2.

BUT WHO CARES - FASHION!!!! I think we are all that dude in the striped polo when I say: THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE AN ENTRANCE. I want everything that all these bitches are wearing. Also: are we to believe that this reunion is the same day as election day (or day after when results were called?) WHO HAS A MIDWEEK REUNION. I DEMAND ANSWERS! 

ALSO THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONCRETE CANNIBALISM IN THIS SHOW AS I WAS PROMISED! ONLY CANNIBAL WIGS! BOO!

(Yes, I’ll watch season 2).

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

It’s Oscar week, bebe! I am really trying to see ALL the nominated movies (that involve wigs) before Sunday. I should have probably seen West Side Story in the theater but didn’t because of looming omnicron (and because I’m a garbage person) but it’s finally on HBO Max and Disney Plus. There is absolutely no reason why this movie should have been remade but I will say: this remake is good! But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss. 

I guess if you’re going to remake a movie that won 10 Oscars and really did not need remaking at all - at least do it with a huge budget and make everything really pretty? THIS MOVIE FEELS PRETTY (see what I did there?) The art direction, cinematography, costumes and, yes, wigs clearly got some cash thrown at them. AS IT ALWAYS SHOULD BE!!! The main wigs on display are on Anita and her gals and they are all 50s perfection.  The seamwork, texture, and quality of these wigs are impeccable and I love that the wigs on all the background dancers are just as high quality. TAKE NOTE: GIVE WIGS SOME MONEY, HUNNY!

Ariana DeBose will probably win an Oscar as Anita and I hope her wig does too! Look at this coif!

Maria and Tony were honestly kind of boring and their hair was meh but like whatever - it’s all about Anita anyway!!!!

The dudes just grew their hair out and greased it back - as it should be! Grow those manes for your craft!!

The one exception was the normally bald-headed Corey Stoll. This man wig actually wurqs!!! And has a back taper! That never happens!!! I am shook!

And then there’s Rita. SHE IS 90s YEARS OLD! Let us all be blessed with her longevity and style and wig budget. I think this wig might honestly be one she has for everyday use but YOU DO YOU RITA! YOU HAVE AN EGOT AND HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT!!!

Throw a scarf on this wig and call it a day. All nice old lady wigs should be this good! I’m really rooting for the wig department on this movie to win on Sunday because these wigs wurq down to their roots! (As does this movie!)

VERDICT: WURQS

Another year, another Oscar-bait memoir of the damned. If you wished Hillbilly Elegy could just swap the south for the north, drugs for alcohol, and Glenn Close for Christopher Lloyd then I guess this movie is for you? EXCEPT Glenn almost won an Oscar for her portrayal of Mamaw (still 0 for 8!) and Sir Lloyd has NEVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR YES NOT EVEN FOR WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT! Regardless, both films are absolute TRASH and I watched them so you never ever have to. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss. 

This is a true and incredibly boring story of a kid who spent most of his formative years in his uncle’s pub. That’s basically the entire movie. He and his single mom live with his grandpa, Christopher Lloyd, who mainly looks like a homeless person but this one time dressed like the dude from Phantasm for some school dad event or something. This wig is the least offensive in the movie and I can’t really say anything negative about Christopher Lloyd and though he should definitely win an Oscar for something, at least he will never have to dance to DA BUTT on live tv.

The young kid in this is wigless and fine and has the most LUCIOUS eyelashes you have ever seen in your life. And then he morphs into....

TYE SHERIDAN?!?! THESE TWO GUYS LOOK NOTHING ALIKE!! My mom seriously wants to write an angry letter to George Clooney complaining that this casting makes no sense. “WHERE DID HIS EYELASHES GO?!?!” was a phrase she uttered MORE THAN ONCE. AND SHE’S NOT WRONG.

WRONGER STILL? Tye is clearly the victim of any wigmaster’s most devious plot: THE RESHOOT WIG. His hair goes from wavy wigless to blown-out 80s straight as haphazardly as this move, well, tries to do anything!

