#tw tics

so i've been quite a bit less active on here in the last few weeks, and i definitely feel super bad about it, but i kinda need to vent so... yeah.

so my mental (and to some extent physical) health has gotten worse in the last like month and a half, which is not fun. i've been dealing with worse obsessive thoughts than usual, and my obsessions have spread to things that i really didn't expect them to. and, of course, with said obsessions, i've been getting more compulsions than usual. and, to make this all a lot worse, i literally can't talk to any of my irl friends about any of this, because i'm horribly scared of losing the few close friends i have. i also can't tell my parents, because they would NOT react well, and they would probably tell me i'm faking it (which is one of my really bad obsessions, so that would make things a LOT worse). and my relationship with my best friend has become the target of a lot of obsessive thoughts recently, so my brain is convincing me i can't tell her abt this either :(

i've also been a lot more anxious than usual, partially due to my obsessions/compulsions, and also partially due to my hormones and other fun stuff. and for me, when i get anxious, i get ANXIOUS ANXIOUS. so like i feel like i've been running from a Big Bad for the last few weeks.

AND OF COURSE now my tics started getting more frequent because of how stressed i've been (no i don't know why i have tics, and i don't talk abt it super often). and now i have new tics so... LOVELY *screams*

additionally, i've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my gender/sexuality, and i really REALLY want to actually start coming out to SOMEONE, but literally EVERYONE i know irl is super queerphobic/transphobic. and i also want to come out to my parents as ace, but they're both extremely queerphobic, and i don't want to make my living situation worse or get sent to conversion therapy.

i've also been having meltdowns really frequently, and i hit myself during meltdowns, so that is not fun. also my parents call my meltdowns "attitude" and say i'm being "rude". so... wonderful....