struggling with my weight. long post below
I hate my weight and size. I'm constantly wishing I were skinnier. Not like 100lbs heavy but something similar to what I was in high school. And I know that that was a time where I was still growing and very active, my metabolism was running faster because of the need to grow.
And yet I'm still trying to achieve that and it feels unrealistic. I should be striving for something actually maintainable, but when I do that I don't feel comfortable with my size. I can't move like I used to because of chronic pain and restriking my diet has helped in loosing quite a bit of weight but them I struggle to maintain it because I'm craving things that add to the issue of not staying restrictive enough.
Apart of me knows this is "diet culture" and I should only try to achieve being healthy, even if being healthy means being heavier. But I constantly feel like I'm under watch or judged for what I eat and how I look that it makes it uncomfortable to be the weight I am.
Trying to unpack all of this still leaves me with a need to want to "get skinny" and that is frustrating. Also media going backwards to viewing these extremely starved people as attractive is just reminding me of my childhood and that was the goal.
The other part is not getting validation for my current size. I feel undesirable because I'm not skinny. I'm not attractive because I have a belly and thighs that rub together. It's a daily fight of what can I do to make myself smaller. Its tiring and chips at any motivation to try and be happy with myself.
After loosing 40lbs and getting a grip on my excessive eating you'd think I'd be happy with myself. And although I am happier, I don't feel comfortable wearing certain things because you can see my belly. I've also noticed that my neck is larger and therefore makes it so I have no jawline and I'm extremely insecure about it. At least I can hide my stomach under a shirt, but I can't hide my neck.
I'm really frustrated and depressed that I'm so absorbed by my flaws that I can't enjoy what I've done for myself already.
Anyway, this post is basically like a diary entire that the internet can read, and I've gained like 5-7lbs and I'm struggling to drop them. I haven't been back to the gym in 2 weeks. But I feel like going to the gym is very much "hey, look at this fat person trying to get thin." instead of, this is the only place where I can do something I enjoy.
I guess it boils down to...I always feel like I'm being judged whether by others or myself. And that is something I need to work on, I'm just not sure how.