WHAT IS THIS WIG?! What is this movie??? The entire second two thirds of it is about him entering into a Emilio Estevez in St. Elmo’s Fire obsession with an ivy league classmate that spans decades in this movie and also decades of my own brain capacity watching this movie. 

Also! Most of this movie is supposedly set in Long Island but because Ben Affleck is involved IT’S SET IN BOSTON. Ben Affleck was really set up for an Oscar campaign that didn’t materialize (don’t worry - he still has 2 Oscars for not acting!) Throughout the decades he goes from this retro blowout wig which is honestly fine to his real hair. 

THIS COULD LITERALLY BE A STILL FROM ANY BEN AFFLECK MOVIE OR HIS REAL LIFE.

In a parallel timeline/universe, Lily Rabe plays the mom who sports her same long (real) hair for most of the movie and ages not one bit and then in the final 10 minutes....

....is in the cast of Working Girl?!?!?! NO!!!

Truly and from the bottom of my heart: this entire film is a complete waste of time and isn’t as unintentionally funny as Hillbilly Elegy. Please do NOT WATCH IT. AND PLEASE NEVER INCUR THE WRATH OF A RESHOOT WIG (OR MY MOM’S CASTING ISSUES!)

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

You guys! I finally watched the lesbian holiday movie!! Though when I texted my mom to tell her I was finally watching this, she thought I was talking about The Prom and I laughed for a real long time about it (mainly because it will take me an even longer time to get around to hate watching that!) It already took about a month to get to this one. There is a lot to discuss here - and also one wig!

So this is the first (big budget) holiday lesbian movie, which I am very here for. However, most of the movie feels like a combination between My Best Friend’s Wedding, Meet the Parents, and The Family Stone but with lesbians. Those movies were made between 1997 and 2005 and this movie feels like it should exist somewhere in that time as well. The whole plot of the movie is basically that Kristen Stewart (Abby) has to pretend NOT to be Mackenzie Davis’s (Harper’s)  long-term girlfriend for the sake of Harper’s conservative family with local political aspirations while also spending 5 days with them during Christmas. It’s a conceit that exists solely in these brand of garbage holiday rom coms but definitely one that feels bizarrely antiquated as well. 

Anyway! There is only one wig in this movie which belongs to Davis, who had a vastly superior lesbian wig in that one episode of Black Mirror that made us all cry. We first see this under this hat where it should have hidden for the rest of the film! 

Sadly, the next scene involves the full emergence of this wig and truly: NO. This thing is dried out, bent, and disheveled in not a cool way (Stewart’s actual hair is disheveled in a cool way, though). The entire presence of this wig bothers me because: just have her have whatever hair she has? This is not a historical recreation (that I’m aware of?) and she is not playing a real person! This feels like when SNL cast members wear wigs in sketches for similarly non-existent reasons. However, SNL wigs are vastly superior to this mess!

So anyway, Harper invites Abby to have Christmas at her parents’ house in the heat of the moment during a very romantic (?) Pittsburgh Christmas lights tour which is apparently something that exists. Abby conveniently, and completely for the sake of this plot to work (?) does not like Christmas and also is an orphan, getting rid of any possible Christmas plan conflicts. And then literally on the way to visiting Harper’s family, she is all: by the way, they don’t know you’re my girlfriend or that I’m a lesbian and you have to go along with it for sake of this movie to exist even though this is absolutely a terrible thing to ask of anyone, periodt. But we are beginning to find out that Harper’s character is as full of garbage as her wig. 

So we meet the parents, who are Victor Garber, Mary Steenbergen, and also Mary Steenbergen’s iPad which vulture correctly identifies as the star of this movie AND IT IS. Especially during the end credits where we get to see all the pics the iPad takes! But I’m getting ahead of myself. The parents live in one of those cavernous houses that is definitely a mansion but tries to feel homey even though it probably has about 12 bedrooms and usually only exists in a Nancy Meyers movie. Despite its amount of bedrooms,  Abby has to sleep in a basement bunker which also doubles as a well organized rubbermaid storage unit. For the rest of the movie, Abby is treated like a subhuman trash person much in the way Ben Stiller is treated in Meet the Parents and Sarah Jessica Parker is treated in The Family Stone, except they don’t also have to pretend to not be in a relationship with the family member they arrived with. This conceit becomes so degrading that you honestly wonder why these people are still together!

