#vent again

I feel like I’m losing ppl slowly. I’m losing their love, their energy, their kindness and more. I mean idk if I deserve it.

You know, people always tell me “we always love and care about you”, but as time goes on I’ve come to the realization that this saying is a place holder. A bittersweet saying that is intended to make ppl think they helped. I believe this saying is indeed a false statement. Then, when ppl see that I think I’m not loved or that I hate myself, they say “nooooooo don’t hate yourself, you’re awesome!!”.

It feels REALLY forced. It’s like people don’t truly mean it, they say it in order to just seem like a good person with dignity. But it doesn’t really do it.

Maybe I do deserve all of this loneliness, pain, suffering. I’m a messed up person, a destructive hurricane in people’s lives, a fifth wheel, and any other fancy metaphors that may help express my situation.

I can’t be alone. I’ve been alone for a month. I haven’t seen the people I love for soooo long, I haven’t been in school, which sucks ngl, because I know that this year, which was quite fine, is passing, and soon all the people I truly love will actually leave.

One by one, no one stays until the end. Slowly people will start seeing through my skin, my mask, and reveal my true self. And that is where they will leave. Because everyone leaves, no one fucking cares about you in the end of the day, where you get buried after surviving a so called “life”.

Man, I’m tired. Tired of doing this shit, of going on, of everything at this point.

I just have to find my Ushka of something (a masochist to match my sadistic ways)

This is related to yesterday's post about me being romantically sadistic btw