Winterironhawk on a mission together?
This is full of plotholes and nonsense, but have some random Winterironhawk mission fic:
Sometimes Clint really hates his job.
âRemind me again why Iâm on this rooftop freezing my balls off while you seduce the billionaire,â Clint mutters, looking down the sight into the window of the ballroom.
âBecause you see better from a distance,â Buckyâs voice says in his ear.Â
âDonât you like the view?â asks Tony.
Clint drops the scope down a little bit, just far enough to get a good long look at Buckyâs assets - and, as he spins round on the dance floor, Tonyâs assets as well. Tony puts an extra swing in his step that Clint knows is on purpose.
âThe viewâs great, but Iâm not sure itâs worth the cost,â Clint tells him. âIâm pretty sure Iâm getting frostbite on parts of my body I have it on reasonable authority that youâre both pretty fond of.â
âWeâll still love you if your balls fall off,â Bucky says and Clint can hear Tony stifling a laugh in an attempt to appear sensible and high society on the dancefloor.
âI was talking about my fingers, asshole,â Clint says.
âWhy arenât you wearing gloves?â Bucky asks.
âHave you tried shooting arrows with gloves on?â
âWell thatâs stupid,â Tony says. âWhat are you supposed to do if itâs snowing? Wear mittens? As adorable as that would be - and I am buying you both mittens - I for one am very fond of both your balls and your fingers. Iâm sure it canât be too difficult to make you some thermal gloves that are thin and flexible enough to allow you near full sensitivity and range of motion. And in the meantime⌠I can come up with a few ideas to warm them back up.â
âItâs April,â Bucky says. âYouâre fine. The temperature hasnât dropped below eight degrees all night.â
âThatâs not including the wind chill factor,â Clint mutters, but he swings his scope back to the upstairs windows, exactly where the object of their mission is. The blueprints for AIMâs new weapon. Bucky and Tony should be able to sneak away to get to the computer in the next few minutes. Clint is their backup plan.
A movement catches his eye. Two people, a man and a woman, pushing into the room, wrapped in what seems to be a passionate embrace. Clint raises an eyebrow.
âWhat are the odds that some happy-go-lucky couple just happened to pick the room with the hard drive in to go and have some fun?â he asks casually.
âGiven theyâd have to go up two flights of stairs and get through two locked doors, Iâm going with unlikely,â Bucky comments.
âYeah, thatâs what I thought,â Clint says. âI hate to move straight to the big finale, but we might have to skip the foreplay, gentlemen.â He watches the couple as they separate and the woman stabs her companion in the neck with a syringe. âBut it looks like we have a gatecrasher at this party and her date is sleeping like a baby.â
âWeâre on our way,â Bucky says, the background noise on the comms has lessened.
âOne day maybe we should have a date that doesnât involve theft and murder,â Tony says, though he doesnât sound too annoyed. âIâm not complaining, who doesnât like a bit of excitement, but it would be a refreshing change of pace.â
âIâm not dressing up in one of those monkey suits,â Clint says, tracking the woman through his sight. He canât shoot her without breaking the window and breaking the window would set off the alarms, which they really donât want to happen before Bucky and Tony have got what they came for.
âAnd you asked why you were the one sitting on the roof,â Bucky says. âThis is why we canât have nice things, Clint.â
âNo, we canât have nice things because the world is full of supervillains hell bent on destroying us and taking over the world,â Tony corrects. âClintâs aversion to formal wear is why I donât get to live out my fantasy of being double-teamed by James Bond.â
âAw⌠now I want to wear a monkey suit,â Clint says. âLooks like sheâs into the computer, guys. Sheâs good.â
âWeâre better,â Tony says.
âArrogance will get you killed,â Bucky tells them both.
âItâs nice to know you care, honeypie,â Tony tells him and Clint hears the sound of a kiss. His shoulders sag a bit. Heâs missing out on kissing. They are so going to have to make this up to him.
âAre you close? Because I think she is,â Clint tells them.
âThatâs what she said,â Tony says, but his voice has lowered to a whisper.
âWeâre close,â Bucky says. âAnd I have an idea. Tony, get in here.â
There are the sounds of muffled protests and Clint frowns, trying to work out what the hell is going on.
âDid you honestly just shut me in a cupboard?â Tony asks, sounding offended.
âWait for the cue, then come out and go and complete the mission,â Bucky says. âIâm going to take care of our cuckoo.â
âWhatâs the cue?â Tony asks.
Clint watches the woman through the window as she pulls the drive from the computer and stands up, slipping it into her cleavage, which is kind of cliche.
âItâs down her top,â Clint says.
âGot it,â Bucky says.
âYouâd better not be about to grope catwoman,â Tony says. Bucky doesnât reply - well, not to Tony.