Abby endures scene after scene of total nonsense and still looks better than the wig on her terrible girlfriend. Which starts actually looking better in a few of these scenes but still is very much a terrible and noticeable wig which is on par with Rachel McAdams’ wig in Mean Girls in that we are constantly told that these women are gorgeous and every single time I ask “YOU MEAN WITH THAT TERRIBLE WIG ON THEIR HEADS????” I suppose this wig was “necessary” because Harper’s two sisters also have long-ish brown hair so they were going for some sort of familial consistency except one daughter has a terrible wig and the other two have hair. Also one sister is Alison Brie, who plays a harpy so awful that she starts to make Harper look palatable and one sister is Mary Holland, who also cowrote the script, and definitely wrote herself the only character who I’d like to meet in real life. 

Along the way, we also meet Aubrey Plaza, who I usually hate because she is just one-note sullen, but here is actually great as Harper’s high school ex-girlfriend who Harper outted and allowed to be bullied and wow Harper - you have been terrible for decades!! Also compared to Harper, Aubrey has beautiful (real) hair, doesn’t lie to her entire family, and has actual chemistry with Abby. I very much wanted Abby to end up with Aubrey and I am not alone! Harper somehow avoids Abby for most of the time they are both staying in the same (albeit huge) house and there is even a dumb subplot about Abby being framed for shoplifting while trying to buy a gift for the parents’ very important white elephant gift exchange during their very important Christmas Eve party and I wonder if any of these people really knows what a white elephant gift is or how to exist in society? Meanwhile, as Harper reverts to being more falsely  heteronormative at her parents house, I started to wonder if her wig was trying to serve a larger purpose in showing how fake this character is but: no it’s just a bad wig. Also this movie really does the impossible: it makes me care about and feel bad for Kristen Stewart! 

Although I did find it highly questionable that though they are the stars of a romantic comedy, neither Kristen Stewart or Mackenzie Davis is funny AT ALL. Like not even a little! Which makes the “comedic” plight of Stewart all the more upsetting! All comedy is left to the one good daughter (Mary Holland) and also all gay men in the movie. This is mainly Abby’s bff and national (Canadian) treasure, Dan Levy and also Drag Race faves Jinxx Monsoon and Ben De-La-Creme in this one gay bar scene which is honestly truly inconceivable and except for further cementing the fact that Abby and Aubrey really should get together. 

In the end, Alison Brie finds out Harper’s TERRIBLE SECRET THAT NO ONE IN 2020 COULD POSSIBLY FATHOM (that she’s a lesbian) and they have a fight in the middle of the white elephant party which reveals that all the family has been competing for years for each other’s love which is really really messed up and now I kind of hate everyone in this family. And also Harper is outed to her entire terrible family and also Ana Gasteyer (and also a room full of other randos). And she denies her lesbian truth!  I recently watched Uncle Frank which is essentially everything Hillbilly Elegy wanted to be but is Shakespeare compared to that mess, and a similar scene occurs but that character bravely faces the truth - and in 1970s SOUTH CAROLINA!! I don’t know what time or space this movie thinks it exists in but it is baffling. Still, Dan Levy gives an emotional monologue about how no one can decide when anyone else is ready to come out of the closet so: FAIR. And then Harper does come out and the entire family kind gives absolutely no reaction to this until Victor Garber says it’s ok?? ABSOLUTELY AND TRULY BIZARRELY PATRIARCHAL. And then Harper and Abby get back together in the parking lot of a Love’s convenience store which is as cheesy and clunky as any garbage holiday rom com so I guess this is definitely a new holiday “classic” which I’ll probably watch 100 more times and hate Harper and her terrible wig each time about as much as I hate Laura Linney’s terrible life choices in Love, Actually. AS CONFOUNDING AS HARPER’S WIG OR THE CHOICE TO GIVE HER ONE AT ALL!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

