my mind is my weapon cocked and loaded 18+

Of course I'm not hurting my family and friends, even strangers - why should I do that? But oh boy, the whole realm now receives my hate and sincere despise. Like YOU MADE ME THIS WAY NOW GET THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR BITCH I REFUSE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, FUCK YOU! So yeah. Since then I just, ugh, whatever bitches, I did nothing wrong in my life, I just appeared here and tried my best, and you know what? You can't swim if everything tryes to drown you, including your own body. It's bullshit.

So yeah, I refuse to hurt myself, fuck them all. Wish you best.

Thank you nonnie.

I've been in pain. I've been making excuses. I've been emotional, tired, scared, sad, angry and I am so sick of it. I'm sick of trying to find myself when she's been screaming at me this whole time to do something different. Change my routines, change the way I look at myself the way i feel about things. Weight, dressing the way I should. I want to stop all of the outside inputs and start to find me again.

And I am still scared. Terrified and tired and in pain and tired of being tired.

I want to start and that terrifies me. I want to make myself accountable and that scares me and I don't want to do it because I want to look a certain way or be skinny I want to do it to feel better. To not wake up in pain everyday to start loving and living life again with my husband.

I need to start and I need to make small changes. I know it won't happen overnight and it may take time and some days I might not get done what I want but I need to understand that I'm not just starting over each day I'm continuing to do better.

I am going to order one of those walking pads. I have weights to use but I just want to start moving my body regularly. And since I never leave my house unless it is necessary. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but like am I just agoraphobia or just my anxiety. Going to a grocery store? Forget it! My anxiety is fucking ridiculous I forget half of the shit I need to get. I see my clients at work and that's literally all I leave the house for lately and my doctor appointments. Which are endless.

Yes Gina Carano is my inspo for Emerald. And obviously self insert. But Gina was my first inspiration because she's so beautiful to me, and strong. (Not counting the recent fight with Rhonda. I don't wanna talk about it 🫠)

I'm not sure how to feel about that or like... It's fucking weird.

I feel like I'm still a teenager or in my 20s, mentally. Physically I'm a fucking mess lmao.

My husband worked last night so he's sleeping. I'm by myself in our house and I just don't know wtf to do with myself. I have today off and I should be like yay it's my birthday but I'm just like... Fuckin who cares? Lol it's just another day.

I've heard that my entire life. You're so awesome when you apply yourself! You do such a good job when you're present and able to.

Most of the time I am unable to due to depression, anxiety, migraines what have you.

Do I wish it was different? Yes. I want to work at 100% 100% of the time. But I can't. No one really can. I work at 50 present most days and others I'm on like 10. So, I don't know how to explain that shit during a review. Like yeah no kidding I do better when I'm literally doing better. Would I like to be a normal function human being??? Yeah obviously. I have a therapist working on it with me. I'm just fucking tired all the time. Like lethargic. Like I don't fuckin care one way or the other. But I do always care deeply, so when I put things off that I care about like work I basically hold off til the last minute to do them it's exhausting. And the easiest solution is like don't do that. Do it day by day little by little so it doesn't stack up and makes your head go scanners and explode.

And new diagnosis like PMDD which I've told my doctors I've had this before and they just are like yeah! A lot of women have it ........ Cool! Do we wanna do anything about it??? Since it makes me feel like I'm fucking manic 80% of the time!