#wordvommit

You’re not a hero in unrequited love, you’re the victim, (coloringtheworldwithwords)

#Repost @11myth11 ・・・ Still learning this on my journey. #closedmouth #insertfootintomouth #wordvommit

I’d let you destroy me one more day, because your kiss meant that much to me. You keep saying that you’ve left me, yet you leave a trail of “come here” words hoping I’ll follow your lead; maybe we could be alone here this time. I like to think of a time and a place where we could fall into each other and remake the times of the past, live in those moments, breathe them in.  I wonder if we’d feel it more deeply, hold onto it more carefully, if we held each other knowing it was the final time we’d have. I never knew you would disappear..I never knew the last time I kissed you with passion would be the last time I felt passion with a person at all. It’s been a while and I still wonder why God doesn’t send the signals when the final touch is the last touch, when the final word is the last word, the final look, the last look, the final breath that ends it all. Why is there no signal that goes off in our hearts when people eyes turn away and we watch them leave, trusting nothing could change between now and tomorrow? I’d let you ruin me all over again, I’d let you recklessly drag me through your doubts, and I’d love every minute of it. I’m addicted to everything about you and if I had been more prepared for your departure, I would have kissed you so fucking hard that you would have never left. There would have never been a final goodbye, a final kiss, a final touch... And even if there would be, at least I would have seen it coming. 

There’s so much I have yet to learn, so much I have to be taught to understand about the world around me. It’s no fucking lie when people say your 20′s are your hardest years, though, they never tell you that until you hit your 20′s and, mind you, it’s usually when you’re curled up in the fetal position in bed, with empty ben and jerrys cartons laying around your room, netflix playing in the background, and your sobbing over how to pay all that payments that are due which life just burries you with. Life is honestly this crazy maze that we all have to work through, and it’s a serious struggle. I don’t know how anyone in their early 20′s is doing it on their own right now, and if they are I highly commend them and bow down to them because I have no idea how you fuckers figured it out. After graduating college and seeing REAL money deposited into my account I was like “OH, pftt, I got this.” I started building a savings, my dad started to let go of helping me out with payments, and I was doing great. I probably made it to being 80% independent without my dads help, feeling like a full on functional adult and then BAM.. All at once, everything fell onto me.  My dad stopped helping with my rent....$600 gone. My phone broke over the weekend, bought a new one...$140 gone...and tack on another $70 for the money my dad is now requiring me to pay to help out with the phone bill... And then, I got into a car accident...$500 deductible...a totaled car and now I’m on the search for a new car which will probably require me to make $300-$400 monthly payments. Now, tack on another $60-$80 for the car insurance I now need to pay because my dad kicked me off. I’m literally freaking the fuck out.  In 4 months, my student loans will be rolling in....God knows how much those are.  I’ve never had to really worry about payments or bills or insurance or any of that crap. Life literally just started punching me in the face the second I turned 20. I could lay out all my expenses, break down everything I owe monthly, on top of luxuries I’d like to have, and necessities I need to survive.  Looking at the big picture I literally have no idea how I’ll make it. I make great money doing the career I have and it’s important that I love what I do. I work with great people who literally are my second family and help me and support me in anyways that they can. Their life advice and wisdom has meant more to me than anything, and honestly, without them, I wouldn’t know half the shit about LIFE AND my career as I do now, and that’s a legit fact.  But because my career is over populated, the best I’ll get is a per diem...for a while. There have been a few openings for full time positions but I’ve always lost out to the veterans who want to move around shifts and work something new and different. It’s frustrating to be fresh out of college and fighting for hours....having to pull 2 jobs and crazy hours just to make decent money that won’t even cover half of what I’ve mentioned. Sometimes I work so hard, I literally have a full week where I do not see the sun except for at 7am on my drive to work, 4pm on my drive out of work and to my next job and I don’t see it til the next morning. There are days where I literally have no life, because I need to pick up any and every shift so that I can make the exact same amount of money that everyone else makes working one job for 40 hours a week...and they only have to work 7-4 and they are free for the night. I know I’m complaining and I’m seeing all the negatives. I know it will work out and I know my parents wouldn’t watch me crash and burn, but this is something real and this is something I need to figure out...and I just don’t get how anyone ever makes it in this world alone, financially. Times have changed and people can’t be alone anymore...it’s nearly impossible. I don’t know how I’ll make it, but I know I will. I know, someday, when I have a steady and serious relationship, that would help tremendously. Income would be doubles and expenses would be split. I can’t wait for the day where I have a partner to love and to share things with...and I’m not just talking about financially, though that would help a lot.  I just needed to vent that like, this is the shit the need to teach us in school. Like why does no one actually tell us that your 20s are a fucking struggle. Why do we spend so much time finding angles and finding the answer for y when shit like that doesn’t apply to real life. Our society has to spend far more time on teaching kids that there are EXPENSES in this life and it’s important to BUDGET and be RESPONSIBLE. They need to teach that it’s possible to do it on your own and they need to teach it in a way so that kids are informed and knows what real adulthood contains, not just the immature, irrelevant pieces like buying cigarettes and porn and being able to drink legally at bars/clubs. They don’t tell you that having no credit is just as bad as having bad credit. They don’t tell you that your entire fucking life is a catch fucking 22. And it pisses me off so much because I KNOW I’m not the only one that struggles with this and it sucks so much for our parents to have to raise and almost 100% support us, their kids, far beyond 18.. It’s just frustrating, I’m frustrated and I’m done. I know it’ll all come together, but fuck, life is the most difficult fucking thing to figure out ever. 

Goodnight! 💋

Hello Dean and Sam Winchester. Haha!

I love how you look at the world as it if never broke your heart. You are not the skyscrapers that tower over city streets, you are city lights, coming to life at night when the rest of the world choses to fade out. You thrive in the fact that darkness exists, providing people happiness, providing others guidance in a time where faith and light is needed most.  You are fucking times square lit up at night, and you've ignited my soul. I watch in awe; day in and day out, you're always the sun beneath the stars. When others watch you, they don't see your pain, leading a life being taken for granted. But I see you. I see you in the dark alley ways that you refuse to light.  I see you in the cracks beneath my feet, places you cannot reach. I see you linger in shadows behind people who may have harmed you. I see you in every darkened building of every tall skyscraper. I see you. And I know the world is too busy to give a crap, too busy to take notice to the fact that no happy person is as they seem. But I watch you and I see you and I know that behind every ray of light is a glimpse of the painful truth, it's just know one usually pays attention. Thank you for being my light when my darkness comes each night, when I'm too weak and vulnerable to glow and be okay. Thank you for lighting my alley ways, and my cracks, and the shadows behind the people I could never trust. Through your brokenness, you have mended my pain. I hope from seeing you beyond your light, that I can mend you too. Because you are fucking city lights, times square, the las vegas strip at night. And I will always see you as you are; city lights, light up my life. 

Sentiments while trying to clean up the closet.