my mind is my weapon cocked and loaded 18+

It's fucking gross. Everything is gross.

The fact that my groceries for maybe a week and a half with just me and my husband are almost 400$ and my pay hasn't improved yet my work has doubled.

The rich stay rich and we're all fucking wondering why. AI is killing us and we're sitting back watching it happen.

I've used AI in the past like oh yeah funny haha here's a cute picture, not anymore brah. Like it's literally killing the only mother who cares about all of us and she's the only one we'll get and we just continue to dump on her.

Of course I'm not hurting my family and friends, even strangers - why should I do that? But oh boy, the whole realm now receives my hate and sincere despise. Like YOU MADE ME THIS WAY NOW GET THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR BITCH I REFUSE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, FUCK YOU! So yeah. Since then I just, ugh, whatever bitches, I did nothing wrong in my life, I just appeared here and tried my best, and you know what? You can't swim if everything tryes to drown you, including your own body. It's bullshit.

So yeah, I refuse to hurt myself, fuck them all. Wish you best.

Thank you nonnie.

I've been in pain. I've been making excuses. I've been emotional, tired, scared, sad, angry and I am so sick of it. I'm sick of trying to find myself when she's been screaming at me this whole time to do something different. Change my routines, change the way I look at myself the way i feel about things. Weight, dressing the way I should. I want to stop all of the outside inputs and start to find me again.

And I am still scared. Terrified and tired and in pain and tired of being tired.

I want to start and that terrifies me. I want to make myself accountable and that scares me and I don't want to do it because I want to look a certain way or be skinny I want to do it to feel better. To not wake up in pain everyday to start loving and living life again with my husband.

I need to start and I need to make small changes. I know it won't happen overnight and it may take time and some days I might not get done what I want but I need to understand that I'm not just starting over each day I'm continuing to do better.

I am going to order one of those walking pads. I have weights to use but I just want to start moving my body regularly. And since I never leave my house unless it is necessary. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but like am I just agoraphobia or just my anxiety. Going to a grocery store? Forget it! My anxiety is fucking ridiculous I forget half of the shit I need to get. I see my clients at work and that's literally all I leave the house for lately and my doctor appointments. Which are endless.

Yes Gina Carano is my inspo for Emerald. And obviously self insert. But Gina was my first inspiration because she's so beautiful to me, and strong. (Not counting the recent fight with Rhonda. I don't wanna talk about it 🫠)