OCD and Cowboys: an essay on OCD representation in deltarune
the following essay contains mentions of self harm, attempted suicide, living with OCD, and topics that could trigger those with OCD. if you are unable to handle or engage with these topics right now, please scroll. your mental health matters.
it also contains spoilers for deltarune chapter 5. please proceed with caution!
part 1: introduction
Yellow is genuinely such great moral OCD rep, intentional or not. Unfortunately, that is not a high bar to clear due to both the lack of rep and mishandling of rep when it happens, but I digress.
Although often portrayed as “the disorder that makes you organized” OCD is far more vast. The stereotypical portrayals are based on the observed symptoms, and not the cause. OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, is an anxiety disorder caused by the individuals fear of bad things happening, and both their desire to stop them, and belief they can.
part 2: explaining OCD
Let’s explain it with the generic contamination OCD. Obsessions are the thoughts themselves, such as “I don’t want to get sick”. Though everyone has thoughts like this, it becomes disordered when the individual begins obsessing over it, the thought consuming their mind. Compulsions are the actions the individual believes will protect them or others from the perceived danger. The compulsion for the previously mentioned obsession may be something like “I should wash my hands to avoid getting sick”. Again, in most contexts, this is a completly normal and healthy thought to have! The issue, the disorder, comes as a result of the obsession. The obsession will continue coming back over and over due to the nature of the disorder. As a result, the compulsion will repeat to the point it becomes unhealthy or dangerous. Washing your hands is a good thing, but if you’re like me, and feel compelled to do int constantly after every little thing you do or everything you touch, you can experience negative effects like dry and cracked skin, injury due to scrubbing, increased water bills, etc.
remember that this is just one example, and that many more cases can be far more dangerous to the individual, such as a family friend of my mom’s who has isolated himself from his family as a compulsion to sooth the obsession that he will cause their death’s if he sees them.
another important point is that OCD cannot be reasoned with easily. because affected individuals genuinely believe their obsessions are real, and that carrying out compulsions keeps them at bay, it's incredibly difficult to convince them they're wrong. imagine if someone told you drinking water was bad for you. even if you trusted them, you wouldn't be able to believe them due to your need for water. it's the same with compulsions. just like one drinks water to stay alive, someone with OCD genuinely believes that what they're doing will protect them or others from harm. as a result, it is not easy to overcome compulsion.
part 3: moral OCD
Because OCD can form around anything, as long as it causes the individual enough anxiety to want to stop it, OCD comes in many forms. the one we will be exploring particularly is called 'moral OCD', and is one of the types I have, alongside contagion OCD.
moral OCD is characterised by obsessions that revolve around the individual's morality. people with this type of OCD's obsessions typically involve fears like becoming a bad person, being a bad person presently without knowing it, they are currently hurting others, potentially hurting others in the future, etc.
let's do another example. a moral OCD obsession could be "if I'm too selfish, others will get hurt". yet again, I cannot stress enough, these thoughts when in a mind without OCD are completely normal and healthy! it is good to be aware of yourself, and know when it's time to step back for other's good. the problem comes when someone obsesses over these fears. the compulsion that comes out of this could be something like avoiding asking for anything ever, or avoiding doing things too look after themself at all due to the belief that doing anything that benefits them can be either a stepping stone towards taking too much, or is taking too much itself.
part 4: yellow has moral OCD
Now, let’s move onto the main topic you may have guessed from the title: yellow.
yellow is a character introduced in chapter 5 of deltarune, with most of the segment focused on him being related to his desire to atone for a crime he literally didn't commit through violent and harmful means. I and many others with OCD have come to see ourselves in his behaviour, so let's break it down.
first are his obsessions. yellow is shown to obsess over the thought of getting justice, no matter what. when he see's himself as being unjust, he is determined to bring himself to justice. despite there not being any proof, not even in his own memory, that he was the one that destroyed blue's flowers, he has no problem declaring himself evil and worthy of punishment.
another aspect of OCD is that we tend to respond to feelings more than facts. there doesn't have to be much evidence as long as the feeling, the anxiety, is there. this only highlights yellow as having OCD more, as despite not remembering destroying the flowers, he very easily accepts it as fact. I kid you not, I have had the exact thought of "I'm such a terrible person I even tricked myself into not realising it", just like yellow insists.
then there's his compulsions, the actions he takes to prevent his obsessions from coming true. while convinced he's a criminal, yellow goes to extreme lengths to atone for his perceived crime. while presented very over the top and more like a loony tunes sketch in game, it's still important to remember that all attempts on his own life were just that, suicide attempts. yellow was trying to kill himself. although it's difficult to think about, suicide can be the result when someone with OCD is convinced that they are a terrible person and that the world would be better without them. self harm practices are also comman among those with OCD, as it's seen as a way to 'atone' for their wrong doings. this is similar to how yellow is not only intent on taking his life, but doing it in the most painful way possible. this behaviour could be seen as a form of self harm. when all these compulsions fail to ease his obsessions, he resorts to self isolation. a safer alternative to being actively suicidal, but still dangerous due to the effects isolation can have on people.
yellow is also seen consumed by his obsessions to the point of being detached from reality. susie and ralsei both insist on multiple occasions that he doesn't have to do anything to himself, and that he's a good person. despite this, he continues to see himself as evil, doubling down on his attempts. "you're a nice guy, don't bury yourself alive" is twisted in his mind to be "you deserve something worse than being buried alive". this way of thinking is also common in OCD, reality warped to fit with the obsession, which is perceived to be completely true. so true reality is warped around it instead of acknowledging that what is real proves it wrong.
