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15. CZECH REPUBLIC We Are Domi - “Lights off” 22nd place

Decade ranking: 29/79 [Above Rafal, below Montaigne]

Welcome to the Imri Ziv Zone where I cheat by rating the much better semi performance and ignore the awful final performance 😊 Like, Imri, Domi’s vocals fractured into pieces once she transitioned from closing the semi to opening the final, AND also like Imri this was metaphorically supplemented by a backdrop featuring a statue crumbling into dust during the death notes  <3

Domi as a closer though? Kinda epic, not gonna lie. Trashy EDM with stroke-inducing visuals is a Eurovision trope that will never bore me (evidenced the appreciation for Line, Grab the Moment, Spirit in the Sky and the yet unranked LEMME BE UR HAYLA HOO) and We Are Domi were a pretty good interpretation of the genre :-) 

Vague growth narrative to give the song a base of meaning? Check ✅

Catchy underground vibe? Check  ✅

Hilariously bad fashion (gigantic amethyst jewellery + ugly overall that look victimized by someone who HATES clothes <3)? Check  ✅

A hook that’s easy to scream along with (WHERE ARE U NOOOOOW???) Check ✅ 

Carcrash vocals that were ignored by everyone because who doesn’t love to end the night on an EDM banger? Check ✅

Small random things I also enjoyed about WAD include: the viking-looking dude (lol he’s norwegian, drop the looking part) playing a guitar with a bow, the cheeky unfinished “where are you now when i miss you // you’’re still around in my peripheral” hook that cunningly lets the audience fill in the missing “view” (this is how to show trust in your audience’s intelligence 🤗) and ofc the fact that Dominika got to do Eurovision in the same stadium her dad won an Olympic medal in!

Overall, “Lights off” ticked all the boxes I want in my Eurovision EDM without revolutionizing the formula, and that + rando tidbits results in a blistering 15th place on BorisBubbles.tumblr.com. YAY!   

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14. GEORGIA Circus Mircus - “Lock me in” 39th place

Decade rank: 27/79 [above Montaigne, below TBA]

SIRKOOS MEERKOOS

It was about fucking time Georgia’s weirdness paid off! For years they’ve been sending entries that at best can be described as, um, a bit out there, so it only was a matter of time before their loopiness landed on my exact brand of quirkiness <3 Enter Circus Mircus, a mysterious and anonymous synthpop band who makes esotheric and ecclectic songs about the most mundane things. I could NOT fucking wait. 

And then, months after being announced, without any fanfare, Circus Mircus released their song and it went like this for a full minute:

TAKE ME TO THE SPACECRAFT TAKE ME TO DANCE CLUB  TAKE ME TO THE SPACECRAFT TAKE ME TO DANCE CLUB  TAKE ME TO THE SPACECRAFT TAKE ME TO DANCE CLUB  TAKE ME TO THE SPACECRAFT TAKE ME TO DANCE CLUB   NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW

“Lock me in” is repetitive, annoying and so, so weird... all of which made it an instant Bubblecore favourite. Who could be behind this baffling steampunk bonanza? 

LOCK ME UP LOCK ME DOWN LOCK ME IN LOCK ME OUT LOCK ME SIDEWAYS

I HAVE NO CLUE!!! JK, it was obviously Nika, who else but the Midnight Gold Man could pull of something so strange? One of my few preshow chuckles came from when the twitter stans finally put two and tow together, and realized that  the poorly-disguised flower beard man with the exact same face as Nika Kocharov and the exact same voice as Nika Kocharov had to be... Nika Kocharov!!! GASP!!! Thank you for being a better worst-kept secret than the idiots in wolf costumes. ^_^

Ok so, realistically, “Lock me in” was unvotable unless Nika pulled the double on INSANE staging and went full-on clown fiesta. Since this contest was held by an awful incompetent broadcaster that pisses on Eurovision, that never came to pass. 

Still, I feel like Nika and his New Georgian Lolitaz did enough to entice me. Miniature diorama, steampunk aesthetics, disturbing eyes and mouth backdrop, twitchy dance moves, high-pitched shrieks - it was all on point and in character. I am not giving a higher score because I do feel Georgia could have (and with Nika in their ranks, should have) provided an acid trip and this was more of an, um, nitrous oxide trip, but eh. Sometimes you just have to accept you’re in a shitty year and count your enjoyable chickens once they’ve hatched. Or something like that. 🤷‍♀️

ON TO MORE GEORGIAN NONSENSE FOR THIS NEXT YEAR

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13. ESTONIA Stefan - “Hope” 13th place

Decade Rank: 26/79 [above Circus Mircus, below TBA]

My boy has grown up so much. 🤗

For the past two years, Stefan built himself a reputation as a Famous Sad Boi In Estonia (please go awaaaaaaaay 😒) but on this occasion he returned to his merry, carefree Vajé ways and INSTANTLY BECAME LIKABLE AGAIN. Who could have ever predicted that outcome.

