#borisbubbles

It concerns this:

Props to you man for acknowledging our bby's doubtful identity as a human 🤣

07. ITALY Angelina Mango - "La Noia" 7th place

Decade Ranking: 29/190

Last year, something utterly surreal happened: After 9 years of male dominance, Italy finally picked a WOMAN to win San Remo. As you can imagine, whatever remained of the collective fandom's brains were immediately fried, as they tried to process this unique anomaly. Spain's entrants brought an Italo-Disco song after being rejected by San Marino, San Marino were represented by a Spanish band singing about their Benifest experience, and now Italy were sending a female-fronted cumbia tune which sounded more Spanish than either of them.

It took a bit longer to fully win me over though. Unfortunately, I am not a sexist, and my inherent contempt for San Remo extends to everyone who parttakes in it, not just the men. I found it bemusing that the eventual San Remo winner sounded so... cheap?

'LA NOIA' :tinned trumpet: 'LA NOIA' :stock guitar riff:

Like, I am vaguely aware that splicing in LoFi effects into upbeat songs is kinda Dardust's thing (is this the composer's equivalent to an 'ad-lib'?), but 'La Noia' sounds like Russ Landau's rejected Survivor: Nicaragua theme at times. 😍

'La Noia' is also not a natural fave of mine, since I'm more of a 'Sing Along' than a 'Dance Along' type of music enjoyer. (That is to say: I can hold a decent tune and absolutely cannot dance... unless you count 'flailing limbs around with no coordination while making stupid faces' as dancing, lol <3)

Fortunately, I eventually embraced the song unironically because (1) it's a cunty bop and (2) like Angelina I despise boredom and welcome anyone seeking to distract me from it. The song was fun, and she was an engaging performer, both vocally and rhythmically, a STRICT departure from the crestfallen indifference with which I sit through Italian entrants sometimes. Finally, an Italian entrant WORTHY of being added into my rotation.

But Angelina also distinguished herself from her predecessors by actually being invested in her own participation. She attended pre-parties and mingled!!! Thanks to Gabe, everyone remembers that it was she who -at the moment where Eurovision was at its absolute lowest- descended to the Press Centre to sing calming songs to the distressed fans and press. WE LOVE A HUMANITARIAN PR QUEEN. An action for which the EBU fined RAI btw. How the fuck is the EBU still alive as an organization?

So of course, Europe paid her efforts back with Italy's lowest result in the decade so far.

Many have already correctly pointed out that the big culprit was the staging, but that's an umbrella term that doesn't cover the specific errors. A energetic dance routine was the correct approach, as girlbops gotta fuckin girlbop and the execution was excellent. The issue was the general aesthetic, which doubled down too hard on the 'Crown of Thorns' line for a song about OVERCOMING BOREDOM. It created a dreary vibe for what is essentially three cheery minutes of music.

That said, having ranked Angelina 7th myself, I agree with the result. I will say it again - it's mostly the men that are unfairly forgiven for inaccuracies women are rated fairly for - and 7th overall is perfect for what 'La Noia' was: the best girlbop in the year. How nice that, now that Eurovision is on its way out, Italian results have finally learned to align with my own personal tastes. ^__^

06. NORWAY Gåte - "Ulveham" 26th place

Decade ranking: 25/190

Italy were not the only country to break character in 2024. Norway is well underway towards becoming one of my least favourite countries in this decade, on the basis of increasedly insulting clown car nonsense.

It looked particularly bad in MGP 2024, which appeared to have a two-horse race for the win (and bottom 3 on my ranking) between Gaute from Subwoolfer dressed up like a passive-aggressive super hero robot, and some washed-up losers (forgot their name) bringing a damn' diggity dogturd. Great, I think I'll just KMS, ty.

AND then... all of a sudden... a miracle:

NAKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU HEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E. E. E. E.

HOOO-O-O-O-O-O-O OOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

What an entrance. Away went any reservations I had (and I had them because it's MGP), replaced by the classic OBSESSION AT FIRST SIGHT. 😍😍😍 A scream queen demonstrating the best ever use of a turntable while singing a brutalistic folklore tale, chorus full of lupine vocalizations YES!!!! ALL THE YESSES in the world for the Turbo Strazdas!!!

