#weight rant

I see people on Facebook that have taken GLP1s for the past year and have lost A LOT of weight. I am also on GLP1s and I have lost maybe 25-30 lbs? I don't feel like I've lost anything else so I haven't weighed myself in two months. It makes me nervous and scared because I feel like I've gained all my weight back because all I've ever done in life is yoyo and watch everyone around me get skinny and cute and I'm still a fucking wildebeest.

I got my blood done and apparently there are a LOT of abnormalities in it with my hormones especially. A lot of my hormones are high which I don't know if that means my body just produces more energy so I have to shove food in my face but my metabolism is slow as fuck so I just continue to gain weight?

Even though I don't know if I've gained weight because I don't weigh myself because it literally terrifies me.

So I am not only a hormonal mess but the only time in my life that I have been skinny and lost a good amount of weight was when I was bulimic and anorexic. And everyone STILL fucking said to me "ya know if you lost more weight you'd be so pretty". Yeah I know! Why do you think I shove my finger down My throat anytime I eat literally anything??

There was a bush that grew underneath my window growing up and it died because we only had one bathroom so when my mom was in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner, I couldn't just go downstairs and throw up because she'd hear me so I did it out of my window, for years.

So shame on me for having a fucking complex when my whole world has just been about losing weight and you'd be a better person overall if you just lost weight. Would I? Truly? Wtf does that have to do what anything??

Like fuck off. Wtf does my ass being fat have to do with my personality?? It doesn't. Why does the size of my clothes matter so fucking much to people? Whether I'm a size 18, 16, 12, 10 wtf does it matter? How does a number give me more self worth?? Even if I was a size 10 I would always have body dysphoria because even when I weighed 160lbs I was still seen as fat and unworthy of attention or love.

So do I get a break ever? Do I ever just get to be happy in my own fucking body?? Or will I constantly put my self worth and weight in the same fucking category?

I also laugh and pity those who are pro ana cuz that’s not how it actually works... you’re born with the bone or body structure for thin legs or a thighs gap... i know a person who is trying to starve herself but i know it’s going to backfire... i feel like she’d actually love herself if she lost it the right way...

SW: 150

CW: 146.4

I am really putting myself to the test this holiday season!

My resolution this year won’t be to get back on track with my health and fitness for I plan to already be on that track. It is going to be awesome to never have that in my head as a resolution again.  I remember the first year I had it down as a resolution and how terrible it made me feel I was now one of millions that had to find ways to bring back my will power.  

 RANT: The thought of it alone derailed me instead of inspiring me.  I must be honest, having a man tell me they love my figure the way it is gave me massive confidence but didn’t change the way my clothes fit or how I felt about showing my arms and things like that at work.  The people in my work place see me as a prime fitness example but have been duked for a few years for I was out of the fitness and up 25 pounds covering my extra weight with spanks underneath loose fitting clothes.  I went from a size 4 at my fittest to a size 8-10.  Now a size eight is a great size but it don’t look so good on a very small framed girl who is that size because of fat gain. I also miss my hourglass figure! Seems my weight went to my back, sides, and arms. Thank goodness it didn’t go all to my legs or I would not be able to put on a skirt to fool people I am still fit and not carrying 25 lds of fat on me underneath my clothes. I went from 36-26-34 (I have no ass) to 38-31-37. My boobs are huge and busting out of my bras and blazers! I’s tacky!  I can’t zip up most of my jackets either. My bikini went from a small to almost XL.

Rant completed.