#worldmsday2016

Today is the worldMSday2016 and it is the first one I am aware of. Last year in March I’ve been diagnosed with MS - Multiple Sclerosis. The only thing I knew about this illness up to this point was: 

It’s impossible to cure

People who have MS will end up in a wheelchair very soon

To those who don’t know:  MS is a desease which causes your own cells to destroy the insulating covers of your nerve cells in your brain and the spinal cord. This can cause blindness, loss of feeling in your limbs, coordination problems, being paralyzed, chronic fatigue and constant pain.

Needless to say - I cried for days and days and weeks. And I still cry. During this time I realised who my real friends were. And thanks to my friends and family I eventually got around and managed to deal with it. I accepted it and managed to arrange myself with everything I had to. I learned that MS does not mean ending up in a wheelchair. I learned that it affects every single person differently and that it’s impossible to tell how things will turn out.

Because no one knows what the illness will do to my body. 

Every single day I fear that I wake up the next day and suddenly won’t be able to see again. Or that I won’t be able to feel my legs again. That I wake up in such pain that I can’t move or that I’m so exhausted and tired that I will not be able to even lift my arms. Every time I inject my medicine I fear that the side-effect, called a ‘flush’ will kick right in and I’ll have troubles breathing and get sick.  Because these things are all possible.

And a few of those things already happened. I wasn’t able to see for a day. I couldn’t feel one of my legs and my arm. I’m almost always so tired that it’s a struggle to get out of bed. I need a break after taking a shower because it’s too exhausting for me. The act of injecting the medicine hurts and sometimes it makes me sick.

Last year during my diagnosis, my neuroligist offered me to consult a therapist with whom I could talk. I said that I didn’t need that. That I could handle everything by myself. And that there are a lot of people who struggle with worse things. I felt like I don’t have the right to seek help.

Thanks to my best friend, I talked to my doctor last week. It turned out I’ve developed a depression over the last year and while I was talking to the doctor, I realised it for myself for the first time. It was hard to admit that I need help but I realised that it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. My doctor told me that it’s okay. The soul and mind can get develop illnesses that need to be treated just like the body. And that even if there are people who struggle with worse things - I’m allowed to be sad and angry and worried. 

Because the thing is: 

I refuse to give up. Doing nothing will not make things any better. Instead of focussing on what I lost - I focus on the things I won because of the illness. Because ever since I’ve got the diagnosis... I got closer with my friends. I changed my diet and now I feel a lot better with the things I eat now. I do a lot more sports and feel great with it. I appreciate the little things more. I appreciate so many things that I didn’t pay attention before. Even waking up and being able to stand up is something that I cherish. Because I know it could be over any second for me. I play the violin a lot more again and write songs. Things I enjoyed already are even more enjoyable for me now. Sports, eating, reading, drawing, playing video games and writing. Being with my friends. 

And I do hope that if you suffer from MS as well - please try to focus on what you have earned instead of what you’ve lost. Enjoy yourself as best as you can and talk to whoever you trust whenever you feel the need to. And if you need help - ask for help. Stay strong. I know you can do it. This is not the end of your world, even if it sometimes may seem like it is. 

To everyone who read through all this - please share this post. Maybe there are others out there who just got diagnosed and don’t know what to do. Or maybe there is someone out there who’s already diagnosed long ago and is still struggling. Or there are people whose friends/family members are affected. And maybe this can help someone. 

Because you don’t have to live with the MS.  The MS has to live with you.