Why don’t you post smut anymore? Not to be rude, but isn’t that what we follow you for? we followed you for fics like reunion and others but now your recent fics are just initiating it you don’t write about it you stop as soon as the clothes are off. I think you’re taking leaving it to the imagination a little bit too literally
sorry. I'd forgotten I pledged my soul as a writer to smut and smut alone.
hilarious tho. as if I'm beholden to any expectations you might have of me. as if your lack of imagination is my problem. if all you follow me for is smut, you can go watch porn instead.
also, saying "not to be rude" doesn't make you any less rude. spread your hate with a pair of balls at least.
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Charlie: “Uh- where to start, um- Oh oh oh! You have the most AMAZING laugh whenever you to relax enough for it and your voice is INCREDIBLE really easy to get lost listening to- You take skirt wearing to whole other level, you snore SO cutely in your sleep, and even if it’s a little concerning how fast you are with that spear, it’s also really kinda h-”
Vaggie: “I meant literally, babe. Like, thanks for making me blush, but…”
Charlie: “Ohhhh you want UPPIES?”
Vaggie: “Girlfriend-based personal vertical augmentation- yeah. I’d, I’d like uppies. Please.”
Charlie: “One vertical upgrade via your girlfriend coming right UP!” (giggles) (picks up) “Heheh, how’s this?”
Vaggie: (is up picked) “Perfect, sweetie. Now carry me over to Alastor?”
Alastor: “?”
Charlie: “Okay?” (starts walking) “…why…?”
Vaggie: “I wanna punch him in his stupid smiling extremely punchable face.”
Alator: “Oh I AM flattered!”
Vaggie: “Great he’s given implied consent to a beating, let’s go.”
Charlie: “Okay.” (turning around) “We’re not doing that.”
Vaggie: “We don’t have to. I’ll do the punching, all you have to do is go over there and hold me at eye level.”
Charlie: "Vaggie-"
Alastor: “Get on a level with ME? Rather impossible for you, I’m afraid. You simply lack my, dare I say DEPTH of vision, ha ha! DO take care you don’t suffer from altitude sickness in the attempt through, hmm?”
Vaggie: “Two seconds of being held up to his face, Charlie, that’s all I’m asking.”
Charlie: “Vaggie, that’s still assault on my part. That’s assault with a deadly weapon, even!”
Vaggie: “I’m not armed?”
Charlie: “Are you breathing?”
Vaggie: “Uhh, yeah..?”
Charlie: “If you’re breathing then you’re a threat.”
Vaggie: (grinning) “Aww, Charlie.”
Charlie: “ESPECIALLY to guys like Alastor. No offence, Alastor.”
Alastor: “Compliment accepted!”
Vaggie: (beaming) (didn’t hear him) “You’re just saying that.”
Alastor: (annoyed dial tune) “Ahem. Well, I just said-”
Charlie: “I’m saying it because it’s true, and my ex still instinctively flinches at any HINT of a red hair bow at around chest height.” (switches to cuddling vaggie) “So let’s go be a threat over here instead, okay? Out of Alastor punching range.”
Vaggie: “Still within spear throw.”
Alastor: “Ahh yes, your darling divine toothpick. How quaint!”
Charlie: “Would you really wanna get his blood all over your spear?”
Vaggie: (HEAVY SIGH) “Nnnnno… I guess not.”
Alastor: (honestly insulted) “Rude.”
Charlie: “Didn’t thinks so!” (muttering) “The way you fawn over the stupid thing when it get’s so much as a stupid little smudge from me poking it in it’s stupid perfectly polished face…”
Vaggie: “What?”
Alastor: (evil static) “SHE said-”
Charlie: “Nothing! Petty revenge always ends up biting you in the ass! Anyway.” (grins brightly) “We’ve got better things to do than punch people in the face!”
Vaggie: “Good point.” (touches charlie’s jaw thoughtfully) “...this angle is pretty useful for more than just punching.”
Alastor: “AhaHA! And there is my cue to get off the air!”
Charlie: “Yeah…?”
Vaggie: “Yeah..”
Alastor: “Indeed!”
Charlie: “Like for tongue wrestling~?”
Vaggie: “….”
Alastor: “….”
Alastor: “Oh dear~!
Vaggie: “….”
Vaggie: “What.”
Charlie: “Well if it’s combat you’re after- we COULD have a battle for dominance. Y’know. With our mouths.”
Charlie: (wink)
Vaggie: “….never mind. You can put me down now.”
Alastor: “Oooh~”
Charlie: “!! NO NO WAIT I TAKE IT BACK-”
Vaggie: “Charlie. It’s seared into my brain.”
Alastor: (grinning) “Dreadful! Truly dreadful!”
Charlie: “NOOOO NO NO UN-SEAR IT! UN-SEAR IT FROM THE BRAIN!!!!”
Vaggie: “I don’t feel up for punching anyone either anymore, so don’t worry.”
