#relationship_anarchy

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy, In response to the comment: "What is the difference between solo poly and casually dating multiple people? Sorry I'm new and learning..."

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Yes, this is such a common misunderstanding and I'm so happy to dig into it. I really appreciate the genuine curiosity and compassion with the way this question was asked and I encourage folks to keep bringing that curiosity and compassion because I love answering these questions.

This is such a common misconception and it's not anybody's fault because we're all indoctrinated into a mononormative society. In order to understand how solo polyamory does not just mean you're dating people casually - we actually have to leave the paradigm of mononormativity behind and step into a paradigm of abundance. So I'm about to invite you to step into that paradigm of abundance with me right now.

Culturally, we have all been fed the narrative that in order to prove your commitment and your love to someone, you must ride the Relationship Escalator with them. If you don't know what the Relationship Escalator is check out my previous videos, I made a few videos about it.

The truth is that there are so many ways to show your love and your commitment to someone without marrying them and without having their babies and buying a house together and doing all of the Relationship Escalator stuff with them.

What I love about practicing solo polyamory is that it gives me the freedom and the spaciousness to create my own narrative around how love and relationships look like in my life. And it's based on what my gut is telling me, and my body. Not based on this pre-formulated script that society has given me. What I love about solo polyamory is that I get to make my life work for me and I get to keep my autonomy. Not in a way that has me disconnected from other people, but actually keeps me in balance. I have such a deep intimacy with myself because I balance it out that way. It is so intentional, the way I structure my life.

To me, practicing solo polyamory is acknowledging my capacity to have deep levels of intimacy with multiple people. I look at my life and say; "What needs are not getting met? Where can I meet those needs?" So for example, right now not all of my sexual needs are getting met, and that's okay - I'm glad to know that. So I made a dating profile and I said "Hey, all I really have capacity for right now is a play partner - who else is looking for a play partner?"

But the thing is, in my life, I also have these deeply emotional, romantic relationships and my sexual relationships are not always mutually exclusive from my romantic relationships. It ebbs and flows with who is in my life and what needs are getting met for me and what I have capacity for.

Love and intimacy are not scarce. People do not need to compete for it. Love is the fabric of the universe. I can have love and intimacy with one person and it takes nothing away from my other relationships.

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy | Part 1

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What is Solo Polyamory? Let's start by talking about what it's not.

The opposite of Solo Polyamory is Hierarchical Polyamory - meaning you've got Primary Partners, Secondary Partners, etc etc. What Hierarchies try to do is they try to create Secure Attachment by holding a boundary of "Okay, you're my Primary Partner so you have Veto Power over my other relationships."

So for example, let's say that I'm dating someone new, but my Primary Partner is jealous or maybe they don't want me to date cis men - maybe they only want me to date women so then they have Veto Power to say "No, sorry, that's not cool with me, you can't do that."

Hierarchical Polyamory is inherently dis-empowering because people at the bottom of the Hierarchy are disconnected from the people who are making decisions at the top that actually impact them.

When you have Secure Attachment, you don't need the Hierarchy to help you feel secure. You'll just negotiate each relationship on its own terms.

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Tiktok by @relationship_anarchy

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Three reasons that I like to know about my partner's partners.

The first one is I feel more secure. So what happens is, when my partner tells me some details about their life but not all the details, any missing gaps I tend to project my insecurities and fears to fill the story. So basically, my insecurities are going to come up either way - I might as well confront them and work through them instead of not being able to complete that fear cycle and, you know, I don't want to just live in my fantasy projection land.

Second thing is it builds trust. If I feel like my partner is keeping something from me then I start to feel suspicious. I'm like, "What are you hiding from me?" I don't need to know every single detail in some kind of controlling way but I do like for things to feel organic and flowy. Because if I'm having an authentic connection with someone, we don't need to make ourselves small in anyway - we can really just be with each other in our full expression of who we are. And many times, the people who are in our life are a huge part of who we are.

Three: when uncomfortable emotions come up - [sing-song] because they always come up, it is impossible to avoid - it's part of the work, my friends. Stuff like jealousy, and insecurity - I need to bring those emotions to the surface and I need my partner to be able to also hold space for those, or else they're just not ready to date me. I cannot date somebody who doesn't allow me to be with my emotions - that just mimics the childhood dynamics where my parents were always asking me to suppress my emotions in order to make things easier for them.