âExcuse me, maâam,â Bucky says. âThis area is off limits to the public.â Clint canât make out what the woman says in response. âSorry, maâam, but Iâm going to have to ask you to come with me. Security reasons, you understand. There are some very sensitive and expensive items in this area.â Thereâs another pause, presumably while the nice lady tries to charm Bucky into letting her go, Clint almost laughs. âBe that as it may, maâam, Iâm afraid I have a job to do, and Iâve got very specific orders. If you can come with me, into the Magnolia room, weâll see about sorting this misunderstanding out.â
âAbout time,â Tony mutters. âNext time you want to shove me in a closet Barnes, make sure it doesnât smell like damp cloth - Iâm never going to get the smell out of this jacket.â
Clint sees the door to the room open again and Tony walk in, heading for the computer.
âOK, so time to get the plans, wipe the hard drive and leave a nice little surprise for whoever looks at them next,â Tony says, before starting to mutter to himself about the computer security.
Meanwhile, he can still hear Bucky going through the role of tired and dedicated, but not too bright security guard. Heâs asking the basic questions, glossing over things that donât make sense and being very apologetic about it all.
âOf course, maâam, I just have a few more-â Buckyâs voice chokes off and Clint starts. He swings his sight round to try to find him, but the curtains of the next room over are drawn, because of course they are. He can make out a shadow, but he canât tell whether theyâre facing towards him or away from him. All he can tell is that the lady thief is definitely trying to choke Bucky out. If he shoots, heâll hit both of them.
âYou fucker,â Clint mutters at him. He swings back and sees that Tony has frozen.
âWhatâs happening?â Tony asks.
âBuckyâs having a little trouble,â Clint says. âKeep going. Iâve got it. Bucky, I need you to make sure that sheâs between you and the window, okay?â
There is a grunt from the other end of the comms.
âIâm gonna take that as a yes,â Clint tells him. âNext time you decide to play hapless security guard, make sure the curtains are open, okay?â
âThe curtains are closed?â Tony asks. âYou canât see them? Even you canât shoot blind!â
âI never miss,â Clint says. âIâve got this. You do your thing, Iâll do mine. And be ready, as soon as I break that window, all hellâs going to break loose.â
âFuck, she stabbed me with something,â Bucky says.
âProbably the same thing she used on the guy in here,â Tony says. âI should check whether heâs alive.â
âNo,â Clint says. âKeep going.â Tony turns to glare right at him out the window. âTrust us, Tony, itâs going to be fine.â Clint hopes heâs telling the truth. He reaches up to tap his ear, switching onto the private comms. âBucky, private line. Howâs it going?â
âParalytic,â Bucky says, his voice tight.
âFuck⌠okay. Well, plan b it is.â
âThnk wr on pln ee nw,â Bucky says, the paralytic clearly taking effect.
âThe guy in here with me,â Tony says. âI donât think heâs breathing. Clint. Heâs not breathing. Bucky, say something.â
âTony. Iâve got a plan,â Clint says.
And then he does the really stupid thing.
In general, people donât expect to be attacked by a six foot three man ziplining through a window with a bow. And the element of surprise is surprisingly effective.
By some fluke of fate, he even manages to time it so he kicks the woman right in the face, with both feet. Ha! Heâs totally going to claim that was on purpose.
âGet the fuck away from my boyfriend,â he says and she blinks at him, clearly woozy from his boots hitting her head. She actually has a footprint on her face. The alarms kick in then and she looks between him and Bucky lying on the floor, rigid, but his eyes bright with anger, and she shrugs, turning to run out the door.
âWell, so much for subtle,â he says, heading over to Bucky. âYou okay? Right. You canât talk. Or walk⌠and you weigh like 240. HuhâŚâ
âWrng ff,â Bucky says through a jaw that doesnât move. Clint looks down and sees his index finger twitch. âLl be light ân foo uhnutsâ
âYouâll be alright in a few minutes?â Clint translates. âToo bad weâve only got a few seconds before the real security guys get in here, and she got away with the files.
âNo, she didnât,â Tony says, stepping through the doors, adjusting his cuffs, and Clint sees the hint of one of his Iron Man gauntlets disappearing back up his sleeve. He looks down at Bucky and the fear is evident on his face.
ââM fân,â Bucky says.
âYou donât look fine, Buttercup,â Tony says. He turns as they hear the sounds of thudding footsteps in the corridor. âSo how do we play this?â
âWell, thereâs not much point trying to be subtle now,â he points out. Tony looks at him and grins.
âYou make a good point.â
Clint will never get tired of the way the nanotechnology suit glides over Tonyâs body. Itâs like⌠the opposite of a striptease, but itâs just as damn sexy.Â
The door bursts open and five security guards find themselves face to face with Iron Man.
Sometimes Clint really loves his job.