Charlie: “Would, would punching put you back in the mood!? Vaggie please wait hold on just one sec-”
Charlie: “ALASTOR! CAN YOU COME OVER- NOOO DON’T WALK AWAY, I NEED-”
Charlie: VAGGIE!!! Wait!! I’m sorry! Please wait up! Please I’m sorry I just got SO in the mood and kinda COMPLETELY lost my mind with your talking all low right next to me like that, like when we-”
Alastor: (distantly) “Dear ones~ I am not yet out of hearing range~”
Vaggie: “Good. Suffer.”
Charlie: “I’m suffering IM SUFFERNG! PLEASE!!!” (trailing after girlfriend) “Vaggiiiiieeeee..! S-smooches????”
Vaggie: “Sweetie, I can’t even look at you right now.”
Charlie: “We could do the smooches without looking!!!”
Vaggie: “Even worse. Every time I close my eye I see your tongue suited up in armor, waving around a sword.”
Charlie: (horrified) “No! NO!!! IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A METAPHOR!”
Vaggie: “Metaphorically speaking, I’ve been scarred.”
Charlie: “Th- then let me kiss it better!”
Vaggie: “Not how it works, babe.”
Charlie: “ARGH!”
Angel Dust: “Hey’a tootes! Guess who’s back from LONG and HARD day of… the fuck is wrong with her?”
Angel Dust: “Ain’t that the truth. Porn tip- NEVER try adapting a smut fic for the screen. Choreography’s a nightmare…”
Vaggie: “Wow thanks for the amazing advice that we definitely needed.”
Angel Dust: “Ya welcome.”
Charlie: “We might still need it! Right Vaggie!? We might still be doing stuff like that in future-”
Vaggie: “What we could really use right now is a few drinks. Angel, I’ll spot yours if you can convince Husk to open early.”
Charlie: (slumping over bar) “I hate my life.”
Angel Dust: “That’s cute, Charlie-horse.” (lean down to whisper at vaggie) “Ya sure she hasn’t already had any...?”
Vaggie: “I’m sure-”
Charlie: “-the whole PROBLEM is me NOT GETTING ANY!”
Vaggie: “Annnd now everyone knows it, perfect.”
Angel Dust: “Oh now this is JUICY!”
Charlie: “What everyone? I only told Angel…?”
Vaggie: “Angel can’t keep anything to himself, including himself.”
Angel Dust: “Spittin’ nothin’ but truths tonight, huh Maximum Vaggige? Cherri will love this- I’m gonna need ALL deets! Wait right here and I’ll get Husker fluff to loosen those gossipy tongues right up!!”
Vaggie: “Great. More tongue stuff.”
Charlie: “UGH.”
Vaggie: “….”
Charlie: “…”
Vaggie: “Charlie.”
Charlie: “Meh?”
Vaggie: “I swear, if I could kiss you right now without physically cringing, I would.”
Charlie: “...Vaggie.”
Vaggie: “Yeah?”
Charlie: “What if we’re never able to kiss again?”
Vaggie: “…”
Charlie: “…Vaggie this is the part where you say don’t be silly and reassure me.”
Vaggie: “I know.”
Charlie: “Tell me I’m being silly, Vaggie.”
Vaggie: “Charlie, I… I will always love you, no matter what.”
Charlie: “That’s-”(sitting bolt upright) “THAT’S NOT REASSURING!”
Vaggie: (slumping next to her at the bar) “Where the FUCK is Husk and those drinks.”
Harry is at a Quidditch game, and he’s having a dreadful time. There should be some universal rule that negates this possibility. It’s Quidditch, he’s Harry – it’s the perfect pairing. He should be watching the Wimbourne Wasps crush the Ballycastle Bats and munching on some delightful treacle Sugar Sweeps while enjoying his first date in months.
Except they only have the licorice-flavoured Sugar Sweeps.
Except his team is losing horrendously.
Except his date – Jeanine, or Jeannie; something with a J – is more interested in flirting with anyone other than him. She’d tried to catch the eye of the unfairly attractive man sitting on Harry’s other side for a good twenty minutes. When she made no progress, her attention shifted to orchestrating a threesome with her friend and Draco. Rude.
(And no matter how far they’ve come from the bitter rivalry of their youth, Harry still hates to lose to Mal– Draco. He’d feel worse about that if the other man didn’t feel the exact same way – and if the prat looked less bloody smug.)
This is the last time he lets the blond convince him to go on a blind double-date. Merlin, what was he thinking when he agreed to this?
The Wasps call a timeout to discuss strategy (not that it’s likely to help at this point) and that’s when the worst of it happens. Some genius decided Quidditch needed a kiss cam for the slower moments of a match. If Harry ever finds out who, he’s going to hex their toes off.
That’s the thought that runs through his mind as he sees himself and Jacqueline on each of the floating screens bobbing around the Quidditch stadium.
