Also me at 1 in the morning: …… what if I’m lying. What if I’m not really a lesbian. What if I secretly desire men and I don’t realise it. All those other lesbians are really attracted to women but I’m lying about it. *brain proceeds to give me unwanted sexual images of men and making me distressed*

If you hadn’t noticed, I try to be very open on this blog when it comes to mental health. I suffer from severe OCD, and it is a central and crucial part of my life.

What most people don’t understand is that being OCD isn’t just being a “neat freak”— it is a unique writing of the brain. And it does tend to affect my blog.

Yes, it means I try to be very organized when it comes to my blog, and mix things up. I have a schedule. But my spirals are often to do with insecurities: feeling ugly, feeling talentless, feeling worthless. And that absolutely happens with my blog.

I’m not a big blog. I have about 275 followers. I don’t get thousands of notes, I don’t have people who make fanart for me (unless I request), or asks flooding my inbox. I’m not a super talented, like like artist who gets thousands upon thousands of notes on incredible pieces.

And when I see other people who have these things? It absolutely makes me question a lot about my place here on Tumblr. I often consider deleting my blog in these moments, because hell— nobody wants me here anyway.

Of course, when I get out of this spiral/ mindset I see clearly and appreciate how much I do have and know how much this blog means to me. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard being a small blog sometimes, with my OCD. It doesn’t mean I don’t spiral about it questioning why I’m not bigger on here.

Long story short, I just wanted to open up about this because there are so many of us affected by mental health. And if you have mental health problems, and/ or a small blog, I want you to know that you are wanted on here.

Words: 1023 Steve Rogers X Reader Request: Could you maybe write an imagine where the reader has OCD and struggles with obsessive thoughts about guilt and upsetting people around her (like disappointment or hurting their feelings), but generally doesn't bring it up to people and no one really notices because she's learned effective ways to cope with it? And she starts dating Steve and finally tells him about it, and he tells her that it's alright and it doesn't change anything? Sorry this is so specific. It's okay if you can't do it! -Anon  Author’s Note: I tried to really take my time on this one and used as much accurate verbiage as possible. Mental health is really important and everyone deserves to know that they are loved! I hope everything I said, did and described in this story is okay! And I hope that you, Dear Anon, enjoy!

No one would ever know it from looking at you. It wasn’t like the time Tony broke his arm or the time Clint pulled a bullet out of his own leg. Everything that happened to you, happened on the inside. Most days you were all right with that. You were fine with the team not knowing. If they didn’t know they couldn’t ask questions and they couldn’t mock you because of it.

Some of them had their suspicions you were sure. Like the day Natashia noticed that when you wash the dishes you always pass each dish under the water six times, but there were other small cues that you were sure they didn’t notice. You hated if anything in your office, closet or room was even slightly out of place. If you knew you left something in the wrong spot before leaving for a mission, you would think about it obsessively until you could get back to the compound and fix it. The most glaring, and in your opinion more annoying, ritual was your tendency to ask the same questions often and in rapid succession. You worried if you were well liked and you worried about becoming a disappointment to the others.

You knew that you were different. You had always known this your whole life and you thought that once you joined the Avengers your obsessive behaviors would go away or at the very least become diminished. In truth, it only made them worse. Being surrounded twenty-four seven by the world’s strongest, smartest and bravest only forced you inside your own head more. You had learned to cope with your OCD as best you could. You didn’t always speak up when you felt excluded and you avoided asking people their opinions about you. You decided that suffering in silence was better than exposing your weakness to the team.

I feel like I never know who to talk to about this because I feel like their default response is always “sexuality is fluid ! It’s okay to be bisexual!!” When that isn’t at all what I need

I get so in my head about my lesbianism at times. I get really confused too. I think it’s solely my OCD honestly but it’s still really hard.

I was talking to my gf the other day about how I often feel like I’m lying about being a lesbian and I’m in all ways other then romantically and sexually being into men bisexual. Which makes NO SENSE. I’m not sexually attracted to men. I’m not romantically attracted to men. Obviously when I was little and a teen and confused about myself I had moments where I thought I was romantically into men but that was only because I stupidly assumed any positive feeling I had towards a man meant I was attracted to him and any attraction I felt towards a woman was just because I felt positively about her. Like I had around all the wrong way.

I just get so worried that maybe I’m lying or maybe I’ll one day discover I actually am attracted to men. And like it’s not the prospect of being bisexual that’s upsetting. If I find out I’m bisexual then I find out it won’t change anything. It’s more this confusion I have over why I’m so hyper vigilant over it.

I’m grossed out at the thought of having sex with a man. I don’t want that. Yet I still doubt myself so often. I get all in my head over it.

I had a massive breakdown the other day crying all over the floor because I was somehow convinced I was lying to myself and everyone else over being a lesbian. I’ve spoken to my gf about it a lot and her response is always “nothing you have ever told me has made me feel like you aren’t a lesbian” yet I still feel like I’m lying

I get so weird and insecure around other lesbians. I went to a lesbian event a last week and while I was there I felt so lonely. I kept thinking all these women are actually lesbians but I’m lying about it. My attraction to women isn’t real like theirs is. Mine is phoney. Mine is wrong.

Or I’ll see a lesbian couple and feel jealous almost. “Oh they are really lesbians. I’m not. I’m broken.”

Or I’ll see a lesbian couple and think “I’m not attracted to either of them. I must be lying about myself. I’m not really a lesbian”

I think it doesn’t help either when I’m really depressed like I am now so I just don’t feel much of anything. So my relationship feels more empty then I know it logically is. And then I start getting relationship and sexual orientation ocd and have nothing to combat the obsessions with because everything feels so empty.

And it’s not like I can just learn to drive because my ocd would genuinely make that impossible. I’m not going to be getting anywhere quickly or well if every 2 minutes I start being convinced I killed someone like that’s just not happening.