Of course, my affection for Gåte fully blinded me towards their impending doom because um yeah, "Ulveham" was a total fanwank. OOPS!!!

But to be fair, the song still slaps regardless? The music, the vocals, the build-up, the presentation. The whole package is works and I felt like the appeal was mega obvious?? Why would this not work for Gåte, at least in miniature, when it worked for Go_A? Entries like THESE, that blend folklore with culture and art, are the true heart and soul of Eurivision, not the camp-written teacher pet entries, nor the generic radio pop, nor the insultingly stupid tiktok-coded brainrot that keeps seeping into the contest at an alarming rate. 'Ulveham' is so Norwegian it could be banana on pizza, or a physical manifestation of self-deprication. It should be up there among the greats alongside 'Shum', 'Spirit in the Sky', 'Voila', 'Amar Pelos Dois' and other anthems that embody this principle.

Last place is an infuriating result for what it was, and one of the few misses in the year, fanwank or not. Retroactively it made sense though. It's a difficult song to get into, being sung in medieval Norwegian, with a fully vocalized chorus. Also, the camera work was shit. Why. were. there. so. many. wide. shots. during. the. good. bits?

And of course the final took place amidst the Joost Apocalypse where an Israel televote victory, and the death of Eurovision that would come with it, were looming threats on the horizon, and therefore all plans needed to be abandoned so that Croatia and Switzerland could snag a win.

Regardless of result, Norway delivered a very fun and bold entry that broke the mold and of course Europe's uncultured voting public -the same that would later vote the vile Tommy Cash into second place- paid them for dust. As a wise woman once said, the fans of this show are pieces of shit.

The least I can do, as a small indie ranker, is give them the placement they deserve.

37. ISRAEL Eden Golan - "Hurricane" 5th place

Decade Ranking: 150/153 [Above Noa Kirel, below Roxen]

Where do we start?

Let's begin, perhaps by stating the obvious. Israel's participation in this year ruined the contest. You encounter an entrant or two that completely warp the meta around them at every contest, but never to an extent this cataclysmic. Every sour note of this contest, and there were plenty, sprouted from the decision to allow Israel into the year. That was the tipping point. I believe that makes "Hurricane" the worst entry of all times in terms of the sheer negative impact its presence had on the edition it parttook in.

The ESC discourse -on asocial media- completely revolved around the conflict in Palestine either to denounce the war crimes perpetrated by the Israeli goverment and the subsequent silencing of critical voices calling it out, or to make a stand against the Poor Young Girl who was unfairly maligned by radicalized leftists for a conflict she had no hand in.

So was it any surprise that Israel won every Western televote? Be honest. I know that the Twitter manchildren claim Israel cheated, but they are in denial. The televote was genuine. The scalpel slices both ways, sadly. For every heckler booing Eden or protesting for Palestine or announcing a Eurovision boycot or lecturing the general public to not vote for Israel, a sympathy vote for her arises because "Aw She Doesn't Deserve So Much Negativity, Poor Thing". That she willingly chose to rep israel at THIS time with THAT song is blissfully ignored. Eden Golan is not a child. She's fully accountable for the effects that her participation caused, and is perfectly a-OK with it.

So, wake the fuck up. The sympathizing nutcases were OPENLY mobilizing to vote for Israel without even watching a second of the contest, to prove a point against you know, "insane leftist wokery" or whatever they call it. "You can't make me think what you want or do what you want, TAKE THAT". It's the same principle that led to Brexit and Trump beating Clinton. Similarly, they attempted to hijack the results like a particularly nasty species of asian hornet because their 'Freedom of Speech' is more important to them than fair results in an entertainment show, or a potential genocide. Or maybe they were just indoctrinated. A smaller sample size due to boycots + 20 votes per crazed zionist, it's honestly a miracle Croatia STILL beat them in the TV overall.

In other words, pretty much every opinion about Eden revolved around the politics that accompanied the flag she flew under.

And I'm sorry, but Eurovision is not supposed to be about Israel. Why should THAT country get more attention, or even preferential treatment in this otherwise excellent line-up? That's not what it should be about.

