#unpacking monogamous programming

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy, In response to the comment: "What is the difference between solo poly and casually dating multiple people? Sorry I'm new and learning..."

[beginning of transcript]

Yes, this is such a common misunderstanding and I'm so happy to dig into it. I really appreciate the genuine curiosity and compassion with the way this question was asked and I encourage folks to keep bringing that curiosity and compassion because I love answering these questions.

This is such a common misconception and it's not anybody's fault because we're all indoctrinated into a mononormative society. In order to understand how solo polyamory does not just mean you're dating people casually - we actually have to leave the paradigm of mononormativity behind and step into a paradigm of abundance. So I'm about to invite you to step into that paradigm of abundance with me right now.

Culturally, we have all been fed the narrative that in order to prove your commitment and your love to someone, you must ride the Relationship Escalator with them. If you don't know what the Relationship Escalator is check out my previous videos, I made a few videos about it.

The truth is that there are so many ways to show your love and your commitment to someone without marrying them and without having their babies and buying a house together and doing all of the Relationship Escalator stuff with them.

What I love about practicing solo polyamory is that it gives me the freedom and the spaciousness to create my own narrative around how love and relationships look like in my life. And it's based on what my gut is telling me, and my body. Not based on this pre-formulated script that society has given me. What I love about solo polyamory is that I get to make my life work for me and I get to keep my autonomy. Not in a way that has me disconnected from other people, but actually keeps me in balance. I have such a deep intimacy with myself because I balance it out that way. It is so intentional, the way I structure my life.

To me, practicing solo polyamory is acknowledging my capacity to have deep levels of intimacy with multiple people. I look at my life and say; "What needs are not getting met? Where can I meet those needs?" So for example, right now not all of my sexual needs are getting met, and that's okay - I'm glad to know that. So I made a dating profile and I said "Hey, all I really have capacity for right now is a play partner - who else is looking for a play partner?"

But the thing is, in my life, I also have these deeply emotional, romantic relationships and my sexual relationships are not always mutually exclusive from my romantic relationships. It ebbs and flows with who is in my life and what needs are getting met for me and what I have capacity for.

Love and intimacy are not scarce. People do not need to compete for it. Love is the fabric of the universe. I can have love and intimacy with one person and it takes nothing away from my other relationships.

Tiktok by @chillpolyamory , captioned "Re: anti-hierarchical polam in practice. No matter how long you are polyamorous, how committed to non hierarchy or relationship anarchy, we slip back into default scripts that assume some people have power over others. It's not something to get defensive about. We just notice it, make changes and carry on."

Video is captioned on TikTok. Here is the transcript:

I was planning a party with one of my partners recently and I was like "hey, can my other partner come?" It seems like an innocuous question, right? You're planning a party with somebody - you wanna ask about the guest list. But the language is really important.

"I don't know that I feel comfortable telling you if your partner is allowed into a space that you're co creating" - that's what my partner said to me.

This is how hierarchical thinking sneaks into the tiny minutiae of everyday interactions.

Okay, whoop, let me try again take 2. "How would you feel if they came? I would love to invite them and I want to factor in how that would affect you."

"How would you feel" is very different than "are they allowed"

TikTok by @Relationship_anarchy

[beginning of transcript]

The instinct to couple-up monogamously is a survival instinct. [text added to video says "When I say "monogamy" I mean the whole lifestyle attached to it"]

Human beings will literally die if they don't cooperate with each other. So you can think about the way we engage in relationships with each other as a way of like, being on each other's team for survival.

It smells like scarcity to me when people are only teaming up in small little teams of two. You find yourself exhausted after work, like there's not enough time or energy to cook and clean and do all the things and have a social life. It's because the world was not designed to be in teams of two. It's like, really difficult to do all the things and have a life.

Non-monogamy is like, bettering your chances of survival because your teams are way bigger. You have a whole ecosystem of support networks. And when you're not socially isolating yourself by living with only one romantic partner (not that you need to live with everyone you date!) you're able to share so much of the responsibilities so that you all can engage in more freedom in your life.

Tiktok by @relationship_anarchy

In response to the comment: "Good feels and sex partners are fun, but a financial disaster, long term illness, recovery support system is necessary. Poly doesn't offer that"

[beginning of transcript]

Yeah, let's talk about this comment. So, I love people sharing their perspectives and I wanna keep encouraging that. And I would love to share my perspective because it's actually different from this one. When I'm reading this comment, I'm pulling out an underlying belief that unless you are monogamous you can't be safe because there is this assumption that polyamory doesn't give you that reliability and dependability that you need in case a disaster happens and you really need some support. My life experience has shown me otherwise and I would love to share a story actually, just so you can understand how this looks in practicality in every-day life.

Four years ago when I was recovering from top surgery, I was unable to use my arms for two weeks. I was so completely vulnerable - I couldn't make my own food. I had to actually enlist the entire community to support me through that process. I was also solo polyamorous at that time, and I was dating one and a half people [laughs] and I didn't want to overwhelm my partner because they had a full-time job and honestly I just don't feel comfortable asking that much of a person. It seems like, I dunno, like it would tax our relationship so I like to keep things balanced.

And here's the caveat too, I actually don't have biological family that I can rely on because I'm transgender and that's just how it played out with my biological family. What I did was I reached out to my chosen family, my friends, my community, even people I didn't know that well. I just posted on Instagram and on Facebook like "Hey, I need help. I've got fourteen slots open - are you able to come one of these days and bring me food. Like breakfast, lunch, or dinner just sign up on this sheet here." And legit to my surprise the community Showed Up for me.

What I learned from that experience was that people are actually finding joy in being able to give to others, and it actually helps people meet this need that they have for connection. So yeah, even people that I wasn't super close with were so excited to bring me food and just to contribute to my healing. And of course my partner showed up for me too, but I had them sign up for specific slots so that way they weren't feeling drained, burnt out. And like weirdly enough even though they were care-taking me in those moments, it still felt like Quality Time because they had the capacity to do so and we hadn't seen each other for awhile so it was like "Oh my god hey" [chuckles].

The whole purpose of me posting any of these videos is to invite you all into a new world. I wanna invite you to dream with me: what would it look like to live in a world where love is abundant and not scarce.

To me, this interdependence with community is a deep spiritual value that I have and so it's part of the way that I live in integrity with my values. Its not relying too much on one person but like being interconnected in a community. It does require change to the way you structure your life. And its totally possible.