It is not my partner's responsibility to fix my emotions - I just need them to be able to make the space for me to have my experience, name the experience, so that they are attuned to my inner-world. It's part of Secure Attachment, my friends. If I bring up my emotions with someone and it's outside of their comfort zone, like "Whoa, this feels so intense I don't know how to hold this" that's an invitation for us to both grow together. Their Growing Edge is to be able to be with the uncomfortable emotions, and its the same for me. But if they're unwilling to lean into that Growth Edge, we're not compatible.

I need partnerships where I can learn and grow, and feel that sense of trust and security, and be able to be with my entire experience without having to make a judgement or meaning out of it. But just be like "Oh, there's the jealousy. Let's watch it! [laughs] Okay, bye jealousy! Thanks for being here!" Emotions are energy in motion, so if you allow the emotion to be there it will eventually work its way through your body - just keep talking deep breaths.

If you need extra help, I facilitate energy healings every month on every third Saturday. Check the link in my bio.

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy.

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Sweet sweet baby, just because you're struggling with non-monogamy doesn't mean it's not for you.

I mean yeah okay there's a possibility that it's not for you, but you don't know until you try. Look, literally all I do all day long is help people develop Secure Attachment as they're transitioning into non-monogamy. I have yet to meet a single person who said it was an easy experience to transition into non-monogamy.

If you wanna understand more deeply about the animal body and why there's that tension when you're shifting into a new paradigm of relationships, check out my youtube channel, the link is in my bio. I just posted a video about it, but if you feel so ashamed about the fact that it's not coming easily for you even though emotionally you’re so invested in the concept of non-monogamy & relationship anarchy… well shit the shame is just gonna keep you isolated and that's not gonna help you down the path. Community is resilience. Check out the love and liberation network.

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy

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I totally resonate with this comment. Right now I'm dating three people and I'm constantly noticing the monogamous subconscious programming insert fears into the way I am loving people in my life.

Just recently I started this intense, beautiful romance with somebody. And it all kinda started as soon as my other partner left out of town for a few weeks. So I'm feeling this fear of like "Oh no, what if they don't feel secure and then they leave me," because monogamous subconscious programming tells you only one person can receive your love so if you love a second person it detracts away from the first person - which is not true. But nonetheless the fear is alive in my body and that's why a commitment to an abundance of love is a spiritual practice for me. I have to confront my shadows - it helps me grow.

I'm launching an action-oriented support group for non monogamous folks developing Secure Attachment - sign up for my newsletter.

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy, in response to the comment: "how do you figure out whether you're mono or poly? I'm interested in someone who's a relationship anarchist + trying to understand my relationship style"

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When you're trying to figure out whether non monogamy is right for you, my advice to you is make a list of pros and cons baby! Because for some people it's an identity - for me it's not an identity. And it's not like that for everybody.

The way I view polyamory, and monogamy, they're both options on a menu. They're relationship structures. There's pros and cons to both. So I would ask you: what are your values, what is the life that you wanna live, how do you envision your future. And then compare those lists of pros and cons and see how it fits into your life.

Check out my course: Non Monogamy 101 For Spiritual Souls. It'll definitely help you in your decision. Link in Bio.

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy In response to the comment: "Love your content! can you speak about sustainable, healthy mono-poly relationship dynamics and how to navigate instability w/ the intro of new ppl?"

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Mono-Poly relationship dynamics can be challenging but it's totally possible to make it work especially if there is commitment and effort from both parties involved. Ultimately what it comes down to is that you both feel secure in the relationship. I talk about this more in detail in my online course: Non Monogamy 101 For Spiritual Souls - link in bio if you wanna go deeper - but let's just touch on one example of what that could look like.

When you're introducing a new romantic partner in your life, it can bring up a sense of scarcity for your monogamous partner because they're focusing all of their romantic life on you. So any time that you spend away from that - it just brings up Insecure Attachment, it makes sense. So what we wanna do in those moments is come back to what would help you both feel more secure. Depending on your partner's Love Languages, you can establish rituals. For example, any time you leave for a date, sharing Words of Affirmation and restating your commitment to the relationship. Every time you come home from a date, spending an hour of Quality Time.

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Questions to Ask Yourself:

What helps me feel secure in this relationship?

What unmet needs are contributing to feeling insecure about myself?