You guys. It has come to my attention that I never got around to doing a wig review of The Crown. Nor, apparently, have I ever done a wig review of any season of The Crown!! Apologies all around. I guess this is probably because unlike most prestige TV, this show was given an actual wig budget which has resulted in actually good wigs (and that’s no fun to review!) Anyway, since I have now moved on to far more trashy British prestige TV viewing (Bridgerton), I will not do a full episode-by-episode review of The Crown but will take it character by character. Ahem:

THE QUEEN (AND PRINCE PHILIP)

Olivia Colman is, well, MY FAVOURITE but honestly, this season is not about her or her wigs, which are absolutely lovely wigs fit for a queen. And unlike most male wigs, Philip’s wig is not bad! It does not have the frightful issue most mens’ wigs possess: the fact that they jut out at the tape of the neck. Prince Philip is an absolute asshole and he does not deserve such a good wig, but whatever: he got one! Cheers to both these characters that no one actually cares about this season. Moving on!

MARGARET THATCHER AKA THAT BLOODY WOMAN

My father is from Northern England and my family still very much call Margaret Thatcher “THAT BLOODY WOMAN” and it is the only thing anyone should ever call her. My one issue with her portrayal in this show is that they try to make her seem like a human being with real, vulnerable emotions and not the evil gargoyle that she actually was. As an OG X-Files fan, I love Gillian Anderson and support the fact that she has now become a faux British person in a way that Madonna was never able to achieve and she is absolutely just fine as That Bloody Woman even if her wig is slightly larger than That Bloody Woman’s actual hair. 

Still, the quality of this wig is impeccable (as are all these wigs - please give shows actual wig budgets, people!) But I am very disappointed that this season really didn’t show That Bloody Woman to be the monster she was and didn’t even mention the fact that she gutted the English mining industry. For a far more accountable portrayal, please see this number from the musical version of Billy Elliot and please sing this song every damn Christmas. One thing I did learn is that the kitchen at 10 Downing St is tiny and apparently That Bloody Woman had to do a lot of cooking as PM. Ok?

PRINCESS MARGARET

Obviously, the only Margaret I care about in this show is PRINCESS MARGARET who has always been the goddamned coolest (and most heartbreaking) character on this show every season. Although her fashion is still ON POINT this season, her wig is mostly in some bun or french twist but still looks great?

Also I absolutely adore the royal family’s affinity for head scarves. Also look at how many jackets she is wearing! Princess Margaret can do whatever the eff she wants (except find love apparently...) and also I really applaud her for how she reacted to discovering her family covered up secret disabled cousins (!) while she was trying to get her own self care. OY VEY.

CAMILLA PARKER-BOWLES

Camilla has long been the UK’s enemy #1 and apparently this season of this show has created a renaissance of this feeling. However! As played by Emerald Fennell (who also wrote and directed the fabulous Promising Young Woman), Camilla is just a misunderstood gal who was forced into a loveless marriage by the queen mum and Lord Montbatten (RIP). This frizzy, bent as hell ‘do is honestly way better than Camilla has ever looked in her damn life. Amen.

PRINCESS DIANA

There is one true star of the royal family (STILL!) and of this season, and obvs that is Lady Di. We first see her as a teenage weirdo dressed as a tree nymph who later captures Charles’s heart by wearing yellow overalls and this damn sweater to a county fair. SURE!! Her first wig is as unfortunate as this outfit since it has the issue most male wigs has - it just out at the back!

As her hair grows longer, this becomes less of an issue. I will say that they did their best to recreate these iconic royal moments. 

I love that as her fame grows, so does her hair! These wigs are honestly impeccable even when Charles is not (TRULY UGH CHARLES). 

In the end, Charles and Diana’s marriage is a total effing MESS but these wigs totally can withstand high winds and horrible husbands/in-laws/lovers/80s fashion.

VERDICT: WURQS