It is THEM who it should be about:

None of these artists asked to be a part of this shambolic display. So in that sense, let's do something many have FAILED. Let's do what we're supposed to dp: Discuss the SONG, outside of context.

Frankly, there's remarkably little to say. Even without the context, "Hurricane" would have been bottom of the barrel for me regardless? It's a mediocre sappy ballad aimed to Make People Cry. We see such ballads pop up all the time in NFs (most recently Krick in Luxembourg and Noble in Portugal), where -more often than not- their sucktitude catches up with them and manifests a loss.

I've seen people be outraged that Norway's jury gave it points but I mean, look at any recent scandi NF and tell me a Hurricane wouldn't fit within its ranks. It's Undo, What if, A Monster Like Me, all the tacky soulless ballads with poor narratives preying on the soft-hearted and the guillible with cheap emotional manip. "Hurricane"was cut from the same dementor-esque, sympathy-craving cloth. Call me old fashioned, but I was taught that sympathy requires a modicum of respect, which needs to be earned, not begged for like a dog's dinner. (I hope the Europapa fans are reading this because this also applies to him, and that ghastly outro). If your song was written with the idea in mind of pinkwashing the deaths of a few thousand children, then perhaps you may have not fully earned the benefit of the doubt, jussaying.~

In terms of performance, Eden was vocally good, at least. It's her voice that carries it although i don't find her particularly likeable as a lead. Then again, she is a Russian nepo brat whose family emigrated to Israel after the Ukrainian war so that her daddy to secure his financial assets and the Golans could continue their lavish, privileged lifestyle in a safer country. It was always a challenge, so to say, to consider Eden Golan a likeable individual.

Also what is UP with the choreography? Why do the dancers look like they are loading air rifles? A Choice, to say the least.

So all in all, a pretty weak entry that always would have been in my bottom 3 for any country, but that probably had a ceiling of lower top 10 in a normal, generic year of ESC.

However, this was NOT a generic ESC. There's NO imagining "Hurricane" without its context which makes it so, SO much worse. It was specifically written in support of the Israeli victims in the war (why go through that trouble and not simply withdraw and spend the participation fee on providing for the families of the hostages? Isn't that more effective charity? But hey, what do I know.) There is no "depoliticizing", no matter how often you retcon the lyrics into gibberish. Hurricane's intentions are present in its rhythm, its instrumentation, the keys in which it is sung. The notion that you can separate it from its context is absurd.

And yet, that is precisely what the EBU were hoping for when they allowed it in, and it exploded into their face like a firework. I can't say they didn't deserve it. Ultimately, the full blame for all of this rests with them. If a certain entity threatens the integrity of your being, you get rid of the threat. You don't passively sit back crossing your fingers they leave at their own volition. The Israeli's would understand the reasons for exclusion, surely, as they've been applying the exact same principles to the Gaza Strip since mid October.

The EBU allowed them in, officially to prove Eurovision wasn't political and United By Music (in reality because they're cowards and didn't want to be the first organization to ban Israel from an international event, and be branded antisemites as a result). The result was the most politically charged and divisive contest of all time, rife with incidents that were as avoidable as they were outrageous. It couldn't have been further away from "apolitical unity" if it tried.

Hurricane was NEVER worth the price of admission. All the controversy, the security risks, the boycots, the antisemitism and xenophobia, the censorship, the harrassment of other delegations (which the Israeli delegation EAGERLY participated in) and of course the Israeli embassies in participating countries OPENLY advocating to vote for Israel as "a signal". Even the tensions that led to Joost's dubious DQ which I doubt would have happened at any other contest. This could all have been foreseen and avoided by excluding the country that clearly would have brought the contest into disrepute. Eurovision is now on life support. Congratulations EBU. You KILLED your own contest.

It briefly looked like Israel could win (leave to RAI to be woefully incompetent and blasé), which would have been the final nail in Eurovision's coffin but then they magically lost the televote (thank you SO much Eastern Europe, you are SO real for this) and stranded themselves in 5th place. Instead of being the Worst Winner of All Time, Israel are merely a mediocre also-ran, which I can live with. It makes "Hurricane"' marginally less appalling than "Unicorn" and "I.M" for me. Let their fifth place serve as a grim reminder for future editions that Hatred Breeds Hatred, and also, thankfully, that Love Can indeed Prevail.

