Monday was my 36th birthday. I hung out with my sister who made me mug cake and put a light up number one on top cause “it was my first birthday as a girl” and that’s probably the best present I got. I wish I had started on this path 10 or 15 years ago or even back in high school. How much happier would those years have been? I suppose I wasn’t ready. I know why I was struggling back then, I didn’t have the words and my parents aren’t exactly the “come to use with your problems” type.
My advice for you high schoolers and 20 somethings:
It’s ok to be terrified. Fuck, I’m still terrified. When I come out I get disowned and probably will be attacked by my mother. Fear is rational but find people you can talk to about it. The biggest lesson I’m learning is blood ties don’t matter. The phases int blood is thicker than water, it’s “the blood of the covanent is thicker than the water of the womb” the family we choose means more than the family we were born with. Watch “Fast and Furious” Dom knows what’s up. If your blood loves you keep them close (i love my sister) if not leave them behind (incredibly difficult and I’m struggling with this but it’s true).
Remember your brain always puts more emotional weight on what you have now than what you could gain if things change. Im not ashamed to say I was bigoted against LGBTQ+, I wasn’t hostile but I was less than accepting. I was very much a “dudebro” I think when it came to “the gays”. Looking back I think it was becuase they had something I wanted but didn’t have the skills (social or otherwise) to achieve for myself. They accepted and loved who they were. I had something that I was doing MASSIVE amounts of emotional work to hide, push down, and ignore. Even when I FINALLY said to myself “I am transgender” the first thing I did was see a therapist HOPING they would tell me I wasn’t. I wanted someone to tell me that this wasn’t who I was this whole time cause it would be “easier” to keep denying than to take steps on a new journey into a new different life. So take the step even if it takes a while to make the first one and even if it takes a while longer to take the second step (it took until February of 2020 before I started seeing a doctor) keep taking steps, they get easier and quicker once you start.
Finally, and this is the hard one, accept yourself. I still have trouble with this but honestly since I’ve started taking steps to transition I don’t wake up every morning and wish I had died in my sleep. I don’t wanna say that all my depression is gone, that give the wrong impression, but I do want to live now. I want to grow into the woman that I’ve been this whole time. I have so much more emotional energy now that I’m not denying who I am. Accepting yourself is the first step you will take on loving yourself and I’m finally starting to believe I can love myself.
Also, anyone who says that highschool is “the best years of your life” is fucking stupid. Highschool sucks rancid balls.
Life gets better. It’s difficult sometimes (I’ve got hard times ahead) but holy fuck does it get better.
-Jessica
















