#void diary

I can feel it constantly. After a week of trying a non duality challenge, it truly feels like I am just consciousness. Just awareness experiencing life.

Though I have yet to simply just be and be able to let go of my body. This is a huge step in my personal journey, and have made me a lot calmer about a lot of things.

Early in the morning, I woke up, but was still tired so I just looked at my ceiling for a short while. Then I decided to try to LD again and i closed my eyes and almost tried forcing myself to fall asleep but instead I entered the Void. And.. it was so easy??

I didn’t even really get that I was in the void. Like every other time I’ve entered that state it just feels like an in between state kind of. I feel completely like I’m 100% me, but like- more like a newly opened document with just an idea scribbled down.

I didn’t affirm for anything. Was just a bit annoyed I didn’t LD. so I decided to just wake up again:( shouldn’t have done that but whatever

It throws me so off and I am no longer able to keep myself in that state long enough to truly believe in what I’m affirming cus WHY AM I BEING TICKLED

And so I bought a fortune cake.. aaandd

And then she's like: "why don't you just call yourself agendered then?" But I feel that still affirms gender as a primary categorization of being that's posed as inescapable (universal). Is gender so viscous that it sticks to those who want nothing to do with it? It feels that way. Gender is like this gooey substance we must wade through in every interaction, it sticks to my skin and clothes and seeps into my pores and bones.

All said and done the conversation didn't end in agreement and really felt like two ships passing in the night. I realize she is trying to figure out how to affirm my existence, but I really don't want Me affirmed that way. Also she gets really upset at my "preffered pronoun is guttural screaming" joke even though she's very cis, she's just very gungho about being an (exceedingly liberal) "ally."