His eyes slide helplessly to the side, where Jasmine is already inching away from him. This is so bloody embarrassing. He can feel his cheeks redden in mortification and is sure his deer-in-the-headlights expression will be immortalised in tomorrow’s Daily Prophet.
He sure wishes he had a time turner – he’d go back to this morning and stay in bed the whole day.
He can hear laughter breaking out from the other spectators the longer the camera lingers on him. Why haven’t they moved on to another pair? Or at the very least shifted three feet to the right; Harry’s certain Jolene and her friend or Draco (or hell, all three, why not) would be happy to give the viewers a show.
And then he feels a tap on his left shoulder.
It’s not that he’d forgotten about the extremely hot man sitting to his left. But the reminder of the human perfection to his side while this debacle unfolds kind of makes him want to stand up and leave. Or blow something up.
He turns to Mr. Sex-on-Legs and smiles weakly. The man returns his smile, and while it’s a little sharp, it’s not mocking. Hurray for small mercies.
“May I?” Unreasonably Handsome Stranger asks.
“Uh,” Harry replies eloquently. May he what? Harry swiftly decides he doesn’t need more details. This man could be asking for his kidney and as long as it makes this whole situation less painful, Harry’s on board. “Sure…?”
Unreasonably Handsome Stranger tilts Harry’s face up and swoops in. Harry can’t stop the confused squeak from leaving him – so much for less shameful – and then he’s being kissed within an inch of his life. Holy shite.
This is awesome.
Harry kind of forgets why this man is kissing him and what’s going on around him, because it doesn’t matter. The most gorgeous person he’s ever seen in real life is pressing his lips against Harry’s with intent, with skill – is that his tongue? All higher brain functions have ceased in order to enjoy this moment to the fullest.
When they finally pull back for air, Harry finds his hands are gripping the man’s collar and holding him close. He figures that’s fine, considering the man has one hand wound through Harry’s hair and the other is still cupping his jaw.
“Wow,” Harry breathes, brain still taking a break from thinking. The other man smirks knowingly at him, and Harry would probably take offence to that if the man’s perfectly formed cheekbones weren’t flushed pink, showing he’s not as unaffected as he might pretend to be.
“Er. I’m Harry.”
“Tom.”
“Nice to meet you, Tom.”
This makes Smokin' Hot Tom chuckle, which in turn makes his eyes crinkle up adorably. Oh bother – Harry might be in trouble.
He’s aware, peripherally, that someone behind him is aggressively clearing their throat. He only bothers to care about it when Tom shoots an unimpressed look at the source of the noise.
When Harry turns to follow Tom’s gaze, he comes face to face with an irate Julienne, her glaring friend, and Draco, who can’t seem to decide whether he’s impressed or pissed off.
He shrugs, grinning dopily. “It just isn’t going to work out, Josephine.”
She gives him a baleful look. “My name is Petra.”
Whoops. Not even close. “Sorry – Petra. Have fun with Draco and …your friend.”
He sends a teasing salute to Draco and starts dragging Tom towards the exit. Speaking of having fun – he’s sure they can find an alcove somewhere around here to continue what Tom started.
—
Harry’s picture is indeed in the Prophet the next day. But he supposes that’s only to be expected when he’s caught publicly snogging the visiting ambassador from the French Ministry of Magic.
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For Fest, I want to share my prophetic vision full Technicolor dream of the next Bond film trailer...
[Black screen]
[Bond theme plays: Dum da dum duuuum, dum dum dum, dum da dum duuuum, dum dum dum]
The establishing shot fades in: a drone fly-by of a thrilling car chase through the streets. Dream logic identifies this as Venice. It is not Venice.
A big sexy action sequence follows. High octane. Snappy editing. Italian leather and souvenir stalls decimated in the chase's wake (presumably).
They enter a marina surrounded by tall buildings. Suddenly, from an implausible height (like, a couple of storeys up; dream logic, remember), two jet skis launch into view. Behold! It's Nomi and Moneypenny!
The big sexy action sequence concludes. The good guys win. Quips are made (again, presumably).
We segue to a pier.
Dramatic voice over: "Introducing the new 007..."
[Closing Bond theme plays: BAH dum duuuum, BAH dum duuuum, dum de dum]
The shot pans up from ground level and pulls back, revealing the new 007 standing at the end of the pier: Eve Moneypenny.
the other week i hosted a smash or pass tierlist event in one of the discords i help run and deciding to do a scooby doo villains one wound up being the funniest one all night
I just love how slice of life-y this feels at times. Just a casual conversation with fellow soldiers. I’m about 90% sure my time patroller would turn her back on the Time Patrol for the Frieza Force, at least that’s how I view her.
But yes…I just love the silliness. Like Cooler is literally there and Monrei and Bliss are having a bitch about the current chef. I just want more content!
Then the prospect of Monrei just trying to get Bliss to ask for Frieza for things? It’s just crack but in verse and it’s fun.
