#weight problems

This last days of vacation with my family have been really great, cool and refreshing but i had to face some truth too :(

Nothing to bad but I took weight. Too much too fast in just a year, over 10kg and i am well quite small so… (passed from 45 to 55… i know it’s probably ridiculed but still it shows underneath)

I know t’s not like very bad, some got it way worst, my imc is normal and i just took a size of pants i guess… oh and i have quite a few stretch marks as well. (I had a few white ones since a while on the legs but i got lot of red ones one… i have cream for it) It’s not like too bad but limit. Really limit.

I never ever worry about it before i was always kinda underweight. Not that i care really if i was more sportive and a bit more muscular it wouldn’t show too much either. Maybe that’s why i took so much weight. I was always used to eat everything i wanted when i wanted or couldn’t finish big portion. It it never caused issue for years. But i have an adult body now i guess.

But idk… i will try to eat lesser portion and better food but idk what meal i should do and bc of my study i have roommates (i changed appartements so i will have better ones and we might share meals so i hope we will) and we don’t have a car so i can’t like buy vegetables and fruits and fresh stuff every 3 days! (Plus it’s expensive)

Maybe need to move Seriously and do some sports seriously would help. I wanna but it’s dumb i’d love to go to the gym but i don’t want other people to be here… (it’s dumb really)

At 180 lbs, I started running every day. I cut my diet significantly. Salads and veggies, a little chicken. The occasional slice of pizza. I still gained weight. The doctor told me to “eat less and exercise more” even though that’s what I’d done. 

At 240 lbs, I hired a personal trainer. This wasn’t cheap. I poured $3,000 into my training, and I told her to beat me the fuck up. I NEEDED to lose weight. I continued to gain weight despite working out to within an inch of my life three times a week. 

At 290 lbs, I could no longer run because my knees hurt too much. I went to Medical Weight Loss. They starved me. I lost a tiny bit of weight to the tune of about 1lb/month, which was WAY less than a person of my weight should have been losing with the tiny amount I was allowed to eat. I spent close to $5,000 in the program. It was a good chunk of the inheritance from my grandma. 

I had headaches all the time. I had no energy. My thyroid stopped working due to my near-constant state of starvation. Because I had nothing left to metabolize my anti-psychotics, my medication stopped working and the disorder it was supposed to manage started getting bad. I lost friends. 

My doctor still said “eat less, exercise more.” 

Fat phobia not only hurts people who are comfortable with their weight, but it also prevents people who are gaining weight for no reason from getting help. My problem is treated as a personal failure that I can correct, rather than a metabolic fuckup I need help to fix. I don’t mind being fat. But I need to stop gaining weight. 

I’m 320 lbs now. 

I ordered new exercise clothes--3x so they’d be comfortably baggy. They were too small. They don’t fit. I threw them onto the floor of my closet. They’re worthless because I will never lose the weight. They will never fit.

It’s getting to a point where I can’t wash myself properly. 

I can barely exercise. I walk as much as I can, but my knees hurt so much. I’m eating a Jell-o cup or a small salad once a day. A total of less than 500 calories, usually significantly less. 

I can’t be comfortable because there’s something wrong. I want to love myself. I want to be happy. I want to stop having to buy clothes every couple months because the old ones stop fitting. 

I’m remembering that one girl that told me how she’d skip days of eating a week...