Stefan’s song is no “Laura (Walk With Me)” though. Hope is basic. On paper and reality it’s a schmaltzfest in avicii-style spaghetti western package. It was also, like many, majorly screwed over by Sungate, which made it look worse than normal.

And yet, it clicked? 

I dunno if you missed the memo but I really dislike Eurovision 2022. It was dark and negative in many different ways for many divergent reasons, (which is why it took me an eternity to find motivation for updates - and even now i’m only forcing myself to finish everything so i can quickly rank 2023 lol). 

So at times when my mental fortintude isn’t the best, and i’m not enjoying life at its fullest, I cling to the positive things, and Hope is well, exactly that? It shone into the darkness as an unassuming beacon of positivity, delivering three wholesome minutes of uplifting feelings. Stefan was like that random good samaritan in the street wearing a FREE HUGS sign, and I gladly accepted.  

Also, I appreciated the way Hope gradually transitioned from a cliché country western into an effective and genuine anti-war song. I just feels like a natural evolution, free of pretences or hidden agendas or cheap ambitions, and underlines that Hope is more of an anthem than I first gave it credit for. I’m very pleased it  finished on the left side of the scoreboard, underlining that Estonia have conquered the growing pains of the Rahula Era. 😁

So while I don’t feel like Hope is a particularly ground-breaking entry, thanks to Stefan’s charm and its wholesome message, it shone a little bit of light in a dark place! Thank mate!

And now for the songs/acts I actually care about:

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12. ICELAND Systur -  “ Með hækkandi sól” 23rd place

Decade Rank: 25/79 [Above Stefan, below Lesley Roy]

Finally, one of my imprints. Glamorous country aunties are probably the least impressive of my random faves in the eyes of many, and many are incorrect!! Systur own. If my house were on fire, I’d want them there to help me quell the flames. Get a life!

So, “Með hækkandi sól” is a wonderful immersive piece. You really get the vision of three Thelma&Louise-style characters riding into the sunset on horesback, united in (metaphorical) systurhood! even without taking account that they are, of course, irl sisters! 

So cute!

So basically, I have no clue why Systur were considered a shock qualifier to begin with. The song and the harmonies are great! They embody the song! I always believed in their chances, and wondered mostly what the price would be for the qualification. Turns out the price was Ronela’s fall of Icarus, which is acceptable payment tbh. As an extra failsafe, Elín cunningly performed a big note (which she left out in the finale lololol), allowing them to beat Mia and cash out that well deserved 10th place YAY!

Also Systur own as people as well, revealing themselves as trans-inclusive LGBT activist 😍 who unequivocally supported Ukraine 😍 because “we are all human so let’s treat each other with kindness” 😍 mother, auntie, cousin WE LOVE YOU!!! 😍  Angelic personalities to go with the angelic vocals. 😍  

To close, I kinda really dug the simplicity of Elin being like “I’ve got this 😘” during the final and basically carried the entire performance by herself, allowing Sigga and Beta to hang out by at her side; S & B didn’t even bother to pretend-play their guitars or mouth along to their already pre-recorded backing vocals. Honestly, a MOOD. Living the good qualifier life, as all deserving finalists do. 😁

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11. MOLDOVA Zdob şi Zdub & Advahov Brothers - “Trenulețul “ 7th place

Decade rank: 21/79 [above Albina, below Gjon’s Tears] Wait, hang on, seventh place? This? Are you sure this isn’t a seventeenth place? Lemme check the charts rl quick-

HEY HO LET’S GO, FOLKLORE AND ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

Let’s be honest, Trenuletul has NO business being this great. It’s like a demented children’s show for the musically challenged crossed with a stag night kazachok. Roman has literal tassles dangling from his ears like a Pippi Longstockin cosplay gone awry. This song about A TRAIN RIDE contains barely any imagery connected with trains (I spotted the railway map. Did YOU?), other than doing everything in its power to breathe life into the definition of “train wreck”.

And yet, there was an undeniable chemistry between act and audience that we’ve rarely seen before. This may have been the first time ever that a Eurovision act was elevated into qualification, let alone a top 10 finish, due to its interactions with the crowd. 

However to credit the success of yet another Moldovan stage wonder solely on the audience is a bit of a disservice to Zdob is Zdub (and the Advahov Brothers let’s NOT forget their contributions either). Drunk Uncles (drunkles?) at a peasant’s wedding is a vibe, and a jolly one that is easy to get into. I’ve spoken of positivity beacons before, and Trenuletul shines perhaps the most radiant of all. It injected some well-needed levity into this dankfest of a year. The audience merely brought out the party vibes more, and this only could have happened if they had been present in the first place.  

 So looking back, it really isn’t that surprising Ukraine and Moldova hjacked the televote the way they did. ZsZ+AB delivered a perfect lowbrow Yin to Kalush’s heavy-hearted Yang, making is all forget life’s miseries for a mere three minutes.

So in a nutshell, it’s really obvious why I wound up stanning this amateur hour disaster. I also hope it’s equally obvious why I’m not ranking them any higher than this though, lol

THE RANKING.

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