THE RANKING

08. LITHUANIA Silvester Belt - "Luktelk" 14th place

Decade Ranking: 31/190

The clapping at the start. 😔😔 I miss audience interactions. We're back to that portion of the spreadsheet where I struggle capturing my affection for the song in words!! I dunno, sometimes the review is just that the song is a solid 8.5/10, and that should be obvious to anyone with ears. if 'Luktelk' isn't for you, I'd reconsider whether Eurovision is for you. 'Luktelk' was a very fun and competent banger, tailored for the Euroclub gays and the occasional stray introverts like myself that have been adopted by people with social ability. It's one of those songs that feels both polished and professional without coming across as anti-septic and soulless. A strong uptempo bop in the style of (and frankly, better than) Troye Sivan, by Nemo's token male friend.

It was never going to do anything surprising at Eurovision, though. As soon as we first heard it in Evrovizija.LT we knew it was going to likely win, then effortlessly sail through to the final and -due to being a song by Lithuania in Lithuanian- become a sacrificial lamb to the jury, as they STILL haven't received the memo Lithuania is a real Eurovision country now and their songs are really goddamn' good, at like... a consistent year-to-year basis.

Indeed, Silvester delivered merely the upscaled version of his NF staging, and that's enough to remain a fixture in my lower top ten. He sang, he banged, he bopped. Silvester delivered exactly what he should have, no more, no less, end of. I am making a point by showing the performance in the Grand Final, however. Normally I rank strictly on the bases of the best performance, but it really is worth underlining that the performance shown above is BY FAR Silvester's least fave live of the song, for obvious reasons. It is INSANE that he STILL nailed that under those circumstances, and that really shows his talent as a performer. Almost as insane as qualifying for the final and then feeling like you shouldn't have.

In conclusion: FUCK THE EBU! + Lo and behold YET ANOTHER YEAR where Lithuania is the strongest Baltic 😍 (continued in 2025 as Tavo Akys is indeed better than Bur Man Laimi, but the gap's smaller there). MOVIN' ON UP~

Blergh this year sucks. Probably reviving the 2024 ranking once the 2025 contest is over. The order I picked for 1-9 still holds for my current opinions, and hey, I actually care about these songs.

02. CZECHIA Vesna - "My sister's crown" 10th place

Decade ranking: 5/116 [Above Daði Freyr, below Käärijä]

Finland over Czechia seems like a no-brainer. Some midcarding bitches vs ~K*Ä*Ä*R*I*J*Ä~ come on, how hard can it be? Who is Czechia even for?!

ME, motherfucker. This entry is for ME, and FOR ME ALONE!!! and since this is MY ranking, that made the decision very difficult. It took me MONTHS to settle who to put at the top.

Vesna are often cited as one of the more overrated acts in the year. Overrated by whom? Who overrates Vesna? Isn't 10th a correct placement? i've met NO ONE who would even consider putting them as high as second? - and I obv don't count since it took me AN ETERITY to out myself as a Vesna stan!!

I'd counter that Czechia are THE MOST UNDERRATED by the fandom (not by placement - that is Slovenia, as always) and absolutely deserved all the good things that happened to them ^_^

So obviously, there are multiple factors at work here. The song is a fantastic earworm. Like, defo one of the best in the year? In terms of sheer replayability, "My Sister's Crown" is on the same level as "Edgar" (studio only :-/) and "Carpe Diem", and you know how much I value those. The song has four languages (including Bulgarian) and none of them clash. The lyrics are quotable and fun. This is a track with ATTITUDE and ZEST, that managed to criticize the war in Ukraine without beating us over the head with it via a poorly hidden, clumsily written political message. The song is SMART, and respects its listeners.

LOVE'S NOT A MONEY BAG BLOOD'S ON YOUR GOD'S HANDS YOU CANNOT STEAL OUR SOULS

However, going into the year, there were issues - Vesna were messy and dissonant, and the six girls often gave the impression of competing against each other for attention. They were not a UNIT. Although "My Sister's Crown" was always one of the best songs, many (including myself!) were sceptical it could come together.

