#whatthehelliswrongwithme

Do ya’ll ever just zone out in the middle of a conversation while your friend’s talking about a natural disaster and then you suddenly zone back in and hear the words “Burnt down my house”?

So I have a friend, whom I love very much and treasure. Recently I've had some kind of feelings towards him. And like most of our big friend group, we'll jokingly flirt in front of peeps etc, it's just kind of one of the bits that will come up. That's always been that way. But recently I think the bit has become a bit too real, at least on my side. I genuinely find myself blushing and daydreaming about this person now.

We've been pretty close and I consider him one of my closest friends in this group. But lately there's been a part of me that genuinely has become infatuated. And it's very...I don't know, troubling? I'm pretty confident this person could not return feelings in any way and is vaguely uncomfortable with that kinda stuff. He's effectively asexual/aromantic. So it's just aghrh I don't know.

Even after coming out as trans which frankly I was a little worried about with this friend, it went over fine. If anything he's one of the people that makes the most effort to call me by preferred pronouns and refer to me as such. And that kindness is noted, it genuinely means the world to me when people correct themselves or others on my behalf.

And I like to think there's a spark of some kind of connection, unclear if it could be romantic. There's a part of me that wants to teach this person a version of love that works for him and me and maybe that's fucked up but God I can't help it. He's just so...sweet, and I think he deserves something sweet too, and I feel like I could be that sweetness.

I think these feelings also stem from recent feelings that have been brought up in my mind, missing relationships. I haven't been in one for 2 years now and it kinda just...sucks. I miss the feeling of being in one. It's very nice to hear things like "I love you" from friends and have their reassurance and support. It's another thing to have a partner, someone who really does have your back y'know. And I don't know if I've ever had someone like that before. But that doesn't stop me from yearning, and hoping beyond hope to have someone like that.

I'm not sure if I just let these feelings simmer and burn out over time or if I actually bother talking about it to him. I hate it. Why do I yearn for the impossible.