#traumatogenic

I have heard people complain about but I haven’t personally encountered:

1.  People trauma ranking.  Honestly I don’t think I have significant trauma that would warrant OSDD.  I have not found people agreeing with me on that though.  I have found people telling me that my experiences matter and that abuse is abuse.

2.  Endogenics asking to take up space in traumatogenic community or even following me even though I do not have a DNI for endogenics.  Maybe I haven’t been around long enough or been in the right spaces but I personally haven’t seen endogenics trying to claim traumatogenic space.  I have seen bad behavior where some endogencis were abusive towards traumatogentics, but this has been two people, which is hardly representative of a community.  Apparently I’m more interested in endogenics than they are in me.  I guess I’m just fascinated with this idea of plurality because I’m technically a system but I feel that I’m a singlet.  Endogenic experience seems to be the exact opposite of what I experience (e.g., no trauma background and a non-experience of plurality).  I suppose I could create tulpas to try to feel more plural (but only if I were under the tutelage of someone experienced with creating tulpas from the tradition they came from, and only if there seemed to be a call from the beyond human world to do so, which seems unlikely for an aetheist to get) but tulpas are entities that are created or invited in to one’s mental space, they aren’t fracturing of one’s identity, so I still have no idea what traumatogenic plurality feels like, even though I technically am plural and traumaotgenic.  

Does that last sentence sound complicated?  LOL It’s supposed to. Welcome to my weird world.  Anyhow I truly am interested in endogenic experiences and syscourse and don’t feel triggered reading syscourse unless someone is obviously being abusive (which has only happened two times) but the conversations seem to allude me.  A friend said that she thought this may be because I’m the opposite of endogencis (e.g., a traumatogenic system who does not identify as a system) but who the fuck knows.  

So I’ve been spending some time on tumblr reading about endogeneity and medians because I want to better understand how endogenics and medians experience themselves.  I know that not everyone is of pure intent and some people are intentionally faking, but I wanted to better understand how endogenics who aren’t experience themselves.  I know that their experience is different than that of people with DID/OSDD, but that doesn’t tell me about what their lived experience is like.   Hence my tumblr search!

As I expected the range of experiences were pretty broad.  There were several people who described experiences similar to DID/OSDD but said that they had no trauma background.  (I don’t identify as having a significant trauma background either but I am told that I do from several diagnosticians so I’m annoyed that others get to doge the trauma bullet whereas I don’ t).  There were also people who described experiences that sounded like they were similar to how someone with BPD might experience identity confusion.  Now I’ve spent a fair amount of time asking how people with BPD experience identity confusion because I don’t have distinct parts and rarely have amnesia so I don’t understand how my experience of “parts” (or modes as I like to call them) is different from theirs.  The way I’ve come to understand it is that everyone has ‘parts’ of their personality (e.g., work self and home self) but some people perceive their ‘parts’ to be more distinct than others do despite having ‘parts’ that are of equal complexity.  I think something similar may help me understand how some endogenics may experience themselves. I have no idea why someone may be more or less sensitive to perceiving parts of the personality that everyone has, but maybe this is a thing.

I don’t feel invalidated by the presence of endogenics and you will not be seeing me embrace an endophobic pride flag because I use report and block to deal with bad behavior.  What I do have an issue with is bad behavior.

I saw one particularly disturbing post today where an endogenic claimed that their past life experiences gave them present life knowledge of trauma, and they then proceeded to cuss traumatogenics out.  It was downright abusive.  I respect other people’ s spiritual believes and respect that past life experiences are very real for many people.  I am not OK with people using their spiritual believes to attack others, especially not trauma survivors.  This poster’s behavior was no different than anti-LGBT Christian groups that attack queer people.  Just because you believe something and something may be real for you, it doesn’t give you license to act as though your belief is in fact real when doing so may impinge upon the safety of others.  I reported and blocked this person because they were being abusive..  

I similarly have issue with how some people get agro about how they are against traumatogenic “gatekeepers”.  I respect that someone saying your experiences aren’t valid is shitty.  I think using distinct terminology for endogenic and traumatogenic experiences can hel because it can help both endogenics and traumatogenics find and utilize the resources they seek, thereby helping to support safety for both.  (I’m not opposed to there being some explicitly understood shared terminology or space either for those endogenics and traumatogenics who may want that... with the understanding that certain terms are for certain communities and with the knowledge that shared terms should not be used when explaining trauma-related multiplicity to others).  I am opposed to harping on someone for their trauma response.  People who “gatekeep” are trauma survivors and if someone with a trauma background gets huffy about terminology or space that is a valid trauma response.  Feeling invalidated by that is a valid response too, but if you don’  t have trauma than I want you to try to understand where the trauma survivor is coming from.