And it did, spectacularly.

See, one of the things about this year is that the good performances and good songs were often mismatched. Albania, Estonia and Poland had great on-stage glam-ups, but they were severely hampered by the songs being what they were. Other countries such as France and Austria had good songs, but required really good acts to tie them together, and failed or, in case of say UK, has good acts that were performed badly.

If you made a Venn Diagram between the best songs and the biggest growers, there wouldn't be much overlap. Except for Czechia.

To quote Matteo Lane's pearl of wisdom; if there's only ONE GAY, everything gets done! Ahmad Malloun was the One Gay and channeled his bossbottom energy to fuss Vesna into shape. Suddenly, the girls were harmonious and disciplined and that made all the difference. Suddenly, Czechia had an act with a clear vision - Six women united visually through their outfits. Vesna had become a UNIT, united through sisterhood.

SESTRO KRASIVA OI TI SILYNA HOROBRA JEDINA KORONA TVOJA

It really doesn't get mentioned nearly often enough how amazing the Czech staging was. Sure, Loreen and Käärijä, both top notch. But this is my personal favourite of the bunch. It's a visually stunning, avant garde act that fits the music, that fits the thematics, that pulls you in and tells a story without overtly complicating matters. They start as a group of angry hexaplets and then burst into joyful sororian rapture at the end. The staging is both aesthetically pleasing and intuitive. They hit the gold standard for acts that everyone should try to strive for!!

There are times where I wonder whether I really should rank Vesna above Käärijä. My Sister's Crown fully morphed into a me-coded entry. And perhaps, if and when I watch 2023 again, I may do exactly that. For now though, I've decided against it. The argument for Finland is less complicated, so I went with that. And now for the winner of this ranking I am sure NOBODY saw coming ever:

-------------------------------------------------------------

01. FINLAND Käärijä - "Cha Cha Cha" 2nd place

Decade ranking: 4/116 [Above Vesna, below Chanel]

It's Käärijä, bitch.

I rest my case for ranking Finland first. I don't think anyone argues this as invalid? Good, let's pick it all apart because if there's anything Käärijä deserves, it is being talked about. 😉

So um, where to start? Maybe it's best to start with the song - "Cha Cha Cha" was that rare 1-in-500 entry. I always say that novelty always tends to become stale over time - once in a blue moon however, it endures. "Cha Cha Cha" is a novelty song that is also an excellent song in its own right, and it stil holds up very well. It's a fun song to listen to, even without all the circus and theatrics.

The circus and theatrics though, omg <3 Talk about a DELECTABLE act, once again. This is yet again an example of how staging compliments the song and makes it digestible. Cha Cha Cha is entirely in Finnish with only a few loan words tossed in - difficult to get into on paper. The staging however, brings the plot points home.

The song's about wanting to overcome anxieties to dance? So break from the crates

Confront the inner Dance Demons that harass your psyche

make your way to the dancefloor while dodging decapitation via errant wires.

and then, when you overcome all fears transition to that godly, campy key chance, ride your them, having overcome your inhibitions.

AND I GALLAVANT ON THE FLOOR LIKE A CHA CHA CHA AND MY ANXIETIES HAVE NO GRIP ON ME NO MORE

The act is BRILLIANT. The ballroom dancers with their creepy pearly-whites, the dorkopotamus choreography, the styling, the overwhelming sense of triumph once the key change hits... It's the same deal as Vesna and Loreen, just a handful of visual cues that visualize the song's themes (anxiety, rather than sisterhood or desolation) are easy to understand and don't further complicate matters. THIS is how it's done. This is how you Eurovision.

The magical ingredient that tied it all together was the man, the dad bod, the bolero himself - Käärijä. Talk about a personality so massive everything gravitated towards him. It's hard to put the extent of his likeability into words - he's just so disarmingly himself. The key here is that Käärijä doesn't see himself as anything special. To him, he's just "boy from Vantaa who likes queen Loreen". He's just self-aware enough to realize the effect he has on others, but not self-aware enough to understand what exactly endears him to so many people. So when Käärijä plays up for funsies, he magnifies all aspects of his personality which makes him... even more endearing. 😍

(it's the same magic dust that has people flock to Baby Lasagna this year, really.)

It's rare to have a contestant who managed to completely warp the meta around him to this extent. It's even more rare that the contestant in this position then loses the competition. I remember telling my friend André, who was behind on NF news, that Käärijä had won UMK, and he replied with an innocuous "great, I haven't been this excited for a contestant since Verka!". I think I realize in that moment, that was to be Käärijä's destiny. Verka was the Hot Favourite in their year, the breakout star of 2007 - and Verka placed second to a more competent entry (Molitva <3). It was in that moment that I knew that Käärijä's inevitable fate was to come second to Loreen.

And I feel like, we all knew deep down that was where we were headed. We all wanted Käärijä to win as much as we did, because we knew that he would not. He was blissfully cruising towards a loss, and that was too much of an injustice to accept it and not manifest a reality where he beats Sweden.

It even got to a point where some people are now retroactively trying push the notion Tattoo is better than Euphoria (that statement is more offensive than anything I've ever commited to print or speech, including the one time I called Lesley Roy frumpy on cam <3) and the best entry ever (excuse you?) largely because it beat Cha Cha Cha.

So if Käärijä is this great, then why the doubt? Why only fourth for the decade (for the moment)?

Well, it's same deal as Cornelia for me. The best live of Cha Cha Cha that we received was the first one, at UMK, and every other performance we've had since then was not as good. The one in Eurovision had terrible vocals and slightly less impressive staging compared to UMK. I know right? The ESC staging did MORE and yet accomplished LESS. They got rid of all the wrestling references? Where's the close-up at the end? The arena? THE LIFT?

Sure, these inaccuracies didn't detract from my personal enjoyment of Cha Cha Cha. They however did allow for Käärijä to fall behind far enough behind Loreen in the jury vote so that he could no longer catch up with her in the televote, like a death by a thousand paper cuts.

It was a great live, but it wasn't great enough to win. Eurovision Käärijä was not Käärijä at his best, while Vesna without question gave their best performance in the Grand Final. Hence my doubts.

However, I ultimately went with Käärijä anyway because he did something Vesna could not - he gave a concert in my city, and I attended. HE MADE ME LEAVE THE HOUSE AFTER DARK. And god, if you've not been to a Käârijä gig before, absolutely fucking go if you're able to - IT'S CRAZY IT'S PARTY is the perfect catchphrase for this hyperactive, sexually amorphous, adorkable gremlin.

He was his unadulterated self, slapping his belly only vaguely aware of his sex appeal, swooning over a group of Slovene attendees because they reminded him of The Love Of His Life Bojan Cveticanin, ripping one of his merch t-shirts in half and then wearing it as a jacket, airdiving a wayward balloon that floated its way on the stage. The music was also excellent. Exposed to to the FULL scope of Käärijäness, made all the good memories of the 2023 preshow flow back, how could I not rank him anywhere other than first? Maybe I will change my mind and rank Vesna first in a few years from now, but for now, let's savour him while he's still fresh in our minds.

REMINDER THAT THE 2024 ROSTER IS GREAT LARGELY THANKS TO KÄÄRIJÄ.

REMINDER THAT HE WOULD SO WIN ANY FUTURE EUROVISION IF HE WANTED TO:

(May I just name this as my fave song from the 2024 nf season MAY I????*)

He WAS 2023. He WAS Eurovision.

He may have lost the contest, but he has won life. (and paid his taxes.)

ALL RISE FOR THE BEST ACT OF 2023!

The RANKING (completed)

"Novo, Bolje" was my fave 2024 NF also-ran. Obv.

ADDENDUM: ABOUT ESC2024

Yeah, obviously i'm not going to do a pre-show ranking. With all the poison and controversy going on, it's just not the right time. I delayed this ranking specificially so that I wouldn't be temped to do the 2024 one later. (Unlike a certain broadcasting institution, I possess a modest amount of insight, foresight and self-awareness. 🙂 )

Hopefully, ESC 2024 goes down without too many incidents, and I'll able to start my post-show ranking the week after the Grand Final.