i was 13, it'd been probably around 8 months to a year after id come out as a man. i was on some social media app when i read about truscum and transtrenders. i was angry at first, i didn't know what dysphoria was exactly (i was identifying as an nd trans man but now i know im a dysphoric enby man) so i told my friend about it and i said "you don't need dysphoria to be trans, i hate my body but im not dysphoric" (again, when this happened i thought dysphoria was hating your genitals). then as i kept reading about truscum theory i kept thinking to myself, "hey, i do have dysphoria". mind you im very gullible and vulnerable to ideas. so as time went on i thought you needed dysphoria to be trans. when i was 13, my dysphoria had lessened for some reason, and i no longer had debilitating dysphoria. i was panicking. i thought i was a trender. i kept thinking "im pretending to be trans", but i knew if i detransitioned that i would be even more dysphoric than i already was. i decided not to tell anyone. instead, i took out my anger on people i deemed to be "trenders". i was ashamed of myself. i wanted to kill myself, thinking that i was faking being trans. then i realized that, hey, maybe tucutes were right. i decided to try out the tucute ideology. when i was 14 i switched back and forth between truscum and tucute. then a few months before i turned 15 i went full tucute. i realised you don't need dysphoria to be trans, just gender incongruence. but truscum ideology left a scar. i still doubt myself often, even though i know trenders don't exist. i hope that i can heal, but i know it will take time.

Me: What the fuck.