#vincent talking

had a rlly nice convo w someone i’m trying to make a new friend with today !!!

i told them abt the breakup n how lonely i’ve been since my relationship ended. i’ve been trying to make more friends n connections but tbh nothing rlly makes the pain go away. they were rlly sweet abt it tho n said i could talk to them if i needed to, even if they arent rlly good at relationship advice. they said they could at least listen n honestly that meant alot to me.

i ended up explaining the BPD stuff n how my ex was/is my FP n how everything happened. they have BPD too so they actually understood alot of what i was talking abt. they told me they didnt think it was fair for me to blame myself for everything when my ex knew abt my BPD and autism issues but didnt communicate what was wrong w the relationship untill they chose to end it.

that honestly helped me alot bc ive been blaming myself for so much, and still do for my part to play. esp bc i genuinely wanted to do better. i told them i know im not healthy enough for a relationship rn but i still love my ex sm n i rlly hope maybe someday my ex can at least be my friend if i actually get better.

i explained how they asked for space but were rlly vague abt what that even meant (i was under the impression no brake up bc they said they don't want to brake up, so i thought tiktoks where okay since it's just vids they could ignore), n how i ended up spiraling bc i didnt know what i was supposed to do to fix the relationship or even if the relationship is what they needed space from or just all ppl and me asking that or trying to ask that while spiralling and the spiral getting worse when i didn't get an answer…. that probably didn't help things.... at all.

they basically said if someone doesnt tell u what the problem is then u cant magically know how to fix it. they said i shouldnt blame myself for stuff i literally couldnt control or change.

that honestly made me feel a lil better bc ive been thinking abt everything like it was all my fault....

we also talked abt how ppl have to actually communicate things n sometimes confront problems instead of just avoiding them and i thought abt how my ex chose not to tell me anything untill they made a choice to leave me/run from the relationship... just like they did with another ex of mine. they said its rlly up to ppl to have introspection n decide if they actually wanna change or not. that stuck w me alot bc i rlly do wanna be the best me i can for the ppl around me so i don't get ppl that don't want to change or don't try to change. i literally have a rule that ppl need to tell me if i do something wrong so i can try to fix it n be better, but my ex never told me what i've been doing wrong.

they understood that n said theres rlly no way i can fix something if the other person never tells me whats wrong. i rlly wish someone would tell my ex that tbh... ( i wish i knew i could tell them this and see them change for the better and be able to stick up for themself.)

i also asked if i could post ss's of some of the nice stuff they said in my diary posts, but they werent comfortable w screenshots (which i totally respect). they said i could talk abt the nice things they said without naming them tho, which was rlly nice of them. they said they've been in situations where they wished they could hear the pov of someone who wasnt involved, so they try to be that person for ppl when they can.

i rlly appreciated that alot.

overall im just rlly glad we talked. it was nice having someone actually listen to me n give me an outside pov without making me feel like im some horrible person or make my ex sound like a demon (i still hate and shut down ppl shit talking them.. i was alot and they didn't tell me that i was too much till they left, them not being able to handle my bs isn't all on them for not talking to me).

they obviously cant fix everything for me, i mean no one can i need genuine therapy i have no access to, but just having someone understand where im coming from helped alot more than they prob realize.

Consistency and Clear communication :

Was invited to watch the last two or three episodes of season 2 of glee. So don't read ahead if you want no spoilers....? idk... some things said made me cry in that episode so for my own sake im going to get these feelings out here. I related to the Greif of that one woman in the show, and i felt dumb that i was hurting and relating to her loss of a family member because of a brake up... but her letter to her sister reminded me of the grief i feel for the life i thought i'd have with my ex. The relationship i thought we had where i though we could talk anything through and could openly express "hey this hurts, because x, please do y or Z will happen" but... that wasn't the reality we had. (i learned the hard way) here's the thing i related to in the show video below the text if you don't wanna read: " When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you; it's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them. And now every time I reach for that tether, I know there's no one on the other end, and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness. Then I remember Jean. I remember a life led with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets, and I'm inspired to get up out of bed and go on. I miss my sister so much it feels like piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Ten more seconds - is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her But I can't and I won't and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness... ... is that [they] would kill me if I did.

So for now I'm just going to miss her [...]"

then the show went ahead and slapped me emotionally in the face with wicked. A show they and their friend showed me.... it hit me with the song "For Good" (SOME) lyrics below that really hurt in purple and pink

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led to those who help us most to grow If we let them, and we help them in returnWell, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you

[...] Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you I have been changed for good It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime So let me say before we part So much of me is made of what I learned from you You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart And now whatever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

you're going to be okay

even tho it's your fault, but you can be better now that you know what you have to do

it's okay to miss them

it's okay to wish they talked to you more bluntly about it so you could have understood their pain

you're going to be able to sleep without nightmares eventually

that painful empty feeling will go away eventually, just keep up the work

you're not a bad person

it was shitty that everyone connected to them that you thought where your friends ghosted you wordlessly and made that spiral worse when you needed consistency and stability.

even if they don't see how hard you're working to be better won't erase the hard work you put in and keep putting in.

i'm proud you found a way to stop your spirals mid-thought thanks to your friends

one day looking at foxes, splatoon, and more will stop hurting

Lovely