I heard the utensils being arranged after wiping them on the kitchen shelf. The noise of clattering vessels kicked my spines to get goosebumps. I sensed the tension between the silence we both held after the party. Just before the lightning had the hearts sink in the pit, I saw the first drop of tears in her eyes. I was so insensitive and ignorant, I couldn't do well giving her a pat on her back and saying that everything was gonna be okay. If I had done it before, would it have changed how things turned out to be? I had no answer to the questions going on inside her head. Then I saw her bare face which was usually completely buried under coatings of make-up and the dark circles under her eyes spoke about countless nights she had spent awake worrying, turning and shifting in anxiety. I couldn't understand it then, couldn't decode the reason as to why she had to hide herself at the cost of her peace. All I could tell was the way her suffering sounded under the heavy downpour we had that night. Holding her journal, I feel so guilty not giving her a hug that night to say, "It is okay not to be perfect all time." Or I should have just taken part along with her to go through all the pain and sufferings. When I was not even ready to wipe her tears, I have no right to stand beside her in her joyful days. Like the time already decided with whom she should be, I left her before I could see her in her brightest days. She was like a flower, she budded, bloomed into a beautiful flower with colours of her own, when she withered, she was gentle and subtle about her withdrawal from this world, in the end, she was a giver to this world. I was nothing but another bug sucking life outta her. I feel guilty for not giving her the assurance she needed in this life. While I was playing busy, I should have put off those excuses to meet her when she was failing, and falling hard to every blow of life. And yet another morning I mourn her absence and the scent of her care around the air. I called off everything and lay on the floor just like she did and watched the void to understand her and regret not doing this sooner. -vaishdas, 'she lost to my selfishness and I lost her...'