part 5: the importance of support
OCD, as a disorder in someone's head that warps their perception of truth, typically requires outside interference to treat. constant exposure to what is actually true, while not dismissing one's fears, can slowly help them engage with reality, assisting in working through their obsessions. because of this, a good support network is the most important part of OCD treatment. and because Toby 'best rep you've ever seen' Fox is himself, of course yellow has one of the best support structures I've ever seen portrayed in any piece of media in the form of his partner, blue.
one of the most stand out aspects of blue's treatment of yellow is that he doesn't dismiss him. so many pieces of advice given to those with OCD by the uninformed boil down to "it's not real, so stop worrying". the thing that makes OCD a disorder is that the everyday possible dangers are perceived by the individual as factual things that will happen unless prevented. blue does not give this type of 'advice'. instead, he uses logic, particularly logic that incorporates yellow's perception, to help him work through an obsessive episode without dismissing him. he walks him through the issue, gently informing him of inconsistencies when needed, until yellow reaches the conclusion he was tricked into believing he was a criminal. instead of talking at yellow about how he's wrong, blue gives him the tools, evidence, and assistance when needed to help him come to the conclusion himself. this is good for two reasons: 1. yellow is more likely to accept the answer if it comes from his own mind, and 2. doing this help yellow build the skills to challenge his obsessions on his own. the end goal of OCD treatment isn't to solve the compulsion in the moment, or fix someone forever. it's to give the patient the tools they need to challenge their obsessions and compulsions on their own, in hopes they can use those skills to live a better, more peaceful life, with the ability to work through obsessions when they arise.
another important aspect of supporting someone with OCD is protecting them when possible. avoiding actions that could trigger them, preventing them from coming into contact with something that could make a compulsion dangerous, ensuring they have what they need to self soothe safely, etc. blue does a particularly good job with this too. most notably, he prevents yellow from hurting himself by using his powers to replace dangerous objects with flowers. keeping dangerous objects away from someone with self harm or suicidal compulsions is an important part of supporting a loved one with OCD. in blue and yellow's case, this is accomplished by replacing guns with roses.
replacement is another important part of OCD treatment. going straight from washing your hands ten times an hour to only after using the washroom and before meals is an impossible task, so small steps are necessary. for me, I went from using hand sanitiser constantly to splashing a bit of water on my hands. still not great, but it's a step, and it protects me from drying my hands out with alcohol. blue helps yellow with this as well. instead of just taking away anything that could be used to hurt himself, he replaces yellow's weapons with magical flowers. this prevents yellow from seeking out different ways to fulfil the compulsion, as well as replacing it with the much safer alternative of fulfilling it. he still gets the hit of pulling the trigger his brain needs to feel secure, but it poses no danger to himself.
part 6: why representation matters
OCD representation is important for many reasons. for one, there's the obvious of making those suffering from OCD feel less alone. being so stuck in your head can be isolating, so seeing someone like you, even fictional, can be a huge help in making you feel more supported. it's also important to educate others on how to help, and how to be more tolerant and patient. be honest, if it wasn't for you scrolling the deltarune tag right now, would you have known that OCD is so much more than just being organised? for at least one person, the answer is no. representation is important for education. beyond that, it can also educate those with OCD on methods that may help them. they may see a method that could help them, and in general may feel so much better about themself to see characters with healthy coping methods and good support systems. it can give them hope.
but in terms of the importance of yellow specifically, I have so much to say. despite so much of this essay being on the more depressing aspects of yellow's character, we can't forget just how silly he can be! he's kind, goofy, takes things literally to comical effect, and is just a lovable goofball! for the love of the angel, his whole existence is a friend inside me joke! so many portrayals of OCD are overly serious, more focused on getting the tragedy of the disorder across, instead of actually being a character. those types of characters can be good for education, but as characters? it's disheartening to see individuals with OCD be portrayed as hopeless, tragic characters. it can make things feel like they won't get better, not when all portrayals of your disorder are people lost in their own self loathing. but characters like yellow, who have a good support network, who have a personality beyond their obsessive compulsive tendencies, who are cheerful? it's a breath of fresh air! to have a character who has a personality beyond their issues, who is a character, is a magical thing to experience. and it's so nice to see a character with OCD symptoms be just a part of the narrative, of the world, without it revolving around them. too many stories with OCD characters just become "my struggles with OCD, my life sucks, my character is a laundry list of stereotypes and angst tropes". to just have someone like me exist as a part of the world makes me feel like a part of it, rather than an anomaly.
and then there's someone with OCD being in a relationship! unless you have OCD, I don't think you can understand the joy I feel seeing someone like me in a relationship. so often, we're depicted as an issue, that we are hard to love, that being with someone like us was a chore. but as far as I'm aware, there's no secret dialogue where blue says "oh, by the way, don't tell yellow, but keeping him safe is exhausting, I wish he could just be normal". helping him manage his compulsions is just a part of their relationship, and neither party has an issue with this aspect of them being together. beyond just that, them being together shows a disabled person in a relationship at all! it's too rare that a disabled character has a love interest, due to conventional standards of attractiveness see disabled traits as unattractive. both physical disabilities being considered ugly, and mental disabilities giving way to personality traits that are seen as undesirable or 'red flags'. to see someone with OCD symptoms be loved with them, accepted so fully, and having one of the healthiest relationships in the game is beautiful.
and... yeah. I'm not really gonna do a conclusion, it would just be a recap of everything you just read, and my high school English teacher isn't here to scold me on improper formatting anymore >:3
but, yeah. OCD rep is important, and of course the best I've seen comes from a Toby Fox game on accident. well